


Control

by FiftyShadesOfStyles (My_Evak_Heart)



Category: Eyewitness (US TV), SKAM (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-06
Updated: 2017-09-20
Packaged: 2018-09-06 20:21:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 33
Words: 91,627
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8767888
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/My_Evak_Heart/pseuds/FiftyShadesOfStyles
Summary: After Anne's third overdose, Philip and Isak are relocated into a foster family.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> I've been debating between Evak (Skam) or Philkas (Eyewitness) for my next book but I could not chose. I like them both. I didn't want to make two new books either because a) I don't have time for that and b) it would crowd my schedule so I put them both in one book. There's no 'main' ship/couple, it's just a 'mashup'. I took some scenes from the shows but didn't feel like putting a murder in this - too much work and, let's be honest, it's not the main reason people watch the show.
> 
> p.s. Philip and Isak will be brothers.

  Philip was only ten the first time it happened. Drugs and addictions shouldn't be something a twelve years old know. 

At this age, he should worry about how many friends he's gonna invite to his birthday party, not how much meds and other shits his mother swallowed.

The first thing Philip saw when he came back from school that Wednesday afternoon was his mother laying on the kitchen floor. Her eyes were closed and a part of her face was covered with her long, brown hair. 

Her yellow dress looked wrinkly and a little dirty. The ashtray on the kitchen table was full which means Rick, his mother's boyfriend, passed by that day. Maybe he's the one who put her in this state? 

The twelve years old boy dropped to his knees at the sight in front of him, not caring that his backpack had spilled on the tiled floor when it slipped from his shoulder.

A worried look on his face, Philip shook his mother's shoulder. ''Mom?'' he said, trying to wake her up. ''Mom?'' he said again, shaking her a little rougher but she still wasn't moving. ''Isak!'' he called. The younger boy was still outside, probably playing with his trucks in the sand like he does everyday after school. ''Isak, call 911, mom's not good...'''

The second time, Philip was fourteen.

This time, she was in their backyard and, _fuck_ , Philip was scared. 

She had gone dancing with her boyfriend in a club and Philip was babysitting Isak for the night. By Sunday morning, she still wasn't home which had Philip a little worried. She always comes home after a night out dancing. 

After breakfast, he went outside to put the trash away and that's when he saw her. She was unconscious and by the stairs which made him question if she fell down the stairs when coming home last night or just collapsed there. If she knocked her head, she could have serious brain damage and despite not being the best mother, he doesn't want anything to happen to her.

He _loves_ her.

He didn't say anything to Isak this time either because a twelve years old should _not_ know about his mother's drug addiction. Isak's innocence shouldn't be broken so young. Philip doesn't want his little brother to go trough the same things as him.

They sent her to rehab and the two boys had to be placed and moved in with a foster family. 

It was difficult for Philip, more than Isak. 

For Isak, this foster family was paradise. He had three boys around his age to play with - three new brothers - while Philip was the only one his age and it _sucked_. The woman who fostered them was really nice but she wasn't him mom, you know. 

Philip's life became hell. People would point at him in school because he was in a foster home. As if he chose to live with them... He'd rather live with his drug addict mom than with strangers who act like they've raised him and known him all his life.

They're _not_ his biological parents. 

Anne is his mother and will always be. No one can change that. 

They didn't stay long in that family. By the time Isak's thirteenth birthday arrived, they were moving back with their mom.

And the _third_ time, he was seventeen.

 


	2. Chapter one: Starting on a bad foot

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my first Philkas and Evak story so I'm sorry if some characters aren't exactly like in the shows. My goal here isn't to necessarily put the two shows in one story, I want to put my own ideas in it too. Also, I want to apologize if the firsts chapters aren't super interesting, I try my hardest to not write boring stuff but starting a story is always tough. I promise to make this book interesting. Please, bare with me!
> 
> Also, don't be too hard on me, it's my first time writing about Philkas and Evak.

 

 

''I got beds for you,'' Helen told the two boys sitting in the backseat. Philip was staring at the window, looking outside as the care moved. ''I hope you don't mind sharing a room though, the house isn't that big,'' she added, glancing at them trough the rear-view. 

Isak gave her a small smile. ''We don't,'' he replied. He nudged his brother's side. ''Right, Philip?''

The brunette teenager stayed silent, ignoring them both. 

After Anne's third trip to the hospital due to an overdose, the social worker decided it was best for Philip and Isak to be in foster home. The woman refused to go in rehab, claiming she could get better on her own but they didn't believe her and took the matter into their own hands and placed the two boys.

The case went to court and the judge put a restricting order: Anne cannot contact her sons in any ways. No phone calls, no visits. _Nothing_. If she were to break the rules, she could get arrested.

Philip and Isak reacted differently when told about the restricting order.

Isak isn't close to his mother. He doesn't like that she takes drugs and waste their money into pills and stuff. If she wasn't so addicted to her damn pills, maybe they wouldn't have to live in this old house with little to no furniture.

As for Philip, he did not take it very well. He went as far as lying to the judge about his mother just so he wouldn't have to leave her but the judge saw trough him and didn't believe him. They knew he was trying to protect her but Anne's addiction isn't ideal for kids. 

Helen reminded herself to be patient with them. They're teenagers, they need time. Isak had been easy to get words out of, Philip, though, was another story...

She kept driving, deciding to not saying anything for the rest of the ride. 

Twenty minutes later, Helen pulled up in the driveway of she and Gabe's house. She turned off the engine and they all got out.

''Welcome home, boys,'' Helen said. 

Philip got out of the car first, grabbing his bag with his personal belongings and sliding on his shoulder. He scrunched his nose when he saw where they were. It was very different from their old place. It was surrounded by trees and patches of land, a big change from the city scenery the two boys are used to. There was a small lake by the house and a barn beside the house in the backyard. 

The brunette is used to the city life. 

''Is there internet connection here?'' Philip asked, breaking the silence as Isak climbed out of the car. 

Helen laughed and nodded. ''Surprisingly, _yes_ , Philip,'' she replied. ''I need it for my job.'' 

The word exchange stopped there and what Helen thought was a step forward ended with two stepped back. Just great.

She led the two boys inside her house, giving them a little visit. It wasn't super big. The kitchen was the first thing you see when you walk in. The latter led to a small hallway where a bedroom, bathroom and living room were. In that same hallway was a staircase leading to Helen and Gabe's bedroom and an office.

''It's a lovely place you have, Mrs Torrance.''

Philip snickered in the back. Isak's such an ass kisser.

She smiled at Isak. ''You can call me Helen. Mrs Torrance is my mother, I'm Helen...or Officer Torrance but not off work hours,'' she said, trying to be funny but failed miserably. Way to go, Helen!

''Your bedroom is downstairs. We have a spare upstairs but the social worker said it would be best if you shared the same bedroom. She said it would make you feel more comfortable or something. I'm not qualified in that kind of stuff, so I did what she said.'' 

The front door opened and a man walked in. They all turned and Helen smiled at her husband.

''Oh, the boys are already here? You should've told me there were here,'' he said in his wife's direction, sharing a look.

She smiled sheepishly. ''We just got here. I was giving them a house tour,'' she explained.

The man nodded and toed off his boots, skipping the hallway to properly greet the boys. ''Nice to meet you, I'm Gabe, you must be Philip and Isak.'' 

***

''Isak,'' Helen said, her eyebrow lifted as she leaned forward to get his attention. ''Do you need something else?''

Isak shook his head to Helen's question. ''No, this is great. Thank you.'' 

Isak looked inside the cart; it was full of stuff for him and Philip. It had school supplies, socks, jeans, underwear, tee  shirts, toothbrushes and even shaving creams. Isak never used that before, he feels like a man now. 

''And you,'' Helen added, crossing things off her checklist to make sure they had everything. ''Do you need anything else?'' she asked Philip.

No response. She wasn't surprised he didn't respond, he's been ignoring her since she picked them up from the social worker offices.

''Philip?'' Gabe repeated. 

Still nothing.

Helen scanned the area but didn't see him. ''Where did he go? I can't believe we've lost one already, I got them two hours ago. I'm such a bad mother...'' 

Gabe walked over and put his hand over his wife's arm before lacing their hands together and whispering reassuring things to her. Isak looked at them with a fond look. He's never seen his mom like this, all her past boyfriends were assholes - no exceptions.

''I'll go look for him,'' Isak informed his foster parents, receiving a nod from Gabe as to say 'go ahead'.

The blonde walked the whole place twice but didn't see him. He can't be too far. The building is in the middle of nowhere, he can't have run off, can he? If he did, Helen would never forgive herself. They are under her custody, she's be in trouble if one were to run away. 

On his way back from the food department, a familiar head caught his eyes. _Philip_. He was standing between two men, one older than the other,hands stuffed in his pockets as they talked to him. Isak couldn't make out what they were saying but he seemed to be in trouble.

''In what shit did you get yourself into...'' Isak muttered, turning around and running back to Helen and Gabe.

A minute later, the three were at the front of the store where Isak saw his brother. ''Philip, there you are,'' Helen sighed, relieved she found him. 

At the sound of her voice, the two men spun. ''Is this one your's?'' the older man asked. Helen and Gabe nodded. ''One of my employee caught him stealing a pair of headphones in the electronic department.''

Gabe looked at him, trying his best to keep his calm. ''You don't need to steal. If you want something, just ask.'' 

''Is that how you used to get things back home? You'd _steal_ stuff?'' Helen continued. 

The brunette looked away, not replying to her question. Helen sighed and apologized to the manager. ''I promise this won't happen again, Sir.'' The man left and she turned to Philip with a stern look. ''Lucky for you I'm a cop, they won't press charges.''

''This town is ridiculous. Pressing charges for something stupid like that?'' Philip laughed, shaking his head. 

''Stealing is wrong-''

''Really, I didn't know?'' He rolled his eyes, his voice full of sarcasm. 

They dropped the subject and put an end to their shopping trip, knowing it wouldn't change anything if they kept arguing in the middle of a department store. It would just get attention on them. 

Helen went to check out while Gabe stayed with the boys to keep an eye on them - or, keep an eye on _Philip_. Isak glared disapprovingly at his older brother as he walked past him when they left the store, going back to the car.

***

  Just like the shopping trip, dinner was a fiasco. Helen Torrance and cooking does not go together. Firstly, she hates cooking and secondly, she's bad at it. She and Gabe eat take out food most of the time to save them from food poisoning. She's also a busy woman, she doesn't always have time to cook when she comes home after a long shift at the police station.

Gabe put the hot food on the table and told everyone to sit down. 

''Before eating, please remember, I don't want to cause harm to anyone.''

Her warning had the two boys frown in confusion. ''What?'' Isak said, speaking for his himself and his brother. 

The two adults shared a look and chuckled. 

''Helen's not a good cook.'' His tone was honest but playful. Gabe didn't say this in a mean way, Helen knows she's a bad cook. She burns pastas, overcooks meat and serves still frozen veggies. That's the way she is.

''Gabe! You said I wasn't that bad...'' She covered her face with her hands in embarrassment.

Gabe shrugged. ''Sorry, I had to tell them _before_ they start eating. It wouldn't have been fair to them.'' The man was laughing at the end of the table as the two boys stayed silent, not knowing if they should join in and laugh, or not.

Once Gabe's laughter died down, they started eating and it wasn't too bad for once, Gabe thought to himself. The veggies were not frozen this time. 

They all digged in, stuffing their stomach with chicken and veggies. Helen grabbed her glass of juice, taking a sip and as she looked up from her plate she noticed Philip wasn't eating but playing with his food with his fork. 

''Is something wrong with the food? Are you allergic to something in your plate?'' she asked in concern, raising an eyebrow at him.

He shook his head, pushing around his veggies. ''It's alright. I'm just not a fan of green beans.'' 

Helen nodded, taking note of the new information. ''What's your favorite food, Philip? I can get it for you tomorrow for dinner if you'd like.'' She offered his a kind smile but he didn't return it.

The boy hummed, thinking about his answer. ''Chinese take out,'' he replied, knowing they didn't have any Chinese restaurants here in Tivoli. 

Isak eyed him from across the table, knowing he was doing this on purpose. 

'' _Oh_.'' 

''We don't have those type of restaurent here...'' Gabe trailed. ''We have pizza, but no Chinese or other oriental food.''

''Is there anything that's not from the dinosaure era in this town?'' Philip snickered, taking a bite of his overcooked chicken. ''No Chinese take out, no mall, no movie theaters. It's pretty much a ghost town.'' 

On that note, Philip stood from his seat and went outside to breathe a little fresh air. He walked around the property, picking at things with some branch he found along the way. He stopped when he saw the old barn, opening the door and going inside. 

Piles of hay were perfectly piled on the perimeter of the barn, getting a little messier around the middle. By the amount of dried dirt and stray hay on the ground, Philip could tell no one has come here in a long time. 

He remembers Helen telling him they don't use the farm side of the property anymore. Their jobs doesn't allow them to. And, who wants to smells cow and pig shit every time they open a window?

Philip sat down on a pile of hay, grimacing when his hand touched something sticky and gross and pulled out his phone from his pocket. Helen and Gabe bought the headphones he tried to steal and he was so happy he had a new pair. He can throw away his old pair now. 

He pressed his back against the dried hay and started downloading his favorite song on his new device the social worker gave him. It's mainly to call them in case he wants to be relocated or has a problem with his foster family but it's _his_ phone, he can do whatever he wants.

During this time, Helen and Gabe were talking quietly in the kitchen while Isak sat on the couch in the living room and filled in some paper for school tomorrow. After Philip left the table, the atmosphere went down and so did their appetite. 

''I don't think I can do this... I know I said I've always wanted to have kids but- What if I can't do this whole parenting thing?'' 

Gabe pulled his chair close to hers. ''Don't be so hard on yourself, babe.'' 

She sighed, rubbing her face with her hands. ''Philip, he _hates_ me.''

''No, he doesn't. Give him time,'' Gabe whispered to her, rubbing her wrists. ''He'll warm up.''

She pulled her hands off her face and looked at her husband, desperation and worry filing her green eyes. ''What if he doesn't?''

***

  Around eight, Philip and Isak went to their room to unpack. They didn't have a lot of personal belongings, only clothes and a few pictures and stuff. To that was added all their foster parents bought them this afternoon. 

With the way the beds were placed, it looked a lot like a dorm room. Philip was relieved when he saw two twin size beds and not bunk beds because, let's be honest, those fucking sucks. There's a closet on the opposite wall but no dresser which means they'll have to share the closet. The older boy isn't a fan of that idea because it'll be easier for Isak to steal his clothes. 

Philip walked in first and dumped his stuff on the bed in the far corner, claiming it as his. Isak didn't mind which bed he had. At least it's an actual bed and not a mattress on the floor like at home. 

They unpacked in silence until Isak spoke. He was sitting on his bed, reading a book he brought from home. ''Why are you so mean to Helen? You shouldn't hold a grudge against her, what happened isn't her fault.''

Philip was laying on his back, head resting on the cushioned pillows as he played on his new phone. He sat up and looked at his brother with a small frown. ''I don't blame her-'' 

''I don't see you making efforts to get to know her either.'' Isak was right but Philip didn't want to admit it. ''Helen didn't have to do this, to take us in her house. But, she did. She didn't have to buy us beds and new clothes. But, she did.''

''She's _not_ mom, Isak!'' 

The blonde scoffed, pushing away his book. ''Don't you think I know that?'' he asked, his eyes looking straight into Philip's direction. ''Helen is nothing like mom and will never be.''

Philip couldn't tell if Isak meant that in a bad way or not. Did he say that because their mom is an addict and Helen isn't? Or because he genuinely thinks no one will ever replace his mom? It's tough to tell. 

The brunette arched an eyebrow. ''Really? That's not what it looks like.''

Ever since they arrived in this new town, Isak's been very friendly with their new foster mother. He even helped her cook dinner which is weird because Isak can't cook. 

''It's called being nice, you should try sometimes,'' Isak spat back. He's not that sassy usually but he didn't like the way Philip was talking about Helen, it felt right to take her defense. ''I'm not saying you need to love her and act like she's mom but, you should be a little grateful she took us in her house. Be nice to her and stop pushing her away. She needs time to adjust too.'' 

Philip sighed with pursed lips and gave Isak a short nod before looking up at him as to say he got it and will try giving Helen a chance. 

The rest of the evening was quiet. They stayed on their side of the room, not talking to each other. 

When ten o'clock ticked, Isak decided it was bed time and turned off his small light, only to turn it back on a minute after. 

''Philip?'' He hummed to say he wasn't sleeping and turned to face Isak. The blonde looked hesitant, opening his mouth a few times and closing it, thinking abut what he was going to say. ''Do you think we'll see mom again? Will she be okay on her own?'' 

The question caught Philip totally off guard. He didn't think his brother would worry about their mom.

They gazes locked and Philip could feel the worry in Isak's tone. Isak didn't side with his brother during the court audience but it doesn't mean he hates his mother. He still cares about her even if he doesn't show it a lot. 

Philip looked down, unable to reply his question. ''Good night, Isak,'' he said before laying down and plugging his headphones in, blocking the rest of the world with his music.

The question haunted him all night long. Was his mother going to be okay on her own? Without them? Without Philip? He was the one who took care of her and made sure she ate everyday. He was the one who helped her with the money when she spent too much on meds and cigarettes. 

How will she pay the bills now that Philip's not there to help? Who will make sure she doesn't die of starvation? Surely not her shitty boyfriend, he's such an ass. All he wants from her is good sex. He doesn't care about her health. 

And, she doesn't have a job. Junkies don't have jobs. 

Philip needs to find a way to help her. He promise himself he will despite the judge's order to stay away from his mom.  

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked this chapter. I know this chapter was mainly about Philip, Isak and their new family but I promise Even and Lukas will make an appearance very soon! 
> 
> p.s. Don't hate on Philip, it's just hard for him to leave his mom and be forced to move in with strangers. He's a good boy, I promise!


	3. Chapter two: One step forward, two steps back

  School isn't something either of the Shea brothers master. In fact, they really _suck_. In the city, school wasn't a big deal. Whether you were good or not, it didn't matter. But here, it's another story.

Grades are really important because if you want to get out of Tivoli, you need to find a good college and for that, you need to graduate and for that, you need to- Okay, you got the point. 

Helen dropped them at the school's entrance, wishing them both a good day. She wasn't an idiot, she knew they weren't gonna have a good day. High school is awful, she's been there too.

Red Hook high school wasn't the worst in the area but the second they stepped a foot on the school's ground, they _knew_ they wouldn't fit in.

Here, kids don't dress like the ones in the city. They wear boots and parkas, not sneakers and leather jackets. Isak will fit just fine for that last part, Philip thought to himself, trying to siffle a snicker. What can you say, he likes to make fun of his little brother. 

With his luck, Isak got Physical Education for his first period. He groaned when he saw the words on his schedule sheet. How is he supposed to make friends when he has P.E. for first class? He's _the_ worst at sports. He has two left feet.

The blonde made his way to the boys changing room, feeling awkward that his first time meeting his classmates he would be half naked. How casual.

A little less than ten guys were there when Isak walked in. They all turned, giving him a look. Feeling watched, Isak lowered his eyes and went to the far end of the changing room to not disturb anyone. 

Red Hook isn't a large high school. Everyone _knows_ when there's a newbie among them. 

Isak felt dumb because he didn't know he had P.E. today and didn't bring any shorts for the class. A hand tapped his shoulder and he abruptly turned around. 

For a second, Isak was scared because, was this blonde guy going to be his new bully? School has never been easy for him, not when everyone knows your mom's a junkie. 

''Erm, hey, you okay?'' the stranger asked.

''Y-yeah, I just-'' Isak chewed on his lip, still unsure of the guy's intentions. He sighed. ''No, I didn't know I had this class first period today...'' 

''I have a spare kit in my bag, want it?'' 

Isak eyed the guy cautiously. Why is this stranger offering him his spare gym kit? They just met. There must be a trap! ''Does it smells weird?'' 

The guy laughed, shaking his head. ''No. It's clean, I promise it's clean.'' 

''Okay. I'll take it.'' 

With a nod, the blonde student went to get his bag. He was back shortly, giving Isak the pair of dark shorts and white tee shirt. ''I'm, Magnus, by the way.'' 

''Isak.''

For Isak, it's been surprisingly easy to make friends at Red Hook but, it wasn't the same for Philip. Unlike his little brother, Philip isn't the type of person people wants to be seen with. He's not like the other students and doesn't mix in very well. He doesn't fit into any groups.

He likes music but doesn't play instruments. He's bad at sports and although he likes reading, he doesn't feel like entering a book club. That's a big no. 

At lunch, he sat alone in the cafeteria. He told Isak they'd eat together but it looks like the blonde made friends - a blonde with bad skin and one with dark hair. Philip didn't want to bother him and be the annoying brother so he stayed in his corner and played on his phone. 

Back in the city, when he was alone during lunch, Philip would go home and talk with his mom. Most of the time, she'd still be sleeping or sipping strong coffee on their yellow couch while smoking cigarettes. He _hated_ the smell of the nicotine but his love for his mother overpowered the nasty scent. They'd sit together and he'd lay his head on her shoulder while she played with his hair. 

Philip sighed sadly, nostalgia filling his stomach at the memories. 

Right now, he just want to call his mom, to hear her voice. He clicked on the call app on his phone and stared at the keyboard, eyeing the numbers. His thumb brushed over the numbers, remembering her's perfectly. He almost pressed 'call' but- Wait!

The judge said Anne wasn't allowed to contact her sons in any ways. No visits, no calls. _Nothing_. 

What if his phone was wired? The social worked gave it to him, it wouldn't be surprising. They're always so high on security. And, aren't they the ones who pays the phone's bills? If so, that means they can see every calls Philip makes...

Not wanting to get his mom in trouble, Philip decided to not ring her. The judge won't care who rings the other, the consequences will always be on Anne. 

With a sigh, Philip leaned back in his chair, waiting for the rest of lunch hour to pass. 

***

  After school, Isak was waiting for Philip outside. He sat in the stairs by the main doors so he could have a better vue on the yard.  Isak's been sitting there for about ten minutes and Philip still hadn't showed up. He was starting to worry. Class ended long ago, what's taking Philip so long?

Helen should be there soon and he wouldn't want to miss her car pulling up. She takes time out of her busy cop life to pick them up from school, it wouldn't be nice to make her wait half an hour in the parking. 

With a sigh, the blonde boy stood and went looking for his brother for the second time since they moved to Tivoli - they've only been here for _two_ days. 

It didn't take him long to find Philip. He was standing by a row of locker, chatting with a tall blonde. Talking about the blonde, he had Isak bite his bottom lip. His was wearing a dark jacket, and a cigarette was placed behind his ear. 

''Philip!'' Isak yelled, waving his arms in the air without thinking. He regretted it immediately when Philip _and_ the other guy turned and saw him.

Of course, he _had_ to do something embarrassing.

Philip glared, sending daggers in his direction and making the younger boy gulp.Does Isak always have to be so embarrassing? Philip quickly said bye to the blonde and walked over where Isak was.

''Who's the guy you were talking to?'' he asked when Philip joined him and the blonde guy walked away.

Philip frowned. ''Even?'' 

''Is that the blonde one?'' Philip nodded. ''Yep.''

''What about him?''

Isak shrugged, putting his hand on the handle of the car door. ''Nothing.'' 

They walked out of the building and heard a car honk: Helen. It was hard to miss her Sherif jeep. Philip quickly walked to her car, slipping into the passenger side.

''Hello, boys,'' Helen greeted the two teenagers as the got in her car. 

''Hi, Helen,'' Isak said, returning her smile. He took off his backpack and placed in beside him, buckling his seat-belt. ''Thanks for picking us up.'' 

She nodded at Isak before turning to Philip. ''I have a surprise for you.'' 

Philip raised an eyebrow at his foster mother. ''A surprise?'' he repeated in a questioning tone. He's been really shitty toward her since he got in Tivoli, why would she have a surprise for him? It doesn't make sense...

She nodded and turned on the car, pulling out of the parking. ''I kept my promise.'' 

''What?'' 

''I got Chinese take out for dinner.'' 

Philip snorted. There's no way Helen found Chinese take out in Tivoli. She said it herself, there's no oriental restaurent in this town. ''Yeah, right...'' 

Not believing her, Philip shook his head and pulled his phone and headphones from his pocket, shutting the rest of the world. 

''No way!'' Philip rushed to the table to see if she was joking but when his eyes landed on various small boxes with red symbols printed all over on the kitchen counter, he knew she was not kidding. She _did_ bring Chinese take out. ''Where did you get that?'' 

Helen took off her cop jacket, putting it on the hook by the door. ''Drove an hour just for that,'' she explained with a kind smile and this time, Philip returned it. ''I know it's probably not what you used to eat in the city but, it's Chinese take out.''

Seeing Philip smile for the first time was like a pat on the shoulder. Maybe she _can_ be a foster mom. She still needs a little coaching and encouragements but, she'll get there. 

Gabe entered the kitchen to join Helen and the kids for dinner. ''What's for dinner?''

''Philip's favorite,'' Helen replied, nodding her head in the teenager's direction. Gabe raised an eyebrow and smiled, seeing the happy look on Philip's face. He didn't think he'd see this so soon; he was so moody and difficult yesterday.

Their silent talk was interrupted by Philip's impatient self. ''Can we eat now? I wanna see if these noodles are edible.''

''Hey, I got it from a Chinese restaurent! It's real stuff,'' Helen defended.

''We'll see,'' Philip challenged, taking a plate from the cabinet and filling it with everything that was on the counter. Helen and Gabe watched him with smiles on their faces. 

''Don't take everything, leave me some,'' Isak said, nudging Philip with his elbow as the stood side by side at the counter, stuffing their plates.

Once everyone had food in their plate and were finally seated, Helen tried to make conversation. ''How was your first day at Red Hook?'' she asked before taking a bite of noodles. ''Did you make friends?'' 

Isak nodded and started telling them about Magnus and Jonas while Philip ate quietly. It's always easier to get words out of Isak. 

''I think I know these boys. Is Jonas's father the owner of the Convenience store?'' Gabe has been living here all his life, he knows _everyone_ in Tivoli, it's not surprising he might know Jonas's dad. 

The blonde nodded. ''Yes, that's him.'' 

''And you, Philip?'' 

He hummed, not looking up from his plate. ''Me, what?'' Helen repeated her question and he shrugged. ''I don't need friends,'' Philip replied before taking a sip of his lemonade. It wasn't the best choice when eating Chinese take out but that's all Helen and Gabe have in their fridge - and beers.

''Why not?'' 

''Not everyone wants friends,'' Philip rudely said, eyebrows furrowing and jaw tightening as he stabbed his food.

Helen tried to stay calm. One step forward, two step back. _Will it always be like this with Philip?_ she wondered. 

Gabe gave her an apologetic glance. 

The social worker told Helen to get to know her foster sons and ask questions about them and their personal life. It's working with Isak, he's not the problem but the older one... They're definitely going to have to try another tactic with Philip because this one is _not_ working. 

***

  The next day at school, it wasn't better for Philip. 

In fact, it got _worst_. 

How can it get worst, you might ask? Let's just say Philip wasn't expecting someone to ask him _that_ question...

He was sitting with Even at lunch, talking about their biology project they had to hand on Friday when some guys walked toward them and stopped at their table. 

''How much?'' one of them asked. 

Philip looked up at the guy with a frown. ''Excuse me?'' 

The had his back to the whole cafeteria to make sure no one heard their conversation. ''Amphetamine, GBH, molly...anything.'' 

 _Drugs_.

Even knitted his eyebrows together. ''Why would he have that?'' he asked, giving the three guys a questioning look. 

''His mom's a junkie,'' one of the guys stated. 

Philip panicked. How do they know that? He didn't tell anyone. And Isak either. Isak never talk about their mom, he doesn't like that side of her. 

''I'm sure you have something on you. Son like mother, you know,'' the second added with a knowing glance at Philip. 

''I'm not what you think I am.'' The first guy scoffed, not believing him. ''I'm not my mom's dealer, okay. Leave me alone.'' 

Philip sighed when they three guys left and went back to their friends a few meters away.

What the _fuck_ was that? He hopes they didn't go to Isak too. People in need of drugs can get violent...

[To: Isak]

_You okay? Did some guys come to you?_

He got a reply immediately. 

[From: Isak]

_No_

Once his worries were appeased, he glanced at Even, ready to see his judging look, thinking this was going to be the end of their friendship but to Philip's surprise, the blonde's face was blank. Maybe a little surprised but there was no judgement what's so ever.   

''I think we should do the first one, it's a little harder to make but, most are lazy so we'll get more points becuase we didn't take the easy one,'' Even said, continuing their biology project. 

Philip frowned. ''You don't say anything?'' 

The blonde looked up. ''About what?'' 

''My mom being...a junkie,'' Philip mumbled. He's not proud to say his mom is a junkie but he won't deny it. She is what she is. Her addiction to meds doesn't make her a bad person.

Even shrugged. ''Everyone has their own problems. It's not because you're related that you have the same illnesses.'' 

''Being an junkie isn't an illness.'' 

''It _is_. I've read that somewhere, I think it was from an article online or something. Addictions are a type of mental illness. Addictions change the brain, disturbing the normal hierarchy of needs and desires.'' 

Is he some kind of Wikipedia or something? How does he know all that by heart.

''I'm not gonna stop hanging out with you because your mom's mentally ill, Philip. She's not a murderer - even if she were, that wouldn't make you a murderer.'' Philip chuckled at the thought of his mom being a murderer. She could never kill someone, she's too kind. ''Can we go back to our biology project now? I'd like to be done before Thursday, because I have an essay due on Friday too and I haven't started,'' Even said, grimacing at the thought of his essay, clearly not feeling it.

''Yeah, sure,'' Philip replied, picking up his pencil and started writing what they'll need for their project. 

Philip smiled. The world needs more people like Even. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this is Even's first appearance! I know it wasn't much and he and Isak didn't interact but, give them time. Isak's new to the school, they can't fall into each other's arms so soon.


	4. Chapter three: Nice to meet you?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I SPOILED you with visuals for this chapter!
> 
> p.s. I'll add songs to the chapters once I find one for every chapters - one of my favorite thing to do. Some are difficult while some are super easy so don't hesitate to send suggestions for the previous chapters, any help would be appreciated! (I'd give credits)
> 
> p.p.s. Please go back to last chapter and re-read the last scene. I don't know why but some bits had been erased when publishing...so annoying!!

  Isak was sitting in the lunch room with his friends, chatting as they ate. They got out of class early today for lunch and had the luxury to be the first to chose their meal from the cantine menu. 

Last years always get out first and takes what's best to eat which really sucks. No one wants to eat dry meatballs or cardboard pastas. 

''Can I borrow you Math homework?'' Jonas asked Magnus. The blonde hesitated. ''I just want to see if I did it right,'' Jonas explained.

Magnus snorted, not believing him at all. Jonas _never_ do his Math homework, he always copies on Magnus. Why would he suddenly change? 

''To copy all my hard work? No fucking way. I stayed up till midnight to finish this one.'' 

''I'm not gonna do that!'' 

''You always do that, Jonas. I've known you since we're five years old.'' 

''That doesn't mean anything...'' Jonas trailed innocently.

Magnus scoffed, biting into his chicken sandwich. 

Knowing it was already lost with Magnus, Jonas turned to Isak. ''Hey, Isak. Can I compare my math homework with yours?'' 

The blonde shrugged. ''Yeah, sure but I wouldn't trust my answers, I'm the worst at Maths.''

''Don't care.'' Isak gave him a weird look before pulling out his Math homework from his bag. ''I didn't have time to do it last night. I was chatting with this really hot girl-'' 

''Knew it!'' Magnus cheered. 

Jonas rolled his eyes and ignored him. ''Like I was saying...''

Isak zoned out of the conversation as he looked up to see Even,  sitting with two guys that Isak assumed were last years too. The older boy was wearing a dark hoodie with a denim jacket on top which was a little weird since they were _inside_ the school... Isak didn't focus too long on that, he was mostly preoccupied by observing and memorizing every inches of the tall blonde. 

Before Even, Isak didn't really look at guys. He didn't really look at girls either. But Even, he was- He was now staring right back at him and, _oh shit_. Isak looked down immediately before looking up again, more subtly this time. His cheeks went red when he saw Even was still staring at him.

''Isak?'' Jonas said, pulling the boy from his bubble.

Isak hummed, giving his friends his full attention, tearing his eyes away from Even. 

''You'll be there, right?'' Magnus asked.

''Where?'' 

Magnus sighed in desperation. ''To Emma's party,'' he explained. ''Her parents are out of town this weekend, she invited everyone.''

 _Everyone_? Does that means Even will be there? Not that Isak's obsessed with him, because he's really not. He did _not_ dream about him later night, nope.

''The whole school?'' Isak asked cautiously. 

Jonas nodded and that was all Isak needed to confirm his presence. 

***

  After school, Isak had to take the bus home. Helen was working late and Gabe's pick up wasn't working so the bus was his only option - or walk. Helen and Gabe's house is a little far from Red Hook high school so the latter wasn't an option. 

Philip should be in this bus too but, for some unknown reasons, he's not. 

The bus was almost full when Isak got in. He scanned the bus and saw there was only one empty seat so he quickly took it. A few seconds after he got in, the bus started to move but stopped again. 

 _What is that?_ Isak wondered.

The bus's doors opened and a tardy student got in. He apologized to the driver, about to explain the reason of his delay but the man stopped him, not having time to hear his story.  ''Won't happen again, Gordon,'' the student promised. 

''Yeah, yeah, hurry up, kid,'' the driver replied, shooing him to the back. 

The boy walked trough the bus, frowning when seeing there was no seats left. Isak looked up to see who the tardy kid was and he was pleasantly surprised to see Even. The bus started to move and Even almost fell, grabbing onto a metal bar to save himself the embarrassment of a fall. The clumsy action made Isak chuckle.

''You think it's funny?'' Even asked him, raising his eyebrows in a dancing way. Isak shrugged and Even crossed the other side of the bus to stand on Isak's side. ''Hello, I'm Even.''

''I know.'' Even frowned in confusion. ''My brother's in your Biology class.''

''Oh.''   

The bus hit a bump on the road and Even has to clutch the railing tighter to not fall on Isak. That would've been really funny yet awkward. 

''Are you coming to Emma's party this Friday?'' Isak asked, not knowing where this sudden boost of confidence came from. 

''Emma? She's your girlfriend?'' 

Isak laughed, shaking his head. ''No. I-I don't even know who she is,'' he explained, trying to hide his awkward stutter. He didn't want to make a fool of himself in front of Even but, guess that's too late because he fucking _stuttered_. ''My friends told me about her party. They said she's inviting everyone, it goes for you too.''

''Okay. I'll try to stop by.'' 

For the rest of the ride, they talked about movies. Even _loves_ movies. In his old school, he used to direct plays and film small movies with his friends. The older boy said they were really lame and armateur but Isak took note to check them out once he gets home. 

They can't be that bad if Even directed them. 

Soon, the bus stopped at Isak's stop. He waved at Even and got down the bus in silence. Isak couldn't control the smile plastered on his face. 

He talked to Even. 

And he invited him to Emma's party. He still can't believe he did this. Isak's always so shy and awkward when he has to ask people out. No wonders he rarely do it. It's the fastest way to Embarrassment Land...

With a content sigh, Isak followed the gravel path, Even's empty promise resonated in Isak's head as he walked home. 

***

  Bag of grocery in hand, Philip exited the convenient store. He doesn't know Tivoli very well but his foster dad promised him he wouldn't get lost. And he was right. The convenient store is the only place to get groceries from, there's nothing else here. 

Gabe had him get milk and eggs to make a 'special' dinner. He had no idea what his foster father was gonna cook but Gabe promised he'd love it. Curious, Philip went and got what he needed.

The brunette was walking in the parking lot when lights flashed in his eyes and almost rolled him over. His eyes widen, alert. He turned his head to see what that was and saw a motorcycle. He slowly looked down to see where the tire had stopped. It was only a few millimeters from Philip; it was a close one. _Very_ close. 

''Watch where you're going!'' Philip started to yell at the driver.

The guy took off his helmet and got down from his bike, turning the contact off at the same time ''Relax, I wouldn't have run you over. I know how my engine works.''

The motorcyclist shook his blonde hair to 'tame' them but they were just as messy as when he took off his helmet. Philip eyed him up and down and he'd be lying if he said he didn't enjoy what he was looking at. 

Taking on himself and trying to not let his dick do the talking, Philip scoffed. ''Really? Doesn't look like it...'' 

''You have no idea who I am, do you?'' the blonde asked, stepping closer.

Philip shrugged, his eyes locking with Lukas's blue ones. ''Tell me if I'm wrong but, so far, you're this cocky guy who doesn't know how to drive a motorcycle.'' 

''No, seriously. You're not from here, right? I haven't seen you in Tivoli before.'' 

''You got that right, I'm from the city.''

Lukas hummed. ''A city boy?'' 

Maybe the blonde didn't meant to be offensive but Philip definitely took it the wrong way. 

''What's wrong with the city? At least we have decent pizza.'' 

''I'll give you that, City Boy,'' Lukas agreed. Tivoli pizza - or any food from Tivoli - isn't the best. 

''My name's _not_ City Boy.''

''What is it, then?'' Lukas asked.

''Why should I tell you?''

Lukas rolled his eyes before laughing. ''Oh, come on, I almost ran you over with my bike!'' 

''Yeah, that's a good reason to not tell you my name. What if you did it on purpose?''

''Oh yeah, that's it. I was planning on killing you but...''

Philip gave him a questioning look as to say, go on. ''But what?''

The blonde shook his head and changed subject. ''Why don't you come over tomorrow after school, I'll show you what I'm capable of.'' Lukas grinned. ''There's a training track behind my house, there's jumps and all. I go there all the time.''

''Your own training track, uh? Fancy.'' 

''If mud and sand is fancy for you then, I guess it is.''

Philip tried to hide his smile. ''I should go, Gabe is waiting for this,'' he said, lifting his plastic bag with the groceries in it. 

Lukas nodded, getting back on his motorcycle. He put his helmet back on and before he started the engine, Philip stopped him. 

''It's Philip.'' 

The blonde frowned. ''What?'' 

''My name. It's Philip.'' 

Lukas smirked. ''See you tomorrow, Philip.'' 

***

  When he came home from school, Isak went straight to his room after saying 'hi' to Gabe and grabbed the laptop. It's not his personal laptop - he has to share with Philip - but he doesn't mind. It's mostly for schoolwork anyway. 

Isak sat on his bed and put the device on his lap, typing in the name of Even's old school. He scrolled on the main page, trying to find the amateur movies the older boy told him about. He saw one named _Even Bench Næsheim - The other universe_ and clicked on it.

The video started with some brunette guy talking to the camera and saying they were gonna go see his what his friend Even was doing. Then, the blonde appeared on the screen. He was wearing a black cap and hoodie, making his blue eyes stand out against the dark fabric. 

He watched Even laugh and making small talk with Captain America and a Barbie doll in a little wooden house. Isak found himself smiling at the screen while Even talked nonsense between the dolls. 

When the video ended, Isak closed the window. 

What is happening to him? What is this Even guy doing to him? Is he- Is he interested in a... _boy_?

Isak shook his head. _No way_. It doesn't sound right. He likes girls, right. But Even...

Ugh, he's never put his sexuality in question before and it's troubling him. Sighing, he opened a new window on his laptop and wrote:  _How to know if you're gay?_  It was dumb and probably useless but he typed it anyway. The first link he saw was a gay test to mesure the 'gayness' in you. He clicked on the page. 

First question: _1. What do you think you are?_

_A) Bisexual_

_**B) Straight** _

_C) Gay_

_2. Who would you feel comfortable making out with for hours?_

_A) Either the hottest girl or guy in your grade_

_B) The hottest guy in your grade_

_C) **The hottest girl in your grade**_

It's only the second question and Isak doesn't know what to answer... This test is going to be a long ride.

Even isn't in his grade so he didn't know what to answer because there's no other guy he wants to make out with than Even. Ugh, theses tests are so fucking complicated, how are they supposed to help you figure out your sexuality?

_3. Who would you feel comfortable having sex with?_

_A) **Only a guy**_

_B) Either a girl or a guy_

_C) Only a girl_

Isak groaned, once again conflicted. Why is there no answers for confused people? The only time Isak tried to 'get personal' with a girl, he couldn't get it up...so he told her he had to go home to his mom. 

So, let's go from eliminations. 

_4. Have you ever had a sexual experience with another guy?_

_A) Yes, and I HATED it / No, and I don't want to._

_B) **Yes, it was ok / No, but I guess I would like to**_

_C) Yes, and I LOVED it / No, but I want to_

_5. Have you ever had a sexual experience with a girl?_

_A) **Yes, and I HATED it / No, and I don't want to**_

_B) Yes, and I LOVED it / No, but I want to_

_C)_ _Yes, it was ok / No, but I guess I would like to_

_6. Who have you had ROMANTIC feelings toward?_

_A) Both guys and girls_

_B) **Just guys**_

_C)_ _Just girls_

Or, more like, just Even.Isak never felt anything for someone before him. That's why he's all confused. This is so new and overwhelming.

_7. Who have you had SEXUAL feelings toward?_

_A) Just girls_

_B)_ _Both guys and girls_

_C) **Just guys**_

He can't get it up for a  girl so...

_8. If you could get locked in a closet with someone from your school, and you two could do anything you wanted without anybody else finding out, who would it be?_

_A) **The hottest guy in your grade**_

_B) The hottest girl in your grade_

_C) Either one/ it doesn't matter_

Even's not in his grade but for the sake of the question, we'll pretend. 

_9. Okay, so you are in the locker room at your gym, and a really attractive guy comes over and gets changed next to you. What do you do?_

_A) T_ _ake a glance or two_

_B) STARE AT HIM!_

_C) **Nothing. It's just a guy**_

_10. Imagine yourself 10 years from now. You just got home from a long stressful day of work, and you just want to curl up with your lover and cuddle. When you think about cuddling with someone, who gives you that warm comforting feeling inside._

_A) Cuddling with a girl_

_B) Cuddling with either a guy or girl, its the same_

_C) **Cuddling with a guy**_

Cuddles with Even sounds perfect.Anything that means being close to Even sounds perfect. Cuddle, kiss, Isak is fine with anything. 

_11. Ok, so HONESTLY, do you wish you were in a boy's arms being loved right now?_

_A) EW NO! I'd rather be with a girl._

_B) I guess. But a girl would be ok too._

_C) **YES! That's all I want.**_

Now he sounds desperate... Just great.

_12. What comes closest to your thinking?_

_A) Guys are just as sexy as girls_

_B) **Guys are sexy and I love them**_

_C)Girls are so much more sexier than guys_

Them.More like just this one guy but that's the closest to his answer so, that will do. 

Isak hit the 'see results' button and anxiously waited for his test results.  He doesn't know why he's so anxious, it's just a stupid online test, it doesn't mean anything. Right?

 _Ding_!

His head snapped up and he read the result:  _For 67 % you are: You're GAY! Be proud! Guys are the hottest things in the word. I hope you find the man of your dreams and live a happy life together!_

Isak fell back on his pillows with a groan just as the door opened and Philip poked his head in, making the blonde quickly sat up, closing the laptop cover. 

''Isak, dinner's ready,'' he said. 

He pushed the laptop off him before rubbing his face with his palms. ''Oh, yeah, coming,'' he replied, trying to be smooth.

Philip raised an eyebrow. ''You okay, Isak? You look a little flushed,'' Philip noted, seeing his brother's panicked face. 

He almost got caught doing a gay quiz online, how can he not panic? Philip can't know he's gay. Well, the _test_ said he was gay. There's still a chance he's not gay. Tests like this aren't reliable. 

''I'm fine, it's just...this Math homework is really difficult,'' he lied, passing a hand trough his messy, wavy hair. ''Math's hard,'' Isak added.

The older boy gave him a look, not quite believing him but not pushing any more. If Isak doesn't want to tell him something, it's okay. He'll come to Philip when he's ready. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lukas has been introduced! And, Philkas and Evak interacted together for the first time! I HAD to put a test/am I gay online search in this book, it was too funny not to. I didn't use the same Isak did in the show, it would've been a little boring to see the same thing. Don't forget to leave kudos/comments, I love to hear feedback from you all, xx


	5. Chapter four: ...And the cat is out of the bag

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so, so much for all the feedback <3 I'm not feeling my best right now - haven't been for the past couple weeks - and writing this/reading your comments makes me a little more happy.

  After school on Wednesday, Philip went to Lukas's training tracks. Just like the latter said, it wasn't anything fancy. Far from; it was really dirty and muddy, a combo Philip's sneakers didn't appreciate. Dirt got inside pretty quickly, making him grimace as he felt the small pebbles under his socks. 

Ahead of him he could see sand dunes and then all of a sudden Lukas was coming up over the hill and doing a basic jump before landing on at the bottom of the hill. His dark eyes couldn't stop staring at the Lukas as he jumped a couple feet in the air before landing on the ground smoothly. 

Lukas saw Philip walking toward the tracks and drove in his direction, stopping his bike in front of him a little more careful than last time. The blonde pushed up the goggles so his face was visible. ''Hey, you came,'' Lukas said, flashing a smile at Philip. 

''I did.'' They stared at each other, not saying anything. Lukas was wearing his full gear which was really tight on the bottom half, making Philip gulp thickly. 

''Wanna see some cool tricks and jumps? I need to warm up a little more before we start filming.'' 

Philip nodded and Lukas took off as dirt flew off his back tires, riding toward the tracks. He was going really fast and for a second, Philip got scared he wouldn't make the first sharp turn. But he did. 

The blonde was getting to the first jump and Philip watched him in anticipation. He was going faster and faster and before he knew it, Lukas was a few feet in the air and then landing on the other side of the jump.  

 _Wow_. 

Lukas did a few more laps around the tracks, doing a couple tricks and jumps to impress Philip. And it _worked_.

''Can you start filming me now? If it's any good, I'd like to put it on my YouTube channel,'' Lukas shouted to Philip from the top of the table top. 

The brunette nodded. ''Yeah, I got my phone,'' he replied, wiggling the small device in his hand so Lukas could see it. 

He nodded and Philip stepped back, trying to get a good angle with his phone's shitty camera. He pressed the record button when he heard Lukas's bike roaring in the distance. The blonde speed up the hill and lifted his legs off the bike's footpeds as he was in the air before landing at the bottom of the second hill. 

They continued filming some more until it started getting dark. Lukas did one last lap before racing to Philip. ''Did you get this one?'' Lukas asked, taking off his helmet, ruffling his sweaty blonde hair. 

''Yeah, come here,'' Philip said, clicking on the video on his phone and showing Lukas the footage. ''Damn, that was so cool. You're fucking insane.''

''Did you see that last-

''Tell me who's filming again? Of course I saw _that_!'' 

''Wow, that's so much better than what I usually put up on my channel. Can you- Do you think you can put in on my YouTube channel? I bet my sponsors would like that.'' 

The brunette nodded. ''Sure, just log in.'' He passed his phone to Lukas and the boy typed in his username and password, giving Philip his device back. Philip selected the video and waited for it to upload. 

''Want a ride home? It's getting late,'' Lukas offered. Philip opened his mouth to speak but his stomach made a loud rumbling and Lukas chuckled. ''You hungry?'' He didn't wait for Philip's response. ''Let's go to my place first. We can have a snack and then I'll drop you off?''

Philip slipped his phone in his pocket and sat on the bike behind Lukas. ''You sure it's safe? I can just walk, you know-''

It wasn't safe to ride with no helmet but Lukas's house wasn't far from the tracks. Five minutes max. Nothing will happen on the way. They don't even go on the road, Lukas prefers to pass trough the woods, it's faster.

''I have a second helmet at home, you can take if when I drop you home. But for now, just get on.'' 

''Lukas...'' 

Tugging at his hair in frustration, Lukas let out an annoyed groan. ''Oh my god, Philip, will you just get on the fucking bike already?'' Philip bite down on his lip, still hesitating. He looked at Lukas then the bike and back to Lukas and the bike and back- They could crash and without something on his head, if he hits his head on the ground or against a tree, it's _over_ for Philip. Seeing the look on his face, Lukas sighed and lowered his voice, catching Philip's eyes and looking straight into his brown irises. ''I'll be careful, I promise.'' 

Lukas sat first and Philip awkwardly sat behind him. ''How do I sit? I mean, where do I grip-''

Shaking his head, Lukas took care of the situation and grabbed Philip's hands and made him wrap his arms around his middle. ''Hold tight.''He made the engine rumble loudly after adjusting his helmet and they were off.

A squeal left the brunette's lips when the motorcycle went off, Philip's grip tightening around Lukas.

Just like Lukas said, the drive to his house wasn't long. They did a little jumps in the woods but nothing crazy since Philip was on the bike and didn't have a helmet. If he did, Lukas would've gone a little more wild. 

After parking his bike by the side of the house, Lukas unlocked the door and let them in and went straight to the fridge after taking off his protecting gear. Philip took off his sneakers and sat on the counter beside the fridge, making himself home.

''Want one?'' Lukas asked, taking a beer out. Philip smirked and he threw it at him, almost dropping it on the floor. ''Pussy.'' 

Philip rolled his eyes and opened the beer bottle, taking a sip. Lukas took it from him and wiped the top with his tee shirt. ''Hey, how many likes did I get?'' he asked before taking a long sip. 

''Erm, thirty-two, in less than ten minutes. That's not bad actually,'' Philip replied, pulling his phone out and opening the YouTube app. 

''Oh, damn, that's good!'' He hummed, leaning so he could see the screen better. ''Any comments?'' 

''Yeah, Rose says that you're... _dope,_ '' Philip mocked and Lukas tsked him, shoving his shoulder.

''Whatever.'' 

''You know her?'' he asked, trading the beer bottle for his phone.

''Kinda...'' Lukas trailed, not staying on the subject. ''I've never had footage like this before. It's way better than what I have on my channel right now.'' ''

''The quality is shit on this, the image quality is so much better on a DSLR.''

''Well, _this_ is good. You're amazing. I mean, you're awesome.''

Philip looked up at Lukas, his eyes taking in his facial features. His perfectly shaped eyebrows, his beautiful blue eyes, prominent cheekbones, soft looking milky skin and mismatched lips. But again, who has perfect lips? One is always bigger/thinner than the other. 

Philip's phone went off, breaking him from his trance. They both looked down, Helen's name flashing on the screen. ''I should get home.'' 

***

  Lukas dropped him off and Philip watched his speed off into the street, a small smile on his face. A film of today's evening flashed in the brunette's head. Lukas's so cool, Philip doesn't understand why the blonde wanted to hang out with him. Okay, he needed someone to film him for his channel but, he could've asked anyone. Why him?

Philip walked to the door of his foster home, still feeling some pebbles poking at his feet as he climbed the stairs. When he opened the door, Helen was immediately on his case, standing from her kitchen chair.

''Where were you, Philip? Gabe and I were so worried-'' 

Philip rolled his eyes, taking off his shoes and freeing his feet from the uncomfortable pebble-y footwear. ''Relax, I was just with some friend.''

He scanned the room and saw dinner was already on the table and everyone was seated which meant Philip was late for dinner. Oops? For his defense, he didn't see time go when he was with Lukas. 

''Even?'' Isak asked, looking up from his plate.

Philip gave his brother a look. ''No, why are you so obsessed with him?'' 

''I'm not obsessed...'' Isak mumbled, looking down at the tiled floor, hoping no one would catch his lie.  

''Yeah, that's why you always bring him into the conversation,'' the older brother snickered. 

Helen pointed at the two boys. ''Hey, you two, quit doing that,'' she warned, her parental tone speaking up. She sighed and took a deep breath, turning to Philip again, speaking more calmly this time. ''Philip, you need to tell us when you go to a friend's house after school.''

''I did. I told you this morning when you dropped us off at school. You just weren't listening. You _never_ listen.'' 

''That's not true- I, I try, Philip. This isn't easy for me either. It's all so new and I need to get used to being a foster mom.'' 

''You wouldn't have to be my foster mom if Isak would've shut his big mouth at the trial!'' 

And the cat is out of the bag. 

Helen was suspicious Philip's behavior toward her had something to do with his mom and being taken away from her but she didn't think Isak would be the cause. Foster kids tends to stick together and are super protective of each other but not in the Shea brother's case. 

At first, she didn't say anything because she imagined how difficult it is for Philip to wake up one day in a new home with a new family in a new neighborhood and being sent to a new school where you know no one and no one except your little brother knows you. 

From what she heard, he was really close to his mom and now, she got completely cut off from his life. Philip lost his mom and, although she's not dead, he's _grieving_ in a way. 

People grieves differently. Some cries, some even goes into depression. 

In Philip's case, he's constantly yearning for what was lost. If the judge hadn't put a restriction order for Anne, the teenager would've probably run off to her in the middle of the night. But he didn't because it would put her in a lot of trouble and Philip doesn't was his mom to be in trouble. She has enough problems on her own. 

Since he moved to Tivoli, Helen noticed a few things about Philip's behavior - she's a cop, she does it without noticing. He's been very distant and isolated but apparently, it's a part of his personality and she shouldn't worry to much.

A part of her was still worried she was the reasons of Philip's cold, distant behavior. She thought he didn't like her or that he was blaming her for what happened to his mom but, now, everything clicked. Philip isn't mad at Helen or Gabe or the social worker who put them in this new family. He's mad at _Isak_. 

''Philip!'' This time, it was Gabe who spoke up. He's not one to yell a people but he's not gonna let some teenager talk to their little brother like that. ''I think you should go to your room for the rest of the night.'' 

''What about dinner?'' he asked them. ''You're gonna let me starve to death? I could call the social services for that and-''

''I'll bring you a plate later,'' Helen replied in a calm voice. ''Now, go.'' 

With a defeated sigh, Philip crossed the kitchen and went down the hall, surprising Helen and Gabe when he didn't slam the door. 

Then, Helen turned to Isak. The blonde had his head down, his blue irises glued on his plate. A look of guilt was on his face and Helen felt bad for him. 

What Philip said was hurtful. He shouldn't blame his brother for what happened with their mom. Anne is a junkie, it's not a healthy lifestyle for raising teenagers - or any child. Isak did the right thing by telling the truth.

A part of her wanted to go and comfort him but she didn't know he she should. Would Isak want her to hug him?

''I-I fucked up,'' he said in a soft, almost inaudible voice. 

Gabe waited a few minutes, letting Philip a little time to cool down. He's been a teenager too and grew up around tons of them, he knows not to go after teenagers when they blow up. 

The man opened the door slowly, poking his head in to see Philip sitting on his bed, knees curled up to his stomach and his head resting against the wall. He didn't say anything when Gabe took a peak so the latter walked in and quietly closed the door behind. 

''I get it if you don't want to talk right now but _I_ want to talk to you.'' Gabe sat on the end of the bed. ''We've never talked about this but this house has rules. I'm not talking about chores, no. More from the respect genre. You're in my house, Philip. Helen and I kindly offered you a place to live, a better environment, but we won't tolerate any disrespect coming from anyone and to anyone.'' 

''I don't know what happened in court or with your mother other than what your social worker told us and you don't _have_ to tell me but, I'd like you to leave those stories in court.''

It was a reasonable compromise. His foster family doesn't need to be tangled with their past. 

Philip didn't move or speak but Gabe knew he was listening so he continued. ''Isak did the right thing that day. You might not understand it now but, you will, one day. He did it to _protect_ you. You were lucky. I know people who were addicted to certain drugs and things ended really bad for them. I'm talking worst than jail. Do you know what happen when you have debts to pay but no money for your dealer? Do you know what happen when said dealer is sick of-''

''I miss my mom.'' Philip's voice was drained from emotions but Gabe sensed a bit of sadness in his tone. 

Gabe pursed his lips, giving Philip a sympathetic look. ''I know...'' 

''When I was with Lukas, I was able to forgot, for a moment, that I was taken away from her. We had fun together tonight and I haven't had fun like this in a really long time. I felt...happy?''  

''Lukas? Is this boy your friend?''

Philip shrugged, his lips curving up a little at the mention of Lukas. ''I don't know. We've only hung out once,'' he replied, not sure what to answer. 

''I hope you two get to hang out more in the future if he makes you feel like that.''

'' _Me too_ ,'' Philip wanted to say. 

''When I came back here and Helen started to yap at me, I thought she was trying to replace my mom and- It just reminded me that I couldn't see my mom anymore becuase of that stupid restriction order.''

''Your mom's choice of living isn't suitable-'' 

''I know...'' Philip turned his face to the wall, hiding from Gabe again even more. He wasn't scared, he just didn't want to see him. Raising his hand, he covered his face and rubbed at his skin. ''It wasn't always easy with her. She was stoned most of the time and even 'forgot' to pay rent a couple times to get drugs.'' 

''See, _that_ 's a terrible decision. She shouldn't have done that-''

Sitting up properly, Philip glared at the man. ''It's not like we didn't have a roof on our heads, the landlord didn't kick us out,'' he defended, not liking that Gabe was trying to make Anne sound like a bad person.

''She's not a bad person. She had her bad days but, she's still my mom. She had good days too. People just don't believe me.''

'' _I_ do,'' Gabe said, putting a hand on Philip's knee. 

The younger boy slowly lifted his eyes to meet with Gabe's and blinked. For the first time, someone believed him and that made Philip feel a little less alone.

***

  The next day, Philip didn't got to school. He went with Helen and Gabe to see the social worker about Anne and the details of her court airing/conditions. They know she isn't enough stable to raise kids, but maybe she could visit - with presence of another adult, of course. Or just call? 

The change would be less hard on Philip. 

Alas, it's not their choice to make...

Due to that, Isak had to take the bus again on Thursday. He was surprised to see Even was already in the bus when he's usually late. A smile tugged at his lips when he saw him and Isak looked down, hoping the taller boy didn't see that. This time, there was no seats left when Isak got in so he stood next to Even and grabbed the metal bar as the bus started moving. Even looked up when he felt a presence, moving his eyes from side to side with his lips pursed.

''Hello,'' he said, sensing Isak wasn't going to break the ice and talk first.

''Hello.''

Isak wanted to slap himself. Did he really just repeat what Even said? Ugh, he's so fucking _lame_. Maybe instead of searching if he was gay he should've searched for flirting tactics... Yeah, he really needs to do that because his starings and awkward self isn't gonna get him a cute boy.

''You take the bus often?'' Isak asked.

 _Go on with the dumb questions Isak, way to go..._ he thought, wanting to clap himself on the back.

''I don't know about you but, walking ten kilometers from school isn't something I fancy doing everyday. So, yeah,'' Even replied with a chuckle that had Isak's inside warm with adoration.

He wanted to keep the conversation going but didn't know what to say. They could talk about...ugh, his mind is completely blank right now. All that comes to his mind is last night's research but he can't really tell Even that he stalked him online and made a gay quiz. _Hell no_.

Lucky for him, the older boy saved the day.

''What year are you in?'' Even asked, raising an eyebrow. ''You said your brother was in my class so, you must be younger.''

''I'm fifteen, going on sixteen.''

''Isn't it thirteen going on thirty?''

Isak frowned, more than confused. ''What?''

''The movie. You've never watched it? It's a comedy staring Jennifer Garner and Mark Ruffalo. Not my style but Sonja made me watch it a couple weeks ago.''

''Sonja? Is Sonja your sister?'' Isak asked.

Even's face dropped, all happiness drained from his face. ''Nope, she's my girlfriend,'' he replied, his eyes looking out the window as if he didn't want to see Isak's reaction. 

Out of everything the blonde just said, only one word stood out to Isak. _Girlfriend_. What a mood-kill. Isak isn't surprised though. Just look at him, it was impossible Even wasn't already taken. His cute face is just too cute for being single.

''Oh.''

After Even dropped the bomb, Isak didn't feel like talking anymore.

He spent half the night on Tuesday convincing himself that he wasn't gay to conclude on the next morning that maybe, he was a little gay for Even only to find out said boy already had a girlfriend.

Does that mean he did all this brain work for nothing? Isak was hurt and upset. His little heart was _crushed_. That's a bit dramatic, he and Even weren't even a thing, but aren't all teenagers a little dramatic?

Right now, all Isak wanted was to get off this bus and go home. And put as much distance possible between he and Even but he couldn't. Not yet. It wasn't his stop.

As much as he wants to find that Sonja girl and run her over with a train, he needs respect that Even's with someone and move on. Easy to say; not to do... It's always a little harder when it's your first crush. 

Fifteen long minutes later, the bus finally arrived to his stop. Isak went to leave but a hand was on his wrist, stopping him. ''See you on Friday?'' He looked up and saw Even, a hopeful smile on his face.

Isak said nothing, he freed his wrist and got out of the bus, really confused. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapters are getting longer, woo! Thoughts on what happened in this chapter? Philkas hanging out? Even dropping the bomb? 
> 
> p.s. Don't forget to leave kudos and comments, xx


	6. Chapter five: First times

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to get this up a lot sooner - Monday - but I was so sick and didn't go on my laptop. I was completely drained of energy and that fucking sucks. December has been like this, the bad days overpowered the good ones. I try to focus on things that makes me happy but sometimes, it doesn't always work.

  Lukas's blonde hair shielded his left eye as he searched inside his locker. Philip leaned against his own locker as he watched the other boy. He had to stop himself from biting his lip as Lukas stood straight and ran a hand trough his hair in frustration, unable to find what he was looking for. The action made him look _really_ attraction and Philip was trying to be subtle about it. 

How did he not see Lukas around the school before? 

Ever since he met him in the convenient store's parking, he sees him _everywhere_. In the school yard, by the lockers, in the lunch room and even a couple of his classes. 

Moving to Tivoli and leaving his mom has been hard on Philip. Fake smiles and constant glares have been the brunette's only facial expressions. 

Until he met Lukas. 

Lukas with his motocross, deep blue eyes and shaggy blonde hair. His long, slim legs confined in his riding pants, the huge smile on his face when he gets a new jump perfect for the first time, how he gets so hyped up and excited when he talks about motocross. 

 _Everything_ about Lukas makes Philip's lips twitch up. 

Philip was about to go say 'hi' when a girl with colored skin walked up to Lukas and they talked a little before the blonde closed his locker and left with her. 

The bell rang, making Philip jump at the loud noise. Having his locker by the bell fucking sucks but that's what you get when you switch school in the middle of the year. Philip went in his locker to get his stuff and something fell when he opened the door. He frowned and looked down. It was a small baggie with what looked like small pills inside. He quickly snatched it from the floor, hiding the baggie in his pocket before looking around if anyone saw before rushing to class. 

He bumped into a couple people as he quickly walked to his Biology class. Philip sat in his usual seat in the far back and stared at his desk, trying to not freak out. _No one saw it, no one saw it_ , he repeated himself. 

It was on the floor, someone must've seen it...

And if so, he's gonna be in big trouble. Fuck, fuck, _fuck_.

''Are you okay? You look preoccupied.'' Philip hummed, looking up to see Even sitting next to him. He frowned, giving him a look. ''I've been sitting here for fifteen minutes and you still haven't noticed my presence.''

''Oh.'' 

He should've laughed or at least had some kind of reaction, not said a monotone 'oh'. Even could see Philip wasn't there. His body was in Biology but his mind was elsewhere. He looked tensed and _very_ preoccupied.

''Do you want me to sit elsewhere, or..?'' he asked, knowing sometimes people who wants to be left alone don't have the courage to say it, afraid the other will take it the wrong way.

Philip shook his head. ''You can stay. I just-'' He stopped himself, biting down on his bottom lip in frustration. Even raised an eyebrow as if to tell him to go on but Philip shook his head. ''I don't want to bother you with my problems.'' 

''You're not,'' the blonde promised, making the other boy snicker.

Philip opened his mouth but before he could say anything, their teacher made her entrance, rushing them into the day's program after briefly apologizing for being late.

***

''I need to bang tonight.'' 

''Ugh, me too,'' Jonas added. 

''Any girl in mind?''  

While his friends were talking about tonight's party, Isak was busy watching Even on the other side of the cafeteria. Isak was so out of it. He was leaning on the table, his fist supporting his head.

Even was sitting on the other side of the cafeteria with Philip, looking beautiful as always. His haire were perfectly styled but this time, a stray strand of hair was falling on his forehead, making him look extra...hot?

While it might not be the best adjective, it was the only one Isak could think of because every time he sees Even, his brain melts and becomes jelly. 

  The dark haired boy shrugged. ''Not really.'' Jonas opened his juice bottle, taking a sip before looking at Isak. ''And you?''  

Isak snapped back to reality, stopping his staring party. ''Me? Uh..?''

''Any girl in mind?'' Magnus repeated.

The blonde chewed on his lip. ''N-no.'' His eyes widen when he noticed his stutter and hoped the boys didn't catch on it. 

''I'm sure you'll find someone at the party,'' encouraged Jonas. 

''Who wouldn't want to bang the new kid in this nowhere town. It's rare we get some new material,'' Magnus explained, wiggling his eyebrows in a suggestive way, making Isak laugh.

Jonas opened his juice bottle, taking a large sip. ''Talking about the party, how do we go to Emma's? I don't feel like walking all the way, it's like, an hour walk.''

''I asked my mom, she will drive us to Emma's,'' Magnus said with a proud smile, solving their problem. 

''Your _mom_?'' Jonas grabbed his head in his hands, not knowing if he should laugh or cry. ''What the fuck, Magnus?! You don't ask your parents to drive you to a fucking party. Not _Emma_ 's party.'' 

The blonde looked at Jonas, dumbfounded. ''Why the hell not?'' 

''Mahdi's bringing weed and I got these pills that-''

Wait. Weed? Pills (drugs)? Isak didn't know his new friends were into that kind of thing... They don't look like that type of people though. Magnus and Jonas look like typical teenagers. They're not stoned all the time or talk in incoherent sentences. They don't look like his _mom_. 

Isak thought that leaving his mom would take him away from that kind of people but without knowing, he found himself hanging out with...junkies. 

''Oh? _Oh_! Shit, I didn't think-'' Magnus slapped his forehead, feeling like an idiot. 

''We should bring booze too, just in case.'' 

''How do we get it? I can steal a couple beers from my dad but if I go in his liquor cabinet, he'll know. It's like he keeps a camera in front of the damn cabinet,'' Magnus half-joked.

''Isak? Do you think you can get anything?'' 

The blonde shook his head. He doesn't drink or smoke or do drugs. He's pretty straight. _Straight_. He's definitely not straight; maybe a little bend-y. 

And he's not stealing from Helen and Gabe. They've been so nice to him since he got in Tivoli, stealing their booze wouldn't be fair. 

Then, the subject changed drastically and Isak wished he never heard what Magnus had to say. This boy has no fucking filter. 

''Oh, I need to tell you something. I had a dream last night. Like, an erotic dream-''

''Ugh,''Jonas groaned, scrubbing his face and Isak grimaced. They don't want to hear Magnus's erotic dream...that's a little weird. 

Magnus ignored their reactions and continued. ''I was in my room, and then, Vilde came in by my window and, oh my god, she was wearing that sadomasochist outfit. Leather - or was it vinyl? - and everything. She had a whip too, a fucking _whip_.'' 

''Vilde?'' Jonas repeated, giving him a look. 

Out of all of his friend's weird dream, that's what caught his attention. _Vilde_. 

Vilde is a girl from their grade. She's blonde and very intense. Magnus's talked to her a couple times at parties but he never shared his obsession for her to his friends. Until now.

''Yeah? What's wrong with Vilde?''

''Nothing. That's just really funny. Next time I see her I won't stop thinking about this creepy dreams of yours. Seriously, man, how can you have such weird dreams?'' 

''Don't look at me like that, I can't control my dreams!'' 

***

  After a long day at work, Helen brought pizza for dinner. She was alone with the boys tonight - Gabe being away for the weekend - and didn't feel like cooking. Honestly, when does she? 

''Wanna play board games? I don't work tomorrow so I thought maybe we can have a family night,'' she suggested, wiping her greasy fingers with a paper towel. 

Helen's idea wasn't bad. She just wants to connect with her foster sons, get to know them and board games seemed like a great idea, but...

''I already have plans,'' Philip said, standing from his chair to put his dishes in the sink. 

Helen was taken aback, surprised. It's their first weekend as a family - minus Gabe - and one is already going on his own. '' _Oh_. Okay... Isak?'' 

The blonde gave his foster mom an apologetic look. ''Me too, I'm sorry, Helen. Another time, maybe?'' he said, exiting the kitchen, phone in hands and texting his friends about Emma's party. 

''You going out together? Doing a some brother bonding stuff?'' 

Philip scrunched his nose. ''Not really,'' he replied, grimacing at the idea of going out with Isak. ''I need to get ready, my ride will be there soon.'' 

''Your _ride_?'' Helen repeated, raising an eyebrows and waiting for Philip to explain. 

He sighed and turned to her. ''He has a motocross.''

'' _Motocross_?!'' She was trying to not be judgmental but motocross - or any type of motorcycles - are dangerous. 

''Don't be like that, Lukas has a spare helmet for me. We're safe,'' he promised, easing her worries. 

''I don't know, Philip...'' 

The brunette ignored her and walked off to his room to get ready. He stopped in his track when he saw Isak already in their room, searching trough their shared closet. 

They haven't spoken since Philip's outburst on Wednesday and the atmosphere in the room isn't the greatest. When they go to bed, there's no 'good night' shared or even a mere 'hello' in the morning. Philip doesn't offer to help when he sees Isak having trouble with a homework and Isak doesn't ask what's keeping the older boy up at night when he sees him toss and turn all night. 

Isak wished Philip would apologize. He doesn't need to forgive him for the court thing - Philip can be mad all he wants, he doesn't regret telling the truth - but not talking to him is a little silly and sharing a bedroom when there's tension in the air isn't fun. 

A conflicted look occupied Isak's face, holding two tee shirts in front of himself, debating which on to wear. Hesitantly, Philip approached him, deciding to help. The blonde felt his presence and stepped away a little, giving his brother space. 

''Looking to please someone tonight?'' Philip asked. 

Isak's cheeks went up in shades, giving himself away. ''Kinda,'' he replied, biting the inside of his cheeks. 

A smile appeared on Philip's lips. It's cute to see his little brother like that. In the city, Isak's never shown interest in anyone. A week in small Tivoli and someone already caught his eyes. Maybe moving here didn't bring only negative?

''Wear this one.'' Philip pointed to the white tee shirt that had some design on the front. 

Isak nodded and thanked him, taking off the one he was already wearing to put the white one on. 

Just then, Philip's phone buzzed on the bed. He grabbed it and saw he it was a text from Lukas saying to dress warm which left him a little confused. Where was he taking him? He though they were going to the training tracks again...

Philip slipped on his leather jacket and snapped a picture of himself in the mirror, sending it to Lukas. 

[To: Lukas]

_That alright?_

He didn't get a response from Lukas but the screen said he read his message. The jacket must be alright, if not, he would've said something. 

When he looked up, Isak was looking at himself in the mirror, or, rather  _frowning_ at himself. ''Something wrong?'' Philip asked. 

The blonde shrugged. ''Are you sure this is alright? How am I supposed to impress someone with a white tee shirt. Isn't it a little...boring?'' 

''You don't have to dress to impress, Isak. Liking someone for what they wear is stupid. It's like saying money can buy happiness. It doesn't; you're just _richer_ , not happier.''

***

 

  After tying his shoes, Philip went outside to wait for Lukas. He stood at the end of Helen and Gabe's driveway, knowing Helen would eavesdrop trough the curtains to watch - _examine_ \- Lukas's motocross driving skills. 

It didn't took long for Lukas to pull into his street and stop in front of him. He threw the spare helmet at the brunette. ''Get on, _City Boy_ ,'' he said and Philip had to hide his smile. 

Philip quickly put on the helmet and sat behind Lukas, holding onto his middle, almost having an heart attack when Lukas pulled into the street and sped up.

They drove for an hour, Philip's butt feeling a little sore from sitting on the bike for so long. He hoped they'd get to destination soon. But at the same time, he didn't want the ride to be over because he got to hold onto Lukas and that, he liked that. A _lot_.

Lukas stopped the engine and dropped Philip off when he got to a secluded area, a lot nicer and crazier than the training track behind the blonde house. Here, the jumps are higher and there's a lot more space. From the tracks on the the ground, Philip guesses Lukas comes here often.

Philip watched Lukas doing a few jumps for warm up before pulling out his cellphone and filming him, making sure to get the best shots possible with his shitty camera. 

When it started getting dark, Lukas took them to some cabin in the woods. It was very small and old looking. An old car with cracked windows was parking on the side like it had been smashed with a bat or something. The seat of said car was a few inches away with old, empty beer bottles laying around it. The place was super sketchy and creepy but somehow, Philip wasn't afraid. He knows Lukas won't hurt him.

Lukas forced open the small window and unlocked the door, making it seem like they were breaking in-

''Where are we?'' 

Lukas opened the door, walking in first. ''It's my dad's cabin. But, he doesn't come here anymore.'' Philip glanced around, scrunching his nose at the weird scent inside the cabin. ''There's not much but I think he has beer in the fridge.'' Lukas turned to Philip, ''It's a hunter must have.'' 

Shaking his head, Philip closed the door before carefully sitting on the twin sized bed, afraid it'd break from being so old. It creaked a little but surprisingly it was still holding up.

''I've never filmed those jumps,'' Lukas said. ''They're a lot higher than the one at home, my sponsors will love that.'' He smiled and nodded to himself. ''It's really nice of you to come here and film me. And the videos you take, they're awesome. I got so many views on my last one.'' He paused, turning to the brunette. ''Thanks, Philip. You're amazing. I mean, you're awesome''

A feeling of déjà vu flashed trough Philip's mind. He stared at Lukas, unable to look away as their faces were a few inches appart and Philip could see every details on Lukas's face. He looked down to his lips and back up to his blue eyes and without thinking, he leaned forward to kiss him. Philip felt a hand on his face, slapping him away before their lips could touch. 

''What the hell you doing?'' Lukas said, his voice full of panic and disgust.

 _I ruined everything_ , Philip told himself when he saw the look in Lukas's eyes.  

Philip backed away on the bed, afraid Lukas would hit him again. ''Nothing, I'm not-'' He turned his head away, not daring to look at Lukas after that. He was so embarrassed. Why did he think Lukas could be gay? His cheek stung from the slap. Philip brought a hand to his face, rubbing the sore skin. 

A thick silence filled the cabin and none of the boy dared breaking it. They didn't know what to say. It was really awkward. 

Lukas had his head between his hands, trying to calm himself because, fuck, he just _hit_ Philip and he shouldn't have done that. He panicked. That's what pushed him. 

The brunette now had his back to Lukas, shielding himself from any futur hit. He was pretty shook by the gesture. No one's ever hit him like that. Not a boy he likes, at least.

A few minutes passed before Philip spoke. ''I-I should go-''

The boy stood up but Lukas stopped him. ''Wait, hey, sit down,'' Lukas mumbled. ''Sit down,'' he repeated, pulling on Philip's sleeve. 

Philip sighed and sat back on the bed. Slowly, Lukas scooted over, getting closer until their arms were touching and grabbed a fistful of Philip's jacket sleeve. It was all very slow and hesitant and careful. Lukas lifted his right hand, cradling the other's boy's jaw and pressing his lips on his in a quick kiss. Just a soft peck. 

He pulled away, looking into Philip's eyes and leaning in for another kiss. This time, the brunette inched closer to Lukas, letting himself being kissed, too shocked by the blonde's gentleness to kiss back yet. 

Lukas had Philip very confused. One minute he's hitting him because he tried to kiss him and the second he's voluntarily pressing his lips on Philip's. 

They pulled back and Lukas looked down at Philip's soft face. He caressed his cheek with the hand still on his jaw, bringing the other up to do the same. Philip didn't know what to say so he just stayed there and stared at Lukas. Their eyes met and Philip leaned to press their lips together again. The kiss started slow and gentle but soon quickened its pace.

''Wait, wait,'' Lukas said, stopping them from kissing. ''What if someone sees us?'' he panicked, still not okay with _this_. Kissing guys- a _guy_. Kissing _Philip_.

Philip turned to look outside the window and smirked, turning back to the blonde. ''Like a squirrel?'' he mocked. 

The joke wasn't funny. Not to Lukas, at least. To him, this wasn't okay. Kissing guys wasn't okay. If someone were to know about this, it might get to his father's ears or, the school. God, the school can't know about this, they live in a super homophobic town. It won't be good for his futur career, he might lose possible sponsors and- 

''No one's gonna know about this, because you're _never_ gonna tell them.'' Lukas's blue eyes were looking straight into Philip dark brown ones. He has never been this serious about something before. 

Philip shook his head and attached his lips to Lukas again, going back to where they were before the motocross rider interrupted them.

***

  Isak knew what he was doing was stupid. More than stupid. But, at the time, when he sat in the tub with Jonas, Magnus and another guy he didn't know - Mahdi, he thinks -, it seemed like a brilliant idea. 

''Pass it on,'' Magnus said, stretching his arm in the dark skinned guy's direction. He took a long drag and handed the makeshift bong to Isak. ''Isak?'' 

For the second time tonight - and of his life -, Isak took it and put the bottle to his lips, using a lighter to lit the weed and taking a drag. He leaned back till his head was pressed against the creamy tiles and blew the smoke before passing it to Jonas.

Although smoking was stupid, Isak loved the feeling he got from it. For a short instant, he was able to forget about Even and that, that had no price. The tall blonde occupy his mind all the time. Isak doesn't know what to think of Even. He's confused, _Even_ confuses him. He flirts with him and accept his invitation to Emma's party and the next day, he shatters his hopes and tells Isak he has a girlfriend. He also caught him staring a couple times at school - as if Isak never stares at him too - and when he got down the bus on Thursday, Even grabbed his arm and said he'd be at the party. What? 

As if Isak's life wasn't messy enough, Even _had_ to come in and make it more messy. 

''This is my first ever party,'' Isak told the boys, smiling at the ceiling. ''And, so far, it's fucking awesome.'' 

Beside him, Jonas wrapped an arm around his shoulder. ''The night just started,'' the dark haired boy winked, lowering his frames so Isak could see.

Isak gave him a confused look. ''Wha-''

The bathroom door opened, cutting the blonde mid sentence. They all turned and saw a blonde girl with a bob haircut standing in the doorway, mouth agape.

''Are you fucking kidding me,'' she groaned, seeing there was already people in the bathroom, smoking weed. ''Emma's gonna go nuts when she'll know this. Can't you go do that outside?''

The dark skinned boy glared at her in a 'are you crazy' kind of way. ''And share with everyone? No thanks. If you want some, you have to pay. I'm not handing freebies,'' Mahdi replied, taking a sip of his beer. 

The blonde turned on her heels, about to leave before stopping herself and looking back to the boys. ''Do you have anything else than pot?'' she asked, chewing on her red lipstick coated lips. ''I want something more...intense. More... _fun_?'' 

Mahdi smirked and pointed to Jonas who pulled a small baggie from his jeans's pocket. ''Fun, you said?'' She nodded her head and Jonas gave her a teeny white pill.

''I'll pay you this week. I swear I have money, just, not on me,'' she promised, putting the pill in her mouth before leaving the bathroom. 

Once she was out of sight, the boys all shared a look - except Isak. ''Wow, she was- fuck,'' Mahdi commented, biting down his lip. ''Did you see her?''

''I didn't know Noora was into that. I thought she was anti-drugs,'' Magnus said.

''No, Noora's cool, I saw her with a some guy last week. She definitely had taken something,'' Jonas added, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively. 

Magnus stood from the bath, stepping on Isak's foot on his way out and earning a kick and groan of pain from the latter. ''Well, it's cool hanging with you guys but, that's not how I'm gonna get laid tonight.'' He smoothed his clothes and looked at himself in the mirror. 

''You going to see Vilde?'' Jonas teased and Isak burst laughing, remembering this morning's 'wild dream' with the blonde girl.

Mahdi didn't know if it was the buzzing from the weed they smoked that caused that or Vilde. Must be the first because, what's funny about Vilde? ''You're into Vilde?'' Mahdi questioned, clueless about the reason the other two boys were laughing. 

''No,'' the blonde said, looking at his friend trough the mirror's reflexion.

''Then, why did Jonas say that?'' 

So Magnus had to explain everything to Mahdi and the dark skinned boy immediately regretted asking the question once he knew about the erotic dream. More details were added this time, too which made Magnus's dream even more funny. 

Not long after Magnus left, all the boys left the bathroom to hang out with the others and mostly, find girls. Isak wasn't interested in finding a girl to have sex or mingle so he stayed in the bathroom and played games on his phone. 

Too absorbed into his game, Isak didn't hear the sound of the bathroom door opening or someone coming in. His blown eyes were fixed on the small screen when the door closed but quickly snapped up when the person spoke. 

'' _Holla_.'' 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter was kinda bad, I'll do better next time! Thoughts on Philip staring at Lukas at school? Drugs falling from his locker? Philip helping Isak? Philkas's kiss? The party? Please be nice and leave kudos and comments, xx


	7. Chapter six: Innocent soul

  The familiar voice had Isak looking up from his phone, stopping when meeting Even's blue eyes. ''H-hello?'' 

''Hiding in the bathroom? I thought no one did that anymore.''

''I'm not hiding,'' Isak replied. 

Even raised his eyebrows. ''Really? Why are you sitting in the tub, playing games on your phone, then?'' 

He was caught. His brain was slow because of the weed so it was more difficult to find a quick lie. ''I...'' 

''That's right,'' Even said with a smirk. 

''What are you doing here?'' 

''You invited me, you don't remember?'' 

How could he not remember? That's the same day he told him about Sonja... Even crushed his hopes. That day is engraved in Isak's mind for the rest of his life. ''Erm, yeah but, I didn't think you'd show up.'' 

The blonde crossed the distance between the door and the tub, sitting down on the edge of it. ''I'm here, am I?'' He looked down at Isak, their eyes meeting, blue never quitting- ''You have very interesting eyes,'' Even noted, making the younger blonde arch an eyebrow. What is Even on about? ''I just noticed. Sometimes they're blue and other time, they're like, green. It's really cool.''

''Oh. I don't know? I've never paid attention to that,'' Isak said. It never bothered him before to not know the exact color of his eyes but now that Even brought it up, he really, _really_ wants to know. He wants to know the answer so bad that it's the only thing he can think about for a couple minutes. He's so focused on that that he doesn't hear Even saying his name. 

'' _Isak_?'' 

''Did you say something?'' 

Even chuckled, his eyes crinkling. ''Wanna go outside?'' 

Like a cute, obedient dog, Isak followed Even outside, too infatuated by the blonde to say no. They made their way trough the mass of not so sober teenagers, trying to get to the sliding doors of Emma's backyard. 

A cold air hit them in the face the second they stepped out. Isak scrunched his nose when the wind hit his face, his snapback almost flying off. It was chilly for a November night in New York. From what Isak remember, it wasn't that cold in the city at this time of the year. 

Even sat on a bench outside Emma's house and sat on the top. ''You smoke?'' Even asked. 

Is that what all teens do in Tivoli? Taking drugs and drinking booze on Friday nights. It's a small town and there's literally nothing to do but...really? Isak shrugged and the older boy pulled out a pinner shaped cigarette and lighter out of his pocket. Even took a drag and blew the smoke, handing the joint to Isak who took it without thinking. 

He could still feel the buzz from when he smoked with the boys but, who was he to decline Even's offer? He had the chance to hang out with his crush, why would he to say no? 

Isak sat on the bench beside Even and they shared the cigarette. As they smoked, his mind drift off to various random things like, if they share a cigarette, does that mean he kissed Even? Because, Even's lips touched the tip and so did Isak's. It was a complicated question - just like the eye color one - and Isak really had trouble concentrating at the moment so he tried to stop himself from thinking about this possible kiss. He shouldn't waste his time with Even by thinking about stupid things. 

Plus, it's difficult to fucus when you're under effect of weed. 

''Do you smoke often?'' Isak asked, turning to look at Even. 

The boy shrugged. ''Depends how often is for you,'' he replied with a chuckle. 

That means he must smokes a lot. Or not.

''I had to sneak out to come here, better be worth it.'' After taking a long drag, Even smirked, his eyes staring into Isak's. The latter couldn't help but blush because, fuck, _Even_  is fucking staring at him and that sets butterflies in his stomach.  

They finished the cigarette but stayed outside, not feeling like going back inside where it's too noisy and stuffy. The boys had warned Isak about Emma's party but he didn't that this much people would show up. 

Even's phone went off a couple times under a minute and the noise was starting to annoy Isak so he poke his mind, trying to stay nice. ''I think you should check your phone. Someone definitely wants to reach you.'' 

''It's probably Sonja...'' Even paused, taking his phone out only to turn it off completely. ''We were supposed to go on a date tonight but, I cancelled our plans to come here. She's not happy about it.'' 

Isak's never met Sonja but she probably hates him now. He ruined their date night but, a part of him can't help but be proud of himself because Even chose him over his girlfriend. He cancelled their date to come at this dumb, teenager party. He shouldn't be upset over this.

Looking down at his lap, Isak apologized. ''Sorry.'' 

Even's head snapped up, a frown creasing on his forehead. ''Sorry? What are you sorry for?'' 

''This is all my fault. You cancelled your plans with your girlfriend, she must hates me right now.''

''Don't be sorry, Isak. I _wanted_ to come here,'' he promised, looking into Isak's eyes to show how sincere he was. ''Sonja and I, we're going trough a rough patch...I'm not sad about the date. Actually, I'm having a better time here, with you.'' 

Hearing Even say that warmed Isak's heart. No one's ever said nice things like this to him - nor flirted with him. It's all so new to him that he doesn't even notice what's going on. To Isak, they're just talking but to Even, they're totally flirting. Well, _Even_ 's flirting, Isak's just...there.

***

''How was your night with Lukas?'' Helen asked, making it sound like Philip went on a date with the blonde rider. She didn't meant to come out that way but, it did. For a second, Philip thought Helen was talking about the cabin but then remembered that he didn't say they were going there - he himself didn't know they would go there -  so she can't know what they did in Lukas's dad's cabin. 

''Erm, good? We got some good footage,'' the brunette replied, not quite knowing what to say to his foster mom.  Philip wasn't used to having someone ask about his life or wait for him when he goes out at night. His mum was always too high to stay up and his dad was never around.

Helen stood from the couch. ''I wanted to stay up and wait for your brother too but I work tomorrow. Will you wait for him? Or, at least, make sure he gets home safe.'' 

Is Helen asking him to play babysitter for Isak? He's _fifteen_ , not ten. 

On another hand, it's not like Philip sleeps at night. 

''Yeah, sure.'' 

''Good night, Philip,'' Helen said, flashing Philip a small smile before walking upstairs to get ready for bed.

He nodded at her and went to his room after taking off his shoes, making sure they were lined by the door so no one would trip on them. 

Philip sat on his bed after putting on a pair of black joggers, the soft fabric being a lot more comfortable than jeans. He grabbed his phone from his jacket's pocket and plugged it to his laptop to look at the footage he got of Lukas tonight. The lighting was a little off due to the covered sky but with a little montage and editing, he could make something good out of this. 

A smile crept on his lips when he thought back to the cabin and what happened between them. When he left Helen and Gabe's house after dinner, he didn't think he would make out with Lukas tonight. Still now, it sounds ridiculous. They've knows each other for less than a week and they've already kissed. 

They didn't only kiss but that's between them, right? No one has to know. What happens behind closed doors _stays_ behind closed doors. And, Lukas made it clear that he didn't want Philip to tell. 

Philip heard the front door shut loudly, followed by a giggling Isak. Why does he have to be so loud? It's almost one o'clock, people are sleeping. Standing up, Philip walked to the kitchen, telling Isak to be quiet. The blonde ignored him, his eyes glued to his phone as he typed. 

''Will you shut up and lock the door?'' He continued giggling as he took off his shoes, messily piling them on top of Philip's. The latter groaned because Isak's boots were muddy. Isak rolled his eyes and locked the door, his fingers still typing on his phone's screen.

''You're so annoying.'' Isak brushed past his brother, going straight for the fridge. He opened the fridge and pulled out everything to make cheese toasties, his favorite. 

''What are you doing?'' 

''I'm hungry, can't you see?'' 

Philip rolled his eyes at his sass, not feeling like dealing with him tonight. Isak grabbed a pan from under the stove and started making his cheese toasties. ''It's a little late to cook, don't you think?'' Again, the younger boy ignored him and continued what he was doing, determined to make his damn cheese toasties. ''Isak,'' Philip said in a firm tone. The boy looked up, his eyes meeting his brother's and that's when Philip took notice of his blown irises. ''Are you...stoned?'' Isak didn't need to answer, Philip could smell him from here. While he's never smoked it before, he knows what it smells like and the effects it has, blown irises and munchies being one. ''Yeah, you are.'' 

Isak giggled at the accusation but his big brother wasn't having it. Philip snatched his phone from his hands, stopping him from texting whoever it was. ''Hey!'' 

''I though the thing you hates the most about mom was her drug use. I can't believe you did this, Isak.'' Shaking his head, Philip put the device on the counter before going back to his room without looking at Isak. 

He wasn't mad at Isak because he smoked, a lot of teenagers smoke. What he didn't like was that for so long he criticized his mother's habits and lifestyle, claiming he didn't want to live in an environment where drugs were so casually used but tonight, he went right against his own words. He told the judge that their mom's addiction was problematic and that it wasn't a good lifestyle for raising kids but he did the same damn thing. He took drugs - not as strong as what Anne takes but it's still drugs. 

A part of him wanted to go to Helen's bedroom and tell her that Isak was stoned but decided not to. He doesn't need to bother her with that, he can deal with Isak on his own. That's what he always did back in the city. Philip was the parent, not Anne. He cooked, brought money home and even cleaned. Sometimes, she would help but, he did the most.

The floor creaked as Isak walked in but Philip kept his back to him. Isak tried to get his attention but after a couple tried, he sighed and ate in silence on his bed, guilt slowly filling his guts.

***

''Is you dad coming home soon?'' 

Shaking his head, Lukas pressed a light kiss to the brunette's lips. ''I don't think so. He said he'd be gone all day.''

Philip raised an eyebrow. ''All day, uh?'' 

Lukas grinned with a hum, pulling Philip closer and joining their lips together. They've been kissing since Philip got there and haven't been able to keep their hands off each other. Warm hands on bare skin and pulling at hair, skin rubbing and lips touching.

It's weird for Lukas to touch and kiss Philip but, it's weirder to _want_ to touch and kiss Philip.  What would his father say if he saw him kissing another boy? Oh shit, he probably doesn't want to think about that. Bo is really homophobic, he would never tolerate to have a gay son. Except, Lukas _not_ gay. 

Or, that's what he tells himself.

Lukas paused their kissing, catching his breath. ''I'm not gay, Philip.'' 

Philip rolled his eyes. ''Whatever helps you sleep at night.'' 

''I like girls, I have a _girlfriend_.''

Philip snorted. ''A girlfriend?'' Lukas nodded. ''What would said girlfriend say if she saw you like this. Kissing me, touching me and pulling me close. You know I'm a guy, right, Lukas? Of course you know, you gave me a handjob at the cabin last night. That's not really straight, is it?''

He wouldn't say Lukas was a pro at giving handjobs - he was nervous so his actions were a little clumsy - but who is Philip to judge anyway. He did come all over Lukas's riding pants and that may or may not have made a nasty stain.

Panic ran trough his face. ''Y-you're not gonna tell her, are you?'' he asked, lips tight and his eyes full or fear.  ''I...I love Rose.''

He should tell her. Philip would like to see her reaction when he announce her Lukas sucked his dick at his dad's cabin on Friday night...but he won't. Not because he supports what he did. Lukas cheated on Rose and she deserves to know what an asshole he is for going behind her back like that. He's not gonna out Lukas though.  At his old school, a douche outed him to everyone without his consent and he lived a fucking nightmare. Gays and high school doesn't go together. Lukas doesn't need to go trough that. 

''No.''

A relived sigh left the blonde's lips. ''Thank yo-'' 

''Don't. Don't thank me, I'm not doing this for the reason you think. I'm not saving your ass, Lukas.'' 

 _I'm protecting you_ , he wanted to say.

''I like _this_ , it's feels good, I feel good when I'm with you, but...'' Lukas trailed, unable to look at Philip. ''No one wants me to be that guy.'' 

It was difficult to admit this out loud. It took Lukas a lot of courage in him and a part of Philip was proud of him for voicing how he feels, it's a good start.

''But what if you are?'' 

Lukas stayed silent. He didn't know what to say. Philip's question triggered a lot of thoughts in his head. _What about Rose? He loves her, he can't be gay. Gays can't love girls, right? Does he like Philip? What will his dad say? Their relationship is already on the edge, will he disown him? It sounds a little extreme but he's seen that in tv shows. What about his sponsors? Will this be the end of his career? Not that it has started... What about his friends at school? Will people hate him? Will-_

Philip straightened his clothes, about to stand but Lukas grabbed his arm just like he did at the cabin except this time, Philip won't stay. ''Where are you going?'' Lukas asked, panic covering his face, his voice a little scratching and weak. 

Philip wishes he could help him right now but he can't. He needs to do this on his own, he needs to clear his mind and _think_. ''I think you need some time by yourself, Lukas. To...to think about this all.'' Philip squeezed the blonde thigh before leaving, giving him a tight smile. ''I'll see you.''

***

  Waking up on Saturday was hard for Isak. He was so tired and his stomach ached because of the four cheese toasties he ate before bed. Yes, _four_. He doesn't know how he managed to eat so many - probably the munchies. Just thinking about it makes him sick to his stomach. 

He rubbed his eyes, trying to keep them open as he reached for his phone, groaning when the bright light of the screen blinded him. Once his eyes had recovered, he saw he had a few texts from Even. They exchanged numbers last night and have been texting ever since they left Emma's place. If Isak wouldn't have fell asleep with his face in his plate, they would probably still be texting right now.

[From: Even]

_I'm eating cheese toasties too! I became a master at cooking cheese toasties, they're SO good!! I could eat a hundred right now..._

[From: Even]  

_Isak?_

[From: Even] _  
_

_You still there?_

[From: Even] 

_Are you asleep? You probably are..._

[From: Even]

_I had a good time with you last night, you're cool for a fifteen years old. We should do that again sometime!_

Isak had to bite his fist to keep himself from squealing as he read Even's texts. He can,t wrap his finger around the idea that his crush wants to hang out with him again. 

They went from strainers to bus buddies to friends in only a week. If thinks keep going this good, maybe they'll make the next jump before the month's over - no, Isak doesn't mean _best friends_. He wouldn't mind being Even's best friend but, he'd prefer to be his _boyfriend_. It's still weird for Isak to think like that about guys. To think about boys the way he should think about girls. 

[To: Even]

_Yeah, sorry. I was really tired apparently...I slept with my face in my plate, haha. Let me know when you want to hang out!_

Isak put his phone back on his nightstand and sat up, noticing Philip was already gone. He didn't hear him leave but figured it was better this way. After last night, he doubts Philip wants to talk to him. 

Stretching his arms over his head, Isak stood up, only now realizing he slept in his jeans and tee shirt... He usually find it very uncomfortable to sleep in jeans but he was so tired that slept with his face in his plate so, how could he have thought of changing clothes? 

Taking the empty plate in his hand, Isak took it to the kitchen, dropping it in the sink. He should rinse it but he never rinses his dishes. There's no point rinsing it if you're gonna wash it anyway. He turned to go back to his room when his eyes caught the clock in the kitchen, saying it was almost five o'clock. 

Isak laughed. He slept _all_ day? How is he still tired? He's never going to a party again. 

Wait, that means- _shit._  Helen will be home soon. Like, very soon. He must shower before she arrives because if Philip was able to smell the pot on him, Helen will too and he can't let that happen. She's a _cop_ \- and a _parent_ -, he doubt she'll let it slide. He knows for a fact that his mom wouldn't have cared. She would've probably smoked with him. 

But Helen is not Anne so he better scrub well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry the ending is shitty, I didn't want to add too much and break the plan I made for the next chapter. Thought on Evak hanging out at the party? Philip being mad at Isak for smoking pot? Don't forget to leave kudos and comments, I love reading you al, xx


	8. Chapter seven: The other me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I meant to upload this sooner but my work was on Wattpad and the website wasn't working for some reasons... ugh, I never learn! I was a little disappointed with the last of feedback I got on last chapter. I work really hard of this and it sucks when the reads/kudos/comments drops so drastically. Have I done something wrong?
> 
> p.s A scene had been deleted when I posted the previous chapter, it's quite important so, please re-read it. 
> 
> p.p.s Happy New Year everyone!! xx

  No one expected this. Not even Lukas or Philip. It was all so...sudden.

On Monday, Philip decided to go speak to Lukas. They haven't talked since Saturday and Philip wants to know how things are, if he cleared his head up. Little did he know, the blonde didn't want to be seen with his at school. Like, at all. 

His first try was in the morning, before class started. Philip went to his locker and waited for him. Lukas flashed him a small smile when he saw the brunette but when some dark skinned girl - Rose, he suppose - showed up, Lukas's behavior changed. He wasn't the nice boy who took him for a ride on his motocross or kissed him at his dad's cabin. No. This Lukas was...different.

''Lukas, hey-''

''Get away from me!'' The girl chuckled and took Lukas's hand before walking away together. ''I swear, he's obsessed with me,'' he told Rose. 

Well, this looks like Lukas doesn't want to be seen with him. It'S okay. Philip understands, no one ever wants to be seen with him. Except Even who was only kind and accepting toward him since he started at Red Hook. 

Philip rolled his eyes at Lukas's behavior and decided to try again later. Maybe if Lukas's alone, he won't put an act.

Lunch came and Philip saw Lukas standing from his table and leaving the lunch room. It was the perfect time. He followed him out of the cafeteria and to the lockers. 

''Lukas-'' 

Philip didn't have time to put a complete sentence that the motocross rider spun on his heels and cut him off. ''Are you fucking deaf? Stop stalking me!'' Lukas yelled at him, his body moving before his brain could react and that's only after it happened that he realized what he'd done.

Lukas's eyes widen in shock. Fuck, he hit Philip, again. He pushed him so hard that he fell on the floor. Panicked, Lukas bent down to help him but remembered they were at school and that people must be watching the scene so he punched Philip as if it was the most logical thing to do.

After that, it was all a blur for Lukas. He was so freaked out. Philip was there, laying on the floor with blood slipping from his nose. Did he knock him out? He hopes not because if Philip gets a concussion because of him he'll never forgive himself-

''Waldenbeck, in my office, _now_ ,'' the principal said, arriving on the scene after a teacher saw the 'fight'.

He opened his mouth to speak but nothing came out. Lukas stood from the floor and followed the man to his office, passing trough the mass of students that had gathered around the scene in the hallway. 

Philip sat up and winced, his jaw throbbing from the hit. He felt something wet on his face and used his sleeve to wipe it, groaning when seeing it was blood. Ugh, great, it's stained now... at least the fabric is dark? A teacher helped him up and cleared the hallway, making everyone go to class as the bell had just rang. 

Sitting on the small bed in the nurse's office, a handful of tissues under his bleeding nose, Philip's mind drifted to Lukas. What's going to happen to him? Will there be consequences?

As if she read his mind, the nurse answered his question. ''Mr Waldenbeck is in the office, he should be suspended.''

''Suspended?'' Philip repeated, shocked by his punishment. ''Lukas doesn't have to be suspended-'' 

''That's the procedure, Mr Shea. He had a violent behavior on the school's ground, that's against the school's rules,'' the woman explained.

''That's a little intense.'' 

She shrugged and started filling a paper so Philip could leave after being checked. Gabe had to come get him from school after he was out of the nurse's office. He told her he could walk home but she refused, claiming she _had_ to call his parents to which Philip groaned because he didn't want Gabe or Helen to know about what happened with Lukas. 

When he sat in the truck, his nose had stopped bleeding and his jaw was still a little sore but he was fine. He buckled his seat-belt just as his phone buzzed in his pocket. It's Lukas. 

[From: Lukas] 

_I didn't mean to hit you..._ _I don't know what got onto me, it was an accident._

He turned off his phone, putting it back in his pocket with a sigh. 

It was hard to believe that what Lukas did was an accident. Any witnesses could tell it wasn't an accident. Lukas yelled at him before shoving and hitting him, he was _angry_. Sometimes, your emotions takes control of your body and do things you without your mental consent.

 _Maybe that's what happened?_ Philip tried to convince himself. 

Pressing his head against the window, Philip watched the road as Gabe drove. There isn't much to see in Tivoli other than grass, trees and mud. It's quite boring.  

After a few minutes driving and staring at rows of trees, the truck pulled into a parking and stopped. The teenager knitted his eyebrows together when noticing they were at the police station. 

''What are we doing here?'' he asked, a sly panic rising in him. ''We're not telling Helen about...this. You promised to not say anything.''

Gabe shook his head, giving Philip a reassuring smile. ''I have to pick up something from Helen's office.'' 

''Oh. I'll just wait here then-'' 

Too late. 

Helen must've seen her husband's truck in the parking because she came outside to greet him and frowned when her eyes landed on Philip. Gabe turned to him with an apologetic smile as the brunette groaned. 

There's no way she won't ask question now, uh.

''Philip? Shouldn't you be at school?'' Helen questioned, waiting for him to get out of the car.

He reluctantly unbuckled his seat-belt and opened his door. ''Erm, yeah but, there was a little hitch at school...''

''A little hitch? What do you mean?''

''I don't want to talk about it, okay.'' 

''No. You need to tell me what happened-''

'' _Helen_ ,'' Gabe stepped in. ''Where is this thing you wanted me to bring home?''

''Oh, right! It's in my office, come in,'' she replied, motioning for Gabe and Philip to follow her. 

Philip made a note to thank Gabe later for that. If Helen were to know about Lukas, he's afraid she'd do something extreme like going to his house. Lukas's already suspended, he doesn't need more trouble. 

***

''There was a fight at lunch. Did you hear?'' Magnus informed Isak as they were packing their bags after their last period. 

Isak shook his head. ''No.''

''Lukas, a last year, punched a guy. I think his name's Philip or something. I heard it from Vilde-''

Isak froze when Magnus mentioned the name. He said Philip was the guy's name, is he talking about his brother? Philip never talked about a Lukas but, again, they don't have the best sibling relationship. Is he okay? 

Zipping up his bag and grabbing his jacket, Isak closed his locker, not caring if he got all his books or not in his bag. If Philip is hurt, he needs to see him. ''I have to go.'' 

Magnus nodded. ''Okay. See you tomorrow.'' 

Running in the school's hall, Isak looked for his brother. He checked the bathroom, classrooms and even went to his locker but Philip was nowhere to be seen which had the young boy's heard beating fast in his chest. Maybe they had to get him top the hospital? Maybe-

Isak's thought were cut of as he collided with someone. 

'' _Hello_.'' 

Looking up, his eyes met Even's familiar blue ones. Like always,his hair were perfectly styled in a messy up-do with a Danny Zuko vibe. On any other occasion, he would've been happy to see him but right now, all Isak wants is to find Philip and see if he's okay. 

''Even. I can't talk right now, I need to- Have you seen my brother, he's in Biology with you. I really need to find him-''

Sensing the panic in Isak's voice, Even used a soothing tone. ''I think you should slow down, Isak.'' 

He wasn't listening. All he could think about was finding Philip. ''What? Look, I'd love to chat with you but I need to-''

'' _Isak._ '' Even took his wrist, catching the younger boy's attention. Isak slowly looked up, locking their eyes together, focusing on the clear blue of Even't irises, calming down a little. ''Breathe.'' 

He nodded and once his breathing was back to normal, he explained to Even the reason of his race trough the school's hall. 

''I'll help you find your brother. Did you try texting or call him?'' Isak snorted and shook his head as if it was the most ridiculous idea. ''Why not?''

''Well, you see, he and I got into a fight so...'' he explained, scratching the back of his head.

''Still, I'd try. Just, tell him you're worried and wants to know if he's okay. Even if you two got into a fight, I'm sure he wouldn't want you to be worried.'' Isak nodded, his teeth gnawing into his bottom lip. ''And, if he doesn't reply, he's an asshole.'' 

A light chuckle left Isak's lips. ''So, I'll text him now?'' The blonde fetched his phone from his pocket, typing a quick message to Philip. 

''Now, come on, we'll miss the bus.'' 

Without any further thoughts, Isak let himself being pulled by Even outside the school and to the bus stop. 

***

  Arguments are a lot more frequent in the Torrance/Caldwell household since the two foster boys moved in and tonight was no exception. It's like they're cursed. They can't go a day without arguing. Sometimes it's over stupid things like who didn't rince his plate - thinking about you, Isak - or more serious things like Anne Shea and the trial.

Tonight, to make a change, _everyone_ got involved.

''He _hit_ you?! Philip, that's an assault, I'm sure there's something I could do about this-'' 

Philip snorted, shaking his head before lifting his eyes to look at his foster mom. ''See, that's why I didn't want to tell you and called _Gabe_ to pick me up.'' 

Helen turned to Gabe, eyes filled with betrayal. ''You knew and kept this from me? I thought we were raising these boys together...'' 

''I promised Philip-'' 

''You should've told me! I deserves to know when something like this happens. What if Philip had gotten seriously injured? You would've let the hospital announce me Philip had been administered and had gotten into a fight at school?'' 

''It was _not_ a fight. It was just a misunderstanding, there's nothing to worry about.''

''Really? Because that's not what I hear-'' Philip glared at Isak and the blonde got the message and stopped talking.  

''Of course not,'' the man assured her. ''It was nothing serious, Helen. Philip got checked by the school's nurse before I got there, he's fine.''

Despite Gabe's effort to reassure her, the sheriff - and mom in the making - in her was not having it. The boy she has been assigned got physically injured and no one told her. This is _not_ okay. ''That's not how it works, Gabe. We're in this together. You can't keep things like that from me.''

''Things like that? It was nothing, Philip barely have any injuries besides a bleeding nose-''

''He could have a concussion for all you know,'' she pointed.

Gabe chuckled, trying to not lose it at Helen's idiocy. ''In case you forgot, I'm a doctor, I would know if Philip had symptoms of concussion.''

''Oh, really? Because you checked him yourself?! You didn't! I bet that you went on your stupid boat instead of staying by your foster son's side to check on him.'' 

''He's seventeen, Helen, he doesn't need twenty-four seven supervision! And again, he doesn't have a concussion,'' he repeated for the second time but Helen remained stubborn. 

She shook her head, standing from the table. Her clear eyes were looking at Gabe as she said the following words, ''I thought fostering teenagers would be a great addition to our life but, I-I'm starting to doubt this whole foster parenting thing is going to work.'' 

Gabe stood too, trying to stop her. ''Helen...'' It was too late, she was leaving and not turning back to listen to whatever he had to say. Gabe sighed, rubbing his face with his hands in frustration before going after his wife. 

Isak and Philip were left in the kitchen, a, now, cold plate of pastas in front of them. The younger boy tried to eat but it was just gross now so he put his fork back in his plate and bite his lip, looking down. In front of him, Philip was holding his rubbing jaw, probably still sensitive after the hit.

''Are you okay?'' Isak asked, breaking the silence. 

''Yes, Isak. Fucking hell, will you all stop worrying about me, I'm _fine_.'' 

Just like Helen, Philip stood and went to his room. They aren't blood related but they sure do have a similar temperament, Isak couldn't help but notice. 

Philip sat on his bed, not knowing why he went there in the first place other than being annoyed by everyone's worrying. Why does no one believes him when he says he's fine? They're not the one who got hit, _he_ is. Lukas's fist didn't collide with their jaw...

From his room, you could hear Helen and Gabe arguing upstairs. They were trying to keep it down so the kids wouldn't hear but it wasn't working. The walls here are pretty thin so, why try? 

Although he hurt him, Philip couldn't help but think about Lukas, again. When his face comes in his head, he smiles because Lukas is the key to freedom. When he's with him, he forgets that his life is so shitty and surprises himself actually having fun. Anyone who saw them at lunch would think he's mad for still having feelings for him but, love isn't something you can control. Not that he loves Lukas, it's just a way of talking. He do likes him though. 

As he laid in his bed, Philip read Lukas's text over and over until his eyes burned from staring at the small screen for too long.

_I didn't mean to hit you..._ _I don't know what got onto me, it was an accident._

***

  They could've taken the bus to school but Helen insisted to drive them despite her shift only starting at ten. Philip bet this was an excuse to not have to see Gabe in the morning. They fought all night upstairs and Gabe even went as far as sleeping on the couch, he saw him when he went to the bathroom at two o'clock. 

A part of him feels bad because it's a little bit his fault they're fighting. If he hadn't ask Gabe to keep the secret about Lukas, there would be no arguing between the couple. 

A light bruise had formed on his jaw, catching people's attention as he walked in the hallway at school. Some where whispering about him too but, it's not like Philip cared. They can gossip all they wants. Lukas hit him, people saw, that's it. They can interpret it how they want, Philip _knows_ Lukas didn't meant to hit him.

''I heard what happened yesterday,'' Even said during Biology. They were working on a team sheet-work today so the teacher wouldn't scold them for talking in class. ''I hope he gets _expelled_.'' 

Expelled? It's worst than getting suspended. A little too extreme, even. People gets expelled for dealing drugs on school grounds or bringing a gun to school. Not for a small fight.

Philip shook his head, chuckling lightly. ''Why are you all being so dramatic about this? It was an _accident_.'' 

Even gave him a look, raising his eyebrows. ''Really? I doubt his fist accidentally collided with your face, it's a very,  _very_ rare scenario.'' 

As tempting as it was to roll his eyes Philip didn't. He looked down at the sheet-work and read the next question. He knows if they don't finish it in class, they'll have to take it home so they better work their brain off because Philip doesn't want more homework.

''Question five-''

''Was this the firs time? Did he say things to you before? Or, like, pushed you in lockers or something? If so, he's a bully,'' Even pointed, looking out for his friend. 

The brunette gave his classmate an annoyed look. ''Lukas's _not_ like that,'' he insisted. ''Now, back to work.''

The rest of the day went alright. He was the talk of the school today but, it'll wear off soon, right? Philip didn't try talking to Lukas at lunch or even attempted to look his way when they switched class or at his locker. 

School was a _red_ zone when it comes to interact with Lukas. He made it clear. 

After school, Philip was waiting on the sidewalk for Helen to pick him up. The school yard was clearing up but still pretty crowded. He could see Lukas's bike parked on the side which meant he hasn't left yet. A small smile spread on his lips. Maybe he can talk to Lukas if the yard clears up enough?

Looks like it won't happen becuase just then, he saw the blonde get down the stairs with the same brunette girl as yesterday and another blonde girl. Lukas and Rose were holding hands as she chatted to her girl friend.

Suddenly, Philip didn't like Rose. Not because she's dating Lukas - okay, a little bit of that too - but mainly because she ruined his chance to talk to him. Now that she's here, there's no way Lukas will accept talking to him. 

They walked to the fence and it only took a second for Rose had to catch him looking at Lukas. Just his luck! 

She nodded at him and Lukas turned, his jaw clenching as he saw Philip. ''Stop stalking me!'' he said in an angry tone, almost making Philip flinch. 

 If it weren't from his eyes's betrayal, Philip would've thought Lukas really wanted him to go away but the way his blue eyes were looking at him, apologetic and soft, told him the opposite.  Lukas really needs to get his shit together and not let his eyes betray him or, he'll get caught.  

Crossing his arms, Philip looked away, keeping his eyes on the ground, not wanting to create a big scene. Yesterday created enough attention on him, as if he didn't have enough already. Who knew having a junkie for mother and being a foster kid would get him attention...

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the lack of visuals on this chapter, I couldn't find what I was looking for most of the time...
> 
> Thoughts on Lukas hitting Philip? Isak being worried? Helen and Gabe fighting? Even looking out for his friend? Lukas being an asshole to Philip?


	9. Chapter eight: Unexpected visitors

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was so happy with all the feedback I got on last chapter that I decided to update again today. Woo!! This chapter is a little short but, there's nothing to add, really. 
> 
> Keep on with the good feedback, guys, it's really helpful!

[From: Lukas]

_Can you come film me this afternoon? I haven't put anything up since the weekend and I wouldn't want my followers to drop._

[From: Lukas]

_Are you still made at me? I understand if you are but, you have to understand, I didn't have the choice, Philip._

Philip snorted and rolled his eyes at Lukas's texts. How can someone be so selfish? He hit him and made him pass for a stalker at school and all he thinks about is his number of followers dropping? 

Unbelievable...

Putting his phone back on his nightstand, Philip stood and got ready for school. He knows Lukas will see that he read his texts but he won't reply. He promised himself he wouldn't. Not now, at least. Lukas needs to understand that he really hurt him. Not only physically but, inside too. Philip might have thick skin but it doesn't mean nothing can get to him. 

''Are you ready? Helen is dropping us again today,'' Isak said, standing in the doorway with his jacket on and shoes in one hand. 

Nodding at him, the brunette grabbed his bag and headed out, leaving his phone at home so he wouldn't be tempted to reply to Lukas at school in case he has a moment of weakness.

Helen stop her jeep in front of the school and when Philip moved to open the door, she stopped him. ''Philip, stay. I'd like to have a little chat with you.'' 

''A little chat? Great...'' he grumbled under his breath, sitting back. 

''Why did you keep what happened at school from me? I know I need to be patient but it makes me sad that you don't want to tell me things. _Ever_. You always keep me away from your life. I know my job can be a little intimidating - I carry guns and stuff on me - and I understand if that's why you didn't want to tell me because you were afraid of my reaction.'' 

''I knew you'd overreact and want to press charges, that's why I called Gabe and not you.''

''Gabe shouldn't have kept it from me either. It was wrong of him to do that.''

Philip turned to Helen and decided to tell her a piece of his mind. It's not fair that she can corner him all the time but not him. ''I heard you the other day. And I know you're driving Isak and I to school just to not see him in the morning which is, in my opinion, really immature.''

''Philip, I'm sorry you had to hear this-'' 

''You and Gabe better work this shit out because Isak and I aren't little dolls you can give away when you don't want them anymore. Starting over in a new city where you know no one is really tough.'' 

Before Helen could say anything else, Philip left the car, slamming the door behind him, leaving the sheriff shocked and speechless. 

***

  How did he get here? That's the exact question that's pounding in Isak's head since he walked inside Even's house. How did he get Even to invite him over? 

_Isak was working on his math homework at the school's library when Even came up to his table and asked what he was doing. He explained that he was working on this big homework and still couldn't understand a thing. ''Math's hard, it's all.''_

_''I could help you with that, if you'd like. I'm excellent at Math. I almost got the Fields medal last year.''_

_Isak glanced at Even with a confused look, eyebrows pulled into a frown._

_''The Fields medal. It's like, the Nobel prize for Mathematics,'' he explained, taking a seat in front of him. ''So, do you want my help?'' Even pressed, lifting in eyebrows the way only he does._

 ''Hello?'' Even called into the house. No answers. ''I guess we have the house to ourselves,'' he said, wiggling his eyebrows in a suggestive way before laughing. They took off their shoes and Isak followed Even inside. ''Let's go to my room. The kitchen is a little messy; my mom would scold me if I were to bring a friend in there,'' Even explained with a small laugh, leading the way Isak trough the hallway, stopping when they reached the end and pushing open the last door. 

Even's room was...interesting? It didn't look like a typical teenager bedroom - at least, not from Isak's experience. A wooden loft bed was place on the wall, the end facing the large window and a closet on the other side. There was no desk or sitting area or mess on the floor. The room was so clean and _very_ unlike Isak's. If you asks Philip, he'll say Isak's side of the room ressemble a pigsty and that his bed smells like feet and seat. How lovely? 

A few drawings were taped on the closet doors which Isak couldn't help but look at. They weren't portraits or anything mind-blowing but Isak liked the funny cartoons. Some quotes were placed here and there too, making the doors look like a crafty pin-board. ''Did you draw these?'' he asked, pointing to the drawings.

The tall blonde put his bag in the corner and looked up with a grin on his face. ''Yeah.'' 

''They're cool. I can't draw shit,'' Isak said with amusement. He's bad at art, it's not his fault. Better laugh about it than cry.

Even took off his denim jacket, leaving it on the bean bag on the floor where a lot of his jackets were already. There's no point putting them in your closet when you have to wear one everyday. 

''Where should we start?'' Isak asked, setting his bag on the floor and pulling out his Math textbook, loose sheet of papers poking from every sides. Maybe Philip was right, he _is_ messy. ''I don't understand shit, this whole algebra thing is making me want to blow my head off.'' 

Even stepped closer to Isak and nudged the younger boy, holding a small tupperware in his hand. ''Wanna smoke?'' 

Last time he smoked, he got shit from his brother and almost got caught by Helen. He showered _just_ in time. 

After lunch, he texted her saying he was going to a friend's house after school to get help with Maths - what he _thought_ they'd be doing - so if she knows he smoked pot, he'll never be allowed to study at his friends's. The right thing to do would be to say no and open his books but before he knew it, he had the joint between his lips.

Isak hummed. ''This is nice.'' He blew the smoke out the window so the smell wouldn't linger in Even's bedroom.  

''It's relaxing. That's why I do it, it makes me feel good, like... _really_ good,'' Even explained, taking his turn.  

''I better work super hard tomorrow morning if I want to get this damn homework done. If the school calls Helen because I didn't do my homework, she'll get suspicious.'' 

''Why? We're still doing Maths, I'll help you.'' 

Isak raised an eyebrow. ''What? But, we just smoked pot-''

Even chuckled, his eyes crinkling and making Isak weak in the knees because, fuck, he's so cute when he does that and to Isak, Even's smile is like, the eighth Wonder of the world. ''Weed doesn't turn off your brain, Isak. It just relaxes you, well, that's what it does to me,'' Even explained, putting the finished joint in the small glass.

''Oh. I'm really new to this, I didn't know.'' 

Isak felt stupid for not know that. Why did he have to make a fool of himself in front of his crush? He can't do math or draw for shit _and_ he doesn't know a thing about weed. Even must think he's stupid.

He shrugged and stood up from the window seat. ''It's okay. Now, Maths!'' 

What the hell was he thinking when he accepted help from Even? It's not that Even is a bad teacher, he's good. It's just that Isak cannot concentrates on the subject. They're doing Maths, not _anatomy_... They've been sitting on the floor for an hour now and the only Maths Isak has done is counting the number of freckles on Even's body - only the visible parts...although he'd love to count _every_ single ones. 

It's surprising that the older boy hasn't give up on him. Isak's pretty helpless when it comes to Maths. And, algebra is a bitch!

''This one's easy. All you have to do is subtract X and 100 to find Y.''

''X? What is X? How can I subtract a letter?''

''Here.'' Even moved closer so he could point better in the textbook. Their arms were almost touching and Isak had to remember to stay cool. ''To find X, you need to-''

The doorbell rang, interrupting them from their Math tutoring. 

Even stood, going to answer the door. ''Must be my mom, she _always_ forgets her keys-'' He stopped himself when saw who was on the other side. ''Sonja?''

She walked in and took off her coat and shoes. ''I got Emily to replace me at the café. She took my five to closure shift so I could come over tonight. I would've came sooner but I had to stop at my mom's before, who, by the way, says that she misses you,'' the girl said, smiling brightly at Even but the latter didn't return the smile, still surprised by her presence.  

The surprise look on his face was priceless. He quickly covered it up and smiled fakely at her, hoping she wouldn't notice. He should be happy to see his girlfriend but last time they saw each other, they had a little argument.

''That's nice of her.''

Sonja nodded and captured Even's lips with her own, her hand coming up to his jaw and moving to the back of his neck to deepen the kiss. 

The second Isak peeked to see who was there, he regretted it because Even was kissing some girl - Sonja, he assumed because it would be weird if Even was making out with his mom. Can you imagine? 

Isak had to look away. This is a _lot_ more painful that he thought. He knew it would hurt but not like this. 

Eventually, they pulled away from the kiss and started talking again so Isak peeked again. He was just curious, okay? 

''You should've called...'' Even said.

''Why? You're not happy to see me?'' 

He shook his head. ''It's not that... It's just, I already have a friend over.'' 

''Oh, I'm sure we'll get along, I love meeting your friends,'' Sonja said excitedly, walking trough the house like it was her own. 

***

  A little past seven, someone rang the Waldenbeck's doorbell. Lukas and his dad shared a look, asking if they were waiting for someone but neither were so Bo stood and answered the door. He was a little surprised to see his old friend, Gabe Caldwell, standing on his porch.

''Gabe? What are you doing here?'' 

''May I speak with your son for a moment?'' 

Bo frowned. ''Lukas?''

''Yeah, it...erm, it's quite important.'' 

''He's in the kitchen, we just finished eating dinner.'' 

Gabe nodded and walked inside the Waldenbeck's house, following Bo to the kitchen.

''Hi, Dr Caldwell, you came to watch the game with my dad?'' 

He knows his dad doesn't watch the game but he didn't see any other reasons why Dr Caldwell would ring their doorbell at seven o'clock on Thursday night.

''The game? No. No, Lukas, I-'' The man stopped himself, shaking his head at Lukas's question. ''Philip told me you two have been hanging out lately.''

 _Right, Gabe is Philip's foster dad_. Panic rose inside Lukas. His heart started pounding at a increasingly rapid pace. _He knows I hit Philip, he's here for that_ , Lukas thought, gulping thickly.

''Y-yeah...'' he replied, hesitant.

''Lukas, I need you to be completely honest with me,'' Gabe added with a warning glare. 

''Yes, sir. We've hung out a couple times.'' 

''Did you hung out with him today? Did he talk to you about something-''

''Philip films videos for my channel, that's _it_.'' 

Gabe sighed, looking at Lukas in the eyes. ''Philip's missing.'' 

 _Philip's missing_. _Philip's missing_. _Philip's missing_. The words echoed in the blonde's head over and over. 

After Gabe left, Lukas rushed to his room, looking for his phone and called Philip. He didn't have to think twice, he just _called_. Lukas bite his lip as he waited for Philip to pick up. But he didn't. It went straight to voicemail which means his phone is dead or, he completely turned it off.

Philip doesn't know his way around Tivoli very well, he can't be too far. Helen and Gabe will find him soon. 

But, Gabe wouldn't have come all the way here to question him if he wasn't so worried. By the way he was looking at Lukas, he knew about the fight and just wanted to yell at him for hurting his boy but remained calm and civilized because said boy was _missing_.

Now that he thinks about it, Philip wasn't at school today. Lukas didn't see him in the halls or at his locker. He thought he was sick or had an appointment or something so he didn't question his absence but, maybe he should've. 

The guilt that had been settling inside Lukas suddenly feels tighter. He's been really shitty to him over the past couple days. He hit and yelled at him and humiliated him. Philip didn't deserves this. Philip has only been nice to him. He's one of the nicest - and most attractive -person he knows. He filmed his videos, kept Lukas's recent attraction to guys a secret and didn't out him to his girlfriend. 

Fuck, he really needs to make it up to him...

But, _how_? 

Lukas sat on his bed and fidgeted with his phone, trying to think of something. He needs to apologize, he knows but apologizing it tough when you've never done it. Growing up, Lukas never had to apologize. His actions were always justified or approved by at lest one person. He was never told for being wrong. At home, he never had to argue with his dad because he was scared of him. He still is. That's why he always does what Bo asks. Train for your next event. Work on that jump. Fix your bike. Work on your techniques instead of partying. Motocross first, girlfriend after. 

Since his mom died, Lukas has always been scared to contradict his dad. When she was still alive, she would take his side and vice versa; they had each other's back. She wasn't afraid to tell Bo off and do as she pleased. 

She's gone now and Lukas's all alone to face his dad.

Hours passed as he laid on his bed, eyes fixing his calling. His phone had buzzed a couple times, texts from Rose and his friends but he didn't check them. Maybe he did read some but he didn't reply to anyone because he didn't care what they had to say. He didn't care that there was a party on Friday or the football game before the party. He didn't care about what top Rose should wear for said party or if she looked hot or not in the pictures she sent him. 

All he could think about right now is Philip. Philip is missing. Philip's mad at him because he's an asshole and- 

With hesitant fingers, he dialed Philip's number, again. A part of him was relieved when it went straight to voicemail, knowing he'd chicken out the second he'd head the brunette's voice. ''Philip, it's me, Lukas. I know you're still mad at me for everything I did to you. I've been a real asshole... but could you please call back? I-I'm worried about you.'' 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thought on Philip ignoring Lukas's texts? Evak hanging out and Even helping him with maths? Lukas being worried about Philip? Wanting to apologize? Where do you think Philip went?


	10. Chapter nine: I missed you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was really uninspired for the second scene, the words wouldn't come out :( please forgive me!

  When everything in Tivoli went wrong, Philip saw only one solution: escape. He knew leaving his problems behind and ignoring them wouldn't last forever, that he'll have to go back and face them at some point but for now, fleeing felt right. 

After his small discussion with Helen in the car, Philip waited till her jeep was completely out of sight to run off the the nearest bus station. It was a bit of a walk - twenty minutes - but he got there and took the first bus in direction of the city. 

 _Home_.

He didn't have anything other than his backpack with his textbooks - no phone or clothes - so he knew he couldn't stay for long but he'll make good use of his time in the city. Philip knows how to have fun and free your mind in the city. He could go for a drink in some all day gay club or- Yeah, he _knows_  exactly where to go.

Philip knocked on the door a few times and waited on the small patio. With a short glance around, he noticed nothing has changed since he was last here. Maybe except for the dead plants and the nasty tag on the door. Who did this?

Before he could ask himself any more questions, the door opened and Philip lost no time and pulled the short woman in his arms, hugging her tightly. She was a little shocked at first but once she realized who it was, she hugged back.

Holding his mom in his arms was so relieving for Philip. He didn't know how much he needed her maternal touch until now. '' _Mom_ ,'' he whispered, too filled up with emotions to speak any louder. His voice was a little shaky and broken. He took a deep breath, composing himself as the familiar smell of cigarettes and cheap perfume filled his nose.

''Philip, sweetheart, I'm so happy to see you,'' she beamed, a wide grin forming on her lips. She pulled away and opened the door wider, letting Philip in. ''Sorry it's a little bit of a mess. If I had know you'd come, I would've done a little bit of cleaning,'' she laughed, taking some empty beer bottles off the coffee table and throwing them in an old brown box that must be the trash. 

''It's okay, mom. I don't mind the mess,'' he assured her.

Anne nodded. ''Okay. Okay. Come sit.'' She sat on the old couch, the same Philip remembered, and patted the spot next to her. Philip did as told and joined her, leaning his head on her shoulder.

Everything inside the house was the same. The curtains were still stained, the coffee table was still cover with empty bottles of pills and small baggies, the ashtray was filled to the top with some cigarette toppling over on the table and even the empty In N Out bag Isak had left on the counter was still there. The familiarity felt nice but Philip was a little worried about his mom's sanity. 

''Tell me nice things about you. School, love life...'' Philip looked up to her, his lips turning up a little, catching Anne's attention. ''What? Oh.'' She was surprised. Not because she doesn't think Philip would be able to date someone, she always had fait in him that he would find someone who loves him, but becuase the teenager never hinted about a love interest before. Ever. ''Oh my god. You got to tell me. What's her name?''

Philip's smile only widen when he saw his mom grinning and giggling with happiness at the news. Her darling boy found someone he likes and that makes her so, so happy. 

If only she knew _who_ her son fell for... What that boy did to him and how much of an asshole he's been toward Philip. If she knew all that, maybe her face would change becuase in her opinion, Philip deserves the best of the best. 

''Lukas.'' 

For a second, he was worried of her reaction. He might have let it slipped once or twice that he was attracted to guys but Philip doesn't think she remembers. She was too stoned. Her smile twisted into a concerned frown when she saw Philip playing with the torn up fabric of the couch, his eyes anywhere but on her. 

''Does he know that you like him?'' she asked, catching the boy off guard. 

''He knows.'' Philip looked up to her, his face all sad at the thought of Lukas. ''But he wants to keep it a secret.'' 

Noticing the sadness on his face, Anne leaned against Philip and let him lay his head on her shoulder again but this time, she rested hers on top of his, just like the old days.

''If the court finds out that you've been here, they're never gonna let you come home,'' Anne said after a moment. As much as she was happy to see Philip, she didn't want him to get in trouble or worsen the jury's verdict. They were already on a tight leash.

''I know.'' Philip chewed on his lip, drawing blood to the surface, as he thought about the reasons who have lead him here. ''I just really needed to see you, mom.'' 

''Aw, sweetheart, it's okay. I'm not mad, I just- How's Isak?'' 

***

  Isak sat on the porch of Helen and Gabe's house, waiting for them to come home. He would've gone inside but the door is locked and he doesn't have the keys - his phone is dead so he can't text anyone either. Both Helen's jeep and Gabe's truck are gone and the lights are all off inside so Philip isn't there either. 

Where are they all?

Sighing, the blonde boy pulled his knees to his chest, trying to find some warmth because it's almost October and the weather isn't very warm at night in Tivoli. 

He regrets leaving Even's so early. Sonja was there and that was...not so great, but it was _warm_. Isak made up a lie about Helen needing him at home and left a few minutes after Sonja arrived. It was tough to see Even being with her and, let's say Sonja doesn't hold back on the pda. She was kissing him and rubbing his leg as they talked; it was really uncomfortable.

Isak stood when he saw Helen's jeep rolling in the driveway. His hands were starting to freeze and his nose was very red from the cold air. 

''Have you seen your brother?''

''Philip? No. Why?'' 

Helen covered her face with her hands as the last bit of hope she had crumbled. She _lost_ him. She lost one of the two kids she was assigned in less that a month. Maybe that's a sign? Maybe someone is trying to tell her that she can't be a mom?

''Helen, you okay?'' Isak asked with concern as he approached the brunette woman. 

She uncovered her face, rubbing at her tired eyes. ''He's gone.'' 

''What do you mean?'' 

''Philip hasn't showed up at school today, the headmaster called at my office.''

Isak knitted his eyebrows into a frown. ''But, you dropped us this morning?'' 

''Yeah. I know. He must've left after that. Or, maybe he left with someone... Maybe something happened? Maybe he's in trouble? Maybe he-'' 

''Where's Gabe?'' 

''He's looking for him,'' she replied. ''Do you know anyone he could've gone to? A friend or an old acquaintance?''

There's Even. Even't Philip's friend but Isak has been with him since school ended, he would've known if Philip was there. 

He shook his head. ''Not really...'' 

They went inside and waited for Gabe. It was almost nine o'clock and Helen was pacing back and forth in the kitchen, her eyebrows knitted with worry. She hasn't sat down since she came home and seeing her like that makes Isak really anxious. What if they can't find him?

''Gabe will find him,'' Isak promised her. ''I-if not, the others at the station will-''

She stopped, her clear eyes looking at the blonde teen. ''No. We can't declare his disparition under twenty-four hours.'' 

''And if we do that, the social services will show up. A missing child report would create so many problems.''

''Did you try calling him?'' Isak asked, remembering what Even told him the last time he was looking for Philip.

''Yes. He left his phone here.'' 

An hour later, Gabe came home empty handed. He didn't find him. 

It was a long night for the Torrance/Caldwell - and Shea - family. None of them could close an eye, too agitated and worried about the missing boy. Anything could've happened to him. _Anything_. And that's what worries Helen and Gabe more. Isak isn't as worried. He knows Philip. The boy can take care of himself - he used to take care of their mom all the time - and he's convinced he's well but a small part of him can't help but think something bad happened. 

 The next morning, Gabe was at the stove, cooking a light breakfast while Isak was on coffee duty. After getting less than three hours of sleep, they'll need a dose of caffeine to not fall asleep during the day.  

Helen was on her phone, speaking to Tony about Philip and the procedures they could make before declaring his disparition when the door opened and the latter walked in nonchalantly in the kitchen. ''Tony, I'll have to call you back. Philip just came home,'' she said and hung up.

All eyes were on him as he took off his shoes and raised an eyebrow at their faces. ''What's for breakfast?'' he asked Gabe, nodding at whatever was cooking on the stove. 

''Where the hell were you?!'' Helen's voice boomed, making Gabe and Isak jump at her loud tone. She was so angry. ''We were all sick worried about you. Gabe and I spent the night looking for you. I was about to fill in a missing child report-'' 

He wanted to roll his eyes at her. Why is she always so dramatic? ''I was with my mom.'' 

''Your mom? Philip! You know you aren't allowed to have _any_ contact with her.''

''I know.'' 

''Then why did you go?''

''I wanted to talk to her.''

Helen gave him a warning look. ''You can't do that. If the social serviced knows about your little visit...'' 

''I know. I just really needed to see her,'' he explained, looking at her in the eyes for the first time. Their eyes locked for a short second but it was enough for Helen to read into his brown irises. Philip's eyes showed so much pain and angst that she didn't keep going with her questions. She's not heartless, she's not gonna keep digging in if someone's too broken. 

After eating, Philip went to his room to change and Isak followed him. He sat on his bed and played with his fingers anxiously, trying to gather enough courage to ask what he was about to ask Philip. 

''How is she?'' 

The brunette raised an eyebrow. ''Who?'' 

'' _M-mom_.'' 

Philip's breath itched. Was Isak really asking about their mom's health? By habit, he almost told him she was doing better and will be fine in the end but Isak's old enough to know the truth now. He can't keep this away from him forever. It's not fair to him. 

''She's not good, Isak. She...she really needs help.'' 

***

  While he was in the jeep, on his way to school, Philip received a test from Lukas. Gabe and Helen must've told Bo about him coming back this morning because Lukas was asking him to meet him on the school's roof. It was a weird request but Philip replied with an 'okay'. 

It took him a few minutes to find the stairs leading to the roof but he got there. He spotted Lukas's sitting fame on the left, close to the edges. His back was to him so Philip wasn't sure if he had acknowledged his presence. He cleared his throat. 

''I was starting to think you wouldn't show up,'' Lukas's voice started, breaking the ice. He stood up and turned around. ''So, are we okay?'' 

Philip shook his head and scoffed. ''I didn't agree to meet you here because I forgive you. So, you better get that out of your head.'' 

Lukas frowned. ''I left you a message last night.'' 

''Oh. Yeah, I deleted it.'' 

He was hurt Philip that deleted his message before hearing it, but he also understood why he did that. He was mad at him. Lukas stepped forward, getting closer to the brunette. ''When Gabe came over and told me you were missing, I fucking panicked. I thought it was _my_ fault if you left... I was so scared I had lost you, that something happened to you. You have no idea how bad I wanted to get on my bike and look for you.''

''But you didn't.'' Philip paused, taking a few steps toward Lukas. ''You stayed home in the comfort of your own room because you were scared of your dad's reaction if he had known you went looking for me late at night.'' 

Lukas winced at the truth. ''I should have. I really should have-'' 

''It doesn't matter now, does it? Because I'm here. I'm back and your guilt is gone.''

''It's not,'' Lukas protested. ''I was an asshole to you, you didn't deserve any of that.'' 

Their bodies were very close now, a couple inches separating them. Philip could smell the musky body wash mixed with a wood-y scent that's so familiar to Lukas. He subtly inhaled, feeling Lukas's touch on his skin as the blonde leaned in for a hug. Philip pushed him away fast enough. 

''The other day hit me and now you want to hug me...'' Philip let out a soft, humorless laugh. ''Do thinking _I_ want to hug you?'' He crossed his arms and gave him a look. 

Lukas looked down in shame. ''I was so worried about you-''

''Do I look like I care?'' Philip asked, his voice filled with sass. 

Slowly, Lukas hesitantly pressed their forehead together and this time, Philip didn't stop the proximity. ''I thought a lot about what you said when you left my house last weekend and I just can't get you out of my head. You were right, I'm into you. That's what's happening.'' 

Lukas pulled back and swallowed thickly, his Adam apple bobbing as he looked down, closing his eyes for a second. ''I'm sorry. I'm _so_ sorry,'' he mumbled, loud enough for Philip to hear as he opened his eyes, his blue irises searching for Philip's.

Philip's eye looked down at Lukas's lips and back up to his eyes as he felt the latter's hand caress his cheek ion a soft gesture. Since when is Lukas so gentle with him?

''I've been really shitty to you. I hurt you and called you names just so no one would associate me with you. With, being...gay. Because I'm _not_. I'm just really into you and I'm so scared-Scratch that, I'm fucking _terrified_ ,'' he admitted, his voice cracking a little, raw emotions taking over. Lukas isn't good with his words or at dealing with his emotions and this gets to Philip's heart. 

Lukas was shocked when Philip wrapped his arms around him, his face pressed in Lukas's shoulder as he hugged him tight. The blonde released a breath he didn't know he was holding and hugged Philip back. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did anyone guess right? I HAD to include a scene where Philip go see his mom and break the 'law'. 
> 
> Thoughts on Philip coming out to his mom? Her reaction? Isak leaving because of Sonja? Philkas meeting on the roof? Lukas apologizing? What this enough? Do you think Philip accepted his excuses?


	11. Chapter ten: Unplanned situations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The only reason it took me this long to post anew chapter was becuase of the lack of feedback I got on last chapter. I know it can sound whiny but it's not what I want to project. I saw this because feedback (comments, reads and kudos) is what keep me going and inspires me to write new chapters. I work hard on this book; I take hours out of my daily life to write this but you can't take a second to press the 'kudos' button? Or write a small comment? (Either is appreciated.) End of my rambling!

  Group chats are confusing and exhausting. 

Making plans with your friends becomes a lot more difficult because while you're explaining the plan, some are making jokes or talking about something else and don't see what you're saying. The awkwardness when someone - always Magnus, let's be real - says something weird or stupid and kills the whole conversation. It happened one too many times. There's the group roasts that never ends well, the exhaustion when two people are chatting back and forth and you just want to _sleep_ and they just don't stop, the shady people who make another group chat and don't invite that one person, the tension when shit is getting real between others and you just sit back and watch it all go down.

Isak just can't keep up. Magnus, Jonas and Mahdi recently added him into their group chat and since then, life has been a lot more hectic. 

Jonas:  _Vilde?_

Jonas: _Since when Vilde does parties? I mean, aren't her parents always at home?_

Magnus: _No. They're away for the weekend ;)_

Mahdi: _What does that wink means?_

Magnus: _Vilde and I will have sex this weekend._

Jonas: _Hahaha_

Mahdi: _Sorry to crush your hopes but...Vilde's not into you._

Magnus: _Shut up, guys. You just can't see the connection._

Mahdi: _Connection? What connection? There's nothing between you two, bro!_

Jonas: _Remember that one time she rejected your offer for sex in front of everyone? It was fucking hilarious._

Magnus: _She was just shy..._

Magnus: _Why don't you all go bother Isak? He hid in the bathroom at Emma's party, he needs help in the ladies department. We should help him get a girl this weekend!_

Isak: _I don't need help in the 'ladies department'..._

Magnus: _Why did you stay alone in that bathroom, then?_

Isak: _I was not._

Isak: _Alone, I mean._

Magnus: _Oh my god! Tell me more!!_

Mahdi: _Yeah, we want to know!_

Isak: _Nothing happened. We went out for a smoke._

Magnus: _Oh. See, I told you. You need to get laid!_

Jonas: _Isak's not the only one who needs to get laid, uh Mag?_

Magnus: _I don't know what you're talking about. I always get some at parties..._

Jonas: _Oh yeah? Last night you told me you were still a virgin._

Mahdi: _Crunchy topics here ^^_

Magnus: _Fuck off, Mahdi..._

Jonas: _Don't be too upset, Mag, Mahdi's virgin too. He just doesn't want people to know._

Jonas: _Oh, sorry? You didn't want me to tell..._

Mahdi: _Fuck you, it was a secret!! Just because you're the only one of the gang who has sex doesn't mean you can rub it in our faces all the fucking time._

Jonas: _I know. It's just funny how you two are like, obsessed with getting laid but can't get any._

Magnus: _Why don't we all remedy to the situation? There's a party tonight. We're ALL going and we're ALL going to get some._

Mahdi: _Yes!_

Magnus: _And we'll help the ones who have more difficult in the ladies department. Yes, I'm talking at you, Isak._

Isak: _But I'm already in my bed..._

Isak: _And it's comfy._

Magnus: _Don't care. Get out of your fucking bed, we're going out._

Isak: _Ugh._   _Do I have to get dressed?_

Jonas: _Yes._

Mahdi: _No. It'll be a lot quicker to fuck._

Magnus: _Good one, Mahdi!_

Jonas: _Isak, I beg you, do NOT listen to them..._

Thirty minutes later, the whole boy squad was standing on Vilde's porch, trying to get in but the guy at the door wasn't letting them in and it was really annoying. He had his hand on the doorway, blocking the passage.

''Sorry, we're not letting any more people in,'' the guy said, taking a swig of his beer.

''Why not? I _know_ Vilde, she invited us,'' Magnus argued.

The brunette guy snickered. ''Who doesn't know Vilde?''

Vilde isn't the most popular girl of Red Hook but she's friend witch Noora who's dating William, a last year who's a member of the school's douche squad- sorry, _music_ squad. He's in a band with other last year guys. Guys hates them but, girls gets on their knees for them - literally. Back to Vilde, she's also member - and founder - of a group at school but honestly, people knows about her because of Noora. 

And her big mouth. She's queen of gossips. 

''Come on, let us in. We walked all the way here,'' tried Mahdi but the guy shook his head before smirking as a girl with long hand walked up the steps and he kindly pulled away his hand from the doorway and let her pass, looking at her butt as she walked in. 

''Hey, why did you let Eva in and not us? You said no more people were allowed inside,'' Magnus complained, pointing at the long haired girl.

''She has a good butt,'' he replied, smacking Eva's ass and she just rolled her eyes at the problematic brunette. 

''Chris, let them in,'' she said and turned to the boys. ''Jonas's a...friend.'' The way she said friends sounded like it was forced out of her mouth. 

Isak frowned, giving Jonas a look. What's going on? Did something happened between the two before he moved here? Jonas shook his head, telling him he'll explain later.

''Alright...'' Chris sighed. He moved away from the door and disappeared trough the crowd, probably chasing after some girls.

''You two are _friends_ now?'' Magnus asked Jonas as they entered Vilde's house. ''I thought you were still together...'' Mahdi hit him upside the head. ''Ow! What was that for?''

''I don't really know where Eva and I stands anymore,'' Jonas explained, heading to the kitchen to get drinks. ''We still hook up here and there but, she's seeing Chris too...''

''Chris? That guy at the door?'' Isak asked, trying to understand what the situation. 

Jonas nodded and Isak grimaced. How could a beautiful girl like Eva get someone like Chris? He's not ugly - Isak thought he was good looking - but he's kind of an ass. Isak didn't like the way he smacked Eva's butt so nonchalantly. It was awkward to watch. 

''She's hooking up with Penetrator Chris?'' gaped Magnus, eyes wide. 

 _Penetrator Chris? What the hell is that_ , Isak wondered. He opened his mouth to ask but closed it. Maybe he doesn't want to know after all... It sounds a little...sexual.  

''Yeah.'' 

The blonde put his hand over his mouth, holding his laugh in. ''Oh my god, you're so screwed.'' 

''It's more Eva who's getting screwed,'' laughed Mahdi, earning a glare from Jonas. He's not with Eva anymore but he won't accept someone talking shit about her. She's not like that, she's a nice girl. Okay, she do sleeps around a little but she's not on Chris's level of sleeping around - he's _the_ worst. Magnus shook his head at his dark skinned friend who looked down and apologized. ''Sorry.''

Jonas opened his bag and took out some cans of beer, handing one to his friends. Magnus lost no time opening the can and taking a sip. ''It's a recent break up, you'll get over it.'' 

''Anything to add, Isak?''

''Don't come to me for relationship advice?'' he tried. Jonas's lips turned up. ''Unless you want to ruin your chances, in this case-'' Isak stopped himself, catching something from the corner of his eyes. Even? He frowned, telling himself it was someone who looked like him but the more he stared - not creepy at all -, the more he could confirm it was Even. The older boy had his back against the fake brick wall, bobbing his head to the beat of the music as he chatted with some blond guy. 

''I'll be right back,'' Isak told the boys, pushing himself trough the crowd till he reached Even. He taped his shoulder, getting the tall blonde's attention. Even smiled when he saw Isak, giving him all his attention and forgetting about the guy he was talking to. ''What are you doing here?'' he asked, only realizing how rude he sounded after the words were out. 

''Sonja is Vilde's cousin.'' 

 _Sonja_. Of course.

''And you?'' Even continued. 

''I got dragged here by my friends.'' 

''Oh. I see.'' Isak arched an eyebrow. ''Your tee shirt's backward,'' Even pointed. Isak looked down at his collar and sighed. Why does he always have to embarrass himself in front of Even? Is this a curse or something? ''Don't worry, I heard it's the latest trend in Australia.'' 

''Really?''

Even nodded, looking sure of himself. ''Yeah. They do _everything_ backward. They eat desert first, have dinner for breakfast, walk backward.''

At this point, it was clear Even was playing him. Walking backward? Who does that? Isak rolled his eyes. Did Even think he could play him so easily?

''I also heard they have sex before their first kiss but, that's an american thing too nowadays...''  he added with a smirk. Isak chuckled at Even's bad joke. ''I almost got you, didn't I?'' he asked, lifting his eyebrows. 

Shaking his head, Isak felt his phone buzzing in his pants. He took it out and read a 911 text from Magnus. ''I have to go, my friend needs me,'' he excused, pointing to his phone. 

Even gave him a small smile. ''Sure, go ahead. I'll go find Sonja.'' 

Isak made his way to the second room on the left like Magnus told him to and opened the door without knocking. It was risky and very dumb to not knock or ask if Magnus was in there but he didn't think. He was just annoyed that his friend interrupted his quality time with Even. ''Magnus, what do you wan- Who's she?''

A girl with short, pixie hair was standing next to Magnus and Isak couldn't be more confused. Who's that? What is she doing here? Why did Magnus called for help if he got himself a girl? Is it for a condom? Because Isak doesn't have one.

The blonde smirked and made the presentations. ''Emma, Isak. Isak, Emma.'' 

The name sounds familiar. Emma. Is Emma the girl who organized last week's party? Might be that. ''Erm, hi?'' Isak said, not knowing what else to say.

Emma glanced at Isak. ''Your friend here said you had E on you. Do you?'' she asked, her voice hopeful. 

Is that why Magnus needed him? Because some girl wanted E? Why did he agree to keep it on himself? Oh, right, Magnus was afraid he'd lose them while having sex with Vilde - which isn't gonna happen. 

''Yeah? Yeah! I have some, here, in my pocket.'' Isak took a white pill from the baggie, careful to not spill it on the floor. 

''Put it on your tongue,'' Magnus whispered, loud enough for only Isak to hear. Isak gave him a 'what the fuck' look but the latter just winked. He had no idea what he was doing but he did as told and put the pill on his tongue and this Emma girl kissed him, taking the drug with her tongue, swallowing before continuing with her kissing. 

Isak had never done anything like this before but, it was fucking hot - except it wasn't. He liked the idea of having to take the drug like that but he felt nothing when Emma kissed him. _Nothing_. It's not that Emma isn't pretty, she's kinda cute but she's not...Even. He ignored that and kissed her back, making out for a moment. Emma's hand was at the nape of his neck, pulling him closer and closer, deepening the kiss. 

Kissing a girl was boring but he could still fake it. Emma wouldn't notice he wasn't into her. Blowjobs are another thing... Isak can't fake an erection. When Emma broke the kiss and sank down to her knees, hands reaching to undo Isak's pants, he panicked and turned away, rushing out of the room.

***

  While Isak was partying with his friends, Philip was filming for Lukas's channel although Lukas is still with Rose and Philip is still very mad. The hug on the roof wasn't forgiveness but _compassion_. It was Philip telling Lukas he understands what he's going trough and that he'd always be there to talk about it. 

Lukas has stopped screaming at the brunette at school. They're not friendly but Philip prefers that to being called names. No one deserves to be called a stalker or a freak. 

''How did you get this?'' 

Philip smirked, holding the pretty object between his hands. ''I have my ways,'' he replied. 

''The footage will be so much better with that thing.'' 

The brunette huffed. ''That _thing_? Please, Lukas, don't insult my baby. It's a DSLR, not a thing.''

Lukas rolled his eyes. ''Pardon me, Mr Photographer.'' 

''Is this an upgrade from 'City Boy'?''

''Maybe, we'll see if you're any good with that thi- camera. That _camera_.''

Lukas got on his bike and the routine started again but this time, Philip had a new camera and he would make good use of it. There is so many cool functions on this DSLR, it's almost impossible to have bad footage. Unless you don't know how the camera works; it's not those crappy digital rectangles for amateurs, it's a professional camera.

The sun had got down a little, slowly setting behind the hills as the two teenagers sat on the grass under a tree, looking at some videos Philip recorded. Lukas was amazed by the quality of the image and he just _knows_ this will catch attention of sponsors. Some guys he knows from small competitions pays professionals to shoot their videos and take their pictures for their channels and build their profile but it's money Lukas doesn't have. He could ask his dad but again, he's not sure and his dad already bought him a bike, he's not gonna ask for more. 

''Can we post it now?''Lukas asked, a little impatient. 

Philip took the DSLR from him. ''No. I need to edit it first.''

''Why? It's not that important.'' 

''Yes, it is. I need to make cuts and add cool effects-''

Lukas rolled his eyes. ''I don't need that. My jumps are always perfect.'' Lukas put his hands behind his head, laying back against the tree with a pretentious grin on his lips.

''They're _not_.''

''Before you started filming my jumps and tricks, I didn't edit or do any fancy video shit you're talking about. They were basic, home made videos. And it was fine. Sometimes you couldn't see much and I looked like a damn _ant_ on the screen because I was too far and dirt would get on the lens too-''

''Yeah, that's why _I_ 'm the one who films your videos.''

''Mine weren't that bad...'' 

Philip gave him a look before bursting in laughter. ''Putting your phone against a rock was really professional, uh?''

''Stop making fun of me!'' Lukas shoved Philip's shoulder but this time Philip tried to push him away. It was nothing serious as they had big smiles on their faces. Just them, playing around. Until Lukas's hands was on the other boy's shoulder, about to shove him again but instead went to his neck and jaw, pulling him in for a kiss.

Philip lit himself being kissed by Lukas, loving them the blonde's lips were on his. His hand went to Lukas's shoulder, gripping at the plaid fabric as he kissed back. 

''Why did you do that?'' Philip asked after they broke the kiss, Lukas still holding his face with his hand in a soft, caring gesture.  

''I like this,'' Lukas said, stroking Philip's cheek with his thumb. 

Philip leaned into Lukas's touch and smiled softly. ''I like this too. But, there's Rose.'' 

''Fuck Rose. It's _you_ I want.'' Lukas was looking straight into his eyes as he spoke.

As heart warming as it was to know Lukas wanted him and not his current girlfriend, Philip felt bad for the girl. He doesn't know Rose but he knows she's not some disposable thing you can throw away when you find something better. Not that Philip thinks he's better than Rose. He's on the same level as her. 

''Lukas...''

''I know I've been shitty to you but I've never wanted someone more than I want you right now.'' Philip wiggled his eyebrows in a suggestive way, making Lukas realize what he said sounded a little sexual... He groaned in embarassement and annoyance. ''Not in a sexual way! Well, maybe that too but-''

Philip laughed, leaning his forehead against Lukas's. ''I know. I'm just making fun of you. I like when you embarrass yourself, it makes up for all the time you embarrassed me.'' 

The change of expression on Lukas's face made Philip regret saying this. Guilt had replaced the joy and happiness that previously had the blonde smiling and his once soft touch became rigid and he pulled away from Philip completely, only their knees touching. 

Philip hesitantly grabbed Lukas's hand, caressing the pale skin. ''I shouldn't have brought this up,'' he apologized, biting his lip when Lukas snatched his hand away from his touch. 

Lukas shook his head. ''It's not your fault.'' His blue eyes were vitreous as he stared in front of him, fixing nothing in particular. Philip watched him but didn't know he he should say or do something. The last time he saw someone behaving like this was his mom when she was stoned. But Lukas didn't take any drugs. ''We should go,'' he said, snapping out of his thoughts. ''I have to be up early to help my dad with the farm stuff tomorrow.'' 

They left the training tracks in silence and didn't even exchanged goodbyes or say anything when Lukas dropped Philip off at Helen's. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts on Isak making out with Emma? Seeing Even at the party? Sonja being Vilde's cousin? Philkas back to filming? Kissing under the tree? Their awkward ride home?


	12. Chapter eleven: Kiss me, kiss me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the feedback on the last chapter! <3 Keep it up!
> 
> I hope you like this chapter, I worked hard on it and my fingers hurts so much when I type... (My hands are all dry and cracked, I hate winter!!!)

  Sunday afternoon, Lukas was in the garage, working on his bike. He had to change the breaks, the old ones were getting a little rusty and he'd feel bad if something happened to Philip because of his shitty breaks. So he changed them. 

He was almost done with his bike when a feminine voice cleared her throat, walking in the garage and almost giving Lukas a heart attack. He's really concentrated when he works on his bike, okay?

Lukas turned and saw his girlfriend standing at the door. He frowned. ''Rose?''  

''Hey, baby.'' She smiled and walked in. ''What are you doing?'' she asked, her eyes glancing at the engine. 

''Working on my bike, duh,'' Lukas replied.

Rose rolled her eyes. She knew that, that's not what she meant. She asked what he was working on but it doesn't really matter. She doesn't know a thing about dirt-bikes. 

Except that her boyfriend rides one.

''Are you almost done? I was hoping we could spend the afternoon together. Watch movies or something?'' 

''Movies? I don't like movies.'' 

''Come on, _everyone_ loves movies,'' she insisted.

''Not me.'' His tone was stern and made Rose sigh, knowing he was not going to change his mind about the movies. 

Making plans with Lukas is difficult. Rose puts her heart and soul into their relationship but Lukas is always the one putting off their plans. It's like he's not interested. Before Philip came into in life, Lukas didn't mind Rose. She's a nice girl. She's a little annoying sometimes and always wants to kiss him but that's normal to be annoyed of that. Kissing doesn't bring him anything other than a tightness in his pants. He'd rather ride his bike, _that_ will help him get somewhere in life.

''I was planning to go for a ride after I finished. I need to practice my jumps.''

Rose nodded. ''I could come with you. Do you want me to film a little?'' 

Lukas groaned inside. No, no, _no_. That's not what he wanted her to say. Lukas was supposed to meet Philip later today but of course Rose had to get in the picture and remind him that he should want _her_ and spend time with _her_.

''Okay. I guess we could do that.'' Lukas turned to her and gave her a small smile. She smiled back, content. All she wanted was to spend time with her boyfriend, is that so bad? 

Lukas stood when he was finished, stretching his arms over his head. He's been in this uncomfortable position on the ground for too long. 

''You done?'' Rose asked, looking up from her phone. She had been texting some of her girl friends while Lukas finished installing the new breaks and the constant noise of her phone going off and beeping every ten seconds was starting to drive him crazy. 

He nodded. ''Yeah. I'll get my gear and we can go.'' 

Lukas inspected his body quickly, contemplating if he should shower or not. He usually do after working on his bike but right now, he doesn't see the point becuase he's gonna shower after practicing the jumps. Showering two times is dumb. During his inspection, he saw some black stains and splotches from his bike and smirked, creeping a dirty hand near his girlfriend's face. 

She screeched. ''Lukas, don't you dare!'' she warned, stepping away from him a few steps.

Lukas laughed and grabbed everything they needed and they were off to the training tracks behind his house. He did a few jumps and Rose filmed them but got bored quickly and asked Lukas to make a break. A _break_? What the fuck?

''Come here,'' Rose said as Lukas got off his bike. 

Raising an eyebrow, Lukas took off his helmet and joined her without asking questions. She had a weird look on her face and he didn't know what it meant which made him feel a little nervous. 

Does she know he cheated on her with Philip?

No. It can't be that. No one was there every time they kissed. She can't know. Unless Philip told her...

Rose kissed him when he got to her and Lukas tried to not compare her kisses to Philip's kisses and focus on kissing back. He wrapped an arm around her waist, the other over her shoulder, letting himself being absorbed into the kiss. 

Holding Rose was so different that holding Philip. Her petite yet curvy body felt different against his too. Philip has curves too but he doesn't have like, boobs and stuff. Rose doesn't smells the same either. She smells floral-y while Philip smells more sweet - vanilla, maybe? - and musky. 

She broke from the kiss first and smiled at Lukas, a hand on the dip of his back, pulling him closer. ''I know I said I wanted to wait. But I don't want to anymore.'

 

***

''So, you deal drugs now?'' Even pointed to the small baggie filled with pills in full sight on Isak's dresser. 

''What? No, I don't- oh, they're not mine. They're Magnus's. I forgot to give them back when we left Vilde's,'' Isak explained, putting the baggie in his school bag. ''I'll give them tomorrow.'' 

''What's in it? The baggie,'' Even interrupted.

''Ecstasy.''

Even nodded. ''You do E?''

He shook his head as if it was the most ridiculous thing. ''No. I haven't taken anything, like, ever. Except pot. That's not a drug, is it? Well, it is but, not like speed or LSD.'' 

''Wanna try it?'' 

Isak shrugged. ''I don't know. Isn't that a...sexual drug? I mean, doesn't it make you horny or something? I've read that somewhere.'' 

''Not all the time,'' Even replied with a small chuckle. 

It was risky to use drugs at home - bringing them here in the first place was risky - but Helen works all weekend and so does Gabe. Philip isn't there to lecture him either so, why not? And, he's with Even, nothing bad is gonna happen to him. Even's a nice guy, he wouldn't take advantage of him.

''Okay. Let's do this.'' Isak took the baggie out of his bag and took two pills out, handing one to his friend. 

Before he moved to Tivoli, Isak was anti-drugs - for valuable reasons - but his new friends made it look so cool and honestly, he loved the high the weed made him feel. He never felt this good in his entire life.   

''How do you want to take it?'' Isak gave the blonde a confused look. ''Snort, swallow, parachute...anal?'' Even smirked at the last one and Isak almost choked on his saliva. _What_?! Anal? How does it even- ''By the look on your face, I'm guessing we won't do _that_ today, although it's _the_ best way to do E,'' he added.

Isak shook his head as if it was the most ridiculous thing. ''It's a gay thing. Putting things up your ass.'' 

Even rolled his eyes at Isak's shallow judgement. ''Just, put the dang thing in your mouth, Isak.'' 

''Dry? Do I chew it?''

''If you want but, little warning the taste fucking awful.'' Even grimaced at the not pleasing memories. 

Isak nodded at himself, his colored eyes staring at the white pill in his hand. He looked up and met Even's blue eyes. The older boy smiled, looking at Isak as he put the pill on his tongue and made it disappear in his mouth. Isak watched his Adam apple bob as he swallowed. 

Guess it's his turn now.

The feeling wasn't instant like Isak thought. It took a few minutes for the drug kick in which was a bummer because Isak was very impatient and wanted to feel high _now_ , like he did when he smoked. 

When it finally kicked in though, Isak thought he was in _heaven_. He thought weed made him feel good but this, this was something else. He felt utterly incredible. The air tasted cleaner and when his eyes landed on Even, he was so, so fucking beautiful. Isak always think he's beautiful but at this exact moment, _fuck_ , he was breathtaking. With his blue eyes, strong jawline and swept back blonde hair with that one piece springing on his forehead every time he moved, Isak could hardly take his eyes off him.

Then, everything happened so fast. One minute they were lost in the beat of the loud music playing from Even's phone, dancing and looking at each otehr as if they were the fucking stars and the next, Even had his lips on Isak's and they were kissing. Not a small smooch, a dirty and messy kiss with lots of tongue and hands grabbing. Isak kissed him back just as hard, both hands curling around the nape of his neck, pulling him in closer. They are kissing like crazy. Like their lives depended on it.

That's not how Isak had imagined his first kiss with Even to be. He didn't think they would be high on E but now it's happening and he can't do anything about it. He's wanted this for a long time, he's not going to stop the kiss because it's not how he wanted things to go. He's not gonna go all control freak over a kiss. A scenario isn't what makes a kiss good or bad. 

Kissing Even confirms all his doubts, Isak knows his prefers kissing boys than girls. Even's lips felt like fucking heaven on his. They were so plump and surprisingly soft. Isak thought all guys had chapped lips but Even doesn't. Maybe he uses chapstick? 

His thoughts were cut short when the older boy's lips found their way to his neck, kissing and biting at the skin. Isak threw his head back, his hands fisting Even's tee shirt. His mouth opened wide, a moan escaping his pretty mouth and Even smirked against his neck. 

It’s nothing like Isak has ever experienced, and he suddenly understand why people describe kissing as melting because every square inch of his body dissolves into Even's. His fingers grip his hair, pulling him closer. His veins throbbed and his heart exploded. Isak has never wanted anyone like this before. _Ever_. Even pushes him backward until his back hit the wall.  

''You're so fucking hot, Isak,'' he breathed, his lips ghosting over Isak's as he spoke. The latter was too out of his mind to process what Even said and simply grinned before attaching their lips again. 

Clothes quickly found themselves on the floor, not caring about who started taking off the layers first. Maybe it was Even who took off his zip up hoodie and threw it on the floor or Isak's snapback that slipped when Even ran his hands trough his messy curls. 

They don't know.

Making out in a standing position limits you so they moved to Isak's bed and it as so much better. It was more comfortable for both of them. Even was on his back, Isak on top of him as their tongue mixed together. 

Even knotted her fists in Isak's tee shirt, pulling Isak harder against him. He groaned softly, low in his throat, and then his arms circled him, gathering Isak against him, and they rolled over on the bed, tangled together, still kissing. All he want is Even. The weight of his body on top of Isak's is extraordinary. He feels him - all of him - pressed against him, and he inhale his shaving cream, his shampoo, and that extra scent that’s just... _him_.  

''We have to take more,'' Even said between kisses, looking down at Isak, his legs on both sides of his waist. 

''More?''

Even grinned, showing his kitten-like teeth. ''Trust me, you'll feel like you're fucking _flying_.'' Even pressed their forehead together, just staring at the younger boy before nudging his nose with his.

 _Flying? That sounds interesting_ , Isak thought before standing to get the baggie, handing it to Even who's grin widen, putting the white pill on his tongue and kissing Isak like he kissed Emma at Vilde's except this time, _he_ swallowed the pill.

***

  Philip waited for Lukas behind his house. He said he'd be in the garage, working on his bike, but the door is closed. He knocked against the door but got no answer. Lukas isn't there. Maybe he had to accompany his dad somewhere? That sounds logical. 

Sitting down on an old piece of wood, Philip sent Lukas a text saying he was there. A few minutes after he hit send, he heard the rumbling of Lukas's motocycle. He was on his bike, that's why he didn't answer. Philip stood, a smile on his lips and went to greet the blonde but stopped in his track when he saw someone sitting behind Lukas. 

He stayed hidden behind the garage, dark eyes watching Lukas park his bike by his house. He was wearing his practice gear but the other person was dressed in civil - Philip saw denim clad legs when they pulled in the driveway. 

''I'll see you tomorrow, bye,'' Lukas said.

''Yeah, love you,'' the other person said and Philip knitted his eyebrows into a frown, recognizing Rose's voice. Lukas was with _Rose_? Did he forget they agreed to hang out today?

Philip watched Rose get to her car and pull out of the Waldenbeck's driveway. Once she was gone and out of sight, he stepped out of his hiding spot. ''Did you forget about me?'' he asked, his voice a little bitter as he crossed his arms over his chest. 

Lukas turned abruptly, smiling once he saw Philip. ''What? No, I didn't. Why?'' 

''Did you spend the afternoon together? I thought you were working on your bike today.'' 

''Yeah, I changed the breaks. Rose showed up around three and wanted to spend time with me-'' 

''So you too her for a ride on your bike?'' Philip snorted. ''Classic.''

Philip was being a little salty about Rose but Lukas can't really blame him. It hurts to see the person you like being affectionate with someone else. Lukas said he doesn't like Rose like that anymore but Philip still doesn't like it when Rose hang out with Lukas. Or hold hands, kiss or ride on the back of his bike - the latter is probably the worst. The passenger seat on Lukas's bike is _his_. Or, he wished.

The blonde walked over to Philip, closing the distance between them but not being too close either, in case someone like his dad or even Rose showed up. She just left but, you never know. ''You know I'd rather ride my bike than spend time with her but I have to. Rose and I are _dating_.''

''What a good boyfriend you are, Lukas Waldenbeck. Choosing his fucking bike over his girlfriend...I'm glad we're not dating.'' 

Lukas rolled his eyes. ''You know it's not like that with you,'' he explained with a sigh, extending his arm in the brunette's direction to place his hand on his shoulder. His hand moved up to Philip's neck as he dipped slightly on the side to press their lips together. 

As much as Philip wanted to pull away and break the kiss, he couldn't. It's rare Lukas makes the first move to kiss him. He left himself being sucked into the kiss, snaking his arms around Lukas's waist, pulling him closer. Philip let a hand sneak under Lukas's flannel, feeling the warmth of his skin. Lukas gasped into his mouth, Philip's hand a little cold to the touch.

If only Philip knew who's hand was there a few minutes ago...

Lukas broke the kiss first, needing air. He made out with Rose a couple times but never this hardcore. Someone was always interrupting them or he'd get bored. With Philip, he _never_ wants to stop kissing him. 

''Riding with Rose isn't the same, you know,'' Lukas said. ''I can't feel her dick pressing into my ass every time we hit a bump.'' 

Philip felt his cheeks go red and swatted at Lukas who was laughing. ''Ugh, stop...''

''Wanna know something else?'' 

''No.'' 

Lukas smirked. ''Most of the time, I hit bumps on purpose.'' 

***

  Seeing someone for the first time after having sex is weird. So, on Monday, Isak tried his best to avoid Even. He knew it was stupid and he'd have to talk to him one day or another but he preferred to push back this moment as far as possible. 

He was glad they aren't in the same grade. He doesn't have to see him during class but he has to see Magnus and the boy is pestering him about _Emma_. Isak doesn't know what to say. He can't tell Magnus he had to push her away when she went for a blowjob, he's say he's stupid to refuse a blowjob. 

During lunch, he locked eyes with the older boy and when Even stood to come his way, Isak dashed out of the lunch room, earning a few looks from students as he ran. Even tried to wait at his locker but Isak made sure he had all his book for the day in his bag so he wouldn't have to stop at his locker. 

After school, Helen picked he and Philip up, saving him from having to ride the bus with Even.  Isak went straight to his room when he arrived from school and hasn't came out since. All he's done is lay on his bed and...think.

He knew he was acting really childish. He should face his fears and talk with Even. Maybe the whirlwind of questions in his head would stop if he talked to him.

But he can't. 

He gets anxious just thinking about it. 

_Was it bad_? It was Isak's first time and needless to say, he had no idea what he was doing.  _Does he regret it_?  _Does he think he's repulsive_? Isak doesn't have a Greek God body; he's thin and doesn't have any muscles...not really attractive. 

His thoughts were interrupted by his phone buzzing on his chest. Isak picked it up and opened the text. 

[From: Even]  

_If you're don't want to talk to me because of Sunday, just say it. We had sex but I don't want things to be weird between us. I don't want to loose you, Isak. We have a great friendship and breaking it because we were young and stupid this one afternoon would be really sad. I get it if you regret having sex with me and that's the reason you're avoiding me. It's common after one night stands... But, I'll tell you now, I dont regret it. It was fucking awesome, you were fucking awesome. Give me a call when you feel like it, xx Even_

Isak rolled on his side, his phone pressed to his chest and face into his pillow, inhaling Even's scent that lingered there from yesterday's activities. A smile tugged at his lips instantly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts on Lukas hanging out with Rose? Rose wanting to have sex? What do you think happened between Rose and Lukas before he drove home? (yes, the missing part will be revealed in later chapters) Thoughts on Evak taking E? Having sex while high? Philip being salty about Rose? Isak avoiding Even? Even's text? 
> 
> Please let me know what you think, xx


	13. Chapter twelve: Open hearted confessions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I took so long for updating, I got trouble with my laptop...ugh. I spent a LOT of time finding these gifs, I hope you like it!

  Gym with Magnus is always fun. They always team together and cover the other when they cheat. One time, Isak hit a classmate with a volley-ball and Magnus convinced their teacher is was just a sad accident. He told the teacher the ball was mid-air when Isak realized it was gonna hit someone and it was too late to tell him to move out of the way. The truth is, Magnus told Isak to hit the guy because he was flirting with Vilde. How dare he flirt so openly with _his_ girl? He so deserved it.

Last week, Magnus lost a dumb bet between he and Mahdi and the dark skinned boy shaved Magnus's legs. Needless to say, he was really embarrassed to show up with bare legs to gym class. He faked feeling ill and Isak took him to the nurse and missed the whole period.

So when Even showed up in the locker room on Wednesday, standing by the blue doors and motioning for Isak to come over, Isak went without thinking, knowing his friend would cover for him. 

Isak felt stupid dressed in his mismatched gym kit - shorts and long sleeve tee -  but doubt Even would make a comment. He's in gym class, not walking for a fashion show. When his eyes landed on the older boy, he felt self-conscious of his attire. Even stood there, by a row of lockers, his usual layers of jacket and hoodies on, looking like he just knows how to match his clothes although he probably just grabbed whatever he saw in the morning. How does he do it? Isak always looks like a _clown_ when he does that. 

''Holla,'' Even said, his eyes landing on Isak. 

''Holla.''

The first time Isak heard him say that, he thought it was something Tivoli citizen said but nope, turned out it's a _Even_ thing. The blonde always greets him with that whenever they see each other. Always. And Isak found himself saying it too so ' _holla_ ' became their 'thing'.

They stood there, not saying anything. Just staring. In silence. 

They knew they had to talk about Sunday. Real talk. But it was easier to ignore it. 

''You wanted to talk?'' 

Isak nodded. ''Yeah...erm-''

''Hey,'' Even said, reaching to brush Isak's cheekbone with his thumb. ''Don't be nervous around me. You don't need to be. It's just us, there's nothing to be nervous about.'' His voice was calming and soothing. Even always so gentle with him, like he's some fragile china doll. Isak nodded, trying to relax and not think too much about what he was going to say. 

''There's some things I need to know.'' Even nodded as to say 'go on'. Isak bite his lip, thinking he'll find some courage from doing that but nope, all he got was pain from his teeth pressing into his lip. ''Did you kiss with me because you were high or, because you wanted to?'' 

It took a little time to get a reaction from Even. At first, Isak thought he didn't hear him or that the silence confirmed his fear but then, he broke the silence. Even raised his eyebrows, his blue eyes looking at Isak. ''Are you seriously asking me that?'' 

''Erm, yeah..?'' 

He reached for Isak's hands, lacing their fingers together before bringing them to his mouth and kissing the back of it, his blue eyes never leaving Isak's gaze. ''Does this answer your question?'' 

It was an unusual way to answer but Isak got the message. He smiled weakly, needing to ask one more thing before he could smile fully. ''A-and, for the...sex?''

Even looked at Isak with a one sided grin. ''Of course I wanted to. Being high increase your  - at least, with E - levels of sexuality and sexual arousal and gives higher pleasure from and desire for physical touch. Ecstasy doesn't make you want to fuck everyone in the room. Most of the time, you can't focus for enough time for your dick to stay up...unless you already feel something for the person you're with,'' he explained, trying to be clear yet informative so Isak would understand everything about the drug. 

''Wait, you said E doesn't make you horny...'' Isak trailed with confusion. Even seems to know quite a lot about drugs, it doesn't make sense that he didn't know that ecstasy has a sexual effect on you. Unless... ''Even? Did you lie so you could get in my pants?'' Isak laughed because he's being ridiculous right now. Even wouldn't do that. Only someone desperate would do something like that. 

''Not quite...'' He smirked, his blue irises searching to meet Isak's. ''Maybe?'' 

Isak gasped, trying to hide his amused smile. ''Oh my god, you're the fucking worst!'' 

Isak knows he should be creeped out but he knows Even didn't lie to take advantage of him. Even always asks for consent with or without words.  

''You're not mad?'' 

Shaking his head, Isak let out a small laugh. ''Nope.'' Isak looked at the older boy in the eyes. ''I-I _trust_ you, Even.'' 

Distancing himself, Even's soft face hardened, eyebrow creasing. ''Maybe you shouldn't,'' he said, making Isak confused. 

As much as Isak wanted to press in and ask why Even was saying this, he didn't. He stayed silent and waited, his eyes traveling back and forth between the floor and Even. _Did he said something wrong?_ Isak wondered.

The older boy took him by surprise and laced their hands together, thumb caressing Isak's knuckles. He pulled him closer and leaned to kiss him but Isak stopped him just before their lips touched.

''What about Sonja?''

At the sound of her name, Even made a face of annoyance and amusement which had Isak, once again, confused. 

''Sonja and I...'' Even looked thoughtful, as if he was trying to find the right words to say. ''Things have been going downhill for a few months. We're on a break right now.'' His voice was careful and sounded a little robotized, very unlike him.

''A break?'' Isak repeated, making sure he heard right. 

Even nodded slowly.

He should be jumping up and down with joy but, a break isn't a break up; it's a _pause_. Sonja and Even are still together. Couples takes breaks when they need to think or needs a little air, feeling too suffocated by their relationship. Things can go two ways. This break can lead to a rupture but, it can also bring them back together...

And as selfish as it sounds, that's the _last_ thing Isak wants.

''That's...great?'' Isak said, a little hesitant. Even didn't look sad when he announced he and Sonja's break but some people are good at hiding their feelings. ''Or not. I shouldn't have said that,'' Isak apologized. ''You're probably sad right now and-'' 

Shaking his head, Even smiled as he spoke, crystal eyes sparkling. ''I'm not sad.'' 

''No?''

''No,'' Even confirmed, leaning their forehead together, noses touching. 

Isak always thought eskimo kisses were stupid but with Even, nothing is stupid. He makes everything look cool and...okay - even when they're not. He was frozen in place, unable to move at Even's proximity. He can feel his heart going crazy in his chest. 

Last time they were this close, they were both high and under the effect of drugs. Now, they're clean and completely themselves and Isak doesn't know what to do with himself. He wants to throw himself at Even and kiss the life out of him, run his hands all over his slim body and maybe take him into his mouth? He wants to tastes _all_ of him. Even'd like that, right? Who doesn't like blowjobs? He wants to cuddle with him in bed, trace each of his freckles/moles, play with his hair until his fall asleep. 

But he can't do that.

They're standing in the locker room and the bell will ring soon, filling the room with sweaty teenagers who can't wait to go home. 

As if he read on his mind, Even closed the gab between them and kissed Isak, his plump lips pressing softly on the younger boy's. Isak felt a hand behind his neck, going higher and higher as their kissed until it reached his hair and played with the blond, curly mess. Even's other hand was on Isak's waist, pressing him to his body so they could be as close as possible. 

Although their chests were pressed together, it wasn't close enough for Isak. He wanted to feel the taller boy closer and closer and _closer_. Isak put both his hands on Even's waist, fingers digging into the amount of layers he wore under his green jacket, pressing his whole body into his as their tongue chased each other.

Isak wanted to laugh because all this is so...weird? Not badly weird, just, _unbelievable_. He's making out with his crush in the locker room while his classmates are playing soccer in the other room. What is life?

''What's funny?'' Even asked when Isak broke the kiss, chuckling to himself.

Isak shook his head, going for another kiss but the bell rang and make out break was over. Even placed one last kiss on his lips before leaving the locker room just as people started to arrive, leaving Isak stunned in the middle of the locker room. 

''Isak? You alright?'' he heard Magnus ask. The teenager was standing beside him, a frown on his face. 

Isak hummed, returning to earth. ''Hm?'' 

Magnus laughed, shoving past him to get to his bag. ''You look like you've seen a fucking ghost...'' 

Isak made a 'what the fuck' face in Magnus's way and started changing out of his PE clothes, shoving them messily in his bag. 

***

  It's always when you think nothing can bring you down that something comes and do exactly that. 

After school, Isak went helping Gabe storing woods in the barn and clean around a little while Helen cooked. Yes. _Cooked_. The share chores in this family - even if you're not great at certain ones. She made pastas and they were...edible. They were a little overcooked and the sauce was too liquid-y but she tried. They ate all together and after dinner, Isak went for a shower, feeling gross from the PE class and outdoor activities he did with his foster dad. 

Philip was sitting on his bed when Isak returned in their bedroom, feeling fresh and clean. He had been sitting there for a moment, thinking about how he's gonna bring up the subject. Should he get straight to it and confront Isak about it? He'll feel attacked and might be on the defensive - this won't help their sibling bound at all... Or, he could slowly bring the subject up in a calm and non-accusing way.

''What's this?''

Isak squinted his eyes, trying to see what the hell Philip was holding until he realized what it was and panicked. _Fuck_. He gulped thickly and turned so his back was to Philip. Isak's face is like an open book, he can't let it betray him. ''A Tylenol. I had an headache last night. Must've fell.'' 

The brunette scoffed, seeing trough his brother's lies. ''A Tylenol? Do you think I'm stupid? I know this isn't a Tylenol, Isak. It's ecstasy.'' 

Isak looked down, eyes fixing his wrinkly sheets and bed spread, knowing he's caught. Did he really think he could fool Philip? 

''Who gave this to you?'' Philip demanded, standing from the bed, the pill still in his hand.

''It's not mine, I was keeping them for a friend-'' Isak explained but Philip didn't care what his excuse was. He found drugs on his side of the room. That's al that matters.

''You smoke pot and now I find this by your bed. What kind of friends do you hang out with?'' Isak didn't reply. ''You're lucky it's me who found it, not Helen.''

''I only did it once.'' 

''I don't care how many time you took it. This shit is dangerous-''

Isak rolled his eyes, turning on his heels to face his brother. ''Relax, _everyone_ takes it.'' 

''This isn't weed, Isak.''

''No shit...'' 

Philip takes drugs more seriously than Isak. Everyone sees drugs as life enhancers and an easy way to heaven but they're more like a free ticket to hell. From his seventeen years of living, he's seen the not so fun part that everyone forgets it comes with. The side effects. The addiction. 

''You don't understand, do you? Drugs aren't candies you take when you want to have fun. You can't play around with them, thinking it doesn't leaves sequels.'' 

''Why do you suddenly care so much about what I do with my life? Before we moved here, you acted like I didn't exist. All you cared about was _mom_.'' 

''That's not true...'' 

''Yes!'' Isak yelled, then reminding himself to keep his voice down so Helen and Gabe wouldn't come in and ask what's going on. ''All those times I ask for help with my Math homework and you told me you didn't have time and were busy. Or when you forgot to pick me up from school in primary school and I had to wait under the rain for three hours. I was seven years old, I couldn't walk around New York by myself. But I did. I was so fucking scared that someone would take me away.''

Hearing Isak say this got to Philip's heart. Did he really think this? That he didn't care about him? It's true that Isak was always alone but Philip thought it was because he _wanted_ to be left alone. And that time in primary school was an accident. Anne got sick and Philip had to clean up and take care of her - he completely lost track of time. Not to mention that he was only _nine_ years old at the time. 

''I'm sorry if that's how I made you feel,'' he apologized. ''It's just that, mom needed my help more.'' 

''You did a good job at helping her, did you? She's doing good now, does she?''

Philip's jaw clenched. He can't believe Isak said that. It was really low. Philip did everything he could to save his mom and his family yet they still got separated. Isak knows how guilty the brunette feels and he's just turned the knife back into the wound. 

Philip gulped, pushing away all of his emotions. Talking about his mom makes him emotional, it's a soft subject. He closed his eyes for a moment, toughening up. 

''Wanna know why I'm so upset about this? For starter, I'm your big brother and that's my duty to look out for you. And secondly, Mom used to take this a couple years ago. I remember it.'' Philip scoffed. ''You bashed her for bring drugs at home and making them her priority yet, here you are, smoking and taking E. Funny how you're starting to become like her...'' Philip went back to his bed but paused mid-way, his back to Isak. ''I don't want to watch you become like her, Isak. I don't want to fail you like I failed mom.'' 

This was a wake up call for Isak. He didn't see things this way, until now. 

This 'chat' with his big brother really opened Isak's eyes. He now understands Philip's point of view. He's scared for Isak's life and his future. He's got this idea that he's responsible of Isak and all the stupid things he does. He thinks he has to take care of him and raise like a parent. 

Philip's not a parent. He's a _brother_.

Brothers look out for each other, they have each other's back despite the fights and conflicts. They help each other when they need help. They're each other's confident. They share clothes, bedroom and electronics. 

Brothers doesn't raise each other. That's a parent's job.

It's Anne's job. It's now Helen and Gabe's job. Not Philip's. 

***

  You only notice something is wrong when it's too late. Philip was sitting with Even who was telling him about this fantastic movie he saw last night but the dark haired boy wasn't listening. It could be an amazing movie, the best movie ever, but Philip couldn't concentrate on Even's voice long enough to catch what he was saying. 

He's been feeling light headed since he woke up but hasn't said anything to anyone. _It's probably nothing_ , he told himself. So he ignored it and went on with his day. 

''You need to see that movie. I'm telling you, it's fucking epic,'' Even said with enthusiast before taking a large sip of his juice bottle.

Philip hummed, making him believe he was listening when in reality, he was fighting his own battle, trying to not agonize. He closed his eyes shut as a wave of heat invaded his body. He was suddenly really hot, a warm sensation flowing through his body. 

The loud noise of the cafeteria was crowding his head and Philip felt like it was going to fucking explode. His vision was starting to get blurry and suddenly he could see everything get smaller and smaller. A hot feeling went trough his body, followed by a cold rush of air and then back again with the hot feeling all over. 

''We have Biology test after lunch, I'm so not read- Philip, are you alright?'' Even asked with concern, stopping himself mid sentence when he saw his friend holding gripping at the nape of his neck, eyes closed. Even could see the veins popping on Philip's forehead as he breathed. This is _not_ a good sign...

''I'm fine, Even,'' he insisted, opening his eyes to look at the blonde.

Even's eyebrows knitted in worry. He didn't look fine to him. Philip looked anything but fine. ''Are you sure? You look a little pale...''  

Philip got up, decided to go for a walk and splash his face with cold water but before he could get anywhere, his body to collapse on the floor in a loud thud.

People turned at the noise, chairs scraping on the floor as some student stood up to see what just happened. Gasps and whispers were the most common reaction from the students. Although some stepped in to help, most stayed at their table and started gossiping. Really? So soon?

Needless to say, the gossips were about drugs. Of course the only reason a druggie's son faint is because he overdosed. There's not other reason possible. 

The second Philip hit the floor, Even was on his knees beside him. His face was so pale and lifeless although his heart was beating in his chest. ''Philip, wake up. Philip,'' he repeated, lightly slapping his cheek to wake him up. ''Someone get help!''

On the other side of the cafeteria, Lukas's eyes widen when he saw the boy he likes laying on the dirty floor. He looked like he was sleeping but Lukas knew he wasn't sleeping. Philip had _fainted_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you really think I made Isak use drugs just for fun? I knew where I was going with this. Everything I do/write, have a reason behind it. Don't forget to leave kudos and comments down below! I love reading you all in the morning, xx
> 
> Thoughts on Evak meeting in the locker room? Even acting telling Isak to not trust him? Thoughts on Philip and Isak's talk? Isak emptying his heart and telling how he feels? Philip feeling like a parent? Philip fainting?


	14. Chapter thirteen: Let me in

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late update, AO3 didn't want me to update... I hope you like this new chapter and don't forget to leave comments and kudos, xx

''Philip! Philip!'' 

Lukas was at the school's reception, calling for his boy. He didn't know which room he was in so he called his name, hoping the brunette would call back. It was a little dumb because Philip fainted and he, therefore, can't talk. That didn't stop Lukas though.

He was chatting with his friends when he heard the loud thud of a body falling. Lukas didn't see what happened but when he saw Philip on the cafeteria's floor, all pale and unconscious, Lukas wanted to run to his side and hold him to his chest and kiss his face. 

Not wanting to wake any suspicions, the blonde had to wait till lunch hour ended to go see him. Those fifteen minutes seemed like _ages_. Lukas chewed on his nails out of nervousness as he waited, barely participating in his friends's conversations. All he wanted to know was if Philip was okay. 

A woman from one of the offices exited in the hallway, a pointed look on her face. Her hair were up in a bun and Lukas recognized her as the school's nurse. He doesn't know her name but he's seen her around the building a few times - and in health class. ''Class is starting in two minutes, what are you doing here?''

Class? Lukas doesn't care about class. It's the _last_ thing on his mind. 

''The boy who was brought here, the one who fainted-''

''You should get to class.'' Her voice was stern and left no place for argument. 

Lukas ran a hand trough his hair in frustration. '' _No_. I need to see him!'' 

The nurse was starting to loose patience. ''Mr Waldenbeck, will you quiet down,'' the woman hissed, narrowing her eyes at him. ''Someone's already with him, you'll have to wait.'' 

''How long?''

''Until he leaves. It's one person at a time, Mr Waldenbeck. Sorry.'' She gave Lukas an apologetic smile and returned inside her office, to Philip's side. 

Sighing in defeat, Lukas left the reception and went to class, his head still heavy with worries. He should've argued longer but if he miss a class and people find out he was with Philip- It _can't_ happen.

''What was that outside?'' Philip asked, his voice soft and sleepy as the nurse walked in. 

He'd been awake for a few minutes but still feels light headed so the nurse had him lay on the bed, in case he'd faint again. Even was sitting on the chair beside him, handing Philip a glass of water. 

''Some boy looking for you.'' 

He took a sip of the water, thanking Even real quick. ''What did he look like?'' Philip couldn't help but ask, curiosity taking over his sickness.

''Blonde hair and really stubborn,'' she replied. 

Blond hair? ''Shit, was it my brother?'' 

She shook her head. ''No.'' The woman sat down on her spinning chair, a small pile of paper in front of her. ''I called your parents. Your friend can leave when they get here.'' 

Philip rolled his eyes. Of course they called Helen and Gabe. 

''I hope you're not partly responsible of this, Mr Bech Næsheim,'' she said, looking at Even with a warning look. 

Even raised an eyebrow at her. ''What?'' He turned to look at Philip who shrugged, just as confused. 

''I've seen a lot of cases like yours, Mr Shea. Teenagers fainting after the lost track of whatever they consumes.''

''You think I'm taking _drugs_?'' Philip laughed with a sly humor. 

He was quite shocked at her accusations. It was expected from the students but the school's nurse, no. Even was as shocked as his Philip. How dare she making assumptions like that? She doesn't have proofs to say that Philip took drugs.  

''With your past, I wouldn't be surprised-''

''That's a little bit judgmental, don't you think?'' Even cut in, defending his friend.

''After you fainted, we found narcotics in your locker, Mr Shea. You're lucky we didn't call the police.''

Philip wanted to laugh because by calling Helen, they did just that: calling the police. The surprise they'll have when they see her walk in in her cop uniform will be priceless. 

''In my locker? It must be a mistake, Miss.''  

Even frowned and Philip shook his head, not knowing what she was talking about. He does _not_ have drugs in his locker. He's not the druggie everyone think he is; nor the seller everyone think he is. When he took care of his mom, he never consumed any of the shit she took. He just cleaned behind her. Philip hasn't touched any drugs since he got separated from his mom - except the ecstasy he found in he and Isak's room. 

She shook her head. ''No. It isn't,'' she replied. ''The principal has the proof in his office. That's why we called your parents.'' The woman fiddled on her desk for a moment, looking trough her papers.  It didn't look very tidy. Pile of papers were sticking out of the drawer, reminding Philip of Isak's 'organizing' method. When she found what she was looking for, she left her office, leaving the two boys alone.

Once the door was closed, Even bolted from his seat. ''We need to get you out of here,'' he declared.

Philip sat up on the bed. ''What?! Even, are you crazy? I can't just get out of here. She's probably outside that door, waiting for Helen and Gabe to arrive.'' 

''So? I'm sure we could get past her-'' 

Smiling, Philip shook his head. He never had a friend like Even. Someone who was willing to do anything to get his friend out of trouble. Risky or not. 

''Helen is a _cop_ , she'll get me out of trouble in no time.'' 

He doesn't particularly like Helen but in this situation, Philip is glad that she's his foster mom. If the same thing had happen back in the city, Philip would've found himself in _Juvie_. 

***

  When Helen Torrance arrived at Red Hook, needless to say that her arrival had people turn heads. She was dressed in her cop uniform, having received the school's call while at work. The call had worried her a lot. It's not everyday you get a call from the school saying your son fainted and you need to come by as soon as possible.

Gabe arrived a minute after his wife, explaining that he had been held at work. 

The principal was waiting for them in his office. He send someone to get Philip in the nurse's office, telling Helen and Gabe to take a seat. Helen sat on the left and Gabe on the right, leaving the middle seat for Philip. They sat there in silence, waiting for the brunette teenager to arrive. 

Helen stood the second the door opened and saw Philip walk in, making her way to the boy. He didn't look well. His face was still a little pale but at least he could stand by himself. ''Philip, oh my god, what happened?'' she asked in a worried tone. She went to hug hum but stepped back, knowing she was probably overstepping boundaries. _Baby steps_ , she had to remind herself.

He shrugged. ''I don't really know.'' His voice was light and slow, still not feeling his best. 

''You were alright this morning when I dropped you and Isak at school?'' He shook his head. No. Helen sighed, guilt settling in her guts. She should've noticed Philip wasn't feeling well this morning. She's his 'mom' now, it's her duty to watch if her children are okay. ''Why didn't you tell me this morning that you didn't feel well?'' 

''I thought it would pass...'' 

''But it didn't.'' 

He nodded, his dark brown eyes casted on the floor.

The principal - Mr Smoak - cleared his throat, getting Helen attention. ''Mrs Torrance, we'll start now. I have a meeting in thirty minutes.'' 

She nodded at him. ''Come on, let's sit.'' She put a hand on the teenage boy's shoulder, pulling him toward the seats displayed for them. Philip moved to sit between his foster parents and crossed his arms over his chest. 

''Mrs Torrance, Mr Caldwell,'' the principal greeted politely, shaking their hands real quick before sitting back on his overpriced leather chair. ''After today's incident, we are thinking that your son might be taking drugs.''

Helen and Gabe didn't have to ask Philip to agree or deny what the man was saying, they _knew_ he was in the wrong. ''Philip doesn't take drugs,'' Helen defended, not believing what the man was saying. Philip is a little bit of a troublemaker but he doesn't take drugs. She went trough his stuff when he moved in to make sure he had nothing on him. It was wrong of her to do so but her Sheriff instincts told her to. 

''I doubt my wife would let any drugs under our roof,'' Gabe added. ''I know that with Philip's past it's hard to believe that he doesn't use drugs-'' 

''We have found a bag of narcotics in Mr Shea's locker. There is not better proof.'' 

A scoffing was hear from Helen's side. ''You call that a proof? A baggie with drugs in it? Did you see him taking any?'' she asked. The principal opened his mouth to speak but Helen didn't let him place a word. '' _Anyone_ could've put it in Philip's locker.''

Just like predicted, Helen's cop side will get Philip out of this nonsense. She great at her job, no wonder she's the Sheriff. She doesn't take any shit from anyone when it comes to defending people and law. Don't try to trick her.

Looking down in defeat, Mr Smoak joined his fingers together, forearms resting on his desk. ''I see where you're coming, Mrs Torrance but the words around are saying Philip is selling narcotics to my students.''

''Philip is your student too.'' 

''Yes,'' he agreed. ''But, before he arrived here, the use of drugs was lower-'' 

''So you're saying this is _his_ fault if teenagers are taking drugs? You know I could get you cuffed for saying such accusations, Mr Smoak.'' 

If Philip had been in better shape, he would've smirked. _Tables have turned, Mr Smoak_ , he thought. From the corner of his eye, he could see Gabe trying to hide his proud smile. 

A chuckle escaped the principal's lips, pointing at Helen with a side grin. ''You're a funny one!'' 

Helen was not having it. She was very serious when she talked about him getting cuffed. ''Does it look like I'm laughing?'' Helen questioned, not amusement in her voice. 

With a look at her, the man regained his composure, pulling a serious face. He cleared his throat, his laugh quickly dying. ''Sorry, Mrs Torrance.'' 

''It's _Sheriff_ Torrance for you, Mr Smoak. I think we've crossed a line. I came here as I mother but now, as a mother _and_ a police officer, I have the right to use my job and knowledge to defend my son.''

''I apologize, Mrs- I mean, Sheriff Torrance. I don't want to offend you but-'' 

''Is this why you made me come to your office? To talk about the drugs you supposedly found in Philip's locker? Do I have to remind you that the same teenager fainted not even an hour ago. He needs rest. You should've called one of us to take him _home_ , not to discuss of something your assumed was the truth. The list is getting longer, Mr Smoak...''

Mr Smoak frowned in confusion.''The list?!'' 

Helen nodded. ''If you think I'm going to let this slide, you are so wrong.'' She stood from her seat, tapping Philip's arm lightly. ''We're leaving.'' 

The three of them left the office, leaving a panicked Mr Smoak inside. Gabe had to go back to work, having missed three calls already so Helen was the one who'd be taking Philip home. Philip stopped by his locker to get his bag and stuff and got in the jeep. 

''Thanks, Helen,'' Philip said, buckling his seat-belt.

She started the car and arched an eyebrow. ''What for?'' 

''For defending me. In the office.'' 

Helen smiled at him, shaking her head. ''You don't have to thank me, Philip. This is what family is for. We support and defend each other.'' 

***

  When Philip woke up from his nap, he saw Isak sitting on the other bed, watching some movie on the laptop on low volume. The light was turned off but he could see the younger boy's face from the light of the screen. 

''Hey,'' Philip said, rubbing his eyes tiredly.  

Isak turned at the sound of his voice, pausing the movie when he saw Philip was awake. ''Do you feel better?''

Philip blinked a few times, adjusting to the darkness of the bedroom. ''A little, yeah,'' he replied, not wanting to worry his little brother too much. He's still tired as hell but at least he doesn't feel dizzy. 

''Sorry for not telling you what happened. Again.'' 

''It's okay. Even texted me saying you fainted at lunch.'' 

Frowning, Philip sat up. ''Even? _Even_ texted you?'' 

Isak nodded. ''We've been talking a little. He's a cool guy.''

Even? A cool guy? Cool isn't enough to describe how awesome he is. Even is more than that. He's funny, spontaneous, creative, caring... You can't ask for better friend than Even Bech Næsheim. ''There's no one like him, uh,'' Philip chuckled, thinking about his blonde friend. ''What time is it?''

The blinds were shut and his phone was god knows where on the floor, probably dead by now. Isak was home from school so it must be later than four. ''Almost nine.'' 

His eyes widen in shock. '' _Nine_?!'' 

That means Philip slept eight hours but inside, he feels like he slept for five fucking minutes. 

''You missed dinner. I wanted to wake you but Helen said not to.'' 

''Oh.'' 

''She made you a plate in the fridge if you're hungry.''

Food. Sounds like a good idea. Philip hasn't eaten anything today. He felt like shit this morning and at lunch too. Just the idea of eating made him want to vomit. Now, food makes his stomach rumbles so he better go and put food in his stomach before he dies of hunger. 

The world was spinning for a few seconds when he stood from his bed. He stood up too fast, Philip convinced himself. He glanced at Isak to see if he witnessed his small malaise. Isak didn't seem to notice and Philip was glad. He doesn't want him to worry about him. He's _fine_.

As Philip crossed the doorway to head to the kitchen, Isak's phone beeped. 

[From: Even]

_Aren't you the cutest?_

Isak was quick to type a reply. 

[To: Even]

_What the hell?! Who took this picture of me!!_

It wasn't an ugly picture of him. On the contrary. Isak looked good, really good. He was smiling and seemed happy on the cliché. The blonde was wearing a grey snapback, a red scarf and a green bomber. 

The picture had probably been taken this morning when he was talking with the boys outside. Mahdi had teased him about wearing a green jacket and a red scarf, saying he looked like a Christmas tree but Isak was quick to make a come back which had Jonas and Magnus burst laughing.

[From: Even]

_Courtesy of Even Bech Næsheim, of course ;-)_

[From: Even]

_I took it this morning._

[To: Even]

_That's creepy, Even..._

[From: Even]

_Is not! I had a reason to take this picture, I promise! I needed a picture of you to put as your contact, you never takes any selfies. (Yes, I did stalk your Instagram ^^)_

A contact picture? Really Even? That's all you have for excuse?

Isak opened the camera app on his phone and snapped a picture of himself, sending it to the older boy. 

[To: Even]

_Here, just for you <3_

Chuckling to himself at the unflattering selfie/funny face, Isak's face quickly changing to panic when he noticed the heart he just sent at the end of his text. No, no, _no_. He was about to send Even another text, saying the heart just got there by mistake but a text from Even came in.  

[From: Even]

_You look dashing tonight, Isak <3_

Isak relaxed, smiling because Even sent a heart back. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Philkas scenes have been lacking but I promis they'll be back very soon (next chapter!). 
> 
> Thoughts on Lukas wanting to see Philip after he fainted to see if he was okay? Being worried about him? Do you think Philip said the truth? That he didn't take anything? What do you think happened? Thoughts on Helen defending him and not letting anyone step on her feet? Evak texting? Even taking a 'creepy' picture of Isak? Them flirting a little?


	15. Chapter fourteen: Don't say that

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I worked really, really hard on this chapter - mostly the second scene. It takes me a lot of time to write a long scene as I struggle with my concentration and am easily distracted (I'm always off somewhere else, on another website, social media or youtube). Please leave kudos and let me know what you think of this chapter, all feedback is apreciated and I read you ALL, xx

  Friday morning, Philip found Lukas waiting by his locker. Okay, he wasn't exactly by his locker, more hiding behind some row of locker by Philip's locker. Philip was about to unlock his locker to put his stuff in when he heard a whistle. He ignored it, thinking it was people being rude and whistling at girls in the hallways.

It was not.

The whistling was heard again but this time, it was louder and seemed closer. Philip looked around and saw a familiar blonde head behind some lockers. Lukas's blue irises were looking straight at him before he motioned for the brunette to come over.

Sighing, Philip abandoned his locker and joined Lukas. ''I'm not some dog, you don't have to whistle at me to get my attention. You can say my name too, I'll understand that you're talking to me.'' There was a little bitterness in his voice but Lukas was too happy to see that Philip was _okay_ to notice. 

Lukas grabbed Philip's hand, squeezing before releasing it as quick as he took it. ''I know, I just- I didn't think.'' Lukas bite his lip before continuing. ''All I had in mind when I saw you in the hallways was- How are you feeling? Are you okay?''

''I'm as okay as a teenager can be. Why did you ask?'' 

''But yesterday-'' Lukas protested, only to be cut off by Philip. 

''I'm _fine_ , Lukas,'' he hissed. 

The brunette has lost track of how many time he's been asked that question since he fainted. It's nice to see that people care about him but he doesn't want people breathing down his back. He's not a small child, he can take care of himself. 

''You should've called to say you were okay.''

''I owe you nothing Lukas. We're _not_ dating.'' 

Lukas gulped. He didn't want to make Philip mad, he was just worried about him but the brunette didn't see it like that. ''You haven't replied my texts. I thought were were good.'' 

Philip only read Lukas's texts this morning after he woke up. His phone was dead last night and he was too lazy and tired to plug it. When it turned on, a range of  'Are you okay?' and 'Philip, I'm worried' filled the small screen. He liked knowing that Lukas was worried, it means he cares about him. 

''And I thought you weren't ashamed of me anymore...'' 

Lukas looked down at his feet as guilt filled his guts. ''It's tough for me, Philip. I wish I could hang out and talk to you so openly at school. I wish I was brave enough to tell people to fuck off...or break up with Rose.''

''Being seen with me won't label you as gay, Lukas.''

''I know...'' His voice was soft and sad. ''People at school talks and...I don't want them to talkshit about me because of-'' He stopped himself, unable to say the word.

''There's always gonna people who talkshit in your back, that's the way people are.''

''People doesn't want me to be... _that_.'' 

'' _Gay_. Lukas, gay. Fucking say it. No one's going to throw you in jail for saying the word gay.'' Philip rolled his eyes at Lukas's ridiculousness. 

''I know, I'm not stupid!'' Lukas snapped, his jaw clenching, feeling the water boil inside his body. 

Lukas doesn't like when people tells him the truth about himself. He tried to blame his reaction on Philip supposedly saying he was stupid when in reality, what he didn't like was Philip saying he was gay. He doesn't want to face the truth. So he denies it and act like Philip is saying some nonsense. 

''You _can't_ be loved by everyone. That's impossible. Stop searching for approval and live your life. Who cares if you doesn't have the highest grade in your English class? Who cares if you like girls or guys? Who cares if you wear red shoes or not?'' Taking a pause, Philip looked up at the blonde. ''Lukas, the only person who is not cool with this is _you_. You need to accept yourself.''

Finding yourself is a part of being a teenager. A part of growing up. Everybody goes trough that although some have it harder than others. It's not easy to love yourself. It's not easy to accept something that you don't want, something that's a part of you, something you _can't_ change. Pushing away or ignoring the truth will only make things worse. You need to realize that you aren't going to change anything by putting yourself down; you'll only feel down about yourself and this is _not_ the way to acceptance.

''It's hard.'' Lukas sighed and pressed his back against the lockers. ''How did you do it?''

Raising an eyebrow, Philip looked at him. ''Do what?'' 

''You know...'' He cleared his throat and gulped, struggling to say it. ''Accept being...gay.''

Philip shrugged. ''I don't know. I just told my mom recently that I was gay and it helped a lot. My mom and I are very close and her opinion matters a lot to me.''

Lukas was a little jealous of Philip's relationship with his mother. They seem so close. He wished he had a relationship like this with his father.

''I could never tell my dad. He wouldn't like it.'' 

''And your mom?''

At the mention of his mom, a mask of sadness casted itself on Lukas's face. ''She's...she died when I was a kid.''

Oh. Philip didn't know about her death. If so, he would never have brought the subject. He gave Lukas an apologetic look. ''Sorry. Lukas, I didn't-''

Lukas shook his head. ''I..I have to go. I'm gonna be late for English.'' 

Philip knew Lukas was using his English course as a an excuse to not talk about his mom and felt ten times more guilty for bring up the subject. Although he'd like to know more about Mrs Waldenbeck - was it her name? - Philip doesn't want to risk asking about her again. The look on Lukas's face when he mentioned her tugged at his heart and told him her death had been a hard on the motocross rider. 

***

  Balancing friendship and relationship isn't always easy. As much as Isak wants to hang out with the boy squad and game all weekend at Jonas's sleepover, he also wants to see Even and spend lots and  _lots_ of time with him. Even is like the new toy you'd get when you were a kid, the one you wanted to have for so long and once you finally have it, you never want to stop playing with it. That's Even for Isak. Except he doesn't see the older boy as a _toy_.

On Saturday, Isak woke up to a text from Even. Eyes barely opened, still in a sleepy mood, a smile tugged at his lips the second he saw the four letter on his phone's screen. He didn't care what the text was saying. Anything from Even makes him smile. 

[From: Even]

_Hey hey, it's Saturday! Seeing you today would brighten my day <3 _

It's been like this since they kissed in the locker room. Even sending him cute texts and Isak tying to send some back - and failing miserably. It's the thought that counts, right?

He send a few heart emojis to Even, putting his phone on his bed before heading to the shower. He can't go to Even's smelling like sweat, he needs to smell extra good for his boy. Wait, Even is _not_ his boy, they haven't made things official yet although the texts says otherwise... Ugh, relationships are so confusing.

After his shower, Isak put on his snapback, too lazy to brush his hair and deal with the tangly mess and looked for fresh clothes. He can't wear his smelly gym tee shirt or socks that's been on the floor for a week. Hell no. 

Sending a quick apology texts to Jonas, Isak grabbed his jacket and headed for the door, telling Helen he'd be back for dinner. She didn't question him or ask where he was going, only nodding to let him know it was okay. 

The smile on Even's face when Isak stood on his doorstep was worth ditching the squad. His grin was so big and he was quick to pull Isak into a bone crushing hug. Isak tensed at first, not used to that kind of physical touch yet; Even totally took him by surprise. 

''Holla,'' Even said, planting a quick kiss on Isak's lips. He pulled away, still looking at the younger boy standing before him. ''You looking good today,'' he added, brushing the pad of his thumb on Isak's cheek. 

Isak smiled sideways before looking down, a light blush coating his cheeks. Lucky for him, he could say it's because of the weather, it's quite cold today. 

''Thanks...'' he trailed, not knowing what to say. Should he compliment him back? If so, what should he say? That he has pretty eyes? No, that's unoriginal, Even must have been told that before. His hair? This up-do must take him a long time to perfect in the morning. Or-

''What are you waiting for, come inside. I don't want you to freeze off.'' Even pulled Isak inside, closing the door behind him. ''I was watching a movie before you arrived, wanna finish it with me?'' 

''Yeah, what is it?''

''Romeo and Juliet.'' 

Isak was skeptical when Even said the title of the movie,unsure if the blonde was joking or not. When he stepped in Even's room, he found out that the older boy was _not_ joking and actually watching Romeo and Juliet on his laptop.

They found themselves on Even's floor, his bed being too small for them both. It's not their fault if they are tall and cannot fit in the single bed. They could fit but one of them would probably fall over and hurt himself.  Even put some camping mats on the floor underneath the blanket to make their new 'bed' comfortable and added as much pillows as possible. 

Isak felt awkward. He didn't know what to do. Should he cuddle against Even? Or stay on his side? He never watched a movie with someone - other than Philip or his mother -, this is very new to him. _All_ of this is very new. The kissing, the compliments, the hugging- 

Isak's body went rigid when he felt Even's chest touch his back and his warm breath against this neck. Even snaked an arm over Isak's stomach, pulling him closer. His hand found his and they laced their fingers together, bring them up to Isak's heart. 

The first morning Isak woke up in Tivoli, Gabe had made delicious pancakes. Isak swore they were the best thing in the world. The perfect level of soft and sweet - and drown in syrup. But since then, something - of should he say, _someone_ \- came into his life and Gabe's pancakes went down a step. _Everything_ with Even feels like the best thing in the world. He gives the best kisses - although Isak doesn't have a lot to compare them with... His hugs are always so comforting and loving; Even hugs with all his body and soul. 

With Even, it's always all or nothing. So Isak he went full cuddle and draped his whole body around his. He went as far as taking off Isak's snapback so he could fit his head on the younger boy's shoulder without being hit in the face with the hard bill. Isak would usually protest because a) his hair are not looking their best underneath it and b) not one touch his hats but not this time because if that's what it takes for his crush to cuddle with him, then be it.

The movie ended and Isak was quick to wipe away the drop of water that slipped from his right eye before Even could see. He didn't want him to know he cried over a movie, that's dumb. Girls cries and get emotional over movies, not boys.  

But Even already saw it. 

''I saw it, you cried! Don't hide from me, I saw it!'' 

''I did _not_ ,'' he protested, shaking his head. 

Even gave him a pointed look, raising his eyebrows like he always does. They stared at each otehr for a moment, holding each other's gaze until Even grabbed Isak's face, holding him in place and kissed his cheek as the latter tried pushing him away. ''You're so cute.'' 

''You liked the movie, didn't you? It's a beautiful love story.''

''Beautiful? I'd say it's more sad and tragic than beautiful,'' Isak argued, clearly not sharing Even's opinion. ''They died.''

''Yeah, but they died _together._ That's what makes their love story so beautiful.''

''I think it's selfish and unrealistic. No one is willing to die for love; no one should commit suicide for love. This is insane.''

Even watched Isak talking. It was difficult for him to hear Isak say things like that about suicide and love. It made him wonder; does Isak believes in love? True love. Unconditional love. Shakespeare's story is pure fiction but over the years, the man's epic work became reality. Some people _did_ commit suicide to be with their lover. 

Switching his position, Even laid on his back and like a magnet, Isak followed and put his head on the older boy's chest. Even kissed his forehead, brushing his hair away from his face. ''All epic love stories are tragic, that's what makes them so epic.''

Knitting his eyebrows together, Isak looked up and watched Even's face. He wanted to dig deeper into his words but Isak was afraid it would ruin the mood. Instead, he brushed his nose against's Even's, sharing eskimo kisses. 

It was peaceful in Even's bedroom. The laptop had been shut and put away after the movie ended, leaving the room in a complete silence as they cuddled on their makeshift bed. Isak couldn't ask for anything better. Laying here, in Even's arms, sharing kisses and soft touches; he was in heaven.   

If only they could stop time right now...  

Even smiled, noticing Isak slowly coming out of his shell. Before today, he would never initiate a kiss or anyhting that could pass as gay behavior. Even was always the one to make the first move. _Always_. He doesn't mind; Isak is young, he's probably shy. That's why Even want to take things slow with him and make Isak feel comfortable around him. 

''What do you want to do today?'' Even asked, his fingers brushing away Isak's blonde hair off his face so he could see his green eyes. 

''I'm quite content right now,'' Isak mumbled, nuzzling against Even, his left hand resting at the back of Even's neck, playing with the short strands at the bottom.

Pleased with Isak's answer, Even kissed his forehead, between his eyebrows. ''I wish we could stay forever like this. Just  _us._ '' 

Isak chuckled, rolling away from Even's embrace. ''You'd get tired of me.'' 

Eyebrows knitted into a frown, Even pushed his body closer to Isak's, not liking the distance between them. Isak's was facing the wall, his back to Even. Carefully, Even put his hand on the younger boy's back, drawing various patterns over his grey hoodie. ''Never,'' he said, sounding like a promise. 

Even _hates_  promises, he never makes promises. He doesn't see the point of making promises if you're going to break them anyway. They're just false hopes and giving someone false hopes is cruel. Why promising pretty things to someone just to make them happy and then crush said happiness? 

Biting his lip, Isak slowly turned around, his eyes meeting Even's blue ones. Even's hand remained on his back and Isak couldn't help but lean into his touch. ''Are you real? Or is my mind tricking me?'' Isak paused, gathering his thoughts together before speaking again. ''No one ever picked interest in me before. Like, ever. When you kissed me the other day, I thought I was dreaming.''

Pushing his head away, Even raised his eyebrows. ''You dream about me?'' Groaning, Isak hide his face in Even's shoulder in embarassement. Chuckling fondly, Even held Isak tighter against him, looking at him as if he were the most precious thing in the world. 

 _I dream about you too_ , Even wanted to say.

''I know we were high and that's probably why I felt like that...but, I'm not high right now and I still feel the same,'' Isak continued. ''I-I'm scared that one day I'll wake up and you won't be there. That all this was just a... _dream_.'' 

Sensing the fear in the boy's words, Even wanted to reassure him, kiss him all over and say it's not a dream and everything is real but would that be enough to make Isak believe he isn't dreaming? 

''What if, I say I feel the same?'' 

Isak's head snapped up, watching Even attentively, trying to see if he was messing with him or not. Or maybe he was playing him? The idea of Even being with him just for fun or as an experiment was still floating somewhere in his brain. Even's face was blank, making it difficult for Isak to read him. 

Even brushed away the crease on Isak's eyebrow. ''I think that's enough deep talking for today, don't you?'' Isak hummed, tilting his head up to kiss Even softly. There was no rush in their kiss, just lips caressing each other. 

***

    He's not gonna lie, Philip didn't plan spending his Saturday with Gabe. He only agreed to accompany him to Poughkeepsie to pick up a furniture. Gabe told him it'd take two hours tops and he would've been right if the damn truck didn't broke down on their way back...

''I don't think there's signal here,'' Philip told his foster dad as the latter tried to call for help on his phone. 

''I do have signal,'' Gabe said. ''It's just too weak. I lose it after five seconds.''  He tried a few more times but it wasn't working. ''Come help me,'' Gabe said, getting out of the truck, decided to repair the vehicle himself.  Bo taught him a few things over the years, maybe it's time to put them to work.

Philip's eyes widen. ''What?!'' He shook his head, laughing. ''I don't know shit about trucks...'' 

Gabe smiled and motioned for him to follow. ''I'll show you.''

What could've been a foster son/foster dad bonding time turned into a catastrophe. Mechanics is _not_ his thing. Philip did everything wrong and managed to pluck out a chord that must be very important because now, the truck was not working at all. And the funniest is, Philip doesn't remember where the he took the chord.

Seeing it was a lost cause, Gabe closed the front of the truck. ''I hope you have strong legs, Philip?'' 

Strong legs? 

The teenager gave him a weird glance, raising an eyebrow. ''Uh?''

They walked for what felt like hours until they finally found a garage that could repair the truck. Philip almost cried when Gabe announced him that the truck wouldn't be ready until tomorrow and they had to take a room at the motel across the street. He had plans with Lukas in the afternoon - okay, he didn't have any but he was planning on texting the blonde and try making plans with him. 

''Are you hungry? I'll get us something for lunch-'' Gabe checked his watch. ''More like dinner.'' 

''Anything is fine,'' Philip replied. 

Gabe handed Philip the key card. ''Take the key, I'll fetch us something to eat.'' 

Philip fell on the bed, almost moaning when his back hit the mattress. Fucking finally. His legs are killing him and his feet are wet from walking in puddles a few times on accident. It's not his fault if he's so distraught.

He toes off his shoes, grimacing at his cold, wet socks. He took them off and turned on the old heater, placing them on it and leaving them to dry. Philip pulled out his phone, checking if he had signal. A smile spread across his face when he saw the four bars on the left corner. _Yes_. 

A text from Lukas was waiting for him on his home screen. Philip was a little surprised to see a text from the blonde because the last time they spoke, Lukas was pretty upset. Philip still feels bad for bringing up Lukas's mom but it's not his fault, he didn't know.

[From: Lukas] 

_Hey, Philip! I found this new spot where we could film. There's a massive jump and even a lake. I think it'd look cool on camera. We should go tonight!_

Of course, the day Lukas finally texts him to hang out, he has to be stuck in the middle of nowhere, miles away from Lukas. It's not really the middle of nowhere but that what Philip calls the small cities he doesn't know. That's how they feel to him. 

[To: Lukas]

_I can't. I'm stuck in this shitty motel..._

[From: Lukas]

_Motel? What are you doing in a motel?_

Philip explained the situation and Lukas thought it was hilarious. 

[From: Lukas]

_Seriously, how did you manage to do that? I'll have to teach you about cars and stuff, Philip..._

A knock on the door got Philip's attention. He looked up and saw Gabe waiting outside, food in hands. He had given the room key to Philip so he couldn't get in. Philip put his phone down on the bed and stood, about to open the door when all of a sudden, the room was spinning and he could feel himself loosing balance. 

 _No, no, no_ , Philip thought. _This can't be happening again_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts on Philkas's chat at school? Evak watching movies together? Philip being an idiot and breaking the truck even more? Lukas waiting to teach Philip mecanic?


	16. Chapter fifteen: It's complicated

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I asked for feedback but by feedback, I didn't mean to write me a detailed novel about how I should make my book. I'm all about constructive critic but this was just you complaining about everything you didn't like in my book. If you don't like what I write, write a book yourself. I'm not being paid for this, I do it for fun. Because I like writing. I know I make a lot of spelling/grammar mistakes but english isn't my first language and I learned english almost all by myself. 
> 
> Sorry for another rant. Let's move on to this new chapter!

  The first thing Philip noticed was the stinging pain in his arm. He scrunched his face in discomfort, slowly peering his eyes open. The bright neon of the hospital room had him blinking a couple times until he could see properly. He looked down and stared at the IV planted in his arm. Must be where the pain came from. 

Isak was sitting in a chair, smiling and texting someone on his phone despite being prohibited; something to do with their fancy medical equipment. The boy was very into his conversation because it took him a few seconds to see his big brother was awake. Despite being in a hospital bed, Philip couldn't help but wonder who is making Isak smile like that but, right now isn't the moment to ask.

''You fainted, again.'' Isak scooted his chair closer to the bed as Philip sat up straighter in the restricting hospital bed. ''Helen and Gabe are worried. _I_ 'm worried.'' 

''It's nothing to wo-''

''Stop saying that,'' Isak scolded, putting his phone on his lap, ignoring the buzzing of a new incoming text. ''You fainted two times in less than three days; it's _not_ okay. I know you're saying you're fine so I don't worry about you but, I'm not a kid anymore, stop treating me like one. I get it if you don't want to tell me what's going on but please, don't keep everything in. Look where it got you.'' 

Worrying his little brother was the last thing Philip wanted. But it happened and Philip hates himself for that. 

Philip turned away from Isak, giving him the message that he didn't want to talk to him. Sighing, Isak stood, the uncomfortable plastic chair scrapping on the floor. ''I'll get the nurse and tell them you woke up.'' 

When Gabe arrived with Philip at the nearest hospital, he had been declined to see him, saying he wasn't family. He argued with the doctors that Philip was fostering with him and his wife and technically was their son but they weren't having it. They said the only family members registered were Anne Shea and Isak Shea. 

So he called Helen and told her to get down to the hospital _and_ to bring Isak with her. He wasn't done fighting for his rights, Philip is under his care and Helen is on her way with the papers to prove it. They could call they social services but that would be a hassle and they'd question Gabe and Helen's parental abilities because it's not normal for a seventeen years old teenager to faint like that. 

Isak was able to see Philip as soon as he arrived but because he was minor, the doctor couldn't inform him on Philip's situation which angered Helen. She was so pissed at the hospital that Gabe had to calm her down, saying that getting mad at them wouldn't solve the problem. So they sent Isak with Philip while the adults tried to solve this unfortunate problem in a civilized and respectful way.

Soon after Isak left the hospital room, a nurse walked in, flashing a kind smile at Philip but the latter didn't see, his face still turned toward the window. ''Good evening, Mr Shea. How are you feeling?'' She checked his IV and went to the other side of the bed so she could see his face. ''I know you probably doesn't want to be here right now but your...father?'' she hesitated, unsure what to call Gabe yet, ''did the right thing by bringing you here.'' 

Philip huffed. He doesn't like hospitals. They brings bad memories to his head; things he did not want to mentally re-live. 

''I know it sucks to be in the hospital and that teenagers have better things to do but it's for your own good, Mr Shea. Fainting is a serious thing, it never happens out of nowhere. There's _always_ a reason.'' 

The nurse left and Philip pushed his head deep into the pillows and closed his eyes, a sigh leaving his parted lips. He didn't want to admit it but his health was starting to worry him a little. Philip never fainted before. Ever. Why is it happening now? 

The first time he fainted, Philip didn't feel good in the morning, it wasn't too surprising. He was light headed, his body temperature was doing roller coasters, had trouble concentrating on voices; he could feel himself slowly loosing consciousness. 

But, at the motel, he didn't have any symptoms. 

A man in mid forties walked into the room, closing the door behind him. ''Hello, Mr Shea, I'm Dr Clarks,'' the man presented himself, walking into Philip's room. ''My colleague told me you weren't very talkative - not to say mute. I hope to change that because I have a couple questions to ask you.'' The doctor moved the chair to sit in front of Philip. He was wearing with a white sarrau over his dress shirt and tie, looking a little overdressed to work in a hospital in Philip's opinion. ''Your file says you were administered here after fainting, am I right? Do you have any idea of the cause, perhaps?'' Philip didn't reply, he continue fixing the wall. ''There are a lot of syncope causes, going from severe dehydration, hypotension, medication, hunger, anemia, anxiety... So much possibilities.'' 

Dr Clarks is patient doctor, Philip isn't the first difficult patient he was handed. There's worst cases than Philip. People who puts tantrums, chemo patients who are afraid of needles... A non cooperating, selectively mute teenager is nothing.

''The man who brought you here gave me a brief resume of your day which was very helpful. We won't have to do a handful of tests. Have you eaten today?'' Philip nodded. ''Good. What did you eat? If you don't get enough good nutrients in your body, it's likely to faint.''

''Pancakes.'' 

The doctor smiled, finally getting a word out of Philip. ''Anything else?'' 

''Coffee?'' he said, sounding more like a question because, coffee isn't food but, he did drink it this morning - a lot. ''Gabe was getting food when it happened.'' 

''Do you take any medication? Prescription or not.''

Philip clenched his jaw, narrowing his eyes at the man. ''Why does everyone thinks I'm taking drugs?!'' he asked trough gritted teeth, sick of everyone jumping to conclusion and assuming he takes drugs. 

Dr Clarks apologized. ''I didn't mean to upset you, it's a routine question, Mr Shea. The more we cross off the list, the cleanest the diagnosis will be.'' Glancing down at his paper, the man crossed the medication off the checklist, getting to the next one. ''Do you sleep well at night? How many hours of sleep do you get?'' 

Philip shrugged, arms still crossed over his chest. ''I don't know. It's not something I keep up with.'' The doctor looked at him, waiting for an answer. Furrowing his eyebrows in concentration, he replied, ''six, maybe?'' 

''Every day?''

''No. That was a _week_.''

You're supposed to get seven to nine hours of sleep every nights but sometimes, you stay up finishing a school project, spend the night partying with your friends or simply binge watch your tv show of the moment. A late night here and there won't have any lasting effects beyond the fatigue you feel the next day. It's when you skimp on sleep night after night that it becomes a real problem.

Your body needs to recharge and can only do so when you _sleep_. If your body doesn't recharge enough, it's only fair that it collapse, lacking of energy and forcing you to 'sleep'. Think of your body as your phone's battery. If you don't plug it into the charger, it'll shut down at some point. The same goes with the human body. 

 ''Sleep deprivation?'' Gabe repeated, arching an eyebrow at the doctor. 

After some major arguments with the hospital, Helen and Gabe were allowed to see Philip, just in time for the diagnosis.

Helen stood beside her husband. ''You should've told us you had trouble sleeping. Is your bed not comfortable?'' 

Philip rolled his eyes, something the Shea brothers both master. ''I'm not five. I don't have to tell you if I can't sleep at night.''

''Hey, don't roll your eyes at me! This is serious, Philip,'' Helen said, her voice going up a few octaves. ''You can't keep going like that. Sleep deprivation is serious.'' 

Gabe put his hand on Helen's shoulder, subtly telling her to calm down because yelling and getting angry doesn't solve anything. Gabe glanced at Philip before turning to the doctor. ''Is there anything we can do? He can't keep going like this.'' 

''Before prescribing you some sleeping pills, I need to try and see if we can solve the problem without them.'' Philip frowned at the doctor. The man sat down on his chair again, crossing his hands over the white folder on his lap. ''Philip, is there something bothering you? Something that could keep you from sleeping. At school? At home?''

He shook his head but Dr Clark saw his hesitating. ''It's okay if you don't want to talk about it but you shouldn't be keeping everything inside. Maybe you should talk to someone? Is there a friend you could talk to? Or, maybe your brother? I saw him in the waiting room earlier-''

Philip made a face when Isak was mentioned. _Isak_? Is he fucking nuts? Philip isn't gonna talk about his problems with Isak. He told him he'd be there for him if he ever needed someone to talk to but that only goes for when little brothers needs to talk. Not the other way around. It's weird. 

''Dr Clarks is right. Talking helps,'' Gabe added, his eyes landing on Philip's laying frame on the hospital bed. He gave him a soft smile as if to tell him that he can come to him if he wants. Philip appreciated the open door.

 ''And if not, we might consider sleeping pills. But, for now, they are not an option.''

***

  Saturday night, Lukas went to a party with Rose, not feeling like staying home with his dad. He was hoping to hang out with Philip and film some new footage for his channel but the latter has stopped responding. Between his motocross training and helping his dad with the farm, he doesn't have much time to see his friends other than at school. They were all surprised and very happy to see him at Wyatt's house. 

''Lukas! I haven't seen you in ages,'' Carl said, pulling Lukas in a bro hug. 

''Yeah, I know. I was busy with training and stuff,'' Lukas replied, accepting the beer his friend handed him. He opened the cap and took a long swig. 

''Was starting to think you were too cool for parties now,'' the guy teased, making allusion to Lukas's fourth place in last year's championship. Everyone at school thought it was awesome but to Lukas's, the fourth place was not impressive. It was even a little lame. 

Lukas laughed, shaking his head. 

Max and Eliot soon made their way over after seeing Lukas. Max moved to the city after graduating, now attending NYU, needless to say Lukas was happy to see him tonight. He and Max have been friends since forever, literally - their moms were best friends in high school. 

''I saw your videos on YouTube, good job, man!'' Max congratulated. ''Did Rose take some courses?'' 

Lukas shook his head, about to explain that someone else films him but Rose had other plans. She tugged on Lukas's arm, pulling Lukas on the side. ''Can we go upstairs?'' she asked, hope in her eyes as she slipped a hand underneath Lukas's tee shirt.

''Now?'' Rose nodded. ''Can't it wait? Max and I were-'' 

'' _Lukas_ ,'' she insisted, her hand going down, past the waistband of his pants, her fingers grazing the top of his boxers. ''Let's go upstairs.''

''Oh. Oh, _oh_!'' Lukas's eyes widen as he realized what she was trying to say, feeling stupid for not realizing sooner. It's not his fault, the alcohol is slowing his brain, okay? ''Erm, yeah. Yeah, sure. Let's go.'' Lukas waved at his friends and followed the brunette girl upstairs. 

The second floor was filled with drunk teenagers making out. In the hallway, against walls or in rooms. Wyatt's house isn't that big so finding an empty room was a little difficult but once they found one, Rose pulled him in and shut the door, only then releasing his hand. 

She kissed him hard, pushing him against's the closed door. He kissed back, pulling her against him by her waist, their lower body flushed, only clothes separating them. As they kissed, Rose's hand had found her way back to her boyfriend's pants, massaging him trough his jeans. Lukas moaned at the touch. He pushed against her hand, wanting  more. 

Rose pulled away from the kiss and smiled, starting to undress Lukas . She started with his flannel, letting it fall on the ground, followed by his tee shirt. She ran a hand up his torse, feeling his flat stomach and chest. Lukas found her lips and attached them together, kissing her. This time, Lukas tried to not compare her to Philip. Not her kisses, not her hands, nothing. It did't go too well last time and almost wants able to keep his hard on unless he thought about Philip... Awkward. 

What she doesn't know won't hurt her, right?

The temperature of the room definitely went up a few degrees as Rose started kissing his neck and down his chest. Lukas couldn't help the little sounds coming from his mouth. ''So, are you gonna blow me again?'' he asked between two breaths. 

She shook her head, kissing him. ''No. I want the real stuff.'' With that, Rose gripped the hem of her top and pulled it over her head, her bra being the only thing that covered her upper body and Lukas gulped. Oh god. 

Rose was a lot more eager to have sex than Lukas as she pushed his back until the back of his legs hit the bed and they fell on it, continuing making out.

It was going great. For the first _ten_ minutes. 

Then, it all went down. Literally. 

''I don't understand...I'm really sorry,'' Lukas apologized, pulling his pants up. ''Maybe it was the alcohol?'' 

Lukas knew it wasn't the alcohol that made his boner go away. It was _her_. But, he can't say that. She'll be complexed and think she's ugly or something. She's not. Rose is a beautiful girl but, Lukas prefers _Philip_. Not boys, just Philip. 

Rose clasped her bra on, still sitting on the bed. ''Yeah, maybe.'' She didn't know how to feel. Should she be upset about the situation? He said it was the alcohol but he only had _one_ beer, it can't be that. Was it because she wasn't attractive enough to Lukas's eyes? ''Is...is it me? Am I not enough for you?''

''No. No, it's not that, you're really pretty,'' he assured her in a monotone voice. How convincing...

Rose wasn't stupid. She didn't believe him. She knew he was lying. She's had boyfriends before. No matter how nice they are, the all _lie_. That's how they are. Guys lie. Afterward they feel guilty and start drowning you with compliments. 

If only she knew why Lukas was lying... 

***

  The best word to describe Philip and Lukas's situation is,  _complicated_. You know, that one relationship status that's problematic on Facebook? Yeah, that's the one. Neither of them knows what's going on or where their relationship is heading. It's a blur of mixed signals and unfinished conversations. One second they're kissing and the next, they're fighting over something - mostly Rose or Lukas's denial of his homosexuality. 

The easiest would be to put an end to this but that's not what the boys want. Lukas likes Philip and vice versa; he just has trouble coming to terms with himself and accepting who he is. 

Philip was outside, sitting on the porch when he heard Lukas's bike roaring. He just finished cleaning he and Isak's room - he's suck a lazy ass, he didn't even help - and was now taking some fresh air as an excuse to not help with folding the laundry. Cleaning Isak's mess is enough work. 

And, he didn't want to admit it but, cleaning his and Isak's room made him a little tired but if he's said so, Helen and Gabe would've made Isak clean their room and Isak doesn't clean. He doesn't even know what a fucking broom is. 

He's sleep deprived, not helpless. 

The motor bike pulled into the driveway, stopping right by the stairs. ''You don't answer your phone anymore?'' Lukas said, taking off his helmet and walking up on the porch. ''I got some ace news this morning.''

Philip raised an eyebrow, only now noticing the grin on the blonde's face. If Lukas is smiling like that, it must be a really good news. 

''I got an email from this guy. I thought it was a stunt or spam - whatever - because he's like, really known in the motocross world. But it wasn't. It's really him. He saw my videos- _our_ videos online and, he'd like to meet me. I emailed him back and I just got his reply.''

You can tell Lukas really loves motocross because whenever he talk about it, he gets all happy and it's cute. ''And?'' Philip looked at him, giving him a look as to say 'go on'.

''So, I have a race coming soon and...I'd like you to come.'' Lukas was still smiling as he waited for Philip's reaction. He drove all the way her to tell him in person, knowing Philip'd get him but he didn't get the reaction he was hoping for. 

''Me?'' Philip laughed, pointing at himself with his finger. ''You want _me_ to come to your race?''

Lukas frowned, not knowing what was funny. ''Erm, yeah?''

''Rose couldn't be there? Is that why you asked me?'' 

''No... I asked you because I want you to be there. With me.''

Philip still wasn't convinced. There must be a catch. There's always one. ''Where's this race at?''

''Florida. I have to ask my dad for his truck-''

''Ah, I see now.'' Lukas frowned. ''You don't have a problem being seen around in another state but in Tivoli, the town you live and were born in, hell no.''

''What the fuck are you on about? That's not why I asked you. I didn't even think about that. I asked you because motocross is _our_ thing. People think I only do motocross as a hobbies but I want a real career in motocross. They don't understand how much I love it and doesn't think I can make it my job and earn money from racing. But you do. You believe in me. To you, I'm not just this crazy guy who do cool tricks with his bike.''

The house door opened just as Philip was about to say something. It took him a moment to take in Lukas's speech and find something to say back. But of course Helen had to chose this moment to step out on the porch.  ''Philip, can you- Oh, hi?'' She was surprised to see another boy on the porch with her foster son. Helen looked at Philip with raised eyebrows. ''I didn't know you invited someone over.'' 

Lukas looked up at the door, his eyes widening when he saw a familiar face. ''Your mom is the sheriff?'' Lukas whispered, trying to be subtle but Helen heard him. ''Hi, Sheriff,'' Lukas said, suddenly changing behavior and Philip found it hilarious of crisped and frightened he looked.

She nodded at him. ''Who's this?''

'' _Lukas_. He's my...friend.'' Philip didn't know what to refer Lukas as. He said friend because he knew Lukas wouldn't feel comfortable with any other status. It's complicated. They weren't boyfriends nor fuck buddies but, friends was still not quite what they were. It was more than that. 

It's... _complicated_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going away on Thursday - till Sunday - and I won't be able to write/update during that time. I'll try posting a new chapter when I come back, the next on should be easier to write. Don't forget to leave comments and kudos, xx
> 
> Thoughts on Philip being sleep deprived? Isak smiling down at his phone? (who was he texting? ;) ) Lukas unable to get it up for Rose? Lukas inviting Philip to his upcoming race? Helen meeting Lukas? Lukas being scared of her? XD


	17. Chapter sixteen: The Even curse

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Something really sad happened last night: ALL my work has been deleted. I was about to post it and then it disappeared, what?! So I had to retype everything and let's say I don't really remember what I had written...ugh. (I wrote most of it before going away last week) I kept the same scenes but they aren't as good as the first time I wrote them... :( Sorry in advance.

  The Math tests were handed on Monday morning before lunch. The happiness level inside Isak was about to explode when he received his copy. He thought the teacher made a mistake and gave him the wrong copy but no, it was his. 

He got a _C_. 

To most, this is an horrible grade and not good at all but for Isak, it's fucking fantastic. He _sucks_ at Maths. This is a lot better than his previous grade. 

When the bell rang, Isak clutched his test in his hand and looked trough the hall, searching for his favorite teacher. He needs to thank him and show him his test because he honestly couldn't have done it without his help. He could've always asked Philip but the older boy has enough problems of his own at the moment. He doesn't need to deal with Isak's grades. 

It didn't take him long to find him. Surprisingly, a tall blonde wasn't hard to find in the mass of students. He was talking with a few people Isak couldn't put names on by some lockers. Isak's lips turned up at the sight of him. ''Even!''

The latter's head snapped up and the sound of his name, mimicking Isak's smile when he saw him. They're so gone for each other. Even waved and said goodbye to his friends and met Isak half way. ''Holla,'' he greeted him.

Isak didn't reply, all he did was hand Even his Math test and waited. 

Frowning in confusion, he took whatever Isak was giving him and skimmed trough, grinning as he understood what it was. ''That's amazing, Isak!'' Even exclaimed, his smile wider if that was possible. ''You got a C, I'm so proud of you. I knew you could do it!'' 

To show how proud he was, Even leaned in for a kiss but Isak turned his head and dodged it, only to regret it and feel like a fucking asshole immediately after. Why does he have to be such a screw up? He must've hurt Even's feelings by rejecting his kiss. Maybe he thinks he's a bad kisser? Or that he had bad breath? Or that he's ashamed of him? No, no, no.

Unlike Isak, Even shrugged it off and acted like nothing happened. ''Since I helped you get that grade, it would only be fair to give me half of it,'' he joked.

''I-I couldn't have done it without you...'' Isak said, mentally groaning for how cheesy he sounds.  ''Can we study again?'' 

Even raised his eyebrows. ''Study, uh?'' 

Rolling his eyes, Isak gave him a serious look. ''I mean it. No weed.'' 

''No weed,'' Even fake gasped. ''What type of teenager are you, Isak Shea?!'' 

''I like weed, just not for studying,'' he explained. ''We can smoke all weekend if you want.''

''Oh, so we're spending the weekend together?'' 

Isak's heart started to race. Did Even not want to spend the weekend with him? Why did he say that? He should've asked Even before assuming they had plans. This is awkward. ''We don,t have to spend the weekend together if you don't want to,'' Isak rushed. ''You're free to do whatever you want, we're not married or anything-'' 

A small laugh escaped the taller boy's lips as he looked fondly at Isak. Even moved closer, his shoulder pressed against a locker. ''Did you really think I wouldn't want to spend my weekend with you? I want to spend every seconds with you, Isak. I wish I never had to let you go, ever.''

Well, that's not what Isak was expecting. Quite the opposite. 

He couldn't argue and say even was being crazy and exaggerating because, guess what, he feels the same. Embarrassing, uh? They're so into each other and addicted to the other, it's almost unhealthy. 

Isak smiled down, thinking about how weird and unrealistic this situation is. No relationships are like this. _Relationship_. They aren't dating yet, he can't say that. 

Despite having sex and constantly kissing and cuddling, Isak and Even still haven't made their relationship official. It was oblivious that they both had feelings for each other and were not just fooling around.

''Even?'' The older boy hummed. ''Are we- Am I-'' Groaning in frustration, Isak mumbled to himself, ''Ugh, get it together Isak.'' 

Even chuckled. _He so cute_ , he thought. ''Aw, my boyfriend is so cute when he talks to himself.'' 

Isak was about to scold him for calling him cute but something else caught his attention. Boyfriend? Did Even call him his boyfriend? ''I..I'm your boyfriend?'' Isak repeated, a little shook.

Even gasped, mocking Isak. ''You're my boyfriend?'' He raised his eyebrows, looking Isak up and down. ''Lucky me...'' he said in a suggestive voice.

Isak rolled his eyes a hundredth time. ''I'm being serious. Are we...dating? Like, are we official?''

''We can be whatever you want. But, just letting you know, I'm the best boyfriend ever.''

It could sound pretentious but Isak knew Even was joking and he's not actually that cocky.

''Hmm, oh yeah?'' Isak raised an eyebrow at him. ''Because I saw a poster somewhere that said: _Even Bech Næsheim, worst boyfriend ever_. The guy looked exactly like you.''

''Oh, that must be my evil twin!''

Isak started laughing. ''An evil twin? Really. You could've done better than that.''

Even pushed Isak away, breaking their body apart. ''What?!'' He narrowed his eyebrows at the younger boy.

''What?!'' Isak repeated, unable to hold his smile any longer. 

''You have no idea how bad I want to kiss you right now.'' 

Wow, that was blunt. But that's Even, always straight forward with what he wants. 

Isak isn't like that. He's more reserved and private so his - now - boyfriend's statement shocked him a little. ''Oh my god, you can't say things like that. We're at school. School, Even. There's people, they can hear what you say.''

He shrugged, not caring if there was people or not watching or hearing. ''So what? I said I wanted to kiss you, not _fuck_ you.'' Even looked down at Isak, biting his lip, changing his mind. ''Although...'' 

Color rising to his cheeks, Isak shoved Even's shoulder. '' _Even_.'' 

The older boy laughed fondly at Isak's embarassement, brushing his blushing cheek with his thumb. Isak leaned into his touch, unable to fight the envy. Even is like a magnet, Isak can't not lean into his touch. ''When do you want to come over?''

''Tonight? Are you free tonight? I can come another night if you-''

''Isak'' he warned, pressing his forehead against Isak's. Lucky for them the hall was empty because Isak would've pulled away. He's not comfortable with touching in public yet. ''Shut. up.'' Even was respectful and didn't try kissing him again despite being so close to the younger boy's lips. 

''So, tonight is fine?''

''Yes,'' Even replied, taking Isak's habit and rolling his eyes. ''Will I be able to kiss you?'' 

Isak pulled away and smirked. Two can play this game, Even Bech Næsheim. ''Maybe...'' he trailed, mischievous in his tone as he quickly left, leaving Even standing there by himself, shocked.

Although he really wanted to see Even's face after he left, Isak knew if he looked back he'd ruin everything so to keep himself from looking, he pulled out his phone and checked his texts. The boy squad had sent him a few messages asking where he was. He quickly typed that he was on his way, letting his legs lead him to the cafeteria. 

When he walked in, he was quick to spot his friends but someone else had taken his seat. What? A bleached blonde girl was sitting between Magnus and Mahdi, chatting happily with the boys. 

Jonas saw his first. ''Isak! You finally decided to join us,'' he said, pushing the empty chair beside him for Isak to sit on. 

''We thought you had ditched us to make out with some girl,'' Mahdi teased, laughing at his own words, Magnus following. 

Isak rolled his eyes and sat down next to Jonas. ''Who's this?'' he asked, nodding at the girl Magnus was talking with. 

She turned to Isak, an offended look on her face. Oh no. What did Isak got himself into again... '' 'This'? How dare you calling me such a rude thing! My parents didn't gave me a name when I was born to look pretty on a piece of paper, use it,'' the blonde girl said, her tone a little angry. 

Isak looked at her in confusion. Why was this girl almost yelling at him? He didn't know her name. That's why he said that. He could've been more polite but teenagers aren't polite. ''Erm, I didn't mean to offend you-''

''You didn't offend me. I'm a girl, you have to respect me.'' 

Respect? What the hell.

Saving Isak from a further argument with Vilde, Magnus spoke up. ''Her name's Vilde.'' 

Vilde. _Vilde_? Sounds familiar, Isak remembers hearing that name before. Oh! Vilde, Magnus's Vilde. The one from his erotic dream. 

To make up from their bad start, Isak offered her a smile. ''I'm Isak.''

''Oh, so you're Isak? My friend Emma told me about you.''

 _Emma from the party?_   _The one he made out with?_   

Isak raised an eyebrow at her. ''Really?''

Vilde hummed happily. ''She's really into you,'' she added and Isak wanted to smack his face on the table. 

 _Oh no_.

***

  Gabe had been working on his boat all afternoon in the backyard, making the most of his day off when he heard the sound of a car pulling up in the driveway a few minutes before dinner catching his attention. He frowned, who's this? Helen was home and they weren't expecting anyone.

Putting down his tools, Gabe crossed the backyard to see what's going on. He saw a taxi car parked and a petite woman with long, curly hair standing beside it. She seemed to be searching trough her purse for some money to pay the driver. Gabe has never seen this woman before, what is she doing in his driveway? Should he call for Helen? She's the cop after all. 

The closer he got, the better he could her the conversation between the woman and the driver. ''Are you fucking kidding me? I don't do free rides!'' the man yelled, his loud tone making her jump. 

''I'm sorry, I-''

''I don't care, I need my money. You need to fucking pay-'' 

Not like the way the man was talking to her - he was obviously scaring her -, Gabe stepped in. ''What's going on here?'' he asked, his eyes sending a warning to the taxi driver. No woman deserves to be talked to like that. Gabe fights with Helen but he never let it go too far - and Helen is a strong woman, she doesn't take shit from anyone. If she has something to say, she'll say it. 

''That bitch thinks I give rides for free. My gas ins't going to pay itself.'' 

''I thought I had money one me, I swear it's the truth,'' the woman defended. ''I must've spent more than I intended to this morning...'' She bit her lip, trying to find a solution. ''Maybe you could wait here? Maybe Philip has money-''

''Philip? Wait, you're Philip's mom?'' She nodded slowly and Gabe sighed. ''Mrs Shea, you can't be here...'' 

''I just want to see my sons.''   

Sensing a glimpse of what's going on, the taxi driver gave up his battle to get Mrs Shea to pay, feeling there was a bigger problem that the twenty dollars she owed him. ''Okay... I think I'll leave you to it. The ride was free. Bye.''

The car left the Caldwell's driveway at the same time the front door opened. ''Philip! My little boy,'' screeched Mrs Shea when she saw her son coming out of the house. Her whole face smiled and Gabe didn't have the heart to deny her access to Philip. She's his mom, she won't hurt him. 

The brunette boy froze when he saw his mom in the yard. What is his mom doing here? How did she find his new house? Philip went down the patio as she ran to him, letting himself being pulled in a hug by his mom because no matter the situation, he can't refuse a hug from his mom. ''Mom, you can't be here,'' Philip tried to explain but she shook her head and pulled back. 

''It's okay. I just wanted to see you. And Isak. Where's Isak? I haven't seen him in so long.'' She tried looking around, hoping to see him somewhere.   
  
''Isak's not here. He's at a friend's house.'' 

Her face fell a little. ''Oh...It's alright. At least I get to see you.'' She smiled at him and Philip smiled back, rubbing her shoulder, not knowing how to handle the situation. Will Gabe tell Helen that his mom is here? Will Helen take her to the station? His mom could get in big trouble if the social services knew about her visit.

Helen had sent Philip to tell her husband dinner was ready but when Philip took some time to come back, she frowned and went outside to check herself. ''Philip, what's taking you so long-'' It didn't take long for Helen to understand what's going on. She's seen picture of Anne in Philip's room. He has a fairly recent picture of them two on his nightstand. ''Hey, you can't be here!'' 

Gabe was about to tell her to calm down but just on cue, Isak chose this exact time to come back from Even's. Why does he always have to come back to bad news when he come back from Even's? Is he cursed or something? His eyes widened when he caught the sight of his mother beside his brother. She was smiling and maybe a little too much to Isak's taste - she was probably high. 

'' _Mom_?'' 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts on Isak getting a 'good' grade? Dodging Even's kiss? Them being officially boyfriends? Anne visiting? Isak not being happy about it?
> 
> Don't forget to leave kudos and comments, they're all very appreciated, xx


	18. Chapter seventeen: A bad news never comes alone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I HATE how this chapter turned out. It's so bad...please forgive me? I was really lost and not into it this week, sorry. I'll try writing something better quality next chapter!

''It's very kind of you to invite me for dinner, Mrs Torrance. You didn't have to, I just came here to see my boys.''

''It's nothing,'' Helen brushed off, forcing a smile on her lips. She set another plate on the small table while Gabe went to get another chair. She wasn't happy with the idea of Anne Shea being on her property, in her house but kicking her out would cause a scene and that's very unnecessary.

''It's a lovely house you have, Mrs Torrance,'' Anne noticed as she looked around, amazed. The house isn't anyhting you see in magazines; it's badly decorated and the furniture doesn't match but to Anne, this is a fucking mansion compared to where she lives. ''Philip told me you have a barn and all that.''

''Yeah. Yeah, we do.''

Before the conversation could go further, Gabe walked in, a folding chair under his arm. ''You can sit on this end of the table, between Philip and Isak.'' Gabe opened the chair and placed it by the table.

Anne smiled at the mention of Philip and Isak. ''Talking about my boys, where are they?''

Gabe glanced at Helen, not knowing what to tell her. After forcing a smile to his mom, Isak went inside, dodging her hug and slipping past her into the house. He said he had to pee really badly but they all knew it was an excuse to not talk to his mom - well, all except Anne.

''I'm not staying here,'' Isak said, dropping his bag on the floor and grabbing a jacket, about to leave. ''Just text me when dinner's over, I'm going back to-''

Philip gripped Isak's sleeve, stopping him from leaving. ''No. You're not.''

Knitting his eyebrows and looking down at his brother's grip on him, Isak tried to free his arm. ''Let go of me.''

Philip obliged. ''I know you don't want to see her but she came all the way here to see you.''

''Bullshit. She came here to see _you_ , not me,'' he retorted. ''She hates me because, like you said, it's _my_ fault the social services took us from her. And, I don't want to see her. My life is so much better without her.''

Isak's words were harsh and lucky for him, his mom didn't hear him because it would break her heart to hear Isak say that. ''Don't say things like that.''

''It's true though. I have friends that cares about me and a social life. People wants to hang out with me at school, I'm no longer the weirdo with a junkie mom. I sleep on an actual bed, not a mattress on the floor. My clothes don't smells like cigarette. Even my grades are getting better,'' Isak explained. ''I'm so much happier here, Philip.''

Isak wanted to add that he found a nice boyfriend that makes him happy but decided against it, not quite ready to come out.

"You're happier here?"

Isak nodded. "You're not?" he asked back.

Is he? Philip chewed on his bottom lip, thinking. "I don't know... I mean, this house is much better - there's no mice here or water dripping from the roof whenever it rains - and we don't go to bed with an empty stomach anymore."

''You're right, I took so much weight since we moved here,'' laughed Isak. 

''Certainly not thanks to Helen's cooking,'' Philip added, laughing along. 

After a few minutes of talking, Philip succeeded and Isak came out of their bedroom. He tried to sit as far as possible to his mom but his plan failed when Helen took the seat next to Gabe, forcing Isak to sit next to his mom. He reluctantly sat down and filled his plate with food, following his second plan: stuffing himself to avoid questions from his mom. If his mouth is full, she won't ask him questions, right?

Wrong!

''How's life here, baby? Helen told me you made friends,'' Anne asked between bites. 

Isak glanced up at Helen who sent him an apologetic smile. ''Life's great,'' he replied, staying brief and showing no interest continuing the conversation. 

''Did you meet any girls? Or boys,'' she continued, winking at Philip not so subtly. _Thanks mom, you just outed me to my foster parents and little brother_. Philip closed his eyes, hoping the ground will swallow him whole. Helen and Gabe both looked at Philip with a questioning glance. 

''And you, still with that asshole? What's his name again, Robert? Or, maybe it's Oliver?'' Philip kicked Isak under the table with his foot as if to say 'stop it' but the younger boy ignored him. Anne looked down in shame, knowing her dating life is mediocre. All these guys were mistakes. ''You remember Oliver, Philip?'' Isak looked at his brother with a mischievous smirk. ''He hit you when you said you weren't his little bitch and won't bring him a beer. You told mom you fell at school and that's where the black eye came from. It was oblivious someone had hit you, but mom was too 'in love' with her boyfriend to see what he did to you.''

The memories of Oliver had Philip close his eyes. The black eye isn't the only thing that happened with Oliver but Philip never told anyone. Philip fucking _hates_ Oliver.

Sensing the atmosphere turning sour, Helen stood and asked, ''Who wants desert?'' They were not done with their meal but she didn't know what else to say. She saw the uncomfortable look on Philip and wanted to help him like a good mother would. _Be there for your kid_ , the parent coaching tape said.

No one replied so Helen awkwardly sat back down. She wasn't the one who invited Anne for dinner and was starting to regret agreeing to her husband's offer. She knows Gabe wanted to be nice but look where this dinner is heading. 

''Oliver did this to you? Why didn't you tell me-'' 

''You were too stoned and out of it most of the time to even remember anything we'd say. That or, you wouldn't believe us. You didn't believe me when I said Davis tried to give me drugs or when I came home because I had an headache and Sebastian gave me _whiskey_ to down my pills with. I was ten, mom. Ten years old don't drink alcohol.'' 

Helen and Gabe were shocked to hear these stories from Isak. The social services didn't inform them on the reasons the two boys were taken away from their mom but figure it wasn't only because of her drug overdose. Isak's testimony was what made the judge put a restricting order against their mother. He must've had a pretty good reason to do this, restricting orders for parents aren't given out like a parking ticket.

By Isak's fifth story, everyone was uncomfortable. Anne was crying, Helen and Gabe were shocked by everything these boys went trough and Philip was...not there. He _was_ there but his head was not. He could see Oliver, that one night, following him outside one Sunday evening while his brother was sleeping on the old couch inside. Anne was out, speaking with her dealer and Oliver was the one watching them... How could he betray Anne's trust like that?

''Do you want me to go on? Because I have tons of stories like that to tell-'' Isak was angry, he couldn't stop. He had to let the bad things out.

'' _Isak_. Can you stop, please.'' Isak snapped out of his bubble at the sound of Gabe's voice. ''I think it's enough.'' 

Isak looked at Gabe. He blinked, frowning when seeing Helen's seat was empty. She had moved to Philip's side after suspecting a panic attack about to happen. Once Philip was back to himself, she took him to the living room so he could relax a little. 

''I think it's time to go home, Mrs Shea,'' Gabe suggested. ''I'll call you a taxi.'' He stood and left to call the taxi, leaving Isak and his mom alone in the kitchen. Bad idea.

''Why did you stay with those guys, mom? To get free drugs? Are drugs more important to you than your family?'' 

''Isak, baby, I love you-'' Anne said trough her tears, breaking her silence.

The blonde scoffed, not believing her. ''Do you, really? If you loved me, mom, you'd go to rehab and get better for real.''

''It's not as easy as it sounds... Quitting is hard, really hard.''

''If you keep telling yourself that, I'm not surprised it hasn't worked.''

She chewed her lip, playing with her finders over her skirt on her lap. ''Don't be so hard on me. I'm getting better, I promise.''

''Getting better? Oh yeah, I know what that means. You stop for half a week and then, you're two feet back in, swallowing pills like candies until you overdose.''

Philip chose that time to come back and although Isak was right, Philip didn't have the heart to say it. Anne knew Isak's opinion about her lifestyle and drug use but if Philip sided with him, it'd break her heart. Instead, he took another approach. ''Mom, I really want you to go to rehab,'' he asked, his voice soft and pleading.

She looked down, taking her son's hand in hers. ''Rehab is expensive, Philip...''

''I'm sure we could find a way to finance everything, Mrs Shea. You're not the first mother in that situation. We could fill in some papers and ask-'' Helen suggested, waling back in the kitchen, but Anne rejected her offer. 

''I don't know,'' Anne hesitated, suddenly really scared. 

***

  Not wanting to hear his mother's lame excuses for not going to rehab, Isak went to his room. Sometimes, he feels like she doesn't want to get better, that she likes being an addict. That thought breaks his heart because if she keeps going like this, she might _die_. Isak doesn't want her to die. He doesn't show it but he cares about his mom, he still loves her despite everything. She's his _mom_. She does shitty thing but she loves her boys to pieces although sometimes, Isak doubts what ranks they come on the love scale: _before_ or _after_ her drugs.

Isak clutched his pillow to his chest, re-thinking about tonight's events. He should probably apologize for ruining dinner. Helen and Gabe would like that. He shouldn't have used the dinner to wash the familial laundry, Helen and Gabe didn't have to hear this. Why can't he ever hold his tongue?

Rolling on his side, Isak saw his phone on the edge of the bed, about to fall of. He grabbed it and saw on his lock screen that he had two missed texts from Even. A small smile faltered on his lips at the thought of his personal sunshine. Isak unlocked his phone and read the texts. 

[From: Even]

_Why did you have to leave so soon? I wasn't done kissing you! :(_

[From: Even]

_Call me when you get home, I miss you too much <3_

Cheesy, uh? If you ask Isak, he'll say that cheesy is Even's middle name. Or, maybe it's Handsome? Or Comfort? 

Yeah, maybe that. Right now, all Isak wanted was for his boyfriend to hold him in his arms and kiss his forehead. Knowing he won't have permission to go out after eight on a weekday, Isak decided to call Even. He won't be able to feel him but at least, he'll hear his voice.

Even picked up after five rings. ''Hello,'' answered a girl's voice, making Isak frown. 

 _What the hell_?

This does _not_ sounds like Even. Did Isak dial the right number? Not feeling like making a fool of himself and unwrapping all his problems to a complete stranger, he preferred asking. ''Erm, is this Even's phone?''

''Yeah. Yes, it is. Even's sleeping.''

Sleeping? Isak checked the time on his phone: nine o'clock. That's very unlike Even to go to bed so early. He was very awake and energetic when Isak left a few hours ago. ''Who's this?'' he asked with a frown.

''His girlfriend, Sonja.''

Isak thought he was going to get sick. His _girlfriend_ , that's what she said. Isak doesn't understand though. Even said it was over with Sonja and that _Isak_ was his boyfriend now. They made it official this morning, it's not that long ago. Why did Sonja say she was Even's girlfriend?

''Hello? Are you still there?'' Sonja said.

Isak snapped out of his thoughts, remembering Sonja was still on the other side and waiting. ''Erm, y-yeah.''

''Can I take your message? Or, do you want me to tell Even to call you back when he wakes up?'' she suggested.

That's exactly what Isak should do before thinking the worst; he should wait to talk to Even before jumping to conclusion and getting upset but, it's his first relationship and hearing Sonja present herself as Even's girlfriend pulled a string at his little heart.

He shook his head, trying to not let his emotions show trough his voice. ''N-no, I'll call back.'' Isak hung up, unable to hold everything in any longer.

It's crazy how fast you can fall from your high. Isak's morning was perfect, he got a good grade and made it official with Even and the older boy helped him with his Maths after school - and they might or might not have taken more than a few make out breaks. Then, he came home and it all went down to hell, starting with his mom showing up, the shitty dinner and...the call.

Isak let out a sad breath as a tear slipped down his cheek, holding his phone to his chest. He's never cried over someone before but Even means so much to him. Even was his sunshine, his ball of happiness, the only person that made him truly happy. It's over now.

The door opened and Isak didn't bother looking who it was, he didn't care. All he could think about was Even and what a fool he was to believe that the older boy wanted him.

Philip frowned, seeing his brother upset and crying on his bed. It was a little unsettling because Isak isn't a crybaby; if he's crying, he must be really really upset. ''Are you crying because of mom?''

Isak shook his head. ''No,'' he mumbled trough his tears.

Sitting down on Isak's bed, Philip put his big brother duty to work. He originally came here to tell him he had no right to bring Oliver up at dinner and what he did was beyond disrespectful to Helen and Gabe but changed his mind when he saw the state Isak was in. ''What is it? I don't like seeing you so upset.'' 

Their sibling bound is getting better but the awkwardness between them is still there. They're not used to act like siblings - other than the bickering.

Isak knew he couldn't keep this in, it hurt too much. He had to tell someone even if that meant coming out. He could've called his friends, Jonas would've listened to him cry over the phone for hours but a part of him was afraid Jonas would reject him if he said he was into guys - only Even, Isak's _not_ gay. Philip, on the other hand, was family and family should always support you, right? Or, that's what he told himself. 

''I-I think my boyfriend's back together with his ex.''

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Although this chapter was awful, don't forget to leave kudos and comments. I love reading you all, xx 
> 
> Thoughts on the dinner? Isak telling about his past? Philip and Oliver? Isak needing comfort from his boyfriend? Sonja answering Even's phone? Isak coming out?


	19. Chapter eighteen: This is what friends are for

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was surprised with the love I got on the last chapter. I honestly thought it was shit but I'm glad you guys loved it. Keep it up with the feedback and kudos, I love to hear your thoughts and predictions!

  After a whole night of crying himself to sleep, Isak decided to man up and stop moping over Even. Or, that's what he told himself he'd do. No needs to say it, he failed miserably not even one hour into the day. Lame, uh? It's not his fault if Even sent him a text during the night saying Isak forgot one of his textbook at his place. The little hearts at the end of the texts were what made Isak want to cry again. Why is Even sending him hearts when he's back with his ex? Isak left him on read and went to school. 

When Isak entered the kitchen, Gabe seemed to have already left as Helen was sitting by herself at the table, sipping her morning coffee while skimming trough some folders. Isak grabbed a glass of orange juice and some cereals and sat next to her. 

''Where's Philip?'' he asked, not seeing the brunette in the kitchen and it was too early for school.

''He's outside helping Gabe load some boxes into his pick up. Why?''

Isak nodded, taking a spoonful of his cereals. ''Helen,'' Isak said, calling for her attention. She hummed, looking up from her black coffee. ''I'm sorry for last night,'' he apologized. ''What I did was really disrespectful and-''

She shook her head, offering him a small smile. ''It's okay,'' she assured him. ''Thank you for apologizing, though. I appreciate it.'' 

Helen drove the boys to school after Isak was done with his cereals. They were running a little late but Helen's a cop, she'll flash her lights and they'll get to school on time. No big deal. 

***

  Even was already there when Philip walked inside his biology class. He smiled at Philip and the brunette weakly smiled back and sat down, putting his books on his desk. Even raised an eyebrow. ''Hey,'' he said, trying to engage a conversation. 

Rubbing at his eyes tiredly, Philip hummed. ''What?'' 

''I said, hey,'' the blonde repeated. ''Are you sure you're awake?'' Even teased, nudging Philip with his elbow.  

''Honestly, I don't know myself. I haven't been sleeping very well.'' 

Philip barely slept last night and spent the night worrying about his brother. His brother who came out to him. His brother who suspect his boyfriend's cheating - or, back with his ex. His brother who cried in his arms for a small part of the night. 

He didn't only worry about Isak. There's his mom and Lukas too. Oh, Lukas. He makes Philip's brain - and heart - go fucking nuts. Talking about Lukas, Philip hasn't seen him since he invited him to his upcoming race last Sunday. Helen met him that afternoon and she totally scared him off; Lukas was frightened by Helen - or, her sheriff status. He didn't meet her eyes and stumbled over his words whenever he spoke, it was funny. 

Even hummed disapprovingly. ''Not sleeping? That can't be good, you need your beauty sleep,'' Even teased and Philip shook his head at him. Beauty sleep, really?

''I've spoken to a doctor about it and she said it's probably due to stress and that I have too much going on at the moment. I'm a teenager, duh. What teenager isn't stressed?'' 

''There's different stress levels, Philip. I get what you mean; teenagers are always stressed. But, it's a healthy level of stress. Nothing alarming that should keep you from sleeping.''

Biting his bottom lip, Philip thought about what Even said. Healthy level of stress? What does that mean. What's the line to cross between healthy and not? ''You think I worry too much?''

Even shrugged. ''I don't know. I'm not in your head...'' 

''Right.'' Philip sighed. 

Guess he'll have to deal with this by himself... 

Seeing the distress on his friend's face, Even's big heart took control and offered his help. He can't let his friend struggle alone, that's not nice. Friends should help each other out, not watch the other bath in their problems. ''Wanna talk about it? I can't promise I'll be any help but, I do have a good ear.''

Philip opened his mouth to speak but the teacher walked in and class started so he simply nodded at Even who smiled and opened his books, getting ready for today's subject. 

***

  While Philip was with Even, talking about his personal problems, Isak was with the boy squad, eating pizza. Mahdi brought pizza rests for lunch and the boys were quick to invite themselves into his lunch box. He didn't mind, he knew they would do this. When Mahdi has pizza, everyone needs to have pizza. It's an unspoken rule of the squad. 

''You don't want pizza?'' Mahdi asked Isak. ''There's enough for you too, you know.''

Isak shook his head, playing with the small device in his hands. ''I'm not hungry.'' 

All morning he's been receiving texts from Even and he was really, really confused. What does Even wants from him? 

[From: Even]  

_Where were you this morning? I waited by your locker to give you your textbook but the bell rang so I had to go :( It's in my bag, come and get it when you want <3_

[From: Even]

 _Wanna come over after school? My mom got me this limited edition movie - it's a classic, you'll LOVE it._  

[From: Even] 

_I just heard this song and it made me think of you <3<3<3_

There was a link to a YouTube video and Isak had to hold himself from pressing on the link. He knew if he listened to the song Even sent him, he'd get weak and text him back but Isak told himself he wouldn't do that. So he doesn't clic on the link, trying to ignore his thumb who's burning with envy.

Jonas was the first to come back with his hot slice of pizza, Magnus and Mahdi being stuck in the microwave queue. The curly haired brunette sat down next to Isak. ''You're not eating?''

''Not hungry,'' Isak repeated in a monotonous voice that had Jonas worry a little. It's not in Isak's habits to talk like that - or to not eat. Isak _loves_ food. 

''You okay?''

Isak looked at Jonas, debating whether or not tell the truth. He turned his head to check on Magnus and Mahdi who were far from warming up their pizza slice - there was a least seven people in front of them. Isak isn't comfortable telling the whole squad but Jonas is different. He's closer to Jonas. ''My mom came over last night and we had dinner all together. It was a fucking disaster.'' 

It wasn't the truth but it wasn't a lie either. Isak just wasn't ready to tell Jonas about Even because that means telling him he likes a guy and... _nope_.

Jonas patted his shoulder. ''That sucks, man. My parents divorced when I was seven, I _know_ what family dinner disasters are. I'm really sorry.'' 

Isak nodded, not knowing what to say. He can't say he relate to Jonas's situation because he never met his dad or lived trough a divorce. 

After a minute or two of silence, Jonas came to conclusion that the blonde wasn't going to say more about the dinner. He cleared his throat, grabbing his pizza slice, about to eat it and then looked at Isak who was still lost in his thoughts. ''I'm here, you know. We're friends, so...let me know, if you want to talk about it.'' 

All afternoon Isak thought about Jonas's offer. It was tempting but also scary. He was afraid Jonas would hate him and stop hanging out with him. Jonas doesn't look homophobic but, just like terrorists, it's not written on their faces. 

Right now Isak regrets not telling everything to Philip. Telling him that Even is the guy who broke his heart but he also doesn't becuase Even's Philip's only friend and he shouldn't let this relationship break their friendship. Isak doesn't want he and Even's relationship to create any collateral damages. And, Even is older than him - two years -, Isak doesn't want Philip to go all protective on him and hurt Even or something. 

It wasn't until the last period's end's bell rang that Isak made his decision. He left his Math class - he had to borrow a textbook from Mahdi because his was in Even's locker and he didn't want to talk to him. 

Bag all packed, Isak looked for Jonas in the school yard. He saw him by the bike rack and fastened his pace when he saw him unlock his bike from the rack. 

''Hi.'' 

Jonas turned, a little confused when he saw Isak standing there, hands in his pockets. ''Isak? Erm, hi. Not to be rude or anything but, what are you doing here? You have a bike now?'' 

The blonde shook his head. ''No. I don't have a bike,'' he replied. ''Do you have any plans for tonight?'' 

A rattling noise came from Jonas's bike as the boy took out the lock, freeing it from the rack. ''No, I was thinking about go home and maybe watching a movie, I don't know. I have homework too. Why?'' 

''Wanna go for a walk?''

Jonas eyed him suspiciously. Normally, when someone asks to go on a walk, it's a subtle way to ask you out so Jonas was a confused.

 _Is Isak planning to ask him out?_ he asked himself. ''Erm, okay,'' he eventually said, having nothing better to do and telling himself to not be freaked out, Isak probably just want a bro talk and doesn't know how to say it. He's an awkward one.

Rolling his bike beside him, Jonas went on a small walk with his friend. They couldn't go too far because Helen was picking them up and taking the bus was a big no. Even _always_ takes the bus. Isak stopped when the saw a bench and they sat on it. 

''You know, when you asked me this morning if something was wrong...I kinda lied? I didn't completely lie, my mom did come over yesterday and it was a fucking disaster but, that's not the reason I'm upset.'' He continued, ''It's- It's because of a person I like.''

''It is...Emma?'' 

Isak shook his head. Not _Emma_. Why does everyone thinks he likes her? ''No. Not Emma.'' 

''Is it Vilde?''

''Vilde? Oh my god. Who do you think I am? It's not her.'' 

Jonas shrugged. ''What? It seems really secret so I thought you liked someone's crush's,'' he explained with a laugh. 

''I'll give you a hint: it's _not_ a girl.'' Saying this only had him almost shit his pants. He was so nervous as he waited for Jonas's reaction. 

Jonas stood, stunned in silence. ''Isak, are you gay? Is that you trying to tell me that you like guys?'' Jonas asked carefully.

Isak panicked. ''I'm not...gay.'' He paused and looked down in defeat, scared to meet Jonas's eyes again. What if he hates him? That thought haunted him. ''Well, maybe I'm a little gay,'' he admitted with a sigh. ''But, that doesn't mean I'm keen on you, like, I'm not checking out guys all the time. It's just, this one guy,'' Isak explained.

Jonas nodded, proud of his friend for coming out to him. It takes a lot of courage to come out, Jonas's glad Isak chose him among the boy squad. ''What's his name?''

His name? Out of all the thinks he could've said Jonas chose to ask his _name_? Isak smiled, thinking about his boyfriend - wait, should he still call him that? ''Even.'' 

''Even?'' Jonas repeated. ''Last year? Tall and blonde?'' Isak nodded. ''I know him.''Jonas glanced around. He wasn't sure what he should say. ''Good looking guy, though.'' 

Isak laughed, surprised by his friend's comment. ''What?''

''What else am I supposed to say!'' Jonas laughed. 

''I don't even know myself.''

''What's the thing between the two of you? I mean, you said he was the reason you're so upset. Why?''

''I don't understand shit. He asked me to be his boyfriend yesterday at lunch and we hung out after school, it was nice. But when I called him last night, his ex answered his phone and said she was his girlfriend...''

At the mention of the ex, Jonas winced and scrunched his face. ''Oh, I see.'' 

''I think he's playing me.''  

''Did you talk to him?''

''No... I'm too scared to.'' They were interrupted by a phone buzzing and they both got their phones out, realizing it was Isak's. He opened the lock screen and saw a message from Even. 

[From: Even]

_Are you okay? I didn't see you at school today :( I hope you're not sick... Text me, my love <3_

A pet-name, really? Isak felt his cheeks warm up. He hesitated before showing it to Jonas. ''And, there's also these texts...he's so confusing. His texts says we're together but, Sonja said-''

''Sonja? Is that his ex?'' Isak nodded, not hiding his disgust when her name was pronounced. ''I think you should talk to him. He seems to like you.''

''Why was he with Sonja last night, then?'' he asked, sounding a little desperate which made Jonas chuckle and shake his head. He wasn't laughing at Isak, he was laughing because Isak was asking _him_ these questions. He's not Even, his name is Jonas, he can't answer for him. 

''Call, _Even_.'' 

***

  The first thing Helen noticed when she pulled up in the driveway was the motorbike parked in front of the porch. The second was Lukas Waldenbeck sitting at the bottom of the steps, helmet on his lap. He still had his schoolbag on his back, meaning he came her straight from school. She glanced at Philip who was typing on his phone, completely unaware of the world. ''Did you invite Lukas over?'' 

Shaking his head, Philip gave Helen a confused look. ''No?''

She nodded over the steering wheel and Philip frowned when he saw him. What is he doing here? He unbuckled his seat-belt and got out of the car, almost hitting Isak with his elbow when he closed the car door. The younger boy glared and followed Helen inside the house.

''Did you tell your friends about me?'' Lukas asked once Isak and Helen were out of hearing, inside the house. His voice remained low as if he was scared someone would ear him which was ridiculous because Philip doesn't have neighbors. 

Philip shook his head as if it was the most ridiculous thing. ''What? No. Why would I tell my friends about you?''

Lukas stood, helmet in his left hand. ''Really? Then, explain me why that blonde weirdo you hang out with kept glaring at me all afternoon?''

Blonde weirdo- Does he mean Even? Oh shit. Philip told Even about Lukas at lunch and the boy wasn't a fan of Lukas after Philip told him what happened between them. He was so pissed that Lukas had hit Philip in order to 'protect' himself from being labelled as gay. Philip isn't surprised Even sent glares Lukas's way, he's a protective friend.

''Even won't tell-''

''So you told him?'' Lukas yelled, a little panicked. He dropped his helmet on the concrete - lucky for him it didn't break from the fall - and clenched his fists, his eyes staring at the brunette. ''Are you fucking mental?!'' 

Philip blinked but didn't move. He hates when Lukas - or anyone - yells at him but he won't back away or show emotions. He stays blank, staring back at the blonde. ''What are you gonna do? You gonna hit me again? You can't keep hitting me every time something doesn't happen the way you want it to.''

''You're so fucking selfish!'' 

'' _I_ 'm the selfish one? How?'' Philip laughed humorlessly, pointing at himself. ''I'm not the one forcing you to hide or pushing you around like a fucking doll. I'm not the one who's cheating on his girlfriend with a guy because he's too chicken to admit to himself that he's gay.'' He paused, realizing he's been a little too harsh with his words. ''I get that you're scared to come out, it _is_ scary. But you can't hide all your life. You'll find that living inside a closet gets constricting and lonely because not everyone will put up with your shit.''

''You think I like playing with Rose's feelings? I made her feel back about herself the other night because I couldn't get a fucking hard on. Last time she sucked me off I had to think about you so I could keep it up. I felt so bad...''

He should be flattered by this new information but Philip is disgusted. Thinking about someone else while doing something sexual is so wrong and gross. ''Poor Lukas, must've hurt your ego.''

''Yeah!'' he agreed, then realized Philip was making fun of him and frowned. ''Fuck you. What happened to you? You used to be so nice, now, you're being a...bitch. Whining all the time and pushing me to come out- It hurts to hear you say those things, Philip. I thought you liked me...''

Philip's feelings for Lukas haven't changed. He still likes him despite all the fucked up shit he does but he won't tell him that. It'll boost his ego a little too much, he already had a big head.

''If you think you're hurting, Lukas, think about me. How much _I_ 'm hurting.'' 

Philip wanted to enumerate all the ways Lukas is hurting him but decided to not give him free answers. He'll have to figure them out by himself. 

 _Seeing you with her hurts; every time she gets on the back of your bike, or when you kiss her and hold her hand at school. Speaking to me only in private and making sure no one sees us together hurts._   _Having to hide every time we hang out hurts. Your constant mood swings and your confusing actions hurts._

His words didn't have the desired effect on Lukas. The blonde's face softened, all anger gone, replaced by guilt. His blue eyes had this grey hue casting over them. The change of mood in Lukas was surprising but what surprised Philip the most was Lukas's lips on his, soft and sweet. His hand cupped Philip's jaw, caressing his cheek as if he was the most fragile thing. ''Don't. I don't want you to hurt, Philip. Ever.''

It didn't last more than a few seconds that Lukas broke the kiss and put his helmet on, getting on his bike and driving off without looking back. Philip watched him leave, dazed. What the hell just happened? Coming down from the kiss, Philip's previous anger came back to him and, once again, he wants to scream because Lukas Waldenbeck drives him fucking insane. 

Philip stated a few minutes outside before climbing the stairs and going inside. The smell or burnt pastas filled the air as soon as he opened the door. He went to his room and saw Isak sitting on his bed, texting on his phone. Philip opened his schoolbag and threw a textbook at Isak. The younger boy frowned, looking up from his phone screen. ''Even gave me this, he said you forgot it in the cafeteria yesterday.'' 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if there's too much dialogue, some things needed to be said. And, I apologize for the lack of gifs, my laptop is a mess and I can't find shit XD
> 
> Thoughts on Isak apologizing to Helen? Philip telling Even about his problems? Jonas telling Isak he's there for him if he wants to talk? Isak coming out to Jonas? Lukas waiting for Philip after school? Philip telling Lukas that he's hurting because of him?


	20. Chapter nineteen: Moving forward

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was a little disappointed by how little feedback/reads I got on the last chapter...but I have to agree that my work/writing hasn't been the greatest lately. I used to be better at this shit! I haven't been feeling myself lately and a it affects my writing. I might take a short pause, who knows, until I get back to my normal self. I don't understand why I'm feeling like this... Don't forget to leave kudos and comments, xx

  When Dr Clarks said talking to someone would help with his sleeping troubles, a part of Philip thought he'd get an immediate result. What was he thinking? This isn't some movie where your problems gets solved overnight. Things like this take time. 

And maybe Lukas coming over didn't help. 

The brunette boy spent hours laying awake in his bed, re-thinking about his conversation with Lukas. A conversation that turned into an argument, like always. It's like they _can't_ talk without fighting. 

He hadn't really thought about it before but Lukas hurts him a lot- physically _and_ emotionally. Philip won't ever forget the day Lukas hit him and he lost consciousness in the school's hallway. His jaw had hurt for almost two weeks. 

He won't forget the day Lukas dropped the bomb about having a girlfriend. They were making out on the blonde's bed and Lukas's internalized homophobia took over. '' _I like girls, I have a girlfriend_ ,'' he had said. 

If Philip had know about Rose, he would've never initiated a kiss at the cabin - nor let Lukas give him a handjob on the small bed. Lukas shouldn't have let anything happen. He let his hormonal teenage needs take over and shamelessly cheated on Rose with a boy he barely knew. Not only that but he claimed to _love_  while being in bed with another boy; it's a little ironic and contradictive, uh?

Weeks have passed since that day at the cabin and Lukas still hasn't told Rose nor accepted himself. He keeps leading her on, thinking it's the best thing to do but in the long run, it'll only hurt her. Telling her would be the best option. It hurts on the spot but it hurts less than learning from gossips that your boyfriend cheated on you.

Philip wouldn't want to be in Lukas's pants if/when the news spreads out. She's gonna be so fucking pissed. It would be no surprise if Lukas gets slapped or something. Cheating fucking sucks and fucking hurts.

But after that: what? If Lukas and Rose break up, it doesn't mean Lukas will date Philip. And _if_ they date, a part of Philip wonders if Lukas will cheat on him too because: once a cheater, always a cheater. Another part of him reminds him that, unlike with Rose, Lukas likes Philip, a _lot_. 

Philip rolled over for the fiftieth time tonight and wonders if he should just cross the blonde motocross rider off of his life. It would be so much easier than living with this pain inside him.

After this thoughtful night, it was no surprise Philip was tired when he arrived to school. First period was alright, second too but when lunch came, he could hear his bed call his name. He sat at an empty table with Even, both of the scrunching their face at the nasty looking food of the cafeteria. It should be chicken but it looks like _dog food_. Even _Helen_ cooks better than that...

''Lukas came over yesterday,'' the brunette announced, pushing his food around in his plate.

Even looked up, raising his eyebrows. ''What?!'' 

''And he kissed me.'' 

''Double what?!''

Philip sighed, running a hand trough his tousled hair. He really should've used his hairbrush this morning... ''He tried to make me feel bad, say I'm selfish, make it sound like I'm forcing him out of the closet and that I'm hurting him but I threw the knife back at him and said that he should think about how much I'm hurting too.''

''Wow, he has balls,'' Even joked and Philip threw a piece of bread at him. 

''It's _not_ funny,'' he scolded, trying to hold his laugh by putting a hand over his mouth.

''I'm not talking about Lukas,'' Even explained with a sly smirk. ''Seriously, I'm happy you told him how you feels, that he's hurting you because sometimes people are so caught up in themselves and how they feel and how things affect themselves that the forget about others.''

Caught up in themselves? Yep, that's Lukas. He thinks he's the only one who has problems and that everyone wants to ruin his life. 

''You think this will wake Lukas up?''

Even shrugged. ''Don't know. Maybe. Maybe not.'' The blonde grabbed his juice bottle, drinking it almost all the way before putting it back on his tray. ''What I know is that he's looking at you right now.'' 

Without thinking, Philip turned and searched for Lukas. He found him sitting with his friends - and Rose - on the other end of the room and, like Even said, he was looking at him. Turning back to Even, Philip tried to hide his smile. Looking at him has always been a no-no for Lukas, paranoid by other people putting him in the gay basket if he only glanced at the city boy. 

 _One step forward_ , Philip thought, feeling like things are going to change and will get better soon. He shouldn't give himself false hopes though. It's Lukas Waldenbeck we're talking about. 

''He asked me to accompany him to a race, in Florida, next weekend.''

''Are you going?'' Even asked, raising an eyebrow as he waited for Philip's answer.

''I don't know...'' he sighed. 

A part of him wants to go and watch Lukas's race - and cheer for him. Florida is far from Tivoli, Lukas won't be as paranoid if they're seen together. But when they'll come back, everything will be back to normal and it'll hurt ten times more. Ugh! Why does someone always have to be hurting? Why can't everyone be happy? 

***

  The week was long for Isak. Avoiding Even wasn't easy. He could've swore God purposely made them cross path everyday. The first day was though but Isak learned to stay with the boy squad and everything was okay. Or not. He was _not_ okay. He missed him like crazy but he couldn't bring himself to text him back or call him. Sonja's voice still haunted him every time he looked at his damn phone. 

The Sleepover at Jonas wasn't part of Isak's weekend plans but some events made his weekend plans change and here he is, playing Fifa with his best friends and eating chicken wings and pizza. Jonas's mom made then this huge feast and, she's _the_ best. 

Once she was off to a friend's birthday celebration, Magnus and Mahdi went and got their bags where the beers and other booze was hidden in. Jonas's mom is cool and all but, she doesn't like the idea of the boys drinking alcohol or using drugs - not under her roof.

Jonas too this opportunity to ask a burning question to Isak. ''So, did you talk to him?'' 

He wasn't quick enough because Isak didn't have the time to reply that Mahdi was already back. ''Talk to who?'' he asked, sitting next to Isak with his beer. Jonas exchanged looks with Isak who looked frightened and shook his head. ''Why are you two being so secretive?'' the dark skinned boy added, taking a sip of his beer.

Magnus arrived next, handing beers for Jonas and Isak. ''You could've helped me, dickhead. I had to carry all these myself.'' He sat down and suddenly it was really awkward. ''Why do I feel like the mood has changed and gotten really weird?'' 

''Ask them,'' Mahdi said, nodding at Isak and Jonas. ''They're ones who were whispering before I arrived.'' 

''What's going on?'' Magnus asked Jonas. The latter said nothing as he gave Isak a look. ''This is getting weird, can't you just fucking tell us what's going on so we can all move on and enjoy the night?'' 

So Isak told them. He told them about Even, and him being a _little_ gay. And surprisingly, they took it well. Mahdi was happy for him - he doesn't care who Isak's into, it's _his_ business - and Magnus...well, Magnus kept asking stupid shit about gays and Isak wanted to fucking disappear. _What the hell, Mags!_ he wanted to scream when the blonde asked who's the man and who's woman when gays have sex.  

''What's going on between the two of you?'' Mahdi asked, saving Magnus from further embarassement. 

''There's nothing going on. He's got a girlfriend-''

''You haven't spoke to him! You don't know that,'' interrupted Jonas.

''I tried calling him but...I just can't bring myself to do it, okay? I really like Even and hearing him confirming my fears-'' Isak shook his head repeatedly, thinking about how hurt he'd be. ''I-I _cant_.''

Understanding Isak's reluctance and fear, Jonas looked up at the blonde boy sitting in front of him and smiled apologetically. Jonas doesn't like to see his friend so sad. He tried to hide it all week but Jonas isn't stupid, he saw trough him. He knew he was hurting from the situation. ''You should text him. And tell him to get his shit together because it's not cool to be played with. By the texts you showed me, he seems into you but, you never know.''

''And he's still together with that chick,'' reminded Magnus. Thanks, Mags...

Mahdi joined in. ''No matter how much you like this guy, you don't deserves this, Isak. What he's doing really sucks and I think you should tell him. Like, give him an ultimatum.''

''And if he's interested he's gonna get stressed out. We've all been there,'' explained Jonas. ''You fool around with some chick and you both have fun but then she texts you and say she wants more and if you don't want the same you'll break it off. If he's really into you, he'll get scared and he'll do things right.''

''You sure?'' Isak asked, a little unsure. It's his first relationship, he's completely clueless here. Hens why he's asking for his friends's help.

Jonas nodded. 

''Mahdi's right!'' Magnus frowned and then pouted, realizing something. ''Maybe I should've come to him for my relationship advice...''

''Yeah, tell him. 'Stop texting me. Call when you've broken up with your girlfriend.' Straight up.'' 

The boys continued talking about the subject, soon diving on Magnus's flirting techniques while Isak pulled out his phone and started typing his message. Jonas's example was a little bit too harsh for Isak's taste so he changed a few words.

[To: Even]

_Hi, thanks for giving my textbook to my brother. Call me when you've broken up with your girlfriend._

''I did it. I sent the text.'' Isak was all serious as he put his phone on the floor, knowing his text will decide if he'll see Even again or not. 

''No way?!'' gasped Jonas, mouth open in shock.

Before anyone could speak, Isak's phone buzzed. He got a new message.

[From: Even]

_What are you doing now? Can we talk?_

''He answered.'' Isak read the text out loud. ''What should I reply?'' he asked the boys.

''Call him,'' suggested Magnus. 

Jonas gave the latter a 'what the fuck' look. ''No, don't call him. Write, ' _chilling at home_ '.'' 

Isak was a little confuse because he's _not_ at home. He's at Jonas's. Why should he tell Even that he's a home?

'' _Chilling at home, just call_ ,'' Isak typed as he read, only to be cut by Jonas.

''No!'' Jonas yelled, stopping him. Isak jumped, almost dropping his phone. Why did Jonas yell like that? ''You want him to call, but like... You have to write it thought you...don't want that. You get me? So, just write ' _chilling at home._ ', and done.''

''Alright. _Chilling at home_. Should I add a smiley emoji?'' 

''No! Just send it like this. No feelings.''

''Okay...''

''Even needs to know that you're being serious,'' Jonas explained. Magnus and Mahdi agreed so Isak pressed send and put his phone down, again.

He didn't get a reply this time. 

Isak tried to hide his disappointment and sadness as they continue playing Fifa on Jonas's big living room TV and drank beers. A part of Isak wanted to get drunk and numb his pain and forget about Even but it'd be rude and he'd probably ruin the sleepover. 

So he tried to ignore the tentation and focused on his friends.

He focused on Mahdi winning over Jonas and Magnus almost tripping on the carpet. He focused on Magnus hitting Mahdi with the controller and Magnus hiding Mahdi's eyes as Jonas was playing, depriving him of his sight. 

''Fuck off, it's cheating!''complained Mahdi, trying to push Magnus's hands away. They all laughed and Isak shook his head at his friends's banters. 

A phone ringing had all the boys raise an eyebrow, recognizing it as Isak's ringtone. Mahdi paused the game and they all looked at Isak. Maybe it's Even? Isak was quick to fetch his phone, a little too hopeful. The disappointed pout on the blonde's face told them it was _not_ the older boy.

''Helen?'' he answered with a frown. She was supposed to go on a date with Gabe tonight but everything got cancelled because she had to replace someone at the police office - a late shift. Why is she calling? 

''Hey, Isak. Erm, I know you're at some friend's right now but, there's someone at the door asking for you. His name's Even. He said he needs to see you and it's important.'' 

Isak's eyes widen at the information. What the fuck? Even's at home. Oh my god. Isak blinked, too shocked and out of words to speak. He was freaking out inside, almost forgetting Helen was still waiting on the other side of the phone. 

''Isak?'' she said, testing is he was still there. ''Should I tell him to go?''

 _No!_ he wanted to scream but figured she'd ask him questions and he doesn't want to talk Even with Helen. It'd be too awkward and he's not ready to come out to his foster parents. He already came out to his brother and his best friends, give him a break.

''I'm on my way, tell him to wait.'' 

Isak hung up and stood, gathering his stuff. Magnus frowned when he saw him put on his jacket. ''What are you doing? You're leaving?'' The game was paused again and now all the boys were looking at him.

''Erm, yeah...something came up. Or, someone.'' Jonas frowned, just as confused as the others. Isak sighed, feeling there's no need to hide what's going on. ''Even's at home.''

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for this short and shitty chapter (and no gifs). I hope you still liked the chapter although it was clearly NOT my best work. Let's hope I get more inspired in the upcoming days/weeks.
> 
> Thoughts Lukas looking at Philip at school? Isak coming out to the rest of the squad? Even showing up?


	21. Chapter twenty: You're the one that I want

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was surprised with the positive feedback on the last chapter. Why do you all like the chapters I find shitty the most? Am I being too hard with myself? Once again, this chapter doesn't have gifs - forgive me - but they'll be back soon. I had trouble with my laptop and had to write this on my phone - so annoying. 
> 
> Don't forget to tell me what you think of the chapter and leave kudos! xx

Isak didn't think. 

When Helen said Even was at the door, all he wanted was to leave Jonas's house and go home. Go to Even. As much as he's mad at him and how confused he is about their relationship, his attraction for the older boy is stronger.

So he did. Isak went home.

Except, he forgot one thing, one small detail: busses are long over and he doesn't have a car/drives. He could've called Helen to pick him up but Even's there, waiting for him - at least he hopes so. If not, he would have ran trough the dark streets for nothing.

The sky was pitch black when Isak skipped the stairs of the porch, making Helen wonder if some earthquake was happening outside. He opened the door, struggling a little due to the high level of anxiety and excitement in his body. Helen was sitting at the kitchen table, putting away the folders she brought from work. 

''Hey,'' she greeted him, looking up, watching Isak close the door behind him. ''I was starting to think you changed your mind.'' Helen frowned, seeing how loudly the blonde boy was breathing. ''Did you...did you run here, Isak?'' 

''Erm, yeah?'' he replied, trying to catch his breath. He pulled at the strap of his backpack that was about to fall on his shoulder. 

''You should've called me, I would've come to get you. I don't like when you walk in the streets alone so late.''

Isak wanted to tell her he's not twelve anymore but all he could think about was Even. Even who's waiting for hi-  ''I'll remember for next time, Helen,'' he said, flashing her a small smile. ''Where's Even?'' Isak asked, his voice a little urgent.

''In your room. I hope it's okay, I didn't know-''

''No, no. It's fine,'' he assured her. ''I'll go now, I don't want to make him wait any longer.'' 

Even was sitting on Isak's bed - Helen must've told him which one was his -, waiting for the younger boy to arrive, anxiously moving his leg up and down out of nervousness. He'd been waiting for almost an hour and most would've left by this time but not Even. He really really wanted to see Isak. 

Isak put his bag down by the door and took off his jacket in silence under Even's watchful eyes. He had to calm the fire inside him when he saw Even sitting on his bed, reminding himself that he can't exactly jump in his arms and kiss him yet. 

Like always, Even looked perfect. His hair were perfectly styled and his clothes were layered and matched perfectly. 

Isak wanted to pinch himself because,  _Fuck, he's really there_. 

Even's voice was a little too cheerful for the situation when he said his infamous 'holla' and Isak was quick to tell him without using words. All he had to do was to not return the words, that's when Even knew how upset the boy was. He looked down and bite down on his lip. 

When he was with the boys, Isak knew exactly what he wanted to tell Even. He knew where he wanted this conversation to go but now that Even's there, Isak seems to have lost his words and doesn't know how to function. He's so fucking pathetic, standing in the middle of the doorway in silence, too shocked by the older boy's presence to move or speak. 

''Do you...do you want to sit?'' Even asked, breaking the silence. ''You said you wanted to talk.'' 

 _Talk_. Yes! 

Isak slowly moved his legs to his bed, sitting by his pillows, as far possible from Even. He's not repulsive, Isak just wants to eliminate any distraction possible - like the goosebumps he gets every time Even's touches him or just his fucking scent. God, he smells so, _so_ good.

Stop it! Fucus, Isak. _Focus_.

Clearing his throat, Isak played with a string on his bed's comforter. He's trying to avoid the subject but he knows he should man up and talk to Even. He needs to know if his little heart is going to shatter or not after this conversation. He hopes not. ''Okay, so, I'm not going to turn around the bowl for long because it really hurts to talk about this but- Erm, last week, I called on your phone and...Sonja answered.'' Even frowned at the mention of Sonja, opening his mouth to speak but Isak wasn't done. ''An-and she said you were back together.'' 

Even looked down. He understands now. He understands why Isak said that earlier, when he texted him.  He understands why he was avoiding him all week. He understands why he never returned his texts of calls. 

He gulped thickly before speaking in a low voice. ''The thing about Sonja is: she's controlling. She wants to control everything and everyone, including me. I hate it but most of the time, she's _right_. I feel like she knows me better than I know myself because everything she says is so fucking true.'' Isak watched Even talk with furrowed eyebrows, not knowing where he's going with this. ''I told her about you. I didn't say your name, I knew you wouldn't have liked that, and she _laughed_. She fucking laughed and said I'm being delirious. She said I _can't_ feel like this about a guy, about...you.''

Guilt filled Isak's stomach. He feels bad for telling everyone that Even was playing with his feelings and making him sound like the bag guy. He's not. Sonja is the vilain in this story. ''Only you can feel how you feel, Even,'' the younger boy reminded him, scooting a little closer. 

Even looked up and his eyes met Isak's green ones before lowering them to his lap again. ''She blamed it on not getting enough sleep and told me to go to bed as if she was my mom.'' He laughed dryly. ''Controlling, I'm telling you.'' 

''Don't let yourself be controlled by her-'' 

''If only it was this easy...'' 

''It _is_. You shouldn't let anyone control you or dictate you what you should or not do. It's your life and you should live it the way you fucking want. If you want to become a ballet dancer or a banker, do it, but, do it for _you_. Don't do it to please someone because living like this will only make you miserable.'' Saying this reminded him of the time he and his brother were living with their mom. Isak held his tongue for so long just because he didn't want to make his brother sad by losing their mom. 

Even's lips turned up into a smile but he said nothing. He didn't know what to say, for once. It feels weird for Even to have nothing to say, being someone who _always_ has something to say. Isak's speech truly hit him.

Isak, just like Even, didn't know what else to say either. Jonas told him he should tell Even how he feels toward this situation but the young blonde is not good when it comes to talk about his feelings. ''I-it really hurt me when she said she was your girlfriend.'' Isak stuttered trough his words, trying to not think about _that_ night, that fucking phone call that had him cry a fucking river of tears.

Sensing how upset Isak was about the blonde girl, Even's eyebrows pulled into a frown.''Fuck Sonja, we're not together anymore.'' 

''No?'' 

Shaking his head Even locked his blue eyes with Isak's. ''No,'' he assured him. ''We've been together for a long time but...it's over now. For good.''

Isak frowned, watching Even attentively, still unsure. ''For good?'' he repeated, wanting to be a hundred percent sure.

''For good.'' Even's hand moved on the comforter until it reached Isak's, lacing their fingers together. He gave his hand a squeeze, earning a small smile from the younger boy. Seeing the positive reaction, Even pressed their forehead together, his blue eyes looking straight into Isak's green ones, staring intensely as his other hand caressed chis cheek. ''I missed you, Isak,'' Even mumbled, his lips brushing against his at every word. 

''I missed you too.'' 

Instead of kissing him, Isak put his head on Even's shoulder and wrapped his arms around his middle, hugging him tightly. Even was surprised by the gesture but held him just as tight. If what Isak wants is a hug, he'll give him that. Anything for his boy.

***

''I _hate_ team homework,'' Philip grumbled, throwing his schoolbag on the floor. ''One always works for two. Why do I have to do all the work? It's not because you're part of a school's sport team that you're the fucking king and have to let me do all the work.'' 

While Philip was complaining about lazy butts, Isak was laying down on his bed, looking at the ceiling while his mind was still on a cloud. Even had left ten minutes before Philip's arrival which saved him from having to tell Philip that he's dating his friend. _Awkward_.

''And he's so fucking dumb, I'm starting to wonder if he has a raisin for brain.'' Philip chuckled at his comparison, finding himself funny. It was mean but it's not like the guy will ever know he said that. What he doesn't know won't hurt him. 

Philip continued his rambling and complaining as he cleaned the mess on his bed, thinking Isak was listening  but after a moment, the silence had him raising an eyebrow. ''Isak?'' He stopped what he was doing and looked in his brother's direction. ''What the fuck are you smiling at?'' he asked, seeing him smile at the ceiling.

''Uh, what? Did you say something?'' Isak asked, turning his head to see Philip, that same smile glued on his lips.

''Yeah!'' The brunette shook his head and sighed. ''I've been talking for _fifteen_ minutes. And you weren't listening this whole time...'' 

''Sorry,'' Isak apologized, still smiling. 

''What's going on? You never smile like that,'' Philip said, frowning at his brother's too happy expression. It's weird. ''And, weren't you supposed to sleep at your friend's house tonight?I thought you had a sleepover or something.'' 

''We rescheduled,'' he explained, not wanting to risk slipping and telling about Even. 

''Oh.'' Philip sat on his bed, done with his cleaning. He took off his socks and grabbed his bed clothes, about to head to the bathroom for a late shower. Showering helps him sleeping better. ''Did you go shopping, I never saw that hoodie on you before,'' the older boy questioned, making Isak blush because this is Even's hoodie and lucky for him, Philip didn't notice. Isak might have asked for it in exchange of letting Even go home. 

The blonde frowned, putting on an act. ''This hoodie? No, it's old,'' he laughed. ''See, there's a hole at sleeve,'' Isak pointed, recognizing a cigarette burn as the rim was black and scratchy.

Although he was still skeptical, Philip decided to drop it. If Isak doesn't want to say who's hoodie it is, it's his choice. He doesn't have to tell him. Philip was about to leave the bedroom when he caught him smelling the fabric and rubbing his face in it, that beaming smile still on his lips. Whoever's hoodie is it, it seems to make his little brother happy. 

***

  Tired of Lukas's procrastination over the past week, Bo decided to accompany his son to the training track on Sunday morning. It's rare he goes but not a first. He drives his son to motocross competitions across the country and pays for his equipment and gas, might as well make sure he trains well.

Bo drove them in his truck, Lukas's bike in the trunk. The long drive was completely silent, both of them not the talkative type. Lukas _never_ chat with his dad. They're not close. Their conversation subjects are _very_ limited. 

''Re-do that jump, Lukas. Your landing was a little messy,'' Bo criticized for the twentieth time since the arrived. ''You have a race next week, Lukas. You need to work on your landings.'' 

The blonde nodded at his father, pushing down the helmet's visor. ''Yes, dad. Will do.'' 

So Lukas did that jump again, and again, and again, and again until Bo was satisfied. After two hours of working on the same jump, Lukas was getting annoyed and bored. Sweat was running down his forehead and back, making his clothing stick to his skin. 

''Can we take a break?'' Lukas asked, taking off his helmet and turning off his bike. He grabbed the water bottle from his bag and wiped the sweat off his face with his sleeve.

Bo gave him a look as his jaw tightened. ''A break?'' he asked and scoffed. ''Do you think you deserve a break?''

''But dad,'' he protested. ''I've been training for _hours_ , please let me-''

'' _No_. Get back on your bike.'' 

The blonde sighed but obeyed. 

Call him weak but Lukas couldn't argue with his father. You _don't_ want to pull too hard at Bo Waldenbeck's strings and make him angry. Last time Lukas made him angry he almost threw a plate at him... 

Never again.

He was so scared his dad was gonna hurt him with that plate. Instead of throwing it at his son, Bo broke the delicate dishes on the table and Lukas stepped on a piece the next morning.  

Lukas did some more jumps until his dad told him it was enough. It was almost one o'clock and Lukas,s stomach was growling. He didn't eat since they left and god, he was so hungry. He'd eat anything - or, maybe not. He wouldn't eat that gross fish his dad brings home from his fishing trips, it tastes disgusting.

When Lukas secured the bike in the trunk, his dad came behind him. ''You need to work on those jumps, Lukas. No distractions this week. You come home straight from school and train, got it?'' 

''Yes, dad.'' 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts on Evak's reunion? Them talking? Isak hugging Even instead of kissing him? Lukas and his dad?


	22. Chapter twenty-one: Chit chat

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back! (Not quite but, yeah.) I felt bad for keeping you all waiting so here's a short chapter that should make up for my absence. 
> 
> p.s. I just posted my Shadowhunters story (Clace, Malec and Sizzy) called The Other Side of the Mirror. Can you please check it out and leave feedback, it'd be really appreciated <3

  Before going to work, Helen dropped Philip off at Even's. It was raining and she didn't want him to get sick while waiting for the bus. They picked up some breakfast on the way and ate in the car. Helen's relationship with Isak is better than with the older brunette - Philip is so difficult. They chatted while eating and talked about how Isak's grades are getting better - thanks to a certain blonde teacher.

''I'm proud of you,'' she told him with a smile. Isak smiled back and continued eating his breakfast burger. ''You're doing so good.''

It's nice to hear this. Anne wasn't one to compliment her boys on their grades. She didn't keep up with their schooling. Most of the time, Philip was the one to sign - he's really good a imitating other people's signature - Isak's homework and other papers the school required on their mom's behalf. 

''It must be difficult to move to a new city in the middle of the school year. Teachers doesn't work the same and programs are different too.''

''Yeah,'' he agreed. ''I'm getting help from Even. He's older and he good at Maths.'' 

''Even? The boy from last night?'' Isak nodded, a beaming smile forming on his lips at the mention of Even. He's so lovestruck. ''He seems like a good kid.''

They didn't get to talk much more because Helen got a call and she had to rush to work. She apologized for cutting short their conversation but Isak assured her it was alright and they can talk another time.  

When Isak rang the doorbell, it's not Even who answered but his mother. She was tall and her blonde hair were pulled up into a messy bun. Her blue eyes were the same hue as Even's and when she smiled at him, he recognized that smile. 

''Hi, is Even home? He...erm, he said I could come over-'' 

''Oh, you're Isak?'' Isak nodded cautiously. ''Even told me a lot about you,'' she added, her smile widening. Even told his mom about him? Isak's mom doesn't even know he's gay...

Not knowing what to said, Isak smiled at her. She opened the door wider and motioned for him to come inside. She apologized for her attire, explaining she was doing yoga before he rang the door. Being polite, Isak told her it was okay, it's her house after all, she can dress how she wants.

''Well, I'm gonna go back to yoga, Even's in his room.'' She pointed to the hallway and Isak didn't need any more directives, he _knows_ where Even's room is. 

Isak knocked lightly on the door before pushing it open without thinking. Even could've been naked. How awkward would that have been? Not gonna lie, Isak wouldn't mind seeing the older boy naked... Now he sounds like a pervert. 

Isak's smile got bigger when he caught sight of his boyfriend. He's so happy to see him, he missed him so much although only a few hours have past since they last saw each other. They're at the start of their relationship, it's normal to be addicted to the other's presence, okay?

Even's hair were undone and messy - it's the first time Isak sees him without his infamous hairdo. He was wearing a dark red hoodie while sitting on the beanbag, a sketchbook perched on his naked legs. _Fuck, is he wearing anything?_ Isak wondered, unsure if it's a good things or not becuase Isak doesn't want to have a boner while his boyfriend's mom is home.

Even's eyes crinkled as his lips turned into a wide grin. ''Isak!'' He closed his sketchbook and put down his pencil, standing up to greet his boyfriend properly. Isak's gaped when he saw that Even was indeed not wearing anything otehr than his hoodie and boxers. Shit. Even pulled the younger boy in a bone crushing hug, pressing their lips together in a quick, but soft, peck. ''You're early, I thought we said nine-thirty...''

''Erm, yeah but Helen got called into work early,'' he explained, panic rising because maybe Even doesn't want him to be here early. Maybe that's why he wasn't dressed or his hair weren't done. ''Do you...mind? I mean, I can leave and come back lat-''

''Don't. You. Fucking. Dare.'' Kisses were deposed on Isak's lips between each words, making him chuckle. 

''Okay. I'm staying.'' Even grinned and kissed Isak again, longer and with tongue this time. As they were kissing, Isak could feel Even's naked legs rubbing against his jeans and it may or may not be triggering for his dick. So he pulled away from his boyfriend's lips. ''But, please, put some pants on.'' 

***

  It was around noon when Philip knocked on Gabe's office door. He usually fill in his work papers on the kitchen table but right now, the kitchen is a mess due to laundry day. There's clothes _everywhere_. 

''Philip? Come in.'' Gabe frowned, surprised to see him but then smiled. ''Is something wrong with the washing machine or dryer? he asked.

Philip shook his head. ''No. Not at all.'' 

''What is it, then?'' 

The brunette hesitated. He never had to ask his mom for this kind of thing. In the city, he was free to do whatever pleased him. But with Helen and Gabe, it's different. ''Can we...talk?''

''I'm a little busy-''

''Right. I'll... Forget it.'' 

He made a move to leave but Gabe grabbed his forearm, stopping him. ''No, no. Sit. I signed up for this, I have own up to to my responsibilities.'' 

Philip grabbed the small chair that had a couple books on it, placing them elsewhere and took the chair closer to Gabe's desk. He sat down and waited for his foster father to finish cleaning up his desk. Just like the kitchen table downstairs, Gabe's office is messy - papers, pencils, paperclips and folders everywhere. It reminded Philip of Isak's side of the room but without the boyish smell. 

''So, what did you want to talk about?'' 

''A friend of mine invited me to this event- this competition he's participating at. It's in Florida, by the way. His dad is letting him borrow his truck and he already booked a room for the weekend. I wouldn't have to pay for anything - except food - and we'd come back on Sunday afternoon but I get it if you don't-'' 

''Yeah, sure. You can go. I'll talk to Helen about it but, why not? I'm sure you can manage a weekend without us,'' teased Gabe, trying to slip a little humor but the boy didn't seem to find him funny. ''Come on, it was a good one. Laugh a little!'' 

Philip shook his head. ''It's not it.''

''What is it, then?''

 ''I was kinda hoping you'd say no,'' Philip explained and Gabe frowned, not getting the effect he expected from his foster son. ''It would've been so much easier...'' 

''Why? I thought that's what you wanted, to go and support your friend.'' 

''I don't know if I want to go,'' the teenager explained with a small sigh. Things are so complicated with Lukas at the moment, Philip isn't sure if it's a good idea to go. He doesn't even know if Lukas still wants him to go. Ugh...

Gabe straightened his back in his chair, more attentive. ''Why's that?'' 

There's no exit door now. He can't stand and go, pretending this conversation never happened. Philip has to explain the situation to Gabe. But, maybe he'll keep a few details to himself. The man doesn't need to know _everything_.

Taking a minute to think, Philip tried to find a way to explain his reasoning. ''You remember Lukas, right?'' Gabe nodded. ''He showed up the other day and invited me to his competition. And then things happened between that and..I don't know anymore.''

Philip passed on the part and details about his feelings for Lukas. It has nothing to do with the trip. Okay, maybe it does, but Philip isn't ready to talk relationships and feelings with Gabe. He has Even for that. Even's a good friend, he's always there when he needs to talk.  

''Things, uh?'' Gabe teased, raising an eyebrow at the brunette teenager, looking at him with a knowing look. 

''Oh my god, please don't look at me like that,'' Philip pleaded, lowering his eyes to his lap, embarrassed. 

Gabe smiled to himself, a small chuckle leaving his lips. ''I'm not doing anyhting.'' He continue watching Philip, feeling like there was some things he was hiding about this trip and about Lukas but Gabe didn't want to push it. Philip will come to him if he wants. Forcing something out of someone is Helen's way to do things, not Gabe's. ''I think you should go. Everyone makes mistakes. And if this trip ends up being a mistake, it's _okay_. It's best to regret doing something than regret no doing it.'' 

***

  When he came back later that night, Isak laid in his bed before dinner, chatting with his friend on their group chat. Isak was still confused and he found it annoying when two people are talking back an forth and he's not in the conversation but still gets the notifications - Magnus and Mahdi _always_ do that, they bicker all the time on the group chat. 

Magnus: _What happened?_

Magnus: _Isak?_

Magnus: _Isaaaaak?_

Magnus:  _You there, Isak?_

Magnus:  _How did it go with Even?_

Magnus: _Are you having sex?_  ;)

Magnus: _Why aren't you replying?_

Mahdi: _Maybe Even's still there? ;)_

Magnus: _Maybe they're still having sex? How many times does gays can have sex in a day?_

Magnus: And, h _ow does it work, though? I mean, I don't really understand... Someone has to be the woman, right?_

Mahdi:   _...  
_

Magnus: _What? Why does no one ever tells me anything?_

Mahdi:  _Are you serious, man? Just fucking google it. I'm NOT explaining it to you._

Magnus:  _Alright..._

Magnus:  _Do you guys think he and Even had sex? Like, is Isak still a virgin?_

Mahdi: _Are you asking this to make sure you aren't the only virgin left in the gang? XD_

Magnus: _Who said I was still a virgin?_

Mahdi: _Erm, everyone._

Jonas:  _Leave them alone, guys..._

Jonas: _Isak will tell talk about it when he wants, IF he wants. He didn't come out to us so we could nag him 24/7 about his love life._

Mahdi: _Sorry, Isak._

Magnus: _Yeah...Sorry, Isak_

Isak took note to thank Jonas. Coming out to his friends was hard and he doesn't want to be asked about Even or his sexual orientation all the time. He still questions himself sometimes. Sexuality is confusing when you're a teenager and discovering yourself.    _  
_

Isak: _It's alright, guys._

Magnus: _He's alive!! :O_

Magnus:  _How was it?_

Magnus:  _With Even._

Magnus: _Did you guy have sex?_

Jonas: _Mags! OMG...you're so annoying_

Isak: _Erm, no. We did not? It wasn't like that. We just talked._

Magnus: _Talked, uh?_

Isak: _Yeah. Not all of us are obsessed with sex._

Magnus: _Sex is an addicting thing, Isak. Once you start, you always want more._

Mahdi: _And, how do you know that, Magnus? You have never fucked._

Jonas: _Hahaha_

They continued teasing Magnus for a moment to Isak's relief. He doesn't like when the attention is on him. He will do anything to get away from the situation. Just like now, when he turned the cards and teased Magnus about his- inexistent - sexual life.

Jonas has just written a really funny story about how Vilde said no to Magnus's advance despite promising Magnus to never tell - it was too funny not to - when  Helen called his name for dinner. The teenager was about to get up and head to the kitchen but his phone buzzed in his hands, saying he had a new message from Even. Isak smiled because, it's Even and Even always makes him smile and lost no time unlocking his phone, opening the message at the same time.

[From: Even]

_Missing you already :(_

A picture of him in Even's bed was attached and Isak shook his head. He looks so bad in that picture with his flat hair curling up on the bottom and his red bitten lips from making out with Even. When did he take this? And, how did he not notice? 

[To: Even] 

_Will you stop taking pictures of me? Seriously, it's creepy..._

[From: Even]

_I'm not allowed to take pictures of the most beautiful boy on earth?_

Isak blushed before searching trough his phone's camera roll, smirking as he typed his next message.

[To: Even]

_Two can play this game <3_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts on Isak meeting Even's mom? Philip talking with Gabe? Gabe telling him to go in Florida? The boys being annoying and invading to Evak? Isak taking stalking pictures of Even too?


	23. Chapter twenty-two: Everybody hurts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm posting a little earlier today, woo! I've been trying to type this for a week now but I'm stuck in Degrassi's world so... Does any of you watches it? Eli and Clare are...<3 Eli is my favorite characters on the show, I see myself in him a lot. Also, thank you for leaving kudos on my new Shadowhunters story (The other side of the mirror). It means a lot to me and I's currently working on the next chapter!

  New York to Florida is a sixteen hours drive - not counting trafic. Sixteen hours is a long time to be stuck in a car with someone. It has room for _lots_ of conversations. Philip planned to use this trip as a test for Lukas. It's the break it or make it of their relationship. Philip is careful though. He doesn't want to make Lukas angry during the first hour or else this trip will seem endless. 

''Are you hungry? We can stop at this small restaurent my dad and I always go. We'll get there by ten,'' Lukas said, breaking the silence for the first time since they left Tivoli. 

Philip hummed, not taking his eyes off his book. His English teacher gave them a book to read for an upcoming exam - Monday morning - and Philip completely forgot about it. Now he has to read the damn book during the trip to Florida. Lucky for him, he's a fast reader. ''Whatever is fine. I'm not picky.'' 

Lukas started laughing and Philip frowned. ''Not picky? You always complain about food.'' The blonde turned to Philip for a brief instant before returning his eyes on the road. '' _Are you sure this is pizza? It tastes like shit. Pizza is better in the city_...and blah blah blah-'' Lukas mocked.

Closing his book, Philip crossed his arms over his chest and glared at Lukas. ''It's true. New York pizza is _the_ best.''

''See, you're complaining again,'' he pointed and Philip rolled his eyes. 

''Am not! I'm just stating that food is better in New York.''

''Food is food. It all tastes the same.'' 

''What?! No, no, no. You are so fucking wrong. Did you ever went to the city?''

''Of course.'' 

''And, did you try the food?''

''Yeah. It tastes all the same, Philip. Stop trying to win this-''

Philip disagreed. ''You lived all your life in Tivoli, your taste-buds must be corrupted.''

Lukas had to hold his laugh. Are they really having a debate about food? Philip took Lukas's silence for defeat and went back to his book, wanting to be done with this as fast as possible. He has plans for the weekend and reading this boring book wasn't a part of them.

It was back to a comfortable silence in the car as Lukas drove. Soft radio was playing in the background to keep him entertain while he drove and Philip ignored him. Lukas still hasn't read that book but hopes Philip will give him a resume once he's finished. He's too lazy to read books. 

They stopped at some gas station an hour from the restaurent, the truck being almost empty. Lukas was lucky his dad gave him money for the gas because his savings wouldn't have sufficed. 

Lukas bought them some candy bars and drinks, too hungry to wait until lunch. It wasn't much but, what do you expect from a gas station? They sat on the truck's hood and ate their snacks. Philip pulled out his phone to check if he had any missed texts and he had. A few were from Even, asking why he wasn't in school to which Philip replied that he was with Lukas - no need to hide from Even. And the last one was from a worried and apologetic Helen. This is new.

[From: Helen]

_Sorry I wasn't there to say bye this morning. I had to go to work early. Have a good time with Lukas! Be stay safe and call if anything happen. And...please, call when you get to Florida._

''What is it?'' Lukas asked, seeing the change of facial expression on Philip's face as he read the text. 

''It's just Helen. She's...worried?'' he explained with a frown.

''You sound surprised,''Lukas said with his mouth full of half chewed chocolate , earning a grimaced from Philip. Manners, Lukas... This is gross.

''I am.''

''She loves you.'' 

Philip snorted, shaking his head. ''She doesn't. She hates me.''

''If she didn't love you, she wouldn't worry about you.''

''But, she never-''

''My dad _never_ tells me he loves me but, I know he does. He used to say it, before my mom left us but, after her death, he changed. He started drinking more and he distanced himself from he. We live in the same house but barely talk. It sucks.'' 

Every time Lukas talks about his mom, Philip can't help but feel guilty. It's a though subject for the blonde. Losing a parent is difficult. Philip doesn't remember his dad so he doesn't miss him. He's fine with not having him in his life. But Lukas _knew_ him mom. He spent time with her, he has memories of her. He remember her long, blonde hair and gray eyes and how she would always side with Lukas whenever he did something bad.

Lukas sat back on the hood of the truck after throwing his empty wrapper away. ''Let's take a picture to ease her worry, yeah? Let her know where we are too.'' Lukas took Philip's phone and snapped a quick picture of them, sending it to Helen. ''Now, let's get back on the road, I want to get to our hotel before ten.''

***

  A hand grabbed Isak's arm as he walked down the halls and tugged him behind, making him stumble a little. His green eyes widen in surprise and fear. Who is this? Is he gonna get hurt? 

A familiar laugh erased all his fears. 

''What the fuck?!'' Isak said, shoving the older boy. ''I thought I was getting attacked or something.'' 

Even raised his eyebrows, closing the distance between them. ''Attacked, uh?'' Isak frowned and before he knew it, he was indeed attacked...by his boyfriend's lips. Even's hands were on his jaw, keeping his in place as his chapped, yet plush, lips touching his. 

Even pulled away, a big smile on his face as he looked at Isak who was still in shock by Even's kiss. ''Erm, halla?'' Still confused, Isak couldn't place a word. 

''Halla, my beautiful boy.'' And now Isak's blushing. ''You're looking extra cute this morning,'' he continued in a cheerful voice. Too cheerful for a Monday morning. 

''Thanks...'' 

''I'd jump you right here and there.'' 

Shocked by Even's bluntness, Isak put his hand over his mouth, his cheeks flaming red. ''Oh my god, Even, shut _up_.'' Even put his hand on Isak's lower back and pushed him flush against his body. Being sneaky, he grabbed Isak's butt and squeezed it, making the latter squeal in surprise. '' _Even_ ,'' Isak scolded.

The older boy laughed before going for a kiss, again. This kiss wasn't innocent. Even's hands moved on the younger boy's body, pressing him impossibly closer to him as he grabbed at his ass. Isak slipped his tongue inside Even's mouth to keep himself from moaning. Even's hands on him are driving his crazy. He let himself being kissed and touch for a moment, until it was too much. He had to stop or else, he would _not_ stop. 

Before it could go too far, Isak pushed him away, breaking the totally-not-school-appropriate kiss. Even frowned when Isak broke the kiss. They were having a good time, why did he stop everything? ''Why did you stop?'' 

''I can't. I need to see Jonas before class. Homework stuff,'' Isak stammered, wiping his lips with the back of his hand. God, are they fucking animals? ''I..I'll see you later, okay?'' Even pouted and Isak had to roll his eyes, giving him one last kiss before going. 

The walk to lunch room gave him a little bit of time to refresh and control his spirits. Even made a mess of him behind the lockers. It was a cliché place to meet and make out but, it's not like Isak gives a shit. 

''What got you so flustered?'' asked Vilde, the blonde girl Magnus is crushing hard on. She was sitting with the boys again and, this time, her friend Eva was there too. Isak remembers her from the party. The one where he met Penetrator Chris. She's Jonas's ex too. 

Flustered? Oh shit. Is he still red? Are his hair a mess? Or clothes? Maybe it's-

''Yeah, you look like you just fucked, man.'' Mahdi's comment made Isak stiffen. 

''W-what?''

Mahdi gave Isak a knowing look but Isak ignored it. This is getting more embarrassing...

The rest of the group didn't hear the dark skinned boy's comment, too absorbed into their own conversation. ''Eva, we need to go. I need to get to History early, I don't want to sit next to Sara again,'' Vilde said, getting up from her chair along with Eva. She grabbed her bag and they left. 

''The girls are going camping this weekend. They invite us all,'' said Magnus, his eyes not leaving Vilde as she walked out of the lunch room. 

Jonas looked at him, hope in his eyes. ''You coming, right?''

''You guys go camping?'' Isak asked with a frown. Not to be mean but, Jonas, Magnus nor Mahdi looks like people who go camping. They're obsessed with technologies and junk food, how will they survive in the woods? 

''It's Mags and I's first time but, Jonas went once with Eva.''

''We didn't go camping. We went to a cabin, it's different,'' corrected Jonas. ''And you, ever went camping, Isak?'' 

Isak shook his head, sitting down. ''Nope.''

''Maybe you could ask Even if he wants to join-''

'' _Not_ happening!'' 

''I get it that you guys want to meet him but, I'm not ready. You'll meet him, but not this weekend.'' Isak sighed. ''I haven't presented him to my foster parents yet.'' Helen kinda met him but Isak didn't introduce him as his boyfriend so it doesn't count.

Magnus pouted. ''But, I really wanted to meet Even.''

Jonas shook his head at their friend and Isak smiled, happy to know his friends want to meet his boyfriend. ''Another time,'' he promised to Magnus. 

***

  Rumor has it, Eva is bringing Chris with her on the camping trip this weekend. They'll share a tent and everything. The news got to the girl's ex boyfriend quite fast and Jonas is _not_ happy with that. He was fuming and ready  to go and hit Penetrator Chris when the boys found him. 

''Maybe that's why she was so silent this morning,'' Magnus said after they sat down by the stairs. It was raining outside and the busses would arrive soon. All the boys had to do was keeping Jonas distracted until Chris leaves the school. ''When she and Vilde came to our table and invited us camping. Remember? She was sitting beside Vilde, completely silent. She didn't even look at you either.'' 

What the hell, Magnus! This isn't helping. Mahdi glared at the blonde and turned back to Jonas. He needs to pick up No-Filter-Magnus's mess and cheer his friend up. ''Chris's a fuckboy, she'll soon find out his true side and end things with him.''

''You think they are together?'' Isak asked. He doesn't know Eva nor Chris but if she dated Jonas, she must be a nice girl. And from what he's been told, Chris is _not_ a nice boy. 

Jonas shook his head at Isak's question. ''Eva wouldn't date a guy like him. She knows what she's worth.'' 

''After the living hell you put her trough, her self esteem must've gone down a few notch.''

This time, Mahdi didn't hold back and hit Magnus upside the head. Isak tried to not laugh at the latter's confused face. Oh Magnus...

''I'm such a fuck up, cheating on her was a mistake. A fucking terrible mistake!''

Jonas was planning to get back with Eva this weekend. The camping trip seemed like the perfect opportunity to talk to her and apologize - again. But his plan went to ashes when he heard Sarah talk about Eva and Chris.  

The boys shared a look and Mahdi put an arm over Jonas's shoulder, tapping it. Jonas sighed just as they heard the first bus arrive. The boys picked up their jackets and bags and went downstairs and to the main hall to get inside their respective busses. 

Mahdi and Magnus left first. Helen was picking up Isak at four and he planned to ask her if they could drop off Jonas on the way home. After the new he just heard, Isak feels bad for letting his best friend go home on his bike. 

''You still going camping tomorrow?'' Isak asked as they were walking trough the halls. 

Jonas shrugged. ''I don't want to but Magnus and Mahdi are going so...'' 

''Is it because of Eva? I don't think you should hold back doing some things because of a girl. I know you like her and want her back but-''

Isak continued talking but Jonas wasn't listening anymore. ''Fucking Penetrator,'' Isak heard Jonas grumble under his breath in an angry tone and before he knew it, Jonas was walking trough what seemed to be Eva and Chris making out against a wall. At school, really? Vilde was there too and appeared to look as shocked as Isak was. 

''Jonas! Wait up.'' Isak tried going after him but it was too late. His fist had already collided with Chris's face and all hell broke loose. Fists against jaw, blood dripping from noses, punches in the stomach-

''Oh my god, someone stop them!'' Vilde shrieked in panic. She was about to grab Eva, shielding her from the fight but a stray fist hit her face and she grabbed her face, in pain. 

Isak tried to hold back Jonas but he was stronger than him. Vilde was checking up on Eva and, no offence but, it's not like she could help holding any of the boys back. 

''Eve is _my_ girl, do you hear me!'' Jonas yelled at Chris.

''Oh, really? Why was she in _my_ bed last night?'' Chris smirked, knowing exactly what he was doing.

Jonas was about to jump back on his but this time, Isak grabbed his arms and Chris left before another fight could explode. They were lucky no teacher were around or they would all have gotten detention. Jonas spat blood on the floor, grumbling under his breath angrily but the curly haired teen's face changed when he saw Eva was crying. _Oh no_. 

''Eva-'' Jonas took a few steps toward her but she stepped back.

''Why did you do this?'' she asked trough her tears. 

''Because I _love_ you, Eva! I'm sorry for last year, I fucked up and-'' 

She shook her head, wiping her tears with the back of her hand. ''If you loved me you'd let go of me. You've hurt me too much, Jonas...'' 

Vilde and Isak stood there, watching the scene in silence, ready to pick up the pieces. It was heartbreaking to see. Isak wasn't there when Jonas and Eva were dating. He didn't live trough their love story and heartbreak. All he saw was the aftermath. 

But Vilde did. Vilde was there since the start and she had to hold back her tears. What the two had was strong - at least, they all thought it was -, until Jonas had sex with that slut. He claimed to be drunk but Eva wouldn't believe him and ended things. They were on and off after that which was the most hurtful part because they weren't dating yet, they were still having sex here and there. No attachements they said but, like every deals of the genre, one always gets hurt. And this time, it was Eva. Again. She loved Jonas, she was loyal to him...but _he_ wasn't. It was okay though, they weren't exclusive. Eva still suffered though and one day, it became too much for her and she ended things with Jonas. For good. 

What a fucking _mess_. 

***

  It was very late when the boys arrived in Florida. They had a little bit of an issue with the room Lukas booked but the receptionist gave them another room - some people partied hard last night and broke the furniture in room 305, making it unavailable at the moment. 

''I can't wait to fucking sleep,'' Lukas whined as they brought their stuff up to their room. ''I've been awake and driving since four. I'm _so_ tired.'' 

''I've let you sleep for five hours while I drove, Waldenbeck,'' the brunette reminded him. 

Lukas smiled. ''Yeah. Thanks for that. I felt so much better after my nap.'' He unlocked their room with his card, pushing open the door for Philip to walk in after him. ''Keep your mouth shut about that, okay? If Helen knows I've let you drive my dad's truck without a license-''

''Don't worry about it. I'm not gonna tell her.'' 

While Philip changed and showered, Lukas watched TV on the small, crappy one from the hotel. It was stuck on the same channel and Lukas was sick of seeing the same fucking bird fly around. Lukas sighed in annoyance and laid on his back, waiting for Philip to finish with his shower. Hotels are expensive, they should at least have TVs that works. 

They played a game on Lukas's phone for a moment, laughing when Lukas wasn't able to play for more than ten seconds before dying. It wasn't a complicated game but Lukas still sucked at it. ''I missed hanging out with you,'' he said when it was Philip's turn to play. 

The mood went down on Philip's side and he handed Lukas his phone back. ''It's almost eleven. We should probably sleep,'' Philip said, changing subject. ''Your race is tomorrow, right?'' 

''I only have to be there for three, it's fine. We can stay up a little longer.'' Lukas's breath faltered as he looked at the boy sitting in front of him. He misses Philip. He really did but Lukas doesn't know how to make the boy believe him. He's said a lot of bullshit to everyone in the past, no wonder Philip doesn't believe him. 

''I should call Helen, tell her we made it to Florida.''

Lukas smiled. ''No need. I already did.''

Philip tries to find another excuse to keep himself busy and away from Lukas or he knows he'll break his promises. He can't fall back into Lukas's arms so easily. He can't let himself be so weak, he promised himself he wouldn't give in and let his stupid feelings take over on the first day.

His plans were about to crash because it looks like Philip isn't the only one who had plans. Lukas rose on his knees and leaned toward Philip, his hand grabbing his jaw before kissing him. Philip kissed back, missing the feeling of Lukas's lips on his but then, he gripped Lukas's bicep and pushed him away. 

_No_. 

The blonde sat back on the bed, frowning. ''You don't want to kiss anymore?'' he asked. 

Philip looked down. He chewed on his lip before looking back up at Lukas and kissing him. _Fuck it_ , he told himself. He knows he'll regret it in the morning or the day after but what if it's his last weekend with Lukas? What if Lukas fails Philip's tests? 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shit are starting to go down! We've finally reached the part where things really start happening and lots of drama. More characters are starting to show too. I hope you likes this chapter although it was very dialogue-y. It's all I can get out of my head at the moment, sorry. Don't gorget to leave kudos and comments, xx
> 
> Thoughts on Philkas going on a trip? Even kissing Isak at school being overly handsy? Jonas fighting? Them going on a camping trip? What do you think will happen on both trips? (camping AND Florida)


	24. Chapter twenty-three: An emotional weekend

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the full chapter! The camping trip/Florida trip. This is part 1 of the trip, part 2 will be up soon - hopefully! 
> 
> Have you guys seen the season 4 trailer for Skam? Am I the only one who is disappointed Even isn't main? Not that I hate Sana; I can't wait to see more of her and curious to see life from her point of view. My poor baby Even is going to get hurt and I KNOW it. I don't want to see this. **Will still watch, haha**
> 
> p.s. Sorry if this chapter is bad, I struggled a lot with it. There is so much more I wanted to write but I had to delete some stuff :(

  Waking up to a too early call from Magnus sure made Isak groan in annoyance. He picked up his phone and made sure to voice his complain to his friend. _What the fuck, Magnus?_ Isak thought when he saw his name flashing on the small screen. Thinking it was something important, Isak answered, half awake, and listened to Magnus's confused voice asking if they really needed sleeping bags... 

After that, Isak wasn't able to go back to sleep so he played dumb games on his phones until Even texted him. His game completely forgotten when he saw the boy's name pop up on his screen. Isak was surprised to receive a text from his boyfriend at eight o'clock. Who texts so early in the morning on a Saturday? Just, _no_. 

[From: Even]

_My parents won't be back till tomorrow, we'll have the house to ourselves ;D p.s. I just got some more weed last night._

Isak knew this was gonna happen one day or another. The day he forgot he agreed to hang out with his friends or boyfriend and now he's stuck having to chose, knowing it will disappoint them both if he cancels their plans. 

A sad pout on his lip, he texted even back. 

[To: Even]

_As tempting as your offer is...I can't :( I'm going on a camping trip with the guys. Jonas will need support from his friends after what happened yesterday, I can't ditch him._

[From: Even]

_Camping? Can I come. I LOVE camping. My parents and I used to go every weekends when I was a kid. That where I became a man, you know?_

Isak didn't know what to think of Even's answer. If Even joins them, he's have to introduce him to everyone and Isak doesn't know if he's ready for that yet. He still struggles holding Even's hand at school... Is he ready for a camping trip? 

Before he could type in any answer, Even beat him.

[From: Even]

_Do you not want me to come? I understand if you want to spend the weekend with your friend, Isak. We're not siameses, we don't have to spend every hours, every minutes and ever seconds together.  Although I wouldn't mind being stuck with you forever <3 _

[To: Even]

_No, no! That's not it. I'd love to spend the weekend with you and the guys. It's just...I don't know. It makes me anxious. I'm fine with the guys knowing that I'm gay but, Vilde has a big mouth...and I'm not ready to fully come out yet._

[From: Even]

_You know you don't have to tell them about us, right? I can come as a friend! I'd prefer to be introduced as your boyfriend but I'm fine with that too. As long as we share a tent ;)_

A light blush coated Isak's cheeks. The winky face at the end of Even's text made room for suggestive content and Isak wasn't sure what it meant. Bullshit, he had an idea what Even meant but just wouldn't admit it. 

[To: Even]

_Alright. Do you have one? A tent, I mean. Because I don't. I was planning to share with Jonas but I doubt Jonas will want to share with you and I. Three in a single tent is too much._

[From: Even]

_Yes, baby. My dad has one, I can bring it. I have sleeping bags and shit too, you don't need to bring anything. Just your beautiful self <3_

Isak blushed. He'll never get used to someone calling him beautiful. It's so new and...weird. Isak doesn't think he's ugly, he's just very...average? With his blonde hair, weird teeth and scrawny body, he has nothing to envy. 

[To: Even]

_Bring the weed too! <3_

Even showed up to Helen and Gabe's house in less than an hour. They waited in the kitchen, their stuff on the floor. Isak had only his backpack while Even had his tens and two other bags. It seems a lot but he promised Isak he knows what he's doing. So Isak trusted him. Even's went camping before, he knows what to bring, right? 

''Don't hesitate to call me if something happens,'' Helen reminded Isak for the hundredth time, making her husband shake his head. 

''I don't think Isak will have reception in the woods, darling.''

Helen turned to glare at Gabe before turning back to her foster son. ''Just call. Okay? I can come and get you at anytime.I don't care what time it is.''  

''Helen, I think Isak got it. You said the same thing to Philip yesterday.'' 

''I did not... I was at work when Philip left,'' she argued. 

Gabe gave her a look. ''Helen Torrance, I _know_ you sent him a text.''

She sighed in defeat. ''I just... I'm not used to this, Gabe. I'm still learning how to be a good parent and sometimes, I can get a little too overprotective. I'm a cop, it's in my genes. What can you do?'' Gabe smiled and pulled Helen against his side. She smiled and looked at Even. ''It goes for you too, Even,'' she added.

Once the two adults left the kitchen - Helen left for work and Gabe went back to his boat - Even pulled Isak into a hug, wrapping his arm over the younger boy's shoulder as he leaned in to press a soft kiss to his cheek. Isak pulled him closer, clutching Even's backpack as he closed his eyes, enjoying the soft feel of Even's lips. 

''We're going camping together,'' Even said excitedly, reminding the younger boy that thiscamping trip will be their first activity as a couple.

Isak grinned, trying to hide his anxiety. If Even knew how this trip truly makes him feel, he'd cancel everything. He doesn't like it when Isak is nervous and would do anything to easy his worries even if it means not going camping with him. 

***

''Wanna use my bike?''

They woke up about an hour ago and Lukas is already thinking about his bike. _Obsessed_ , Philip thoughts. It's the first thing Lukas thinks about when he wakes up: his fucking bike. A part of Philip wishes _he_ was the first thing Lukas think about but we can't have everything we wish for.

After putting on fresh clothes, the two boys went out to eat breakfast. Philip was craving coffee so they had to make a quick stop before hitting the restaurent. The teenager tends to be grumpy in the morning before his first cup of coffee and Lukas didn't want to deal with Grumpy-Philip. 

''Why? We have your dad's truck, isn't that more convenient. And, I doubt you're allowed to drive your bike around town here, Lukas. Florida isn't like Tivoli.''

''No. I mean, _drive_ my bike. I could teach you if you want.'' Philip hesitated and Lukas nudged his elbow teasingly. ''Unless you're too scared.'' 

Philip raised an eyebrow at Lukas. _Is he being serious?_ ''I thought no one was allowed to drive your bike?''

Lukas smiled at him. ''Well, you're not 'no one' so...'' He drew Philip closer by wrapping his arm around his shoulder, dragging a hesitant Philip Shea with him. ''Come on, I'll teach you.'' 

Back to the hotel, Lukas changed into his riding clothes and told Philip to wear something less...nice. He was wearing jeans and a tee shirt to breakfast which isn't ideal - nor safe - when learning to drive a motocross. ''I wouldn't want you to rip your nice jacket if you fall,'' Lukas explained, making up a lame excuse. 

Philip rolled his eyes at him but did as told and changed. ''So caring of you...'' 

Jumping back in the truck, Lukas drove around until he found the perfect place to teach Philip. It was a little meadow, not too big or too muddy. They knew they were playing with the law here but neither of them cared. Or, at least, that's what Lukas wanted Philip to believe. ''Do you think Helen will be able to get us out of jail if we ever get caught here? Does her cop licence works here too or..?''

Philip gave the blonde a look as they unloaded the bike from the trunk. ''We're _not_ gonna go in jail, Lukas. We'd get a ticket or something but no one's gonna go in jail.'' 

Was that supposed to reassured him? Philip didn't do a good job because Lukas was still worried they'd get caught for doing something illegal. If he gets arrested, his dad will be fucking pissed. He could sell his bike or something. 

''Sit there and hold this,'' Lukas explained. He tried to be brief but safe. If Philip gets hurt because of him he'll never forget himself. 

Philip snickered, putting his hands on the handlebar. ''So precise.''

''Shut up.'' Lukas glared and returned to his instructions. ''Most modern bikes don't require you to kick start it, but I have an older bike so you have to. The kick start lever is behind the foot peg on the right side of the bike.'' Philip looked down and nodded at the blonde when he saw it. So far, the lesson is easy. As he was explaining, the brunette could feel Lukas's hand on the small of his back and it was...nice. Lukas is so different with him, if only he was always like this. ''Start the bike. You need to wait a few seconds to warm up''

Philip nodded and started the bike. The rumble of the bike was heard and Philip smiled. He's about to ride Lukas Waldenbeck's fucking precious bike. This is both scary and exciting. 

''Slowly let out the clutch lever until the bike starts to roll forward.  _Slowly_ , Philip,'' he repeated. ''Remember, slo-''

''Slowly, I get it.'' 

Teaching Philip isn't as easy as Lukas thought it would be. It's not that Philip is a slow learner, there's no problem on that part. He's just...really fucking annoying. He _always_ has something to snark back. 

''You may have to pull back on the throttle slightly to prevent the bike from stalling while releasing the clutch.'' Lukas was getting nervous all of a sudden. Philip was about to go off and Lukas couldn't help but worry. What if he goes too fast and can't stop the bike? The break. Oh shit, he almost forgot. ''Also, here's the break and-'' 

Lukas didn't have time to finish that Philip was off, slowly rolling on his bike. Philip was a natural from what Lukas could see. He didn't seem to struggle with the bike. He wasn't on full speed, it would be reckless to go on full speed on your first try. You're more likely to fall the first times and falling on full speed can be _fatal_. 

A proud smile spread on the blonde's lips as he watched Philip. Maybe now they can ride together? But, for that, Philip will have to get a bike too. 

*** 

  Watching Mahdi and Magnus set their tent was fucking hilarious. Their tent was all crooked and the zipper was stuck half way. Magnus also managed to poke Mahdi in the eye with the long stick because he was staring at Vilde - that was probably the best part if you ask Isak. They looked like complete idiots. 

Even the girls's tents were looking better than their's. 

Talking about the girls, Vilde and Eva went on a branches search with Chris. The latter didn't want to go but Eva made up an excuse about needing a third pair of arms to help them bring branches for the fire. The two girls would have suffice - they're not making a big ass fire, just something to keep them warm when it gets chilly and cook - but figured leaving Chris and Jonas alone would not be a good idea. They don't need another fight between them. 

''Isak told me you're a camping expert,'' Jonas started, making conversation with Even. 

''Oh, really?''The older boy raised his eyebrows at Isak who shrugged. ''My dad and I used to go on camping trips a lot. He taught me a tons of things and I bet you I could survive an entire _month_ on my own in the woods but, I wouldn't call myself an 'expert'.''

''An month?'' Jonas repeated, impressed. ''Wow. I don't think any of us could do that. Magnus and Mahdi can't assemble a tent, Vilde thought her phone data would would work and Eva keeps complaining about the bugs. _None_ of us would survive alone in the woods.''

''What about Isak?'' Even asked, smiling at his boyfriend who was sitting on a large tree trunk a few meters from them, watching Magnus and Mahdi argue over which side they will be sleeping on. They're such children...

''I don't think he's planning to leave your side. I saw him glancing our way about ten times since the girls left.'' 

Even smiled at himself, fidgeting with his hands. ''That's good. I'm not planning on leaving his side either.'' 

Jonas wanted to question Even about Isak and his intentions on the young boy - someone has to do it, right? - but some loud, explicit bickering echoed. They moved their hear in Magnus and Mahdi's direction, seeing a huge rip in the tent's fabric. Oh god... 

''What the fuck have you done? It's _your_ fault! You pulled when I told you not to,'' accused Mahdi. 

 ''Did not!'' defended the blonde. ''It's _your_ fault! You gave me the wrong instructions. I heard you, you told me to pull-'' 

The dark skinned boy sighed, running his hands over his face in exasperation. He shouldn't have paired with Magnus. He should've asked Isak. But Isak's with Even and Mahdi doesn't want to third wheel in a tent. Not happening. ''What are we gonna fucking do now? We can't sleep like that. We're going to freeze off or get eaten by some wildlife shit.'' 

Magnus ignored his friend and stared at the massive hole, confused. What are they gonna do? Usually, Magnus would call his mom - he's a mamma's boy - like he does every time he has a problem but, without phone reception, it would be difficult to reach her.

''They look like a Vegas married couple,'' commented Even and Jonas bursted laughing before going to help them. If Jonas doesn't intervene, their tent will never be set up for the night. Isak was laughing too in his spot and Even joined him on the old tree trunk. He wrapped his arms around his boyfriend's shoulder, pulling him close. Isak smiled at the familiarity and threw his head back until it was resting against Even's shoulder. Even tightened his hold and smiled fondly at him before kissing Isak's cheek sweetly. 

''Holla,'' Isak said, grinning up at Even. ''Are you trying to steal my friends?'' 

Even chuckled. ''I like your friends, they're cool.'' 

Isak closed his eyes, letting the sun hit his pale face - he could definitely use some color -, settling deeper into Even's arms, loving the feeling of his arms around him. Everything was perfect right now. His friends loved his boyfriend and approved their relationship - a little too much but, what can he do? It's not like they will steal Even from him. They're _not_ gay. He hasn't told Eve, Vilde or Chris the truth about he and Even but it doesn't matter; they're not his best friends. 

 _S_ _low steps_ , Even told him. 

''Wanna smoke?'' Isak opened his eyes and Even pulled a baggie full of perfectly rolled joint from his jacket. 

''You better hide your stash before the guys find it,'' warned Isak. 

Even frowned. ''They smoke too?'' Isak nodded and Even's lips turned up. ''I really like your friends, then.''

Isak rolled his eyes and stole the joint from Even's hands and held it between his lips, waiting for Even to light it. 

The girls - and Chris - came back after an hour, arms full of tree branches ready to be burned into ashes. None of them thought about making a fire - Vilde did but she brought nothing to start it - but, lucky for them Even had his handy lighter with him. It's not only useful for smoking weed, okay?

The boys's tent was finally set up and temporarily repaired with duct tape - thanks to Jonas - but now, Magnus was complaining about how fucking hungry he was. The complaining never stops with them...

''Look who we've run into when looking for branches!'' Vilde exclaimed excitedly, setting the branches on the ground into a messy pile, followed by Chris and Eva's pile. The boys all looked at Vilde and their new camping mate, smiling kindly at her. Except for Isak and Even who looked crisped and tensed - on Even's part. ''Being the only girl with all these boys suck, I'm so happy you made it, _Sonja_.'' 

Eva shoved Vilde playfully. ''Hey, I'm a girl too,'' she said, a little offended. 

''Yeah. But you're all up your man so it feels like I'm the only girl here.'' Vilde sighed. ''If only Sana's parents weren't so paranoid...'' 

Sonja presented herself to the rest of the group, only skipping on Even and Isak. No one seemed to notice and Isak was relieved. He didn't want to explain how he knows Sonja. It would be something like this: _Yeah, I know Sonja. She's my boyfriend's ex. They used to be in a long therm relationship but I cam in and ruined everything. I met her when Even and I were still in our flirting mode and he was still dating her._   _She's the one he cheated on with me and the one he ended things with so we could be together_. That would raise too many questions. No thanks.

*** 

  The site was already packed when the boys arrived. They had planned to arrive before the start of the first races but Philip decided to shower after the came back from the meadow. He felt gross and sweaty from riding the bike under the hot, Floridian sun. 

If Lukas didn't already have passes, there is no way they would've gotten in. There was a long queue at the entrance but no more passes. 

Lukas's race was in an hour, they have time to browse around a little. Lukas dragged Philip to a couple booths and took pictures with a few of his favorite racers. Philip, not wanting to intrude, took the pictures for Lukas, making sure the boy looked good in every of them. 

Today marked the first day of Philip's plan. So far, Lukas's been nice with him but, they've been secluded in their room or at the meadow so it doesn't count. They're now in a public place and it's time for Philip to put his plan in action. 

They were sitting at a table with a drink in front of them. It was hot outside and Philip was fucking melting so they had to take a break from walking and buy drinks. Lukas clinked their cups together while Philip made a fancy face. ''To my future victory,'' Lukas said and Philip started laughing. 

''Victory? You haven't even won yet!'' 

Lukas shrugged, taking a sip of his drink. ''And? I trained really hard. I will win. Just watch me,'' he added with a wink and Philip rolled his eyes. ''Are you gonna film my race? I'd like to upload this on my channel. Rose used to film my races but the footage was never good enough to upload. She's shit at filming.''

''If I can have a good spot,'' Philip explained and Lukas nodded. Makes sense. If Philip can't see shit, he's not gonna film. 

''Right.'' Lukas nodded to himself, not knowing hat else to say. Or, _how_ to say what he was about to say. Why is it always so awkward between them? ''Last night- When we-'' Lukas face-palmed, groaning a little. ''Ugh, I didn't mean for _it_ to happen. I like you, Philip, but-'' 

''We weren't ready for that. Sex.''

Lukas looked down, feeling shy suddenly. Talking about sex never made him shy, why now? ''I don't want you to think I invited you so I could use you for your body. Oh my god, it sounds so wrong...''

A light chuckle left the other boy's lips. ''It's nice to know.'' Philip cleared his throat, becoming serious again. ''Sometimes, that's _not_ how I feel. You make me feel like a toy, a sexual object you pick up from your old drawer every time you're horny. All we ever do is kiss, make out and have sex. Not, all the way but, you know.'' 

Lukas stared at the table top, scared to meet Philip's eyes. ''I like you, it's just-'' 

Philip shook his head. ''Stop saying you like me and fucking _show_ me!'' He placed his hand on top of Lukas's over the table, lacing them fingers together but the second Lukas understood what Philip was doing, he flinched and retracted his hand. 

First test:  _failed_.

They couldn't talk any longer because Lukas had to go and get ready for his race and Philip had to find himself a decent seat in the bleachers. 

Sitting down, he starting thinking about all those times he confronted Lukas about his feelings. Every times, something came in the way. _Every_ fucking times. Maybe it's a sign? Maybe they're not meant to be..?

Shaking these dark ideas off his head, Philip stood from his seat and watched all the big jumps and the riding trails in front of him. They were impressive. The jumps were a lot higher than the ones he filmed Lukas doing which made a small part of him worry. These jumps are really, _really_ high. 

Lukas's race was announced just as Philip's phone went off. He sighed and picked it up.

It's Helen. 

''Helen? Why are you calling me-''

''Philip Shea! You are in big trouble right now, young man.'' 

The teenager was confused. Why is she yelling like that? And, what did he do? Philip looked ahead, trying to find Lukas on the starting line. ''Lukas is about to go, can I call you later?'' 

'' _No_! Don't you dare hanging up one me,'' she warned and Philip sighed. He's gonna miss Lukas's race, fuck. ''I sat at my office today and found a message from the NYPD saying you stole a camera a few weeks ago. What did I say about stealing, Philip! I thought you were done with this shit. It took them a moment to retrace you but- ''

The camera. Philip ran his finger on the large band of the camera that hung around his neck, biting his lip.  He completely forgot about that... ''Can we talk about this when I get back? I need to film Lukas's race for his channel.'' 

Helen seemed to have ignored what Philip said because she continued talking. ''I was angry when I read the message but I think I'm more disappointed than angry now. You promised to not do it again, Philip.''

''I know... Sorry.'' 

He didn't sound sincere and Helen was not having it. ''This isn't joking matter. Stealing is serious. You're gonna be eighteen in a few months and if you get caught stealing then, you'll go in jail. Do you want to go in prison, Phillip?'' 

Philip stopped listening to her but kept his phone between his ear and shoulder, using his hands to set his camera, knowing the race was about to start in less than five seconds. He's always been good at multitasking, he should be able to film _and_ make Helen believe he is listening.

Then, the race started and Philip's brown eyes were glued on Lukas. It was the first time he sees him during a race. It was also the first time Lukas wore his protection gear under his riding shirt. Talking about his riding shirt, Philip remember seeing it in a corner in Lukas's bedroom when he was over. He didn't know it was a riding shirt. 

Lukas was third in line, closely followed by two nasty riders. They were riding dirty you could say. Philip wanted to yell that is was cheating but remembered he doesn't know shit about motocross and shut his mouth. 

During this time, Helen was still yelling trough the phone. ''Philip? Philip, are you still there? You better not have put me on wait-'' 

''I'm here,'' he reassured her, his eyes never leaving the race. Lukas had moved to second now and Philip grinned like a proud boyfriend. His phone almost slipped so he switched it to her other ear, his eyes leaving the race for less than three seconds. ''I would never put you on-'' he stopped himself mid sentence as he saw Lukas's bike fly in the air and the blonde's body landing a few meters away from the bike. '' _Lukas_!'' 

***

Dinner didn't go as planned. Sonja and Vilde were in charge of the cooking while Eva and Chris were making out in their tent, being as helpful as their could. Jonas was pissed and went with the boys to smoke a bit and calm down. He wanted to jump at Chris's throat for kissing his girl but the thing is: Eva isn't Jonas's girl anymore.

Vilde was pretty mad at the boys for bring drugs on their camping trip. She wanted to spend a weekend with her friends and have fun, get to know each other a little bit more. Not watching them get high. She was disappointed when she saw Even participating to the festivities and pull out his own weed from his backpack, selling a bit to Jonas. He's not a seller but, for Jonas, it's fine. And, it's not like there's a lot of civilisation around here. Jonas won't find another dealer. 

''If I wouldn't known Eva was gonna ditch me like that, I wouldn't have invited her. She's my best friend but, ever since she got with Chris, she started neglecting our friendship.'' Vilde poured her heart to her cousin as their waiter for the hot dogs to cook. She didn't invite Sonja so she could complain about Eve but, she's there and, why not. 

''Why don't you try finding someone for yourself? I mean, there's plenty boys here-'' 

''You're right! I should do that. And, if it doesn't work out, we can pretend nothing happened, right? What happens in camping stays in camping.'' 

What did she just say?   

Sonja looked at her, confused. ''Erm, I don't think anyone said that...'' 

''Doesn't matter!'' Vilde paused and glanced around, looking for something. _Someone_. ''Where's Even?'' she asked, twirling a piece of hair between her finger. Oh no. Vilde has an eye on _Even_.

Sonja gave her a tight lipped smile and shrugged. ''Don't know. I haven't seen him for a moment...''

As long as it's not at school or in front of other people, Isak doesn't mind Even being handsy. If they're alone, Even can kiss and touch him whenever he wants. A hand on the small of his back, on his cheek or on his...ass. Isak doesn't mind. 

A small moan slipped past his lips when he felt Even grind his hips down on him. He searched for Even's lips, locking them with his for a bruising kiss as Even's hand slide down his naked side, stopping at the hem of his boxer.

Most of their clothing was off, scattered here and there in the tent. It took them a few minutes to adjust to the idea of Sonja being there but they won't let her ruin their first trip as a couple. Nope. 

When they arrived on the camping site, Isak was nervous and shy around Even. He knew they weren't alone and that people were watching them and he just couldn't do it. Just holding Even's hand in his felt overwhelming. The boys were quick to find out this tall, handsome boy was Even, Isak's Even, and quickly accepted him, making Isak feel a little lighter. He still doesn't feel comfortable enough to kiss his boyfriend in front of everyone but they can hold hands and cuddle a little. Even even got away with kissing his cheek once!

After Jonas, Mahdi and Magnus left for a smoke, Isak and Even subtly escaped the group to go in Even's tent. Okay, they weren't that subtle. Even being all up Isak's body wasn't subtle but surprisingly, no one noticed when they left. 

It was risky to do this in the woods but they're horny teenagers, what can you do? It's not like they were the only ones doing it, no one asked but they all doubt Chris and Eva are playing Monopoly in their tent.

''Are you sure about this?'' Isak asked, eyebrow raised and forehead creasing. 

 _Something's worrying him_ , Even noticed. 

Even smiled down at his boy, caressing his cheek with his other hand, soothing his features. ''Yes, baby.'' 

The fabric of Even's tent is quite thick and black. You can't see trough it. It's perfect for intimacy. Too bad it's not soundproof.

Isak blushed at the cute nickname. _Baby_. Who thought Isak Shea would be blushing over something so cheesy as a fucking nickname. It wasn't even an original one. 

''Sonja's here... Won't it be awkward if-''

''Fuck Sonja,'' Even stopped him, venom in his voice. ''I'm with _you_. I don't give a shit about what she thinks.'' He sealed his words with a kiss, pushing his tongue inside Isak's mouth. Isak closed his eyes and kissed back, pressing Even's body closer to his, clawing at his back as the older boy's lips left his mouth to kiss down his jaw and neck. He moaned at the feeling of Even's teeth on his skin, not biting hard enough to pierce the skin but enough to leave a mark. 

Anyone watching would say Even's being rough with Isak but he's actually not. Even's touching Isak like he was a fucking china doll. Fragile and precious. So fucking _precious_. 

The got rid of their remaining clothing and Isak managed to almost kick Even's in the face when removing his boxer. It's not his fault he's so clumsy, okay? They were a little cramped in the tent too - why are they both fucking giants? -, he would've never kicked Even on purpose. 

Even kissed Isak's lips one last time before grabbing his bag from the corner. He reached for lube and condoms and smirked at Isak. 

''You planned this, did you?'' Isak asked. Even didn't bother trying to lie, he just grinned at his smaller boyfriend and opened the lube cap, pouring some on his fingers, his blue eyes meeting Isak's green eyes. ''We have no chill.''

''No fucking chill,'' Even repeated as he opened the boy's legs.

When Isak woke up, it was very late and the spot next to him empty. He was a little cold too from the lack of body warmth behind him. At first, he thought Even went for a piss because, who doesn't wake up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom? Or, in their case, the...ground? But, minutes passed and still no Even. 

''Even?'' His voice was tired and sleepy as he pulled the covers higher, trying to get some warmth. Isak waited a few minutes but when Even still wasn't back, worry begun to settle in Isak's guts. Where is he? 

Pulling on the first thing he could find in the tent - which happened to be Even're dark red hoodie -, Isak opened the tent's door, unzipping it fast but still careful to not get the fabric stuck. He slipped on his shoes and turned on his phone's flashlight, illuminating the whole campsite. 

A groan was heard from one of the tent and a face popped out of the door. ''What are you doing up at this hour?'' Sonja asked, her voice startling Isak. She looked half asleep and her hair were a little messy from sleeping. Isak explained he was looking for Even and Sonja got out of her tent, her shoes and jacket in hand. ''How long since you last saw him?'' Isak noticed slight panic in her voice and suddenly, the worry in his gut felt heavier. Should he be worried? Really worried?

Isak shrugged, rubbing his left eye, washing away the sleepiness. ''I don't know, I woke up and he wasn't in the tent. I told myself he would come back soon but it's been a few minutes and-'' 

'' _Shit_. No, no, no.'' She pulled her phone from her pocket, about to dial a number but then realized it was pointless. They're in the woods. Cellphones don't work. ''This is bad, Isak. I _knew_ this would happen.''

Sonja was officially worrying Isak now. ''Sonja-'' 

''He went off his meds again,'' she muttered to herself. ''Has he been sleeping well lately? Or, sleeping at all? Did you notice any change in his behavior? I knew something was wrong the second I saw him this afternoon. I knew-

''Sonja!'' She snapped out of her bubble and looked at Isak. It was dark outside but Isak felt the worry in her eyes. ''What is going on? I don't understand. Can you please expla-'' Isak's voice was almost pleading. 

''He's _manic_.''

Manic? Isak still doesn't understand what she's saying. He's not fucking Wikipedia. Lucky for him, Sonja continued. Isak was hoping she would explain what manic means but she went on another direction.

''And it's all your fault. He was stable before you came into his life and fuck it all up. He was doing so good- He's also not supposed to smoke because, for obvious reasons it's not good for him. It interfere with his medication. Medication he stopped taking because of _you_! Oh, and it you think he loves you, you're wrong. He does not. It's just a sick idea he has in his mind right now. Last year he went on the roof of my house after reading all these books about birds and wanted to jump off, thinking he was a fucking bird and could _fly_. A fireman had to come and help him down. He's sick, Isak.''

Isak opened his mouth to speak but he was unable to talk. He stood there, in the middle of the campsite, frozen, processing everything Sonja just said. _He doesn't love him_. Even doesn't love him. They've never said the word love before but Isak thought Even was into him. That he _liked_ him. Now, Sonja's telling him this is all bullshit and- It's too much. It hurts too much. He can't- Isak lost control of his body. His heart was hurting so much his body shut down.He felt himself sink onto the ground, slowly, until he was half sitting half laying down. A few tears slipped down his face and he made no move to wipe them. 

One of the boys unzipped their door to see what this yelling was about. When Mahdi saw Isak on the ground, he quickly woke Magnus and rushed over, forgetting about his shoes or the cold air.  ''What have you done to him?'' Mahdi asked, couching in front of Isak and asking if he was alright. His dark eyes were sending daggers at Sonja. Mahdi got no answer form his friend and honestly, he didn't know what to do. ''Where's Even? Do you want me to go and get him?'' 

Even. Another set of tears slipped at the mention of him. It's the second time Isak cries because of this boy. No, scratch that. It's the second time he cries about Even because of something _Sonja_ said. ''Even _left_. I-I don't know where he went.'' 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts on Even getting along with the boy squad? Sonja (Vilde's cousin in this story) joining them? Philip trying Lukas's bike for the first time? Lukas teaching him how to ride his bike? Sonja hurting Isak and spilling the beef about Even's mental health? Even going missing? Where did he go? Philip getting in trouble for stealing a camera? Lukas having an accident during his race? What do you think happened?
> 
> Don't forget to leave kudos and tell me what you think of this chapter in the comments, xx 
> 
> p.s. I'm so ready to finish this story! There's like...seven chapters left. If you thought I had no plan when writing this, you are WRONG. This story IS going somewhere and I DO have an ending planned.


	25. Chapter twenty-four: The scare of my life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you guys watch season 4's first episode/clip? My Evak heart...<3 I almost spoiled myself this morning when browsing on IG and catching a glimpse of Evak but I quickly closed the app and waited until I could watch the ep instead of just pictures.

  Accidents aren't rare in the motocross world. It's almost too easy to get injured. You can slip, fall or trip on the tracks. You can loose control of the bike. Another rider can play dirty and be responsible of the fall. There is also collisions. Some falls can be fatal but most of the time, it's a broken collar bone, sprained wrist, AC joint sprain, ACL rupture, broken ankle. Concussions can also be combined to those. 

All those are reasons why there is a full team of paramedics ready to intervene on the side of the tracks. They lost no time rushing over and checking on Lukas's lifeless looking body. A neck brace was put around his neck before someone removed the blonde's helmet while another set of people arrived with a stretcher. An ambulance was ready for him as the paramedics hoisted him on a stretcher, loosing no time. 

Philip knew he wouldn't have time to get to Lukas before the ambulance would speed off but that didn't stop him from going down the bleachers and looking for the paramedic team who took care of Lukas, asking for information about the boy. 

''Sorry, sir but this information is confidential,'' one of the paramedic said, refusing to give any information. For all she know, Philip could be a guy from press or some other media. They can't take chances.

Philip wasn't happy with her answer and insisted. ''I know Lukas, we came here together. I need to know if he-'' A tipsy man bumped into him, stopping Philip mid sentence when lukewarm beer was spilled on his tee shirt and on his camera. The stolen camera he'll have to return when he comes back to Tivoli. _Shit_. ''Hey! Look where you're fucking going! This camera cost more than your rent,'' Philip yelled at the rude guy who walked away as if nothing happened. What the fuck? He just _ruined_ Philip's camera. He can't just go like that. 

The paramedic woman took advantage of the guy bumping into Philip to leave. Philip groaned in frustration. How will he explain that to Helen? He'll think about that later, now, he needs to find Lukas. 

The keys to Bo's truck were in Lukas's bag and Philip couldn't have access to it so he was forced to take a cab to the hospital, not feeling like getting lost by walking. And, a cab will get him there faster than by foot. 

After what seemed like an eternal ride in the stinky cab, Philip arrived at the hospital. He went straight for the reception and asked for Lukas but the receptionist lady refused to say anything - just like the paramedic. She said family only was allowed to get any news and Philip tried to explain that Lukas only have a father and that he was miles away, in New York. She ignored the information and repeated that only family was allowed to get news on Lukas Waldenbeck's situation. 

''Fucking bitch,'' Philip grumbled under his breath. 

She heard him and narrowed her eyes at the teenager. ''I get that you're worried about your friend but, this is the law, sir.'' 

Philip rolled his eyes and left. He needs to figure a way to get informations. He could call Bo, have him come down to Florida but, that'd take _hours_ before he'd get here. Philip spotted at doctor walking by and always ran to him, asking about Lukas. The man asked if he was a member of the family and, this time, Philip thought about his answer. 

''I'm his _brother_. Can I see him, now?''

''No.'' Philip frowned and was about to protest and yell at the man but the doctor spoke first. ''Mr Waldenbeck is still in the ER at the moment. Lucky for him, the fall wasn't too bad. He was unconscious when he arrived here which worried us about some brain damage. Helmets protect your head but it's not bulletproof. Like I said, he is one lucky man, he only has a dislocated AC joint, broken wrist and a minor concussion. He should be getting our of ER in a few minutes, we want to to a scanner for his head when he wakes.'' 

After the doctor was finished with his explanations, Philip went back to his chair. He sat and crossed his hands, elbows resting on his knees as he held his head with his fist. Witnessing- _half_ -witnessing Lukas's accident was scary. His heart stopped beating when he saw Lukas on the ground, the team of paramedic rushing over and checking his unmoving body.

Half an hour later, the same doctor came to him and said to follow him. He led Philip to a room, Lukas's room. The light was on but the door was ajar but Philip still couldn't see him. He could see the ugly beige walls, the old looking curtains and a glimpse of a blue hospital gown. The doctor nodded at Philip and he slowly pushed the door open. 

Lukas was laying in the bed, oxygen tubes plugged inside his nose, one of those clipped thing attached on his finger, making the heart monitor beep ever two-three seconds. His left wrist had a blue brace on and his shoulder was bandaged with large tape, keeping everything in place. 

''Lukas,'' a small, shaky voice breathed as he walked closer to the elevated hospital bed.

The doctor closed the door behind Philip after telling to inform a nurse when he wakes up. Philip pulled the chair closer to the bed and sat by his side, his eyes never leaving him, afraid something bad will happen if he glance away, just like the race. It's stupid and superstitious but whatever. He doesn't want to take any risks. 

***

  Helen was quick to arrive on the spot. Magnus, being the caring friend he is, walked trough the woods in the middle of the night until he found phone service to call Helen. They didn't know what else to do with Even. With Isak. 

Mahdi stayed with Isak and soon enough, Vilde was up too. She tried convincing Isak that Even went for a walk and that he was fine but Isak wouldn't believe her. The situation wasn't to be taken lightly. Even was missing and could possibly be manic, meaning he can't think properly right now. 

''Maybe we should start looking for him,'' Vilde suggested. ''If he's in danger, like you said, something could happen to him before you mom arrives.'' 

''Vilde!'' scolded Mahdi, glaring at the blonde girl. ''Don't say shit like that, the situation isn't joking matter.'' 

Vilde's face was serious as she glanced at Isak before turning to Mahdi. ''I wasn't joking, Mahdi.'' 

The latter sighed, looking at an upset Isak sitting by what used to be a fire. He had calmed down but he was still emotionally shocked by the situation. He told Mahdi he wanted to be alone but the dark skinned boy was reluctant to leave him. He didn't want Isak to leave his sight, worried he'd have a panic attack or something. ''I know. Just...don't say things like that. Isak is worried enough as it it, you don't need to worry him more.''

She looked down and nodded sadly. Vilde doesn't know Isak very well but seeing him so sad and worried for his (boy)friend's safety made her wish they were closer. She'd like to have a friend who cares about her like that. 

''I'm worried for Even too,'' she admitted. ''We haven't spoken much but he was very nice...and hot.'' A light giggle left her lips as she thought about the way Even smiled at her when he tanked her for the cookies she baked. 

Realizing what she had said, Mahdi went rigid. Vilde's into Even? Of course she is... Mahdi didn't want to be the one to out his friends - he considers Even his friend too - but he felt bad for letting Vilde believe the older boy was available. ''Even's gay, Vilde. Or, bisexual, I don't know exactly... That's why Isak's so upset, Even is his _boyfriend_.''

''G-gay? No! Even isn't _not_ gay,'' she protested, standing up form the old tree trunk she was sitting on. ''He doesn't look or act like gays. Gays wear pink and have this feminine accent.'' 

''Those are stereotypes, not all gays behave like that. It's like saying all black people lives in the ghetto part of the city and sells drugs.'' 

Vilde frowned and stomped away, not liking that Mahdi put her in her place about her belief. She doesn't like being told she is wrong. 

The sound of a car approaching made Mahdi stand. Must be Helen. Magnus was with her, being the one who showed her the way to their campement. Headlights lit up the place and Helen parked her jeep, both she and Magnus quickly getting out of the car. 

''What happened? Where's Isak? Magnus said he wasn't doing well.'' Helen was wearing her cop uniform although her hair weren't tied up like their usually are when she's working. Mahdi pointed to where the blonde boy was sitting and she rushed over. ''Isak.'' Helen's voice was calm as she approached him. ''It's me. It's Helen. I'm here, Isak. We _will_ find him. I'll spend the whole night looking for him if that's what it takes. We'll find him, Isak, I promise.'' Isak's eyes were glued on the dead fire, too shocked to react to anything Helen was saying. She put a hand on his shoulder, hoping it'll reassure him a little. 

It was difficult for Helen to se him like this. Through her five years of working as a cop, she's seen lots people in shock after traumatic events but, none of them broke her heart like Isak did. Maybe it's because she's close to him or because the situation is heartbreaking, she can't really say. All she knows is that she will do anything to make everything better for him. 

Being the woman of the situation, Helen put in action a search plan. Everyone had their tasks. Vilde and Sonja would be staying at the campement - in case Even comes back - and the others will go in the woods and look for him. Helen gave them all flashlights, most phones being dead. Magnus had a portable charger but he used up all his battery when he went looking for signal. 

''We'll all meet here in an hour,'' said Helen and everyone nodded. ''If we haven't found him then, I'll call for reinforcement.''

 

***

  After proving Helen that he was fine, Isak was allowed to help find Even. He was very scared for his boyfriend's safety and couldn't handle just waiting for him at the campement. His head would get the best of him. Helen was hesitant to let him go on his own, worried he'd panic again and there would be no one there to help but but he assured her he was fine. 

Yeah, _fine_. 

Who was he trying to convince Helen or...himself?

Isak could feel his heat beat against his chest. The loud and steady thumping as he walked trough the mass of trees. Thump-thump, thump-thump. It was calming it a way. He focused on that, knowing if he doesn't occupy his mind, his brain will lead him to Even and that- _He_ can't. 

He could hear the echo or Mahdi, Magnus and Helen calling Even's name. Some were more faint that others but he could still hear them. Isak didn't have the heart to call his name. Pronouncing Even's name would be triggering for him. So he walked and walked and walked an-

Isak stopped dead in his track, catching a glimpse of a moving figure trough the firs. The person was wearing a white tee shirt - no jacket - and humming a song Isak couldn't recognize. It was familiar though. He squinted his eyes, trying to get a better look. He could use his flashlight but branding it in someone's eye isn't nice and it can scare them away, which, he doesn't want. He doesn't want to scare Even - _if_ that's him. 

His heart started racing, the blonde hair confirming his assumptions. It _is_ Even. 

Isak attentively studied the taller boy. He tried to look for any injury but it was hard to see from where he was standing. He seemed _okay_. 

Isak smiled, relieved to see that his boy in okay and about to go to him but his smile fell as he heard Sonja's voice in the back of his head, reminding him that this is all a game. Even doesn't feel anyhting for him, he's just being delirious. He's having a manic episode. It's all in his head. He closed his eyes for a second, feeling his eyes fill with water at the mere thought of being played by the boy he...love. He's not gonna cry. Not again. 

Pushing away his feelings, Isak crossed the patch of dirt and small trees separating him from Even.  Although he was hurting inside, he couldn't leave Even there. A part of his wished he wasn't the one who found him. Anyone but him. But he found him, now he has to bring him back to the campement - in safety - and tell the others. 

So, he stepped in and said his name. Even turned around and ran up to the younger boy.  

''Isak! I'm so happy you're here, baby,'' Even exclaimed in an overly cheerful voice. He pulled Isak into his arms, lifting his off the ground and his hold so strong Isak's shoulders were hurting a little. Even put him back down and grinned, his smile so wide and happy. _Too_ happy. 

Maybe Even _wasn't_ so okay.   

Thinking back, Isak did notice a change in his boyfriend's behavior this past week. Even was hyper, more touchy and-

''Follow me. There is something I want to show you. I saw this massive tree where a family of squirrels lives. I've been gathering tons of branches to build us a beautiful house.'' 

A house. _Right_. 

Isak stared at Even, trying to see trough him but Even couldn't stay still for five seconds. 

''We could be Tarzan and Jane- I mean, Tarzan and Jean? Is Jean fine with you? I can find something else if you don't like that name.'' Even grabbed his his chin between his thumb and index, a thoughtful look on his face. ''What about...Jace! Jace. That's a good name, right?''

Isak didn't know what to do. Should he play along, or bring him back to reality? Will Even start screaming if Isak tells him he's being delirious and that they can't live like Tarzan and Jane. He can't jump from trees to trees nor live in them. Tarzan is a _movie_ , it's not real. 

''Ehh, maybe another time?'' Isak suggested, careful with his words. ''We need to get back to the campement. Helen will take you home, you're not well, Even.'' Isak tried to not upset Even as he spoke. He doesn't want to make him angry. What if he gets violent? No, Even would _never_ hit him. 

Even rolled his eyes, tugging at Isak's sleeve. ''I'm fine, Isak. Come on, we need to go-'' The older boy started walking in direction of the massive tree he was talking about, being was pulled back a few steps in.

Isak didn't follow him. He stayed there, his two feet planted on the ground. ''No, Even, you're _not_ fine. Your nose's bleeding!'' Isak's hand came on the side of his neck, his fingers grazing the small pieces of hair at the nape. His touch was soft and calm despite the agitation inside him. Even brought a hand to his nose, a wet substance sticking on his fingers. _Blood_. 

How did he not notice he was bleeding? If something's running down your nose, you must feel it, right? Normally. Even isn't in his normal state of mind though. 

''Oh. Must be from when I fell over that big tree root.'' 

''You fell?''

Even didn't have time to reply becuase someone called their name, a flashlight being thrown in their direction. ''Isak? Even?'' a voice called. 

 _Helen_. 

Isak has never been so happy to see her. ''Helen!'' 

It was a hastle to get Even to come with them. He insisted to build that tree house for him and Isak. A house when they would live in, raise kids and have a squirrel family for neighbors. For once, Helen didn't know how to handle the situation. In cases like this, she would cuff the person and take them to the police station but the situation is different. 

''I'm not coming with you. I live here now.'' Even grabbed Isak's hand and kissed the boy's cheek sloppily. ''With Isak.'' 

''Even, you can't live here. The woods isn't a good place to live. It's dangerous.''

''I know how to survive in the woods, we'll be find,'' he assured her. He had been repeating the same stuff for over ten minutes and now Helen was getting fed up with his shit so she grabbed the teenager's arm, trying to make him follow but Even wasn't having it. He let go if Isak's hand and started yelling. ''Let go of me. I'm not going anywhere. Don't fucking touch me,'' he yelled, pulling away from Helen's touch. 

She tried to get a grip of him but he started running away and Helen had to run after him. Isak stood there, watching the scene. This boy didn't act like Even. He looked like him; they have the same blue eyes and beautiful smile but the Even Isak knows doesn't behave like this. He doesn't yell at people or trash around when you touch him. 

Helen finally caught him but he was trying to get out of her hold. She tried to calm him down but there was no use. He was already too gone. ''Even, stop trashing around or I'll have to cuff you!'' Her voice was strong and scary and Isak didn't like it. She's talking at him like he's come criminal  when he's just a boy with a mental illness. 

''Don't talk to him like that,'' warned Isak, not liking when Helen uses her cop voice. It hurt to see Even like this. To see him struggle against Helen's hold. 

''Let me do my job, Isak.'' She pulled a pair of handcuffs from her pocket and pass them on Even. ''I'm sorry but, I _have_ to do this.'' 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is so shitty, I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to do that. I'm just not that into writing Philkas anymore but I have to keep up with the writing plan. 
> 
> Thoughts on Philip lying to see Lukas? Mahdi outing Evak to Vilde? Helen coming for help? Isak finding Even? Helen having to cuff him for his safety and Isak defending?


	26. Chapter twenty-five: The aftermath

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've complained about this before and I feel like a whiny bitch for doing it again but...where is the feedback? I spend hours working on this and trying my best to update faster but I barely get feedback(kudos/comments). What is going on? Do you guys not like this story anymore?

  The ride back to civilisation was though. Even was sitting in the backseat, handcuffs on his wrists while Isak sat up front with Helen. The older boy was still agitated in the back and pleading Helen to take off the handcuffs but Helen didn't respond. She kept driving and ignored him. Even tried to speak to Isak but, just like his foster mother, he stayed silent, his forehead resting against the cool glass of the window.  

Helen called Tony to get Even's parents's number, informing them of the incident. 

The hospital took charge of the manic teenage boy. The nurse who approached them seemed to know Even because at the sight of her, Even tried to get away but Helen was quick to grad him, building him in place. 

A doctor came and sedated him. 

Isak had to look away. 

The hospital called Even's parents, informing them of their son's skid. It was almost three in the morning but they still rushed to the hospital, not caring of their physical appearance. Their unique son was at the hospital, he needed them. 

No words were exchanged on the ride home. Isak was tired and emotionally drained while Helen simply didn't know what to say. That's false. There is so many questions burning on the tip of her tongue but it just doesn't feel right to ask them now. 

 _Maybe tomorrow_ , Helen told herself.

Isak went straight to bed when they got home. Gabe was sitting in the living room, waiting for them. He tried to talk to Isak, asking if they found Even but the boy ignored him. He didn't feel like answering questions right now. The night was eventful and Isak just want to sleep. 

''Let him rest. The night was...eventful,'' said Helen, taking off her uniform jacket and hanging in on the back of the chair. 

Gabe raised an eyebrow at his wife. ''I thought you went looking for a teenager lost himself in the woods?'' 

''That's what I thought too...'' 

***

  The scan proved no major damage was made to Lukas's brain so they were free to leave on Monday morning. Bo made it to Florida during the night, taking a plane from NY to Fl since his truck was in Florida. Useful, uh? 

Despite Lukas almost begging him to stay, Philip couldn't stay by his side. He had to get back to Tivoli. He went back to the hotel on Sunday morning and packed his stuff, about to take a plane back to New York. It was expensive but that's the only way he'd get back in time. 

And, it's not like he has a car - or a licence -, Bo will need his truck to brink his son home on Monday. 

When he gets back from Florida, the first thing Philip does is text Even. He needs to tell him all about his crazy weekend. About Lukas. About the race. About...everything. 

[To: Even]

_Hey. I'm back. The trip went shit. Can we talk? I could use a friend right now..._

He waited a few minutes, hoping to see a little bubble pop on the side but nothing. Philip sighed and went to his room to unpack. He turned on the light, only to hear a groan coming from his little brother's bed.

''Can you turn off the light, please,'' asked a dead sounding Isak.

Philip frowned, turning his head to look at him. He looked like shit. The blanket was covering most of him but Philip could see a glimpse of his face. His hair were hidden under a red hoodie, a mess of blonde curls peaking at the front and his eyes were puffy and red.

''You sick?'' Isak buried himself deeper into his sheets, pulled his blanket higher, covering most of his face, shielding him from the light of the ceiling lamp. A little whine left the blonde's lips when the blanket wouldn't get any higher. ''Do you need me to get you some meds? I can ask Helen and Gabe for-''

''Don't need any.''

''You sure?'' he asked, raising an eyebrow at his brother. Isak hummed. Philip frowned. Something is up with Isak, he doesn't hide under his blanket during the day unless he's feeling ill or something's bothering him. ''Alright...''

Philip accepted his defeat, knowing Isak wasn't gonna open up and say what is up, and went to his bed and unloaded everything that was inside his bag. Clothes, broken camera - he's not excited to explain this to Helen -, phone charger, book, toiletries... 

''Fucking hell, Even. Why aren't you replying? You're always so fast...''

Isak peaked out of under his blanket when he heard Even's name being pronounced. ''Even? You texting Even?'' Isak asked and Philip nodded slowly. ''Even is at the hospital.'' 

Looking up from his phone, Philip frowned in confusion. _What_? ''The _hospital_? Why is he at the hospital?''

Should he tell Philip about Even's mental illness? No. It's not his place to tell. But again, it wasn't Sonja's place to tell either when she dropped the bomb on Isak yesterday. 

''We went camping with a group of friends this weekend and he had an...incident.'' 

''An _incident_? Care to elaborate, you're not being very precise, Isak.'' 

''I don't know what the fuck happened, Philip! All I know it that we were sleeping  and when I woke up, Even was gone and now my boyfriend is at the hospital and I'm worried about him but, I'm also confused because it might all be a big fucking joke, Even might have been playing me all this time and I don't know how to feel about tha-''

Pause. 

Did Isak just say he is dating Even? Shit is about to go down... Philip is going to be so mad. He knew he and Even were talking, he was okay with that. Sure, Even is older but he's not a bad guy. But _dating_ , this different. This is fucking different. 

''Even is your _boyfriend_?!'' Philip boomed, his loud voice echoing inside the house. Isak never saw him so angry before. He was angrier than when he found out about the ecstasy or the weed. Angrier than when he kicked out their mom's seventh boyfriend two months before they moved to Tivoli. It was scary to see him so worked up. ''Even is the one who hurt you? He's the one who played with your feelings?''

''He didn't play with my feelings...''

''He made you fucking _cry_.''

Isak gulped at the memories. It was true. Even did make him cry. But, he also made him happy. So, _so_ happy. The good times over-weighted the bad. ''Even might be your friend but, you don't know shit about _us_.''

***

It was crazy and selfish but Philip didn't care. He _had_ to do it. 

For the first time ever, Philip found himself visiting two different hospitals, in a different state, on the same weekend. He didn't tell Isak where he was going when he left, knowing the younger boy would try to stop him.

He got Even's room number from the reception - apparently he was allowed visits - and bursted in without warning, not caring if Even's parents were in the room or not.  Even was sitting up in the hospital bed, his face a shade or two paler than usual. He had dark bags under his eyes and his hair were looking all kind of crazy. He didn't flinch or move an inch when Philip walked in. He continued staring down at his blue-green hospital blanket that covered his legs and most of his upper body. 

He looked... _dead_.

"I thought we were friends,'' he started. Philip snickered, fake humor in his voice. ''Although, I doubt friends stab each other in the back. You betrayed my trust, Even. You went behind my back and dated my little brother, Isak. Not only that but, you broke his heart. Not once, twice. You did one time and made it all better but, then, you went and did it again. Do you have fun playing with people's feelings like this? Is that why you befriended me? To get close to my little brother? This is _sick_. What the fuck is wrong with you?" 

He was so angry at Even for betraying him like that and hiding this from him. Isak is his baby brother, not one is allowed to hurt him in any ways. Philip has said hurtful things to Isak in his life and vice versa but that doesn't mean he doesn't love him. They're brothers, there will _always_ be love between them, no matter how hard their fight. 

If Philip would've paid attention or just looked at his friend before starting to yell at him, maybe he wouldn't have said all those things. Maybe he would've noticed he was in bad shape. 

Not giving Even any time to explain himself or just say something, anyhting, Philip started again, this time, threatening him. ''You hurt my little brother again and I'll kill you, Even. I'll fucking kill you. I don't want you to talk to him or go near him again. _Ever_.''

And just like that, Philip left the hospital room, closing the door loudly behind him. If only he had seen the tears prickling at the corner of his blue eyes, maybe Philip would see that Even feels bad for hurting Isak. He didn't want to hurt his precious angel. But he did. He went all psycho on their camping trip and scared him away.

A nurse rushed to Even's room quickly after the brunette left to check on him. This kind of behavior is disturbing for patients and rude to everyone around them. She will make sure to advise Even's parents that visits are now closed unless you're family. She can't let that happen again. 

''Are you okay? Do you need anything? A glass of water? I can call your mom too-''

Even shook his head in an almost robotic way and turned his back to her, pulling the blanket up to his chin and closing his eyes. A soft, tired sigh left his lips. He was _exhausted_. 

They gave him mood stabilizers, antipsychotics and antidepressants at lunch so he's pretty drugged up. His medications makes him tired and he also can't feel a thing. He feels _dead_ inside. That's why he stopped taking them, because of the shitty side effects. He was still taking his prescription when he started developing feeling for a certain blond boy two years younger than him. It was thrilling and new, Even never felt something like this before - not even for Sonja who was his girlfriend at the time. Knowing his medication was keeping him from feeling things, he  sort of stopped taking his meds. He was feeding on his feelings for Isak and wanted to feel _moremoremore._

And, moremoremore did he feel. He was so _in love_ with Isak. His love for him kept him awake at night. He would get up in the middle of the night and draw tons sketches of him and Isak. Sometimes, he stayed awake in his bed and imagined multiple scenarios starring him and Isak. He would also send Isak a bunch of texts, quotes, lyrics or just funny pictures during the night and Isak would laugh and send cute heart emojis - sometimes it was a sleepy selfie of him, which Even made sure to save into his phone - when he'd wake up which never failed to make Even's heart swell. 

A light knock on the door pulled Even away from his sleep. He tried falling back asleep but the familiar and loving voice of his mother made him turn over to look at her, still not feeling well enough to sit up. He was still so tired. 

''How are you, honey?'' she asked, sitting on the chair beside his bed and carding a hand trough his blonde fringe. She made sure to keep a smile on whenever Even had an episode, knowing if she let her mood go down it will be difficult to get back up. And, she needs to be strong for her son. ''Did Sonja pass by? She said she's come.''

Even looked down at the mention of his ex girlfriend. He doesn't want to see her. 

''Dad should pass by after work too. He was busy with meetings all day but he promised to come and check on you.'' Mrs Bech Naesheim's smiled turned into a mild frown. ''Miss Baker said someone visited you this afternoon. She said a boy about your age made a scene and disturbed the whole floor. What happened, Even?'' 

His mom didn't think he would actually give her an explanation. Even doesn't talk much when he's coming down from a manic episode. He's quiet and sleeps a lot. His parents don't expect a lot from him on moments like this. They just want him to get better.

Even blinked, his fist tightening around the blanket, his voice barely a whisper and cracking a little as he pronounced the name of the one he loves so much he went off his meds for. The one who's always on his mind, days and night. The one he'd do anything for. ''I've hurt Isak.'' 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter, I know. I wanted to focus on the aftermath of Even's manic episode. It was kind of a 'part 3' of the camping trip. Sorry for the absence of gifs in this chapter, they will be back in the next one, I promise! Don't forget to leave kudos and comments, xx
> 
> Thoughts on Isak accidentally telling Philip about his relationship with Even? Philip going to the hospital to yell at him? Even being depressed and sad? What do you think will happen in the last few chapters?


	27. Chapter twenty-six: Much needed explainations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for the feedback <3 I'm just not feeling great at the moment - sorry if you can tell trough my writing, I use too much dialogue. I know I'm asking a lot but I feel shitty and reading comments makes me feel a little less shitty. I hope this feeling goes away soon, so sick of feeling like this. Feeling...numb.
> 
> Now, let's talk about Season 4! What do you guys think of the first episode/clips? I only saw Evak once and I'm hungry for more <3 They are SO cute. Sana's brother is friends with guys from Bakka? Does that mean they all know Even? (Aside from Michael who used to be his best friend) Am I the only one who didn't register/know that Elias (Jonas's friend from season 1) was Sana's brother? The girls trying to find a new man for Noora?

  If Isak thought he got away from talking to Helen and Gabe on Sunday morning, he was wrong. The two adults waited until after dinner to go and talk to him, almost making Isak believe they had forgot. When he saw them both in the doorway of his bedroom, looking at him expectantly, he knew they hadn't forgot. 

''Isak, can we talk for a moment?'' Helen asked, poking her head trough the doorway. Philip was in the barn, working on some school project, aka watching YouTube videos and trying to repair his cam- the camera he _stole_. Helen has yet to talk to him about the camera. It won't be a joyful conversation... 

It was the perfect moment to talk about what happened with Even. 

''I don't want to talk about it, Helen,'' Isak said, looking at her with pleading eyes and if Gabe hadn't pushed her forward, she would've went back to the kitchen. She doesn't want to admit it but, she has a soft spot for Isak. She grew close to him since he moved in with them, more so than Philip. She still struggles with this one.

'' _We_ want to,'' insisted Gabe, following behind Helen inside the room. 

''I owe you explanations, Isak. I didn't want to push you when we came home, I knew you were tired and that it had been a long tome but, I think now is time.'' She sat down on the end of his bed and Gabe too the desk chair. Helen looked up at Gabe for confidence and he nodded at her encouragingly. It's not because she's a grown woman that she doesn't need a little encouragements. Being a parent is difficult for her and she is thankful to have a loving husband who is there to help and support her on moments like this. ''I want you to understand that what I did was only to protect Even from himself...and us. He was out of control.'' 

''I know. I-I'm not mad at you, Helen,'' Isak assured her, playing with the fabric of his blanket. ''I just- Can we not talk about Even right now?'' 

Helen frowned. ''Did you two get into a fight?'' 

Isak shook his head. 

A fight? Of course not. It was more of a...disagreement. Even and him weren't on the same page as far as their feelings go. Isak was in love while Even was...manic. Whatever it means.

''What happened? I thought you two were good friends?'' 

Good friends? They were way passed this status. 

''We... It's complicated.'' 

''Do you want to talk about it?'' The blonde bite his lip and Gabe shared a knowing look with his wife. ''Isak, is there something you'd like to tell us?''

Isak opened his mouth, about to tell them that there is nothing he wants to say but he couldn't. Helen and Gabe are his foster parents, he shouldn't be hiding thing like that to them. He should feel 

''There's kind of a..thing between- _wa_ _s_ ,'' he corrected himself. Isak cleared his throat, feeling sweat form in the palms of his hands. ''Even and me. We're- We _were_...we were kinda together.''

''Really? That's cool, Isak,'' said Gabe, the smile on his face reassuring the blonde. ''That's really great. I'm happy for you.''  

''You don't understand...'' he trailed.

Did they hear him? Did they not notice how he used past tense? His relationship with Even is...to be forgotten. They're no longer a thing. According to Sonja, there _never_ was a thing between them and it feels like a stab in the heart.

''It's okay to like boys, Isak. Gabe and I won't judge you if you are gay.'' She paused, waiting for an answer but Isak seemed to have moved to another planet as she caught his starting into nothing. He wasn't listening. ''Are you?'' 

''What? Am I what?'' he said, snapping out of his thoughts.

''Gay.''

The word took him by surprise. Fuck, fuck, _fuck_. He just came out to Helen and Gabe. _Fuck_. 

Isak looked down which confirmed Helen's question. 

''You don't look surprised?''

Helen smiled and Gabe shared, once again, a knowing look with his wife. ''You ran here when it was pitch dark when I called you saying some boy named Even came to see you. Last weekend, when we were in the jeep, I saw the beaming look on your face when you talked about him. You were so upset when you found out he was missing...and, I saw him kissing your cheek and holding your hand yesterday.'' Helen couldn't stop smiling. Isak went trough a lot, he deserves a break of shitty things and some happiness. ''Don't think it didn't see that.'' 

They knew. Of course they knew. Isak and Even thought they were being subtle. Turned out they weren't becuase Gabe and Helen both figured them out. 

''Can you both leave now, I'd like to get started on the homework I have to hand tomorrow first hour.'' 

The both nodded and stood, leaving the room. After they left, Isak grabbed his laptop and instead of searching for information on World War II for his History homework - he didn't lie, he do have a homework to hand tomorrow -, he typed: _bipolar_.

***

  Isak was sitting alone at lunch, a tray of uneaten food in front of him. He wasn't hungry but he only figured that out once he sat down... Now, he paid for this food and he's not going to eat it. Great. 

All he can think about is _Even_. 

He did some research online last night but, Isak isn't quite sure he understands what bipolar means. He read about mood swings and the manic episodes made him turn off his laptop. Every lines he'd read would bring back flashback of _that_ night. 

''I tried calling you yesterday. You didn't answer.'' Jonas sat down next to him, Magnus following behind. ''We wrapped up all of you and Even's stuff and brought it over to my house. I was so bummed you guys left in the middle of the night.'' 

''Talking about Even, why did you mom handcuff him?'' Magnus asked.

Jonas's eyes widen. He didn't know about that part. ''She _handcuffed_ him? What the fuck?'' He chuckled, unwrapping his sandwich. ''Did she find the weed or something?'' 

The weed. Yeah. If only it was the reason she handcuffed him... Isak wished it was only that. He would probably still be with Even if that were the case. Or maybe not. Being caught with drugs won't make his mental illness disappear. It's always going to be there, it's a part of him.

''Thanks,'' Isak said, being very brief with his reply and not answering Jonas's question. Even's manic episode is a sensitive subject.  

Jonas didn't get the memo apparently because he asked again. ''Seriously, what happened?'' he pushed.

Isak stared down at his tray of food, praying Jonas would drop the subject and stop insisting. 

''Where the fuck where you while all of us were looking for Even? I didn't see you. Or Eva. Or Chris...oh my god, did you guys have a threesome?'' Magnus asked, being the no-filtered person he is. 

''With _Chris_? Ew, no. Are you fucking mental?'' 

Magnus laughed and stood up, going to grab some more chips from the canteen. His bag was deflated and there were just...crumbs. Who wants to eat chips crumbs? The canteen lady probably stepped on them before giving him the bag. That bitch. 

Jonas started eating his sandwich while Isak was lost in his own head. He wanted to tell the boys but, at the same time, he didn't want to. It wasn't an easy decision, Even's privacy was implicated too. _He_ is the one with the mental illness. He should ask him first if it's okay to tell Jonas and Magnus - Mahdi isn't there today. 

After a moment of hesitation, Isak decided it was better to spill the beans than keep everything to himself. Last time he kept a big secret from his friends, it weighted on his shoulder and became irritable. 

''Even lost it.'' Jonas lifted his head from his tray, eyebrow raised and waiting for Isak to explain. ''He left in the middle of the night and tried to build a tree house for us. He thought we could live like Tarzan and Jane. 

''Huh?!''

''Apparently he's...bipolar.''

''Who's bipolar?'' Magnus asked, getting back to their table with his new bag of chips. ''My mom is also bipolar.'' 

Isak stared at Magnus, mouth half agape. ''You've got a crazy mom?''

''She's not crazy, she's bipolar,'' he corrected.

''Yeah but, how is she?''

''She's fucking awesome. She's...You've met her, uh?'' Magnus asked, turning to Jonas who nodded. 

''Yeah? Yeah, she's...normal.'' 

Isak never met Magnus's mom. He only met Jonas's. Maybe if he had met her his opinion on mentally ill people wouldn't be the same. His mom, Anne, is an addict and addicts are considered mentally ill which is another reason Isak thinks Even is crazy. And, he witnessed his manic episode. He saw how out of control and out of character the older boy was. His mind was focused on one thing and it was the only thing on his mind. He didn't want to see any other possibilities. All he wanted was to build that fucking tree house and nothing else. 

Magnus nodded in agreement, opening his bag of chips and taking one into his mouth. ''Like, there are periods when she's depressed or stoked. Who are you guys talking about?'' He was talking about mental illness so freely and easily, making it sound like it wasn't a big deal. 

''Uh, Even. He's also bipolar.'' Magnus nodded as if it was nothing shocking. Isak continued. ''He tried to build a tree house, thinking we could live in the woods like Tarzan and Jane.''

Magnus laughed. ''Seriously? This is fucking hilarious.'' 

Isak wasn't laughing. He couldn't be more serious. ''It's _not_ funny.''

''It's comical though. What the fuck... You know what my mom did once? She wrote a long ass letter to her boss saying she was quitting her job. She made sure to include his fat nose and his inability to drink coffee without making gross coffee stains on his dress shirt in her letter as motives of her departure. It was hilarious.'' Magnus laughed at the memories and went back to being serious. ''But, where is Even now?'' 

Isak was confused. Why is Magnus asking that? ''At home, I guess.''

''Yeah, not physically but like, in his head. Is he stoked or is he depressed?''

''I haven't talked to him.'' 

''Why not?''

Isak scoffed, Sonja's words still fresh in his mind. ''Because everything's been bullshit on his part.''

''What do you mean?''

''You know, he's been manic.''

Magnus frowned, confused at his turn. ''You've been with him for quite some time, he hasn't been manic the whole time. Like, when my mom is manic, it's like, I can't get in contact with her. You've had a lot of contact with Even.''

Isak gave Magnus a look, not knowing where his friend was going with this. ''Yeah... But Sonja said he's been manic the whole time.''

''Sonja? Who's Sonja?'' 

''Even's ex. Vilde invited her on the camping trip.'' 

Now Magnus remembers her. She's the blonde chick who stuck to his future girlfriend all weekend and ruined all his chances of having some alone time with Vilde. Magnus hates Sonja even more now. She fed bullshit to his best friend as a revenge for stealing her boyfriend. That's so ugly. 

Magnus gave Isak a look that said ' _are you seriously so dumb?_ '. ''So you trust his ex saying he doesn't have feelings for you? Smart Isak! Best thing I've heard all day! Wow.'' Magnus paused, discouraged. ''Wow. How about asking _Even_ how _he_ feels? He's not brain-dead just because he had a manic episode, right? Just talk to him when he has calmed down.'' 

''That's actually very smart, Mags,'' said Jonas, getting back into the conversation. ''It's a really good advice.''

Magnus huffed. ''I always give good advice!'' 

Jonas laughed and went back to his food. _Yeah, sure, Magnus..._

***

  After school, Philip went over to Lukas's house to visit him. He wasn't on bed rest but Bo didn't want him to leave the house nor use his bike. Philip felt bad for leaving Lukas in Florida but Helen was already mad over the stolen camera, he wasn't in a good place to ask her a favor. 

He didn't ring the doorbell when he arrived on the Waldenbeck's property. Lukas had texted him and said to let himself in, he's upstairs. He's bruised and his body ache from his accident. The less walking the better for his recovery. Philip was nervous to walk in just like that. What if Lukas's father is home? He was already not happy when he saw who Lukas had brought in Florida. The man was convinced Lukas had went with _Rose_. What? Did Lukas not tell him they broke up?

An empty box of pizza was on the floor by Lukas's bed when Philip showed up and a pile of untouched schoolwork and textbooks just next to it. Thanks Bo for getting this from school this morning...

Lukas's head snapped up when he saw the brunette. ''Philip! My savior. I was starting to die of boredom.'' 

At first, the idea of staying home and watching TV all day sounded amazing but Lukas quickly got bored of watching cooking show and various celebrities's talk shows. 

Philip laughed and sat on the bed, deposing his school bag on the floor. ''Hey. How is your shoulder?'' 

''Numbed? This shit is strong.'' Lukas pointed at the bottle of painkillers on his nightstand. Just by the size of the pills - they were huge - Philip knew they were morphine. ''I'm sorry my dad threw you out of the hospital and blew off your cover to the nurse. I wish you would've stayed instead of him. He's not good company.''

Hearing this made Philip's heart warm. It took Philip time to figure out Lukas's language but once he got the hang of it, he understands him more. This is Lukas's way of saying he likes Philip. It's like a silent 'I love you'. 

''That's not how I planned this weekend to go, you know. This is all this Flinch asshole's fault. He did a dirty fishtail and a rock got stuck and blocked my tire, fucking prick. He didn't even get disqualified!''

''I was so scared when I saw you laying there, on the track. I thought-'' 

''Hey, I'm fine.'' Lukas used his good hand to squeeze Philip's arm. ''I'm a little damaged, but I'll heal up.'' His voice was soft and reassuring, this is new. Lukas smiled, changing the mood. ''Let's go outside, I'm sick of being trapped inside this house. I need fresh air.'' 

''Didn't your father say-'' 

''My dad's not here,'' Lukas cut in. 

With struggle, Philip helped Lukas dress up. It wasn't cold outside but he couldn't exactly go out without bare chested. With joggers and a blue and gray tee shirt on, they left Lukas's bedroom and headed to the stairs. Lukas winced as he descended the first set of stairs and Philip paled, grabbing Lukas's good arm for support.  

''You okay? We can go back if you don't feel good.''

Lukas smiled fondly at the caring teenage boy. ''I'll be fine, I can do it.'' 

It took them more time than normal to get to the first floor but they managed. Lukas led Philip to the back door and then to the old garage his father uses for storage. Bo never goes there, it's where he put all the things he wants to forget, where he put Lukas's mom's stuff. But, Philip doesn't know that. 

They sat down on an old couch, barely big enough to fit them both. It was worn in and ripped a couple places. You could also feel the springs when you sit down. Sounds comfortable, uh? Lukas sat first and Philip helped him sit, acting like a good nursing assistant. 

The blonde patted the spot next to him. ''It's a tight fit but, we'll squeeze, yeah?''

Philip smiled and sat beside him. It was weird to see Lukas being so...confident with his feelings. He sounded like a completely different person. Even more so when he kissed Philip's cheek when the later sat down. _What_? 

Taking his headphones out of his pocket, Philip plugged them on his phone and handed one to Lukas. He needs to busy himself becuase if he thinks too much, he'll let himself be fooled by Lukas Waldenbeck once again. ''It must suck to not being allowed any physical activities so...I made us a playlist,'' said Philip. ''To keep you from boredom. Must be boring to be trapped inside, alone, all day.'' 

Lukas smiled and put his arm around Philip's shoulder, bringing him to his side which surprised the brunette. Philip didn't comment on it and just leaned into Lukas's body. If that's what Lukas is ready to give, Philip will gladly take it. 

When Philip came home around seven o'clock, he had a happy smile on his lips, still on a happy cloud with a certain blonde motocross racer. It didn't last long because his happiness was quickly kicked out of the picture when he saw Helen was waiting for him. ''I told you to come straight here after school! We still need to talk about that camera you stole.''

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts on Isak coming out to Helen and Gabe? Searching about bipolar disorder online? Magnus talking about his mom and teaching Isak about bipolar people? Phillip going to see Lukas after school? Him taking care of Lukas? Lukas being weirdly affectionate and confident?
> 
> Don't forget to leave kudos and comments, I love reading you all and replying to your comments when I wake up, xx


	28. Chapter twenty-seven: Don't let go

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Am I the only one who misses Evak on the show? Although it's still early in the season, there is a lack of action on the show in my opinion. It's nothing personal on Sana's character but I'm a little...bored. Or, maybe it's because I'm not attracted to Yousef? (I'm a Penetrator Chris girl;) ) I'm also sick of the love triangle trope, it's everywhere D:
> 
> Warning: Brace yourself guys! ;)

  The week had been long. Philip was grounded for stealing the camera and instead of going home, Philip was forced to walk to the police station everyday after school. Home was too free for him. Philip could watch the television, go on his computer or simply flee while Helen was at work. She also confiscated his phone, this way he would have no access to internet or his friends. It was a strict punition but Philip stole a DSLR _and_ broke it. They're going to have to pay for this expensive camera because they can't return it broken. 

Friday was different. 

Helen was working a late shift and sent Philip home around nine o'clock. He looked tired and Helen felt back for keeping him awake. The doctor said he needed to sleep or he'll faint again. Sleep deprivation is a serious topic. 

''You're letting me go home?'' Philip asked, surprised. A part of him thought she was joking but she wasn't. 

''Yeah. I'm gonna be here for a couple hours still and you've done all your homework and helped me with some papers, I think you deserves a break.'' She closed the open file in front of her, placing it on top of the others. ''You go straight home, though,'' she warned, pointing a finger at the teenager. 

He nodded and packed his stuff, waving at her as he pushed open the door of her office. 

The air was chilly and Philip was glad he brought a jacket with him this morning. Walking in Tivoli during the night is very different than the city. Contrarily to New York, stores close their lights at night, the streets aren't filled with traffic and other than the fewer street lamps, the village is pretty dark. In other words, Tivoli looks _dead_ at night. 

Philip took a shirt cut by the cemetery, sick of stepping into water puddles. His shoes are all wet not and it's very uncomfortable and cold. This is one of the reasons he hates Tivoli. It's always cold and gloomy and depressing. New York is more lively. 

After the cemetery, the brunette took the alley to bridge he always takes to go to Lukas's house. Cars never pass on this bridge, it's too old. It's mostly for pedestrians and cyclists. 

A few meters down the bridge, Philip saw someone standing on the other side of the railing. What the fuck. He started walking faster and the closer he got, the better he could see the person. It was a guy and he was tall. Probably his age too. He could only the person's back but it looked familiar. The wind blew and he caught a glimpse of the person's hair. They were blonde. 

Philip got closer and his heart started racing and he could feel himself panic. It was him; his best friend, _Even_. He was standing on the other side of the bridge's railing, about to jump. 

Although he was still mad at him for dating and hurting his brother, Philip couldn't continue walking as if he didn't see him. Even wants to kill himself. He can't let him. He has to intervene. ''Even? Even!'' he yelled, trying to get his attention and stay calm. The latter was very important yet so difficult. Philip didn't yell to loudly. He didn't want to startle him. Even might lose balance and _fall_. 

Philip ran up to where Even was, stopping once he was behind him but on the safe side of the bridge. He was tempted to call Helen for help but figured she wouldn't get here in time. And a part of him was afraid Even would jump off the bridge if calls the cops. Philip wouldn't be able to live with the guilt if that were to happen. 

Even was wearing a hoodie and a beanie was covering his hair. His long legs were shaking as the wind started to blow again. Philip's been in life or death situations before with his mom. He saved her from overdose more than once. He _knows_ what to do. When it comes to suicide, he's completely clueless. 

Even hasn't been at school all week. 

His parents took him home Tuesday afternoon and he has barely moved from his bed ever since otehr than for bathroom breaks. He slept, mostly. His mom brought him food but he couldn't bear himself to eat it. He wasn't hungry. 

On Wednesday, Sonja came over but Even ignored her. He stayed in his bed and faced the wall until she left. He didn't understand why she kept coming when she knew he doesn't want to see her. Wasn't he clear enough the last time? 

Thursday was a sad day. Even woke up from another dreamless night and he was so, so exhausted. Although sleeping is all he's been doing this past couple days, he never feels enough rested. So he took a nap. After his fifth nap, he wanted to text Isak - he misses him so much - but remembered Philip's warning. He didn't text him. 

The night of Thursday to Friday was long. The teenager did a _lot_ of thinking during that night. He thought about how his parents must be sick of him; he's such is a burden. They had to take days off to take care of him.His friends all left him, overwhelmed and scared of all the bagage Even came with. His best friend told him straight up he never wanted to see him again, that he was dead to him. And there's _Isak_. Isak, to who Even broke his perfectly good heart and made the very first scar. He'll never forgive himself for it. 

Why staying, then?

He thought about it all day and, when the night came, Even left his house without his parents noticing and walked to that bridge. He let his feet guide him and found himself on the other side of the railing, his cold and shaking hands gripping on the railing being the only thing keeping him from falling. There wasn't much space on the otehr side of their railing. One false move and...it's _over_. 

He was just so sad and so lonely and so alone.   

''Don't do this.'' Philip was so scared he couldn't move. ''Even. Even...Even, don't do this,'' the boy pleaded. Even got closer to the edge and Philip's heart almost stopped. _Fuck_. He needs to do something. ''Wait, get down, please.'' 

Even looked at Philip over his shoulder and Philip felt guilt build inside him. Even looked like a ghost was living inside him. His animated features - sparkling blue eyes, expressive eyebrows and contagious smile - were nonexistent. His face was blank, emotionless. 

He's is his best friend, how did he not notice Even wasn't doing well? He was so wrapped up in his own problems that he didn't notice Even wasn't okay. That he was sad and hated his life enough to the point where he want to end it. That he was...suicidal. Did...did  _he_ drive him over the edge? He was harsh at the hospital but the truth is, Philip didn't mean those things. 

''I'm sorry. I-I didn't mean those things at the hospital. I just...I wanted to protect my little brother. I thought I was doing the right thing but-'' Philip stopped himself as rain started to pour, falling over their head and making the railing more slippery. 

 _Oh no_. This is _not_ good.

Even closed his eyes as the rain fell on him, drenching his clothes. He was scared to jump, he would be lying if he said he wasn't. Jumping off a bridge _is_ scary. You fall into the void with nothing to hold on in case you change your mind mid way. The fall is only a few seconds long due to gravity but the impact when he'd reach the ground might not be fatal. There's _nothing_ worst that missing your shot. You're gonna be stuck with everyone knowing what you tried to do and failed. Watchful eyes and judgmental stares from family, friends and even strangers.

His bottom lip trembled as he spoke the next words, ''I love you, Isak.'' His voice was barely above a whisper. Philip couldn't hear him over the rain, it was falling harder now. 

Even's left hand let go of the railing and Philip sprung forward. ''No!'' He reached and grabbed the blonde's arm, holding him tightly just as he let go of the railing with his other hand, the only thing keeping Even from falling was Philip's death grip on him.  

*** 

 ''Stay here, I'll grab you some dry clo-'' Philip said, stopping when he saw Isak on his bed with his lap top propped on his legs, watching a movie. ''Isak? I thought you were at Jonas's...'' 

''Jonas has stomach flu. We cancelled,'' Isak explained, not pausing his film nor taking his eyes off his screen. He's still mad at Philip for doing what he did. He had no right to go to the hospital and say those shitty things to Even who must already felt like shit. 

''I, erm...I didn't know you would be here.'' 

''Well, I am. I live here too, don't I?'' Philip sighed. The situation just got more complicated. ''You brought a friend over?''

''Not exactly...'' 

Isak gave him a look, waiting for explanations. ''I was on my way here when I bumped into someone. No. I didn't bump into someone, I _saw_ someone...standing on the railing of the bridge, about to...jump.'' This time, Isak paused his movie. Philip had all his attention. ''I couldn't just leave him there, I- Just, I'll be right back. Don't flip.'' 

Philip left the room and Isak was an anxious mess. What the fuck? You don't say things like that to people and leave them hanging. 

He hears some shuffling coming from the kitchen and them some padding in the hallway. Isak's heart stopped when he saw the person standing behind his brother. Even. Is Even the person who- No. No, no,  _no_. Did Even try to- Isak felt something biter come up his throat. 

His green eyes took Even in; his face was pale and his eyes shadowed with exhaustion. There was a fragility in those blue eyes that wrenched at Isak's heart, he had never imagined seeing Even so defenseless before. His lips were dry and chapped, probably dehydrated. The old hoodie he was wearing along the beanie sitting on top of his head told Isak he didn't care about his appearance. He looked faded, like the life had been drained out of him.

'' _Even_.'' 

He blinked, his blue eyes not looking away from Isak. 

Isak closed the lid of his laptop and stood up. Philip excused himself and left, leaving the two boys alone. Isak crossed the distance between them until he stood in front of him. Even watched every move he made but said nothing.  

Carefully, Isak stepped into Even's personal space. He cupped Even's face gently, sweeping his thumb over his cheekbone, the back of his hand brushing against the fabric of Even's hoodie. His breath itched at the touch and he closed his eyes for a second or two, looking straight into Isak's green eyes when he re-opened them. For a second, he thought he was dreaming. That this wasn't real. That Isak wasn't there for real. That he was still... _alone_.

Isak pressed their forehead together, their noses rubbing against each other in their own way. The touch was intimate despite being so banal. Isak's hand moved down from his cheek until it reached the damp curls at the nape of his neck, peaking from under his beanie, frowning when he felt the wetness of Even's hoodie. Even leaned into Isak's touch, missing the familiar feeling. Isak moved to his closet and picked up a black tee shirt and grey sweatpants. He saw Even shiver from the corner of his eyes when he looked the his best pair of sweatpants. Even deserves the best, according to Isak.  

He handed the clothes to Even but the older boy just stared at them, making no move to put them on or take the pile from Isak's hands. Taking the matter into his own hands, Isak put the dry clothes on his bed and helped Even. Maybe he's too drained to change? Isak tugged off all his layers, fingers raking through Even's blond hair to push it back from his face. He didn't mind helping him. 

 Isak slid his arms around Even's back and hugged him tight. His bare chest was pressed against him but somehow, it felt like Even was _miles_ away. He pulled back from the hug and pushed the tee shirt over Even's head, helping him pass his arms in the armholes. 

Once he was fully dressed, Isak stepped back and looked at him. He looked so small and fragile, like he was going to shatter on the floor at any moment.  _When was the last time you slept? What drove you over the edge? Do you hurt yourself? What can I do?_ There was so many questions burning on the tip of Isak's tongue but he swallowed them all. _Later_ , he told himself. 

He led Even to his bed, putting his laptop on the desk to make room for him. Even sat down and watched as Isak threw some bits and bobs on the floor. _What's this pen doing in my bed? And this sock?!_ He's such a messy boy... 

Isak sat down next to him. ''Do you wanna...talk?'' he asked. Even looked at him with tears in his eyes. Probably too soon. He just got Even back and he's already fucking up... Great! ''Are you tired? We could sleep if you-'' Isak stopped himself when he heard a small sob coming from Even. _Shit_. Isak wrapped his arms around the older boy, pulling him to his chest as he cried. He's never held anyone while they cried, Isak doesn't know what to do. _Should he say something? Should he let him cry in silence? Should he call someone?_ Isak kissed the top of Even's head, pressing his cheek to his hair. 

He knew he was doing the right thing when he felt Even's arms wrap around his middle, holding him just as tight. ''I'm sorry,'' Even apologized, after a few minutes of crying, his voice quiet and strained with tears. Isak held him tighter. _There's nothing to apologize for_ , he wanted to say. _You're perfect, Even. You're fucking perfect. I love you._

''Shhh, let's just sleep. Okay? We can talk later. If you feel like it.'' 

Even nodded slowly, just a little and Isak guided him down on his mattress, pulling the covers over them. It was a tight fit but if they managed. Isak wrapped his arms around his boyfriend, for once being the big spoon. It felt weird for Isak to be the big spoon; it's _always_ Even who holds him. They can switch, Isak is fine with it, as long as Even's there, with him... _safe_. 

The older boy took most of the pillow but, for once, Isak didn't care. He wasn't sleepy anyway. Not like he would be able to get much sleep after tonight. Even almost jumped off a fucking bridge. Even, _his_ Even, wanted to _end his life_. The situation overwhelming and so, so scary. 

What if Philip hadn't been there? What if Helen had kept him at the police stating until her shift ended? 

Even would be _dead_.

And, Isak wouldn't have had a chance to let him explain himself. Even would have died thinking Isak didn't love him, that he hated him.

Isak stopped himself from thinking too much. He can't let his mind wander to all those 'what if's' because he'd end up crying. 

It didn't take time for Even to fall asleep. He was mentally drained and exhausted from all the walking he did tonight. His medication makes him sleepy too. Isak watched him sleep for a moment. He pushed the blanket from his body and wrapped it around Even, tucking him tightly to keep him warm. 

Isak pressed his face in his boyfriend's back, breathing him in. _He's here_. ''I love you. Don't leave me,'' Isak mumbled against Even't back. He knew Even couldn't hear him, it just felt good to finally say those words out lout. 

 

***

  He stayed with Even for a few hours, just watching him sleep. He tried to sleep a little but he couldn't. His mind was anything but at peace; a whirlwind of emotions jostled in his head. Isak stood to take a breather. He needed to get out of the room for a moment. It didn't matter if it was only for a few seconds, he just needed a break. 

 ''How is he?'' Philip asked as soon as Isak walked out, sincerely worried for his friend. Helen wasn't back yet and Gabe was out of town with his colleagues for a fishing trip so he was sitting in the kitchen, waiting anxiously for Isak to give him news about Even. He's starting to feel like Helen when she's worried about him... 

Isak closed the door behind him and sighed, pressing his back against the wall of the hallway, releasing a breath he didn't know he was holding. ''He's sleeping.'' 

The brunette stood, walking over to his brother when he saw the look on the younger boy's face. ''It's gonna be alright, Isak,'' Philip promised, pulling Isak in a hug, something that hasn't happened in a long time. It was weird - despite being younger, Isak is taller than Philip - but Isak didn't reject the hug. He hugged his brother back. He needed this. He needed to be reassured and told that everything will be alright.

''I don't know what to do,'' Isak admitted, his voice muffled by Philip's tee shirt. 

Advice aren't Philip's forth but Isak needs his help so tried to be helpful despite his lack of experience in advice giving. ''It's not gonna be easy but, be there for him. Just...be _there_.''

They pulled away and Isak rubbed his face with his hands. ''How did you manage to take care of mom for so long? She's a drug addict, it must be harder to keep up with than someone who's bipolar and depressed. How did you do it, Philip?'' Isak was desperately asking for help, now. 

Philip took his time to think about what to say and came up with the most simple yet true answer. '' _Love_.'' Isak was confused so Philip carried on. ''I love her. And, love is taking care of people. Love is being there for them when they need you. Good time _and_ shitty time. Love is forgiving. Love is helping them.'' 

Isak said nothing, taking in his brother's wise words. He wanted to believe him but it sounded so silly. How can a feeling solve problems? It doesn't makes sense. 

''I'm sorry I said those thing to him, I-I thought I was doing the right thing but...I wasn't. It was rude and insensible to yell at him at the hospital. Even's a good guy, I'm glad he's the one dating my baby brother.'' Isak smiled faintly. ''It's not my business who you dates; as long as you're happy.'' Philip paused, looking up at Isak. ''Does he make you happy?''

''Really.'' 

''Go back to him,'' Philip nodded at the closed door. ''Wouldn't want him to wake up alone and think you left him. We can talk tomorrow.'' 

Isak nodded and went. 

He came back to his room and lay next to Even. He was still sleeping. The blanket had slipped from his back from turning side to side in his sleep so Isak pulled it up a little, arranging it so his back was entirely covered again. 

It was though to see Even like this. Isak is used to a happy and energetic Even, not sad sand depressed Even. Until tonight, he never met this one but he'll be happy to get to know him. He wants to know what depressed Even needs, think and wants from him. Does he want Isak to let him sleep all day? Does he want to cuddle and watch movies? Does he wants Isak to leave him alone? Does he-

Just as Isak could feel himself drift, the front door opened, making a loud creaking noise. He made a whining sound and cuddled closed to his boyfriend. He could hear Philip talk to Helen but they were being quiet so Isak couldn't hear what they were saying but figured Philip was explaining what happened with Even. 

Even stirred beside Isak, turning on his back as he opened his eyes. Isak nuzzled closer to him before rubbing his eyes and looking up at Even who immediately looked away. _Ouch_. 

''Hey,'' Isak said softly.

''Hey...'' He looked around, trying to find a clock but there wasn't any in the boys's room. Why bother with a clock when everyone has phones, right? ''What time is it?''

Isak's phone was still at Jonas's house, in the backpack he packed to go camping. Most teenagers can't live without their phones but Isak was happy to not have his. This way, he wouldn't be tempted to read trough he and Even's old conversations and hurting himself emotionally. 

''Around two o'clock, I guess. Helen just got back.'' 

Even blinked. ''I should go.'' 

''Don't.'' Isak slipped his hand under the blanked and grabbed Even's hand, lacing their fingers together. ''Stay with me. Please.'' 

Who is Even to say no to Isak's plea? He bite his lip, looking at the beautiful boy beside him. ''I can't. I'll just hurt you.'' 

With his other hand, Isak carded trough Even's blonde hair. ''I'm not made of china, Even. I can handle a few breakages.''  

''Why? I-I don't understand...'' Even paused, trying to find the energy to speak. ''How can you still want me after...everything? I should've told you I was bipolar. You could've left before things got crazy.''

''I want the whole package, Even. I don't just want the good side of you.''

A frown creased Even's forehead before looking down. ''You don't want that...'' He shook his head as if it was the most absurd thing he ever heard. ''Why would you want that?'' 

''Because _I love you_. I fucking love you.'' 

It's out. He said it. He told Even he loves him. Oh shit. 

Isak waited anxiously for a reaction from the older boy but nothing came. Even was emotionless, a blank canevas. 

Did he scare him?

Even's grip on Isak's hand tightened and Isak sighed in relief. He brought their intertwined hands to his heart as if to say 'I love you too'.

''Love makes you do crazy things.'' Even flinched at the word 'crazy' and Isak felt like an idiot for wording it like that. He fucked up. ''Not crazy, I mean...Love makes you do things you never thought you were possible of doing. Things other people wouldn't be able to do if they weren't in love with the person. I don't feel obligated to be with you and take care of you, Even. I do it becuase I want to. Because I love you.''

''I'm sorry I tried to kill myself.'' 

''Don't apologize.''

''I'm so stupid-''

''Don't say that. You're not stupid, Even.''

_Yes, I am. I'm so fucking stupid. One of the reason I wanted to end my life was because I thought I had lost you forever. I thought you would never love me. That you didn't want me. That no one wanted me. That no one...loved me._

''But I tried to-''

Isak cupped Even's cheek, forcing him to look at him in the eyes. ''What matters is that you _didn't_ jump. You went back on your decision and-'' 

Even tore his eyes away from Isak's. Unable to look at him as he said the following words. ''I still want to kill myself, Isak.'' 

Isak had to swallow his tears.  _Fuck_ , Even. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts on Even almost committing suicide? Philip saving him? Isak being a good boyfriend taking care of Even? Even saying he still wants to die? What is going to happen next? Don't forget to leave kudos and comments, xx
> 
> p.s. Might come back and re-work on certain parts tomorrow/add the gifs I couldn't find.


	29. Chapter twenty-eight: Though love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the massive delay, I was so invested in my new story that I forgot to write the other half of this chapter... 
> 
> I was wondering if you guys would like it if I made a tumblr so we could talk and stuff? I want to get to know you all and I feel like tumblr is the best platform for that. Let me know what you think, okay?

  Taking care of Even wasn't easy. Isak knew it wouldn't be easy. He's not an idiot. Just, he didn't think it would we this difficult, that it would take so much of his energy. 

Saturday was tough. Even stayed in bed all day and refused to eat despite Isak's many tries. He even refused cheese toasties. Isak was scared for Even's health - who knows when was the last time he ate? - but, what else could he do? He can't force food down his throat. 

Isak ran his fingers trough Even's hair, rubbed his back and held him tight. He made him feel loved and important. Every touch meant a silent statement, a silent promise. 

 _You're not alone_. 

 _You are important to me_. 

 _We're gonna get trough this, together_.  

 _I can't really understand what you are feeling but I'll try my best to help you_. 

 _I'll listen if you want to talk_. 

 _I love you_. 

 _I'm not going to leave you or abandon you_.

Some earned a reaction from the older boy. His grip tightening on Isak's hand or simply scooting closer to him under the covers. 

Gabe knocked on his door while Even was asleep. His eyes searched for Isak trough the darkness and moved his head to say 'follow me'. 

With a small sigh, Isak reluctantly left his bed, caressing Even's cheek with his thumb as a silent promise to come back. He hasn't left Even's side a lot since Philip brought him here other than for quick bathroom trips and to get food from the kitchen. He hasn't showered last night and probably stinks but, whatever. He can shower later. 

As he made his way to the kitchen, Isak noticed Helen's jeep wasn't in the driveway and Philip's shoes were missing. Where did they go? 

''Sit.'' 

His head turned at the sound of Gabe's voice. He was sitting at the kitchen table, his laptop in front of him. Isak still doesn't understand why Gabe always works in the kitchen when he has an office in the back of the house. 

Isak sat down in front of his foster dad. ''What is it?'' he asked, wondering why Gabe wanted to talk to him. 

''Helen left with Philip to see Even's parents to talk about last night. Did you know they called the police last night saying their eighteen years old son was missing and could be in danger. That his _life_ could be in danger.''

_Don't you have to wait forty-height hours to signal a missing person?_

''When Helen came home, Philip told her what happened and she called Even's parents to reassure them that their son was fine and sleeping in your bed. They gave him permission to stay the night but, he needs to go back home.''

''I can take care of him.'' 

Gabe shook his head, feeling bad for crushing Isak's hopes. ''I don't think so. This is a big responsibility, I don't think you're ready for that. He tried to commit _suicide_.'' 

Isak held his breath at the word suicide. He doesn't want to think about it again, ever. He never wants to re-live last night but after Even's pillow talk confession, he's afraid he'll try again. 

''Even's okay now.'' 

''He's _not_ , Isak. Even needs to be on suicide watch and see his therapist. He needs to take his medications or he'll go off the rails again. This is a serious illness.'' 

He knows that. He knows but, he can't just tell Even to leave. Isak told him countless time that he wasn't going to leave him. Asking him to go home will contradict his promises and it'll crush him. 

Gabe noticed the conflicted look on Isak's face. ''You don't have to help him, Isak. If it's too much for you, you have the right to step out of his life. No one will hate you if you break up with him.''

Isak frowned, giving the man a scandalized look. ''Why would I do that? I _love_ him.'' 

''Love doesn't solve everything, Isak. That's very naive. On the contrary, love can be toxic in certain case. As beautiful as it can be, love can also be ugly. When feelings are too strong, they can push you to do impulsive things like-''

''Like suicide?'' Isak interrupted. He laughed humorlessly. ''You're crazy.''

Gabe sighed sadly. ''Isak... Your love for each other drove Even to wanting to commit suicide.''

The words hit him like a train rolling full speed on the rails. The teenager shook his head frantically, refusing to believe what Gabe was saying. _No. It's can't be true._ ''That's not what happened.''

It was a difficult conversation and Gabe was expecting this kind of reaction from Isak.  ''Ask Philip if you don't believe me, he was there.'' 

''No. No, no, no. Just... _no_.'' Isak stood from his chair, backing away from the table. 

''Isak-''Gabe stood, about to go after him but figured he'd only put the young boy against him. He's angry and hurt but he'll come down to his senses and realize Gabe was right. At least, that's what Gabe hopes. 

Isak could feel his throat close up, air struggling to make it to his lungs. His vision was blurry from the tears brimming his eyes. Putting a hand over his chest, Isak tried to regain his breathing using the technique Helen taught him the night Even got lost into the woods. He went to the bathroom to splash water on his face to prevent a panic attack. Sitting on the edge of the bathtub, Isak put his face in his hands. 

_Why did Gabe say that? How dare he blame him for Even's suicide attempt?_

He was an emotional wreck when he made it to his room. He opened the door and saw Even sitting on his bed, fists clutching the duvet tightly as he stared at the empty spot where Isak was laying when he fell asleep. 

The faint creak of the door made the older boy turn his head, just enough to see catch Isak's blonde locks. ''I thought you had left.'' 

In another context Isak would've laughed and said he was being silly but, now today. Isak simply closed the door behind him and joined Even on his bed, sitting right in front of him, making sure to crowd his personal space. ''I'm not going anywhere, baby.'' Isak pressed his forehead against Even's and kissed his boyfriend softly. ''I'm right _here_.'' 

***

  It was past four when Helen parked her jeep in the driveway. She and Philip went grocery shopping after leaving Even's house and brought pizza home for dinner. It's not Philip's favorite but, it's better than Helen's cooking. Pizza won't cause them food poisoning. 

''I don't think Isak can take care of him. He's a child, that's too much responsibilities.''

 _I'm not a fucking child_ , Isak wanted to yell back.  

The walls are thin in this old house, Isak can hear the adults's conversation in the kitchen. It hurts to hear them talking about he and Even's relationship like that. Like they had no faith in them. 

Funny thing is, their teenage relationship is stronger than Helen and Gabe's wedding bound. Unlike Helen and Gabe, they don't fight all the time or avoid each other instead of solving their problems. They talk and are honest with each other - honesty isn't Helen and Gabe's forth...  Most of the time, the two adults sleeps in separate rooms. If that's not a sign of a relationship failing apart, what is it? Isak won't deny that Helen and Gabe love each other but, they could use a little help in the love department. Communication, mostly. Definitely communication!

The door opened and Philip walked in. Isak didn't lose time and asked straight away.   

''Why did you tell Gabe I was the reason Even tried to...kill himself?'' He wanted to scream at his brother but Even was sleeping next to him and he didn't want to wake him up or witness this fight. It would only make him sadder. 

Philip sighed and looked at his best friend's sleeping figure under the stripped blanket. He looks so bad. He looks tired and sad and...not well. ''I heard him say your name before letting go of the railing,'' the brunette explained.

Isak gulped. _What?_ He felt tears well up in his eyes. ''So, this is all my fault?''

Philip's face froze when he realized he messed up. _Fuck_ , why did he say that? Isak wasn't ready to hear that; he didn't need to hear that. ''Isak-''

''Shut up.'' Isak buried his face in his hands. Fuck, fuck, _fuck_. 

''I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that...'' Philip apologized, feeling guilty. He regret what he said but at the same time, he doesn't. Isak deserves to know the truth, right? even _did_ say his name before letting go of the railing, before...jumping. It wouldn't be fair to keep thing like that from him. 

Isak doesn't know what hurts the most. Knowing that Even tried to kill himself or that he said his fucking name right before 'jumping'? What did he say exactly? Philip said he heard his name, he didn't say what Even said. He could always ask Even but...is it a good idea right now? 

Getting the message that this conversation was over, Philip sighed and decided to leave. Isak is upset, it's better to leave him alone. ''Even's mom wants him to come back after dinner. She said he needs to come home.'' 

Philip had just left that Helen stood in the doorway, asking Isak if he wanted pizza. He nodded and got up to grab a slice. Gabe and Philip stared at him as he moved in the kitchen, returning to his room to eat after he had everything he needed. Helen opened her mouth to speak but said nothing. It's not what she meant when she asked Isak if he wanted pizza. She wanted him to eat _with_ them, not go back to his bedroom. 

She didn't have the heart to tell him.

After he was done eating, Isak lay down and cuddled against his still sleeping boyfriend. Even must've felt the younger boy's presence because his eyes flutter open and then, he was awake. ''Holla,'' Isak whispered. Even usually smiles and say it back but not this time. Isak figured he didn't have a peaceful sleep. _Does he have nightmares?_ Isak wondered.

Isak pressed their forehead together while laying down, nuzzling his nose against Even's while cupping his cheek with his left hand. His hand brushed against Even's and the older boy closed his eyes, feeling like a huge weight is being taken off his shoulder whenever Isak touches him. It feels _good_. He feels...safe.

''You hungry?'' 

''No.''

Isak pulled back a little so he could stare into Even's eyes but not too much they couldn't touch. Just a few inches. ''I'm worried, Even. You can't _not_ eat. I know you don't feel like doing anyhting right now and eating is probably taking a lot of energy from you but, if you keep going like this, your body will get weak and...it's not good.'' ''I know what it's like to faint because you haven't eaten for days and it's not fun. It's dangerous. You can... _die_.'' _Death? What the fuck, Isak?_ ''Shit, I shouldn't have said that-'' Isak sighed, feeling stupid for talking about dying when his boyfriend is suicidal. ''Just, eat something, _please_.''

Maybe Even was silent but his mind was racing. Always. Right now, he felt bad for making Isak worry about him. He also felt bad for making Isak feel bad. He doesn't want Isak to feel like he has to be careful around him, with his words or gestures. Yes, he's suicidal but talking about death isn't gonna make him want to off himself more. 

Even looked at him with wide, empty blue eyes. ''Okay. I'll eat.'' 

***

  After dinner, Helen drove Even home. Isak sat with him in the back this time and held his hand tightly in his. Even was wearing one of Isak's hoodie and his own joggers, now washed and dried. 

Helen stop her jeep in front of Even's house. Even slowly unbuckled his seat-belt and Isak followed. He caught Helen raising an eyebrow at him in the rear-view. ''I'll go with him. I just want to make sure he'd okay,'' he said. 

She nodded and the boys got out of the car. Isak took Even's hand in his as they walked up to the front door. He was scared to come home. He knew he'd have to face his parents and assume the consequences of his acts. Going home also means taking his medications and that fucking sucks. He hates taking his treatment. It makes him feel even more shitty that he already is. How are these supposed to help him? Even doesn't understand.

The second Even opened the door, his mother threw her arms around him. ''Even! Oh my god, my baby.'' Her voice was a little teary and Even felt bad for making her sad. ''Your dad and I were so worried about you.''  And worrying her too.

''Sorry.'' Even held his mother back, his hand still intertwined with Isak's. 

''We'll talk later. All that matters right now is that you're home and... _safe_.'' She let go of him and turned to Isak who stood awkwardly in the doorway. ''Thank you,'' she whispered, hugging Isak. He was shocked at the sudden gesture.  _Why is Even's mom hugging me? This is weird..._ ''Thank you,'' she repeated, releasing him.

Isak nodded at her and turned to Even who was standing ''I'll see you tomorrow, okay? I love you. Don't forget that.'' Isak kissed his cheek and felt Even tense a little, a shaky breath leaving his plump yet chapped lips. Isak let go of Even's hand and waved at Even's mom. 

''See you tomorrow, Isak,'' she said and Isak smiled. 

He'll definitely come back tomorrow. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was Evak centered - again - but you'll see Philkas in the next one, I promise! Not much chapters left now. Only two! Don,t forget to leave kudos and comments, I love reading you all when I wake up, xx
> 
> Thoughts on Gabe saying Isak can't take care of Even? Isak being rebellious and staying with Even despite Gabe's disapproval? Even eating for Isak? Even going home?


	30. Chapter twenty-nine: It's too late to apologize

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back!! Sorry for the long wait, I've been busy with life and accidentally post-poning (is that the word?) this story again and again. I decided to extend this story to 35 chapters instead of 30 since there's a lot to say/happen before this story is over and write 10000 words chapters isn't really my thing.

[To: Lukas]

_I'm still grounded. Can't come ._

[From: Lukas] 

_You sneak out all the time, come on. My dad's not home._

[From: Lukas]

_And I'm feeling much better today...much much better._

[To: Lukas]

_You'll feel much better tomorrow too. I can come during lunch._

[From: Lukas]

_I'm going back to school tomorrow..._

[To: Lukas]

_Then we'll see each other at school. We can skip lunch and...make out._

[From: Lukas]

_No. Wanna see you now._

This time, Lukas had attached a picture with his text and Philip almost choke on his saliva. Who sends dirty pics without warning? What the hell Lukas?! He swallowed thickly and typed a quick reply. 

[To: Lukas]

_Be there in twenty!_

That's all it took for Philip to slip on his shoes and sneak out. Well, 'sneak out'. No one was home; Isak was at Even's, Helen at work and Gabe was working on his boat outside. It's not like anyone would see him leave the house. 

It was windy outside and chilly but, the sun was out compared to the past two days. The walk to Lukas's was long, wind blew in his face as he passed by the shortcut Lukas showed him and the brunette grimaced at the feeling of cold air on his face. Philip knew he should've taken his bike but, it was in the back of the house and Gabe was there, he didn't want to risk getting caught. 

When Philip arrived at Lukas's house, no one answered the door. He pressed the doorbell once, twice and a third time and he was about to turn around and go home when his phone vibrated in his pocket. 

[From: Lukas]

_Come to the track._

The track? Philip was confused but he still went. Why was Lukas asking him to come to the track behind his house? Didn't he say he wasn't allowed to ride again until a month or something? 

Philip went down Lukas's porch and walked to the back of his house, following the path of dirt to the motocross training track. 

''Lukas?'' Philip called when, not seeing him on the field. _He said to meet him there but...where is he?_ He opened his mouth to call for the blonde again but someone grabbed him from behind and the familiar scent betrayed his identity. 

Turning around, Philip saw Lukas grin at him. It was weird to see Lukas without his training gear on the track, they never comes here unless Lukas wants to show Philip some tricks or to film. ''What took you so long? I've been waiting here for an hour almost.'' 

''I _walked_ here, sorry my legs can't move faster,'' Philip said with sarcasm. ''What are we doing here?'' the brunette asked, crossing his arms, waiting. 

''I'm not allowed on my bike until a few weeks, so...we better find another use for my training track,'' said Lukas suggestively.

Philip rolled his eyes and closed the space between them and locked their lips together. ''That's lame. You could've just said you wanted to make out, you know.''  

Lukas opened his mouth to say he did say he wanted to make out in his texts but, Philip was pulling him by the hem of his tee shirt until their chest touched and kissed Lukas again and everything else was forgotten. The things this boy does to him...

They sat down on the ground, watching the birds in the sky and listening to the peaceful nature. Silence is weird for Philip, he's so used to the constant noise from the city. ''I don,t know if it's your concussion or just your forgetful self but...you said we'd be making out, not watching the sky,'' reminded Philip. ''It's not that I don't like watching the sky but I can do it at Helen's house too.'' 

''Oh, really? I bet you can't do this at Helen's house though,'' Lukas asked.

''Wha-'' 

Before he could finish his sentence, Lukas pushed at Philip's shoulder until he was laying down and hovered over him, brushing their noses together before attaching their lips together. 

After an hour, the two teenagers decided to take things inside, to Lukas's room. Did you know the compacted ground isn't very comfortable for making out? Bo wouldn't be back till late so they didn't have to worry about bumping into him.

''I'm tired. I didn't sleep much last night...and the night before.'' 

''You can sleep here. I don't mind.'' 

Philip raised an eyebrow at Lukas. ''You sure? I didn't come here to sleep, I-''

Philip gasped as Lukas pulled him by his tee shirt, making him fall on his chest. He laughed and Lukas ran a hand over his cheek. ''Now close your pretty eyes, I'm sick of hearing your voice.''

If anyone other than Lukas said this to him, he would've lunged at their throat but, he knew Lukas was just joking. The amused smirk on his face gave his cover away. Rolling his eyes, Philip put his head on the blonde's shoulder and rested a hand on his bare chest. He pressed a kiss to Lukas's shoulder and Lukas smiled, wrapping his right arm over Philip, pulling him closer.

Lukas ran his calloused finders up and down Philip's arm, caressing his soft skin while his blue eyes stared at the brunette's sleeping face. He could see himself falling for Philip but, he's too good for Lukas. He doesn't deserves a boy like Philip. Philip's so caring, understanding, patient...and reckless. 

He didn't want this moment to end. _Ever_. Lukas wished he could stay with Philip, like this, forever but, his dad will come home at some point and he'll have to go back to the real world and face life. 

***

  Today was Lukas's first day back since his accident in Florida and Philip was happy to see him back at school. This means they can make out between classes and during lunch too. They'll be like all these couples who sneak into empty classrooms with their boyfriend/girlfriend to make out. 

Lukas's dad said he's drop him off since he can't use his bike yet so they agreed to meet behind a row of lockers. Checking the time on his phone, Philip smiled. Lukas must be here, he said he's arrive at past ten and it's past fifteen. If Isak didn't made them turn around becuase he forgot his Biology textbook, he would've arrived at the same time as Lukas. 

The smile on Philip's lips didn't stay long. He barely made it inside the school on Monday morning that his smile fell- no, it was stripped from his face. 

''What the fuck is this?!'' 

Lukas's tongue was down Rose's throat and Philip felt betrayed. He promised him it was over between him and Rose. If they're broken up, _why_ is he kissing her? It doesn't makes sense.

With a decided pace, Philip went to the kissing couple and cleared his throat. Lukas opened his moth to tell the person to go away but panicked when he saw Philip and pushed rose away. _Fuck._

''Ugh, you again?'' rose complained, annoyance in her eyes. ''Leave Lukas alone, he doesn't need someone to follow him everywhere like-'' 

''Rose,'' Lukas interrupted, giving her a look. ''Can you go and keep us seats in English? I don't want to sit next to that guy with greasy hair again.'' 

She nodded and pecked Lukas's lips one last time before heading to English. 

Once she was out of sight, Philip grabbed Lukas's arm - the perfectly fine one - and dragged him behind the row of lockers where no one could see them. ''Philip, I can explain-''

''I don't need any explanations, your tongue down Rose's throat was pretty self explanatory. How can you do this to me? I thought we were going in the right direction but, you just proved me wrong. Did the weekend in Florida and the week after mean nothing to you? I thought you liked me-'' 

''Philip...I _can't_ date you,'' Lukas said and you could almost hear Philip's heart shatter. ''We can be friends if you-''

Philip laughed humorlessly. ''Friends? You can shove your friendship up your ass, Waldenbeck.''

***

''So...I talked to Even.'' 

 All eyes were on him now and a part of Isak wished he would've said nothing. They boys can be so invading sometimes... Mostly Magnus. This guy has no filter. _None_.

''What happened? Are you guys back together or something?'' asked Magnus.

A small smile appeared on Isak's lips at the thought of his boyfriend. ''Yeah. We are-'' 

Aloud cheering came from Magnus, earning a glare from Isak and a few students in the halls. ''Sorry...I'm just really happy for you two because you guys are like my _idols_.'' 

Isak gave the blonde a weird look. ''Idols? What the fuck, Mags?''

''You know, relationship goals,'' he added, making Jonas and Mahdi groan. 

''Is Even okay, now?'' Jonas asked, concerned about the older boy. 

 _Is Even okay?_ Isak hasn't stopped asking himself this question since Friday. He's so, _so_ worried about him. He wishes he didn't have to go to school so he could stay with Even. Isak doesn't care if all Even wants to do is sleep, he just want to be with him and know he's...safe. 

Before he left yesterday, Isak exchanged numbers with Even's mom so she could keep him updated on Even or in case something happen and they need her. She didn't like not being informed of her son's suicide attempt on Friday but, didn't blame Isak. At the moment, what mattered was Even's safety so Isak concentrated on that and made sure the boy was safe and felt loved and important. He gave him warm and dry clothes and rubbed his back while he slept. He did nothing bad. 

For a moment, Isak debated whether telling the boys about Even trying to take away his life but decided not to. It's not his story to tell and if Even wants to share it with the boys - which Isak doubt he'll want to -, he'll do it himself. 

''He's at home. Probably sleeping.'' 

''So, he's depressed?'' guessed Jonas.

Isak nodded. ''This episode was hard on him. He said he feels emotionally drained and has no energy. Just getting him to eat is difficult,'' he explained. ''His mom and I tried to take him outside or at least leave his room yesterday but he didn't want to. We gave up.''

''You look tired,'' commented Jonas, noticing Isak's dark circles and oversized hoodie - probably Even's. 

Jonas's comment made Isak realize how tired he is. He barely got any sleep since Friday and all Isak wants to do is go home and sleep with his boyfriend in his arms. He stayed up late last night and the night before too, staring at his phone screen in case Even texted him or called him. 

Pressing his back against a row of locker, Isak sighed. ''This is hard on me too. Seeing him so sad and...depressed makes me sad too. Not on the same level of sad but- I wish he would just get better and be his old self but, it doesn't work like that. He needs to go at his own pace.'' 

The boys gave him a sympathetic smile, not knowing what to say. They aren't familiar with depression or bipolar disorder - except Magnus - but not all depressions are the same. 

Sensing hos sad and down his friend was, Jonas pulled Isak into a half hug, clapping his shoulder. ''It'll be okay, Isak. You'll get trough this, you're strong. Both of you,'' he promised and Isak couldn't ask for a better friend. How does Jonas always knows what to say?

The bell rang and Isak smiled at Jonas, grateful to have someone like him in his group of friend. Magnus and Mahdi are great friends too but, no one beats Jonas. He's so open minded and smart, he's the man of every situations. ''I'm going to see Even at lunch, I'll keep you guys updated.'' 

''Aw, you're such a good boyfriend,'' cooed Magnus and Isak flipped him off. 

***

  It was almost ten o'clock when the fight exploded. Isak and Philip were sitting on their respective beds. Philip was reading a book while Isak was working on his Math homework, wishing Even was there to help him because he doesn't understand shit. Fucking Maths! 

Dropping his pencil on his textbook, Isak looked up in his brother's direction. ''Erm, Philip. Can I ask you something?'' 

Philip wasn't feeling like talking. He was still upset about Lukas and wished his brother would leave him alone but he remember when he promised Isak to help him with school if he ever needed help. And right now, Isak needs help. 

With a sigh, Philip paused his reading. ''What do you need help with? I'm not the best at Maths but-''

''Why did Helen and Gabe change their mind about Even and I? Why do they hate him so much? Even's so caring and selfless and giving, I don't understand. What made them change their mind? It's not like Even's _ten_ years older than me, and they've met him, they loved him. Why are you allowed to be his friend but I'm not allowed to date him? And don't say it's because he's bipolar, it can't be the only reason. There _has_ to be something else.''

Isak's question was _not_ about Maths... 

Going to his brother for personal things isn't in Isak's habits but he's desperate. He's been thinking about this since Saturday and it hasn't left his mind. He wants to know _why_ they disproved his relationship with Even. _Why_ they can't be together anymore. _Why_  their opinion of Even changed so suddenly. 

The older boy was taken aback by Isak's question. He didn't expect this. He was expecting something about Maths, something about geometry or algebra, not...this. 

Philip tried to be nonchalant and act like he knew nothing about it when, in reality, he's the center of it. He's the reason why their foster parents changed their mind. ''I don't know, Isak. Ask them.'' 

Frustrated with his brother's answer, Isak groaned in annoyance. ''I tried! I asked and asked but they keep coming up with stupid excuses and I'm sick of it. I want the _truth_.'' ''Even asked if he could come here today when I visited him. He said he felt safer in my bed and I had to make up a stupid lie because I didn't want to hurt him by saying my foster parents forbid our relationship. He's feeling low about himself enough already, I didn't want to tell him someone _hated_ him.'' Isak paused, a flashback of Even's sad pout and frown when Isak said Gabe was re-painting the whole house and no one was allowed in. He hates lying to Even just as much as he hates seeing him so sad. ''I want to know why they don't want me and Even to be together.'' 

''It's Even and I, Isak,'' corrected Philip, trying to change subject, and Isak rolled his eyes. 

''Philip! Stop being an idiot and please, tell me if you know something. Maybe you've heard them talking or, I don't know. If you know anythi-'' 

At first, it sounded like a good idea. But now, it's just hurting everyone and Philip feels guilty. He didn't think there would be so many collateral damages from doing what he did. He thought he'd be happier but, in the end, it all went down the drain and everyone is suffering for nothing. Making his little brother suffer is shitty and, as much as he's hurting right now, it doesn't mean Isak has to suffer too. Isak deserves happiness. Isak deserves love. Isak deserves the truth. 

''You remember when I told Gabe and Helen you were the reason Even tried to kill himself?'' Isak nodded slowly, gulping at the fresh and still painful memories. ''Even did say your name but not in the way I told them he did.''

Isak frowned. _What?_ He was so confused. ''What do you-''

''Even- He said he _loved_ you. I heard him and when I heard him say he loved you, I didn't like it. I-I'm seeing someone at the moment, a guy, and he's in the closet and refuses to come out. He's scared and paranoid and- I wish he would come out of his damn closet or at least accept himself but he won't. He keeps sending me mixed signals and false hopes only to crush them days later. Your love life is so perfect while mine is just...frustrating. I did this to hurt you. To break you guys up. I decided that if I wasn't allowed to be happy, you weren't too. So...I told Gabe and Helen that the suicide was your fault and that Even-''

''What the fuck?!'' Isak was fuming. How could Philip do this? That's so fucked up.

Philip tried to not flinch at his brother's tone and continued talking. Isak is one of the nicest person he knows but, as they says, you don't want to make a nice person angry because you risk of not recognizing them when they're angry. ''I know this is shitty but I'm sick of seeing you two together, all happy and everything and rubbing your love all over us when all I have is a closeted non-established boyfriend.''  

Well, _ex_ -boyfriend.

Isak blinked, feeling the anger boil inside him. ''You're jealous of Even and I? That's why you told all this bullshit to Helen and Gabe?''

''You make it sound more bad than it actually is...''

''This _is_ bad, Philip! This is selfish, so fucking selfish. You only care about yourself. Your happiness, your love live. You couldn't stand that I was happy and you weren't so you decided to fuck things up between my boyfriend and I so we would both be miserable. What you did is fucked up, how could you-''

''I wish I had someone like Even. Someone who doesn't care what other thinks of him and-'' 

''Now you're telling me you want to steal _my_ boyfriend?'' Isak accused. ''Even is your best friend, how could you do this to him? Because, breaking news, by doing this, you hurt him too. As is he's not hurting enough already... You disgust me, Philip Shea! I can't fucking believe you...'' Shaking his head, Isak jumped down his bed and grabbed his bag, shoving clothes in it. _Lots_ of clothes. 

It didn't take a long time for Philip to understand what Isak was doing. He was packing his bags. He was...leaving. ''What are you doing? Why are you packing your bag? Are you going at Even's'' 

The younger boy ignored him and packed faster and once his bag was stuffed enough, he stood and ran out the door without glancing back at Philip. He couldn't stay here anymore. he couldn't be in the same room as Philip. It hurt too much.   

''Isak? Isa-'' 

Philip was cut off as the door was slammed, separating them. He wanted to go after Isak but the boy must've been running becuase the sound of the front door closing was heard a few seconds after he left their bedroom. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm gonna go back on the Philkas parts tomorrow and maybe add something to the end (not sure though) becuase my laptop keep lagging tonight and I've started this chapter over at least three time and ugh- I can't anymore. I hope you liked this chapter and it was worth the wait, don't forget to leave kudos and comments, xx
> 
> Thoughts on Philkas being over? Do you think they'll be endgame? Lukas kissing Rose? The boy squad asking about Even? Isak worrying over his boyfriend and taking care of him? Philip trying to break Evak? Isak leaving? Where did he go?


	31. Warning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry in advance but, I had to get this out of my chest.

Writing is a hobbies for me and I want you to know that I do it in my free time. I don't HAVE to write, no one is forcing me...but I do it. I write because I like writing. I like creating stories but lately, I've been getting a lot of hate on this book particularly and people coming at me saying I'm racist or asking if I'm in primary school because of the way I write. Sorry English isn't my first language, I learned everything by myself and if you're not happy with my writing, just go and read someone else's story. I'm not gonna pay someone to edit/proof check my stories just because some people can't stand my spelling/grammar mistakes. And secondly, saying I'm racist just because I said I liked Chris P. and wished he was the main for season 4 is ridiculous. I never said I hated Sana or that I'm against her being the main this season because she is Muslim, where does this comes from? Also, I'm allowed to not be attracted to Yousef, don't come at me for that. Not everyone is attracted to the same people and it's OKAY. We all have our opinions. I'm sick of deleting comments of people accusing me of things and assuming things about me.

p.s. If these accusations don't stop, I'll just delete this book and you'll never get to read the end.  


	32. Teaser | Chapter thirty: Choices and regrets

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you forget about me? I'm working on the next chapter and it should be up before Friday if I'm not too busy house painting.

''I wanted to talk. About us.''

 _Us_. 

If it weren't from the recent death of his mother, Philip would've laughed. 

''There's nothing to talk about, Lukas. There's no 'us'. You can go, I'll let you find the door yourself.'' 

''I haven't seen you at school today. I...I was worried about you.'' 

Philip snorted. ''You worry about me now? That's new.''

Looking up, Lukas tried to meet Philip's eyes but the latter was purposely avoiding his. ''I always worry about yo-''

''Bullshit. All you worry about it  _yourself_. You just care about _you_. What _you_  feel.  _Your_  reputation.  _Your_  career. Have you ever thought about what  _I_ felt when I saw you with Rose at school the other day? What _I_  felt when you decided you 'couldn't be gay anymore' and broke things off without warning? I know your father is homophobic and I get that you're scared of his reaction but, he's not the only one you're afraid off. You're afraid of _everyone_ 's opinion because you don't want to get hate from anyone but, breaking news, Lukas, not everyone is going to love you. You better grow thick skin because people are gonna hate you and talkshit in your back all the time and that's never going to change.''


	33. Chapter thirty: Choices and regrets

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Re-reading the story, I realized I messed up some parts... There's so many scenes I would've written differently and so many scenes I shouldn't have deleted. Some scenes seemed hurried too. This was my first story with two main ships and I should have planned it better before starting to post. It was also my first time writing Philkas and Evak but, I'll tell you now, it won't be the last! I'll try to do better next time, xx

  The death of Anne Shea took everyone by surprise. No one were expecting the call from the New York hospital on Thursday afternoon saying Anne Shea had been administered and they needed to speak to family members. 

 _''A stroke,''_ they had said, sharing knowing looks with Helen and Gabe. 

Both boys knew it was bullshit. She didn't have a stroke but an  _overdose_. Fucking hypocrites. As if they can't handle the truth. It's no secret that their mom is a drug addict; they've lived with her for seventeen years - fifteen for Isak.

When they showed up at the New York hospital, Philip and Isak were taken to Anne's room where she lied in a bed, wires and machines keeping her alive. Her forehead had a bruise on the side, probably from when she fell. Some man found her in a alleyway by her appartement.

They were expecting Philip to put a fight at the hospital but, it was  _Isak_  who was reluctant to let go of his mother. He didn't want to take her off life support. 

''Mom is strong, she'll get trough this. She always does,'' said Isak, trying to convince himself that his mom was going to recover. ''She'll wake up soon. S-she'll wake up, right, Helen?'' Isak had turned to Helen who was standing across the hospital bed.

It was heartbreaking to see. Seeing the fear and sadness in Isak's green eyes, Helen had a strong urge to pull him in a hug despite not being great at comforting people. 

The doctor came to Helen's rescue, sensing she didn't want to be the one to explain to Isak that his mom was already dead. ''I'm afraid Mrs Shea has been gone for a moment. The only thing that keeps her alive is those machines,'' explained the doctor, crushing Isak's hopes. ''She was unconscious when the ambulance arrived. We were able to bring her back but, I don't think she'll get better than this.''

Philip gulped, feeling a lump form in his throat. ''So, you're saying there's nothing left to do?'' 

''I'm afraid so.'' 

''No!'' They all turned at Isak's unexpected scream. ''No, no, _no_. There must be something else you can do. Mom isn't dead, she's breathing. She'll wake up soon and she'll get to go home and-'' He stopped himself, flinching when he felt a hand on his shoulder.

'' _Isak_.'' It was Gabe. He moved until he was facing the blonde boy, Helen by his side. ''Your mother isn't going to wake up. Ever. A  _stroke_  is hard on the body...on the mind. Even if she'd wake up, I don't think she'd be the same. Recovery would be though and, let's not forget about the high risks of side effects like paralysis, cognitive problems, aphasia or dysarthria. Do you think your mom would want to live a life like that?''

Physic and mental restrictions like that would make her life more miserable that it already is. At least, with the drugs, she was free to move and be on her own. A paralysis might put her in a wheelchair. She might never be able to hold her cigarette or remember the name of her sons or worst, never recognize them. 

Biting down his bottom lip, Isak felt his eyes water at the idea of his mom not remembering him. He never had a good relationship with her but she's his  _mom_. He loves her despite all the shitty things she did. 

On the drive back to Tivoli, Gabe and Helen had to stop to a gas station to fill the car tank and much needed coffees, leaving the two brothers alone in the car. They had been quiet in the car, looking out the window as Gabe drove them home.  _Home_. That's what it was now; it won't be Helen and Gabe's house, it will be...home. 

''This is all your fault.''

Isak turned his head. ''What?'' 

''I said: this is all your fault,'' Philip repeated, making sure Isak heard him nice and clear. 

''How can you say this?'' Isak asked, hurt by his brother's strong accusation. ''How is mom's death my fault when you're the one who told the doctor to unplug her? If mom's death has to be blamed on someone, it's on you.''

Give it to them to fight during time like this. They should stick together, not fight. It's sad to see how their relationship as brothers keeps going downhill. Every time they get closer, something comes in the way and they take two steps back. 

Philip knitted his eyebrows, jaw clenching. ''There was  _nothing_  we could've done to save her. She's been dead inside for a long time, thanks to you.''

The lump in Isak's stomach expanded every time Philip blamed him. He felt guilty enough as it is, he didn't need to add another coat.

''I saw the look on her face when the social worker took us from her. When we left, it destroyed her. We were all she had, her only family.She had no one to take care of her anymore. No one to clean the appartement or bring food home,'' Philip explained, looking into his brother's eyes as a tactic to make him feel guilty. And it worked. ''All she had left was her fucking pills and cigarettes. And, we both know her boyfriends didn't give a shit about her.''

Closing his eyes, Isak fought the tears. He could feel his eyes fill with water as he realized how right Philip was. All he said was true. Anne didn't look for a job when her sons left nor signed up to a rehab center, she stayed inside her appartement and moped, her only company being her pills and cigarettes. When they lived with her, she was high most of the time but, at least she had someone who made sure she ate and took care of her without demanding anything in exchange. She had her boys at her sides and that's what kept her going...until they took them away.

''Why do you suddenly care about mom? You've always talked down about her, did you ever even loved her?''

 _Yes_. Of course he loved her. She's his  _mom_. 

Before Isak could reply, Helen opened the passenger door and got in, coffees in hands. She glanced up in the rear view and saw Isak's tearful eyes. She reached behind and put a hand on his knee. ''It's gonna be okay, Isak,'' she said in a reassuring voice. ''I know it's though but, you'll get trough this.'' Helen turned to Philip. ''You too. And, remember, Gabe and I will  _always_  be there for you.'' 

It's rare for Helen to act like a parent figure and ace it. Most of the time, she fails to put in practice what her cassette tapes teaches her. She needs to learn to let go of her cop attitude and act like a parent, not Sheriff Torrance. 

Philip was tempted to be his arrogant self and remind her she will never replace his mom but, for once, he kept his mouth shut, realizing that now that Anne has died, he'll have to get used to Helen and living with the married couple. His tactic of giving them attitude in hope they contact the social worker to send him back to his mom won't work anymore. Gabe was easier to accept as foster father given Philip never really had a father figure at home other than his mom's on and off shitty boyfriends. He was hard with Helen since he moved. He never took her authority seriously, disobeyed her rules, put her in sticky situations with the law and reminded her on every occasions he got that she wasn't and will never be his mother. Thinking back, Helen never tried to replace Anne. Parenting wasn't her forth and you could sense it but, she tried. She made space for them into her house and life and made  lots efforts to be a good foster parent and maybe it's time for Philip to make some efforts too. Maybe...maybe he can start accepting them as foster parents.

-

  Isak asked to be dropped at Even's. He needed comfort and the only person who could give him the comfort her needed right now was his boyfriend. He didn't think this trough though. Even is struggling with depression and he comes here with a sad news... Good job, Isak!

 It was late and Even was wearing pajamas when Isak knocked on the Bech Naesheim's door. Even was still recovering from his low and if it wasn't for Isak's text saying he needed him, he wouldn't have gotten up in the middle of the night to open the door.     

Guilt added to Isak's already there lump: he woke up Even. It took a lot of his energy to get out of bed and Isak feels bad. He should've gone home with everyone and not bothered Even. He's being a baby.  

Not saying anything, Even pulled Isak to his room and closed the door behind them. There was no light in Even's room except for the small night light plugged on the wall by the window sill. 

''Sorry for coming here so late, I...''

Shaking his head, the older boy shushed him. Even raised his hand, grabbing Isak's jaw and caressed his cheek with his thumb. Isak closed his eyes at the touch.

''How is your mom,'' Even asked, not knowing what happened at the hospital. Isak didn't know how to tell him over text that his mom was dead so he had said nothing. Now that he's standing in front of Even, he wished he had told him over text because once the words will leave his lips, it's gonna confirm that he wasn't having a bad nightmare and that his mom was really gone.

Isak opened his mouth, gathering the little bit of courage he had left to speak. ''She-'' His voice cracked and he couldn't continue. He was on the edge of breaking. His eyes were burning with unshed tears, lips quivering. ''I  _can't_.''  

Sensing the tears in his boyfriend's voice, Even pulled him in and wrapped his arms around Isak. 

''I wasn't nice to her last time I saw her. I told her she made my life a living hell, I-'' 

And the tears flowed.

Even tightened his hold just like Isak had done not too long ago for him. The situation wasn't the same - it was very different - but, just like Isak had done for him, he tried to think of the best thing to say. ''She loved you. I'm sure she forgave you,'' Even said, his voice soft and calming. 

They stood there for a moment, Isak crying in Even's arms, soaking his thin tee shirt with salty tears. Isak had been holding his tears since they left the hospital and it felt so good to let it out. He didn't want to look like a baby at the hospital and knew Philip would make some remarks if he cried in the car. 

So he waited. He waited until he was in the arms of his lover.

-

  Back in their shared room, Philip was laying in his bed, his picture frame of his mother and himself pressed against his chest as he cried silently. 

_Why her? Why now? What am I going to do without you? We will never go home. You're never going to see me graduate. Nor...attend my wedding or meet my kids._

Philip has felt pain in his life. He knows what hurting feels like but, he never felt it like this. Not this kind of pain. This pain was incessant. It was a constant ache in his chest. Like something was ripped out of his chest. Like a part of him was gone.   

The day following Anne's death, Philip stayed in bed. He didn't join his foster parents for dinner nor pick up his phone to check his texts and whatnot. He didn't go to school or bother putting on proper clothes. The only times he got up was to use the bathroom. 

He couldn't mope like that forever though. The hospital had called during the afternoon and asked is someone was going to pick up the body. A body. That's what she is now. fourteen hours ago she was Anne Shea, a loving mother and now, she's just a body. Bile rose to Philip's throat. It makes him sick to think about how they downgrade you when you die. Being lifeless doesn't make you an object. You're still a person...just, dead.

On Monday morning, Gabe stood in Philip's doorway and saw him getting ready for the day. He didn't think he'd see him get out of be so soon but, seeing he was the only family member left beside Isak, he had to be the one to take care of her funeral arrangements. ''I can accompany your to the crematorium if you'd like.'' 

Lifting his head, the boy turned to face Gabe. ''I can take the bus.'' Philip paused, putting on his jacket, almost ready to leave. ''I know my way around the city better than you,'' he added teasingly, knowing Helen was the city native, not Gabe. 

Gabe smiled faintly. ''Okay. Call me if you need anything.'' 

With a small nod, the teenager grabbed his backpack and headed out. If he takes the first bus, he'll have enough time to his mom's appartement and search for her will or some papers that will guide him trough this.

-

  To say Philip was surprised when he saw a tall blonde sitting on his bed when he came home was an understatement. He hasn't seen or talked to Lukas since he was put into friendzone the hard way and, in all honesty, he had no desire to keep contact with him. He's done with Lukas Waldenbeck and his bullshit.  _Done_. 

''What are you doing here?'' Philip asked, his tone not very welcoming.

Monday had been a long day and he didn't feel like dealing with Lukas's bullshit right now. He had spent the day making difficult decisions and it was hard on him. What seventeen years old boy has to decide whether to opt for a cremation or natural burial? He should be choosing which college he wants to apply to, not planning his mother's funeral. 

Not to mention that Isak is being no help. They haven't seen the tip of his nose since they parted ways after they dropped him at Even's on Thursday - well, Friday. Philip tried to call him to help choosing things for the ceremony and he never picked up.

So, once again, the whole thing was on Philip.

At the sound of his voice, Lukas's head snapped up. ''I wanted to talk. About us.''

 _Us_. 

If it weren't from the recent death of his mother, Philip would've laughed. 

''There's nothing to talk about, Lukas. There's no 'us'. You can go, I'll let you find the door yourself.'' 

''I haven't seen you at school today. I...I was worried about you.'' 

''You worry about me now? That's new.''

''I always worry about yo-''

''Bullshit. All you worry about it  _yourself_. You just care about _you_. What _you_  feel.  _Your_  reputation.  _Your_  career. Have you ever thought about what  _I_ felt when I saw you with Rose at school the other day? What _I_  felt when you decided you 'couldn't be gay anymore' and broke things off without warning? I know your father is homophobic and I get that you're scared of his reaction but, he's not the only one you're afraid off. You're afraid of _everyone_ 's opinion because you don't want to get hate from anyone but, breaking news, Lukas, not everyone is going to love you. You better grow thick skin because people are gonna hate you and talkshit in your back all the time and that's never going to change.''

Although Philip voiced the same issue over and over during the past weeks, Lukas was shocked by his outburst. Does he ever listen to what Philip says? 

''I..I'm sorry I made you feel that way-''

The brunette shook his head. ''I'm tired of hurting and waiting and hurting some more so I'm making the choice for you. Now, go find Rose or whoever you feel like having in your bed today.''

Wow. This was brutal. 

Lukas stood from the bed. It can't end like this. He won't let it happen. ''Please, Philip. I'm really sorry. I won't hurt you anymore. I  _love_  you. Give me another chance. One last chance. I'll make efforts, we can make this work. Just...can you at least think about it? Please.'' 

Lukas was begging now. He didn't want to admit it but, he felt very lonely without Philip. The brunette is the only person who knows the real Lukas. The one who's hidden behind his jock attitude and thick carapace. Beside him, no one knows about his mixed feelings regarding his sexuality, his relationship with his father or even his mom's death. 

''My mom just died, don't you think I have other things to think about?''  

Lukas was shocked at the sudden confession. A part of him wanted to believe Philip was joking but, Lukas knows how much Anne matters to him. And, Philip knows about Lukas's mom. He would never joke about something like that. Makes sense too. Why he wasn't at school on today and on Friday. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't forget to leave kudos and comments!!
> 
> Thoughts on Anne's death? Did you see it coming? Helen getting better at parenting? Isak going to Even's (again) and being each other's rock? Philip taking charge of his mom's funeral? Lukas showing up?


End file.
